Page 11 | Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

amibeingselfishorwhat · 2021-11-20T14:57:23+00:00

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some Help. My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes. I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train. AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

Mossstitch · 20/11/2021 23:30

👏👏👏 @villageOf8 couldn't put it better so I'll second your post. I'm not much younger than Op's mum and wouldn't dream of expecting a pregnant mother of 2 who is working full time to do anything for me. The mum should be helping op. She sounds very selfish and manipulative to me!

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 21/11/2021 00:11

How about saying you will drop her off and can collect her in a week.
If she needs picking up any sooner then she gets the train.

EdgeOfTheSky · 21/11/2021 00:13

@Chakraleaf

I don't think driving 2 hrs when pregnant is that bad?

You are right.

So on a working day probably best if the OP sets off at 5 am because then she can be back home by 7.15 (allowing for a 15 min break to go to the loo and say an early good morning to granny) and then she can get back home in time to get her kids up and ready for nursery / school, and get to work.

If she isn’t vomiting too much, obv.

Otherwise getting in from work, quick tea (if she isn’t vomiting too much, on) , sort the kids, and set off in the evening might work better.

Given that her Mum wants to go for less than a week so only one of the trips can be done at the weekend.

Juniper68 · 21/11/2021 00:54

What if you didn't drive? What would she do then?

She's pretty young. My sister is late 60s and no way would she expect this.

You need to think of yourself.

SammyScrounge · 21/11/2021 00:58

It could be that your mother is not able to step up from the platform on to the train, or down from it at the other end. Fear of a fall can make people very nervous.
She wants to stay with her own mother for a few days. That would involve you driving her there and driving her back. The inconvenience of these journeys would be compensated by you not having to run after her all the time.
Your mother will be afraid that her mother will slip away soon and she wants to be there. Don't grudge her that.

tenredthings · 21/11/2021 02:29

I think unless your mother has a physical condition that stops her taking the train then she's being pretty selfish.

If she's forced by circumstances to take the train she will see how easy and liberating it is and this could help her develop more confidence.

Yes we should go out of our way to help family but that goes for her too. You work, are pregnant and presumably have to take two children with you to go taxi her.

Orchid876 · 21/11/2021 07:53

@SammyScrounge

It could be that your mother is not able to step up from the platform on to the train, or down from it at the other end. Fear of a fall can make people very nervous. She wants to stay with her own mother for a few days. That would involve you driving her there and driving her back. The inconvenience of these journeys would be compensated by you not having to run after her all the time. Your mother will be afraid that her mother will slip away soon and she wants to be there. Don't grudge her that.

She's 65 not 85, and the OP has said she is fit and healthy.

Frazzled50yrold · 21/11/2021 08:01

Your Grandmother is so elderly and it's so commendable that her family are providing care for her. Could you not regard this as your contribution to the effort the family are obviously making.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/11/2021 08:12

Your GM is in her final days or weeks from your last update. I'm surprised you didn't make that clear in your OP

Without question I would take my mum. It's 1 hour. That's a drive to the opposite side of the city I live in!

I could not countenance saying 'no' at the point when a close relative - your mum's own mother, for goodness sake! - is close to dying.

Your husband using the word 'disgusting' is unbelievable.

However, as this appears to be a wider issue, at a more suitable time, it would be good to establish boundaries around what you will / won't do. But not this time.

User5252727 · 21/11/2021 08:15

A couple of times a week is not much effort on your part, and your mother is losing her mum. I think you should do it.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 21/11/2021 08:21

Your Grandmother is so elderly and it's so commendable that her family are providing care for her. Could you not regard this as your contribution to the effort the family are obviously making.

I agree. If your grandmother really is at the end of her life OP, won't you want to see her more often yourself? Your mum is losing her mum. I think this whole situation should be viewed as more than an 'inconvenience'. I've been in a very similar situation myself (including the HP) and it was a really difficult time for a few weeks, but I'm glad that I played my part in making things slightly more bearable for some other family members.

lololololollll · 21/11/2021 08:23

I would do probably shunting for my dying grandmother and Mum who was losing her Mum!

Youseethethingis · 21/11/2021 08:50

An "inconvenience" would be having to skip gym sessions and cancel lunch with the girls to do this.
Having a job, 2 children and being heavily pregnant and exhausted having suffered hyperemesis are reasons the OP she not have demands like this placed on her. She is important too.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 21/11/2021 09:12

An "inconvenience" would be having to skip gym sessions and cancel lunch with the girls to do this.
Having a job, 2 children and being heavily pregnant and exhausted having suffered hyperemesis are reasons the OP she not have demands like this placed on her. She is important too.

I didn't say, or imply, that she wasn't important. Life is difficult and a bit shit sometimes. All of what you say is true, they are reasons not to do it. But I also believe that there are reasons to do it too, like seeing your own dying grandmother and supporting your mum and other family members.

