Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

[amibeingselfishorwhat]

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

@Orchid876 rest assured it was sarcasm!

P.S yes sarcasm, but maybe hard to recognise as so many people think this is easy to fit into a working and parenting week.

I would do it

I* would do it.
*
That's awesome that you would do it. Not everyone has the same circumstances though and it doesn't make OP selfish because she doesn't feel up to doing it.

Cant you take her on the train to say that she needs to come back on the train?

There are a couple of issues here. The first is the dying grandmother. I am a bit taken aback that a 65 year old cannot get the train. Realistically, in a couple of months, you are going to be in labour and then have a newborn. At what stage are you going to stop driving? I stopped a month or so before my due date (I am sure that there are people on this thread who carried on driving right up until the end but I don't care, stopping a bit early was right for me).

The second issue is what you do after your grandmother dies. You've said I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.. This is not sustainable and has to stop. Your partner is getting cross and you have enough to do. She has to be able to shift for herself a bit.

[quote Youseethethingis]@EarringsandLipstick
Good. It was to illustrate the point that people are being very callous to OP.
Why can't she "just" to this that and the other. There is no "just" about it. She has enough on her plate without her mother expecting a full chauffeur service midweek on top.[/quote]
To see her dying mother.

It's 1 hour. I can't imagine not doing it.

If there are other ways the DM is behaving in an entitled way, deal with those separately. This is not the issue to do so.

I'd do anything for my mum. I once picked her up from Belfast, 6 hour round trip and had to stop multiple times to vomit as I was so sick. She was coming home as her sister didn't have long left.

To see her dying mother.

It's 1 hour. I can't imagine not doing it.

If there are other ways the DM is behaving in an entitled way, deal with those separately. This is not the issue to do so.

It's 2 hours, an hour each way, twice a week until Grandma passes.

It's just not sustainable for OP when she's working full-time, got 2 kids already and is in her last trimester.

As an occasional thing, of course you'd do it, but as a regular thing, it's a lot to ask. Plus OP may not be physically capable of doing it in the coming months, depending on how her pregnancy and birth go.

@category12

If Grandma is truly in the situation that OP describes, it won't be months.

If OP can't do it, that's ok. But her DM is not terrible to assume she might.

Most of us would do it in an instant

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

And she didn't consider that before moving, because she knew she'd be manipulating you into doing even more running around after her.

She needs to grow the fuck up - she should be ashamed of herself, relying on her pregnant, working mother DD.

If you want to see your grandma, then go ... but go by train, with your mother in tow, so she then has no excuse about being "nervous" FFS.
And if she pulls that stunt again - well what a shame she's "too nervous" to make the visit, because you're too busy to play nursemaid to her ridiculous antics.

I think if she wants to go and help she should organise how she is going to get there herself. Your mum can't say she wants to help and then start roping other people into it to drop her there and back.

I think for me it would be the tone of her expecting that I would do it - if your mum had discussed with you that she was wanting to help, would you mind dropping her etc etc it would be different. But to me it reads as if she is assuming that you will run around after her to facilitate this.

OP works, has kids and is pregnant. Presumably her mum is retired so has no real responsibilities - I can understand why she doesn't what to have to feel obliged to use what spare time she has being a chauffeur.

[quote EarringsandLipstick]@category12

If Grandma is truly in the situation that OP describes, it won't be months.

If OP can't do it, that's ok. But her DM is not terrible to assume she might.

Most of us would do it in an instant[/quote]
I think a lot of "us" would struggle to do it - easy to say I'd do it in an instant when you're not in the situation.

A sife point perhaps, but people are adding to the OPs story. She says she works, but doesnt say it's full time - thats people adding to her account. She says she has only recently got over HG, not that she's currently studying from it. That said, it's clear she has a lot on her plate.

But this is her mother going to care for her dying very elderly mother. It's not exactly a jolly for her is it!! This isn't the time for the OPs mum to get over her fears (which may actually be Covid related and very sensible), it's the time for the family to pull together. The mother cares for her own mother, and the OPs job is to care and support her mother in being and to do that surely.

The OPs situation isn't easy, but i cant imagine a world where I'd deny my mother help to spend time with her dying mother in her final weeks.

