To confront parents about my childhood?

[Whipittillitpeaks]

I had a lot of happy moments in my childhood, but also a few experiences that stay with me, that I’m starting to feel angry about, a child shouldn’t have been subjected to them.
It’s been in my mind more since having my own Dd, and looking back I can’t believe some of the things I went through when I was young and innocent and should have been protected.

I remember one incident when we were on a camping holiday when I was around 9 and my dad was drunk and pushed my mum over, he was saying all sorts and I remember feeling so scared and asking if they were getting a divorce and holding my mums hand all night until I went to sleep.

Then at 13, I was woken up by my dad going on and I heard him say he’d ‘Kick the shit out of’ my mum. I was hysterical on the landing upstairs and my mum came to comfort me, my dad was saying to her ‘See what you’ve done now’ he was drunk.
I remember feeling fear when my dad used to get home some Saturdays after going out with my uncle/his friends. He’d be drunk but acting really silly, but I felt the fear, it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, I dreaded him coming home. He usually just fell asleep.

My dad used to sometimes come to me room when I was going to sleep and talk nonsense about he wished he didn’t have to grow up, like Peter Pan. Other times, he’d tell me about other girlfriends he had when young.

Sounds ridiculous, but in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc, but he had moods and days of silence and we walked on eggshells at times.

My mum, I know loves me, but she never showed it. I remember one time coming back from being away for the first time ever with Brownies for a couple of nights. All the other mums ran to their kids and picked them up or hugged them, my mum didn’t hug or kiss me, just got our bags.

Looking back, I realise my upbringing was dysfunctional and I still see it is in many ways, even though my parents are still together and love each other massively.

As a teenager I was a nightmare and never home, I felt more comfortable in friends houses and friends became like family to me.

I never told anyone until I was around 22 and drinking quite heavily. I couldn’t take my drink (much like my father) and got really emotional and let it all out to my now Dh, who was gobsmacked.

These things have never been mentioned, is that weird? Would these moments have affected the person I am?

Now I’m a mum, I’m petrified of ever putting my Dd through any of that.

I don’t understand how my mum could

Even if they say sorry, that they now realize how poorly equipped they were to parent, how parenting and coping strategies were different etc and they see the error of their ways….
Will any of those comments change how you feel about your childhood?

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@OutdoorHousePlant Don’t you think they’d be devastated to know how much it affected me? I wonder if they even realised how bad it was[/quote]
Why do you want them to be devastated ? Serious question, what are you hoping to get from that ? Closure/ an apology . Seriously I think your first stop should be a therapist, and take it from there

I don't think its a good idea to confront them because it achieves nothing. They will just get defensive.
I coped by moving a long way away, keeping contact to a minimum and going to a therapist.

@Changechangychange What do you mean?
Yes it was messed up when he did that, but it was almost like he did it to punish my mum, she could hear him downstairs. It was like he was regretful he didn’t stay with them. All so messed up to say to a child, nothing to do with sexual abuse though, but definitely wrong, these are the things I sometimes think about and don’t understand,
I’m wondering how much this has affected me deep down

My dad was an alcoholic and violent to my mum. She did leave in the end but it was obviously incredibly frightening and difficult. She had nowhere to live for a while and really was in fear for her safety. I and my siblings weren’t home for the most part anymore so I guess it was too difficult to contemplate it while we still stayed at home.
Being the child of an alcoholic is hugely damaging in itself. As well as all the other stuff.

@Mydogmylife I don’t want them to be devastated, it’s strange as I feel guilty even thinking about saying anything to them and possibly making them feel guilty. But also I recognise that it was totally shit and shouldn’t have been what my childhood was about

OP sounds like some of the other stuff, while less awful on the surface, could have had a really nasty and insidious effect. The idea that you, as a kid, were used as a scapegoat actually really upsets me maybe even more than his violence. I would definitely speak to someone but not them.

You’re doing great to be addressing stuff they do in the here and now, such as not getting drunk around your DC. You may feel confident being firmer in this with therapy. For example, your dad clearly has a huge issue with booze, so he would not be drinking at all in my house, and happily tell him “I don’t like you when you drink”. That’s something in the here and now that has to change, especially as your DC get old enough to notice.

@Seaweedhair Really sorry you went through similar.
My parents are the same, still together, relatively happy and also don’t think my mum would take any of that now.

@lunarlandscape

I understand the urge but I wouldn't confront them. Because I doubt you will get anything but pain from the experience. They will deny it or minimise it or accuse you and sulk or break down and make you feel guilty for challenging them. Just acknowledging it and acknowledging you would never do the same is hugely beneficial.

this

see a therapist first

@Whipittillitpeaks

I’m always reminded of that poem (I forget the writer) ‘They fuck you up, your parents do’ (along those lines)

Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse: www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

Don't confront them, OP. They didn't mean you any harm and it's not their fault they have such imperfections.

I had a dysfunctional family. My mother was the violent drunk though. She tried to drown me in the bath when I was about 4, I still remember it, she even broke 2 of her fingers hitting me over the head. I think she must have had PND, and my dad was a bit of a useless cad.
It once took both myself and my sister hanging off his back to stop him from strangling her (she had pushed him in front of a car during an argument on the way home from the pub if I recall correctly).