As an aside, I don't think 6 months is 'heavily pregnant', but I understand that everyone has different benchmarks regarding that.

Howshouldibehave · 21/11/2021 09:14

So on a working day probably best if the OP sets off at 5 am because then she can be back home by 7.15 (allowing for a 15 min break to go to the loo and say an early good morning to granny) and then she can get back home in time to get her kids up and ready for nursery / school, and get to work

I can’t believe someone would suggest this to an exhausted pregnant working mum of two just so that a 65 year old doesn’t have to get a train!

OP-how has your mum made it through life this far? Has she ever had a job? Been responsible for getting herself anywhere!?

MrsFin · 21/11/2021 09:26

It's an hour. It's hardly exhausting. Her mother is dying. Just take her.

Youseethethingis · 21/11/2021 09:42

Why can't the mother "just" take the train? Her mother is dying and she can't just get over herself?

EarringsandLipstick · 21/11/2021 09:42

@Youseethethingis

Why can't the mother "just" take the train? Her mother is dying and she can't just get over herself?

😳 God what a callous reply.

RandomLondoner · 21/11/2021 09:42

in what world is 2 hours a "quarter of a weekend"

It's say Saturday morning gone. If you start leaving at 9am, putting on outside clothes and locking up, actually leave at 9.15am, get there 10.15am, 30 minutes to help her indoors and say high to aunt, go to toilet, have a cup of tea, depart for home 10.45am, reach home 11.45am, 15 minutes to put away the car, change back out of outdoor clothes etc. and it's now 12am.

Even if you figure on smaller non-driving periods, it's still enough of the morning gone that there isn't time to do anything else, like a weekly shop.

Having said that, I'd count that as a sixth of a weekend, as I mentally divide days in three: Morning, Afternoon and Evening.

Orchid876 · 21/11/2021 09:47

@Howshouldibehave

So on a working day probably best if the OP sets off at 5 am because then she can be back home by 7.15 (allowing for a 15 min break to go to the loo and say an early good morning to granny) and then she can get back home in time to get her kids up and ready for nursery / school, and get to work

I can’t believe someone would suggest this to an exhausted pregnant working mum of two just so that a 65 year old doesn’t have to get a train!

OP-how has your mum made it through life this far? Has she ever had a job? Been responsible for getting herself anywhere!?

I read this as sarcasm, I don't think it can be anything other than sarcasm. If anyone asked me to do something involving two hours travelling on a normal work day, when I've got a full day of work, plus children to deal with, whilst being 6 months pregnant, my response would be one of shock that I was even asked and an outright no. When I was pregnant, when I finished work I pretty much went straight to bed I was that exhausted. I can't believe some people think this is even feasible. Their lives must be generally quite undemanding is all I can presume, as no way would two extra hours be available to me in a normal working day.

Youseethethingis · 21/11/2021 09:50

@EarringsandLipstick
Good. It was to illustrate the point that people are being very callous to OP.
Why can't she "just" to this that and the other. There is no "just" about it. She has enough on her plate without her mother expecting a full chauffeur service midweek on top.

GenderApostatemk2 · 21/11/2021 09:54

Being on a train is far more pleasant and less nerve wracking than a car journey. Is it the cost putting her off, do you think, and she’s using anxiety as an excuse?
She’s not being fair to you, I can’t imagine pressuring my daughter, pregnant or not, into something easily avoidable.
She’s an adult, I think I’d develop severe backache that’s worsened by driving.
You need to learn to say No.

RampantIvy · 21/11/2021 09:58

Your Grandmother is so elderly and it's so commendable that her family are providing care for her. Could you not regard this as your contribution to the effort the family are obviously making.

The OP works, she has two children, she is exhausted and pregnant. It makes me cross that a perfectly healthy 65 year old has developed such learned helplessness. It gives us women a bad name. My SIL is a bit like that, and her life has got smaller and smaller because she won’t do things for herself that she is perfectly capable of doing.

Howshouldibehave · 21/11/2021 09:58

I read this as sarcasm, I don't think it can be anything other than sarcasm.

Fair enough, I can’t tell anymore!

EdgeOfTheSky · 21/11/2021 10:46

@Howshouldibehave

So on a working day probably best if the OP sets off at 5 am because then she can be back home by 7.15 (allowing for a 15 min break to go to the loo and say an early good morning to granny) and then she can get back home in time to get her kids up and ready for nursery / school, and get to work

I can’t believe someone would suggest this to an exhausted pregnant working mum of two just so that a 65 year old doesn’t have to get a train!

OP-how has your mum made it through life this far? Has she ever had a job? Been responsible for getting herself anywhere!?

It was sarcasm.

See the glib post it is a reply to.

WHEN is a mother of two with a f/t job supposed to do 2 x 2 hour journeys a week as a regular thing?