Things much improved when my mum stopped drinking and divorced my dad. It’s not a close relationship I have with my mother as a result, but I still love her and understand she had many problems. My dad died several years ago. I was a total daddies girl, even though looking back he was a bit of a shit dad.

I did have a relatively happy childhood though, it was just when my parents had been drinking that we were witness to some awful behaviour no parent should subject their child to. We’ve never talked about it, although my sister and I still laugh at some things, a coping mechanism perhaps. I think therapy would be better than opening up fresh wounds with your parents. I’m not sure there’s any benefit to dredging up the past.

@user1470132907 It’s strange it’s like recently I’m really opening my eyes to so many things and starting to understand, maybe it’s age, or just now having a child, but people are so messed up.
I even mentioned to my Dh half jokingly if I should go to speak to someone (he knows quite a lot, but we’ve never spoken in depth) I’ve just always buried things. He said straightaway that he thinks it would be a good idea, it sort of surprised me.
There are so many dysfunctional things I now see and I suppose I feel quite angry that I was treated that way, it’s mainly my dad, but my mum had her issues too, maybe because of my dad, but I feel I got the brunt of so many things in different ways.
I’m not perfect by any means, but my number one aim in life is to protect my Dd, I can’t see how all these things could’ve happened.

@user1470132907 Yes, after Dd was born, I sort of cheerfully but firmly said there would be no drinking in the house, he half laughed as if he didn’t believe it, but now hasn’t when they’ve come to stay, only when we’ve gone out. No way am I risking any kind of behaviour in front of Dd. He’d probably just be very silly, he does start to cause trouble though and wind people up etc, it’s not fun for me, isn’t happening anymore, not in my house with my child.

@butwhatcanwedo So sorry about that, it sounds horrendous, it’s hugely damaging to children.

Honestly no I wouldn’t say anything.

I’d say I had quite a crap childhood (lots of DV, MH issues etc) but my parents act like my childhood was really good and it’s almost worse that they dismiss things ever happened.

My childhood has had a massive impact on me as an adult - eating disorders, never been in a long term relationship etc and I want to have it out with them but whenever I mention something that happened they will say I’m making things up even though my siblings were there too. But they’re the type of people to ‘forget’ what happened a week ago so things don’t ever get resolved.

OP, I'm sorry you have had this experience.

People are assuming your parents would minimise/deny/make you feel guilty. But let's say you confronted them and they told you they were deeply sorry. Would that really make you feel better? My guess - from personal experience - is that it wouldn't. I think it would make you want to probe more, or to go home and ruminate and come to the conclusion that they're not really sorry and are "just saying that". Once you are damaged, it's very hard to take an apology as a genuine apology. What you're wanting is for them to say some magic words that will make it all go away and for it to be as if none of it had ever happened.

Therapy is a much better bet.

I would also suggest that, given that you are unlikely to be given what you really need, you might need to draw a line under it and think about how you are going to move forwards and be the best parent you can be - whilst realising that you, too, will make mistakes. Not the same ones that your own parents made - but mistakes, all the same. And when you do, you have to hope that your daughter will be willing to acknowledge that nobody is perfect, and not let your mistakes govern her present and future.

• The problem is that they won't remember it as you do. All our memories are different even if we are in the same situation at the same time. So you will be unlikely ever to get what you want from them. Even if they remember some of what you do it won't change anything.

Concentrate on you. Create the life you want with your children because you want it, not out of fear of the past.*

I agree with this. I have issues with my childhood but I decided I wasn't going to bring it all up. We have a good relationship now and although it has affected who I am now, it's up to me to move on from it and I don't think I would ever get what I would see as a satisfactory response. They won't see it the same and they won't admit to it being as bad as it was.

I’m surprised at people they’ll minimise it/won’t admit to it being as bad as it was etc-why would they do that? If I was the parent, those episodes would probably haunt me and I’d feel v guilty, surely?

@Alcemeg Philip Larkin, that’s right, thank you

I had a difficult childhood too. And I've not forgiven my mum for any of it.

But have I confronted her? No. What would be the point? It wouldn't take any of it away. There's no excuse she could offer for it, and she would be likely to be defensive or lie about it, which would only make things even worse.

So I get on with life, see her only every couple of months for an hour or two, and focus on being a very different kind of parent to my own kids.

I've drawn a line under it all. By a certain age, there's no point in dwelling on this stuff. You get on and make your own future. Which I've done successfully, and I see no point in planting a bomb under it all

Don’t you think they’d be devastated to know how much it affected me?

Depends if they remember the situations like you do. In my experience family can have varying memories of the same incident.

@Whipittillitpeaks

I’m surprised at people they’ll minimise it/won’t admit to it being as bad as it was etc-why would they do that? If I was the parent, those episodes would probably haunt me and I’d feel v guilty, surely?

Cross-posted. I'm amazed that you think they'll just say they're sorry and they should never have done that. The odds of that are close to zero.

It's infinitely more likely that they'll say your memory is tricking you and it really wasn't like that. They'll minimise it and be defensive. And they might even believe their own version by this point.

I think you’re being unfair to your mum.

@saraclara why though?

@OppsUpsSide I feel so sorry for how it must have been for my mum, but also there are issues there, she was often quite cold, I was left to my own devices a lot. How could she sit downstairs and hear him waffling on drunk to her small daughter about things kids shouldn’t hear without telling him to stop etc