@Moonbabysmum

A sife point perhaps, but people are adding to the OPs story. She says she works, but doesnt say it's full time - thats people adding to her account. She says she has only recently got over HG, not that she's currently studying from it. That said, it's clear she has a lot on her plate.

But this is her mother going to care for her dying very elderly mother. It's not exactly a jolly for her is it!! This isn't the time for the OPs mum to get over her fears (which may actually be Covid related and very sensible), it's the time for the family to pull together. The mother cares for her own mother, and the OPs job is to care and support her mother in being and to do that surely.

The OPs situation isn't easy, but i cant imagine a world where I'd deny my mother help to spend time with her dying mother in her final weeks.

Hmm, I would be more sympathetic to OP’s mum if she was apologetic and said she hates to ask and knows it’s a pain when Op is pregnant and she will fit in with whatever suits Op as she’s so grateful for the lift, but she’s demanding OP takes and collects her every few days!

I think people really need to work on their imaginative powers.
I personally struggle to imagine a world where I'd look at my struggling pregnant child and think the best thing to do would be to add to her considerable burdens.
The DM decided to move away from her own DM. She's decided not to use the train. She's decided she won't stay for a week, only 3 days at a time, thereby doubling the work for the person she has to decided will have to drop everything, including her own health, to facilitate.
OP gets to decide that it's not on.

@Chocolatewheatos

Suck it up till your gran dies. Your mum will never forgive you if she feels she let her mum down.

Hopefully her mum will have an attack of logic you lack and never forgive herself for not catching a train to see her dying mum. It’s a train. The op has describe it pretty clearly as a straightforward trip. The op is pregnant, working, with dc. Hyperemesis is an illness, for me I’d describe it as a cross between chronic fatigue and a complete allergy to all food. . Pregnant and working is often exhausting. I’m 6m pregnant, have 2 dc, work full time and have had hyperemesis. My disabled mother would catch the train before asking me to drive her as she knows how hard it is.

Leaving aside the driving to see DGM, that's a separate issue, I agree @ChargingBuck. It's a GP's prerogative not to help with childcare if they don't want to. But it's absolutely not OK to expect a DD to do that much running around after a DP at this stage in their lives, just because they don't want to do things for themselves, especially a DD who isn't in much of a position to help and has enough going on. There's LOADS of things I don't particularly like doing, but I have to suck it up or pay for someone else to do it. I recognise that it would be entirely unreasonable to expect anyone else to chauffeur me around/hoover my house/do my laundry, just because they were related to me. DM is not elderly, they are not ill, they do not have mobility issues or an anxiety disorder. What exactly was DMs plan for getting around when they moved? Maybe they need to move again to somewhere where their amenities are all within walking distance, and they can get a taxi the odd time they need a lift. That is what someone who didn't drive/didn't want to use public transport should do, it is not OK to presume you can be dependent on relatives. If things have changed due to Covid, and they were happily using public transport before but are now unwilling to, as Covid isn't going anywhere now probably is the time to reassess their living situation and move somewhere else more appropriate.

By her getting the train (especially through a major city like Birmingham), there's surely a considerable rush that the OPs mum will get Covid and give it to her ill mother.

You really need to stop mollycoddling your dm. She's 65 and fit. She needs to tackle her issues.

Just say you've been told to rest by your gp. To be honest they would probably suggest you do as little as possible considering your circumstances.

Listen to your dh.

I think you need to suck this one up, and just do it. Especially if g-ma genuinely is in her final days.

I personally struggle to imagine a world where I'd look at my struggling pregnant child and think the best thing to do would be to add to her considerable burdens.

Exactly. Well said.

I am 64.

I would do anything for my mother…such as a 1 hour train journey.

Easier for me as I am not pregnant with a full time job and 2 kids to look after.

@BlueCupOrangeCup

It's only an hour there and hour back. I would do anything for my mum. So yes I would do it. She would do it for me.

The OP is 6 months pregnant. Pretty soon it is going to be very difficult to be driving for 2 hours let alone after she has given birth. No, much better for the mum to work out an alternative now as she will have to in a couple of months anyway

Say no more. Hyperemisis is the most awful and exhausting condition. It took me a full six months to get over last time and I still feel sick even at the thought of it.

At six months pregnant and having had a serious pregnancy-related illness you are entitled to take it easy. My MIL is a bit like your mum in that she is just 'nervous' about the train - no real reason to be. My husband is expected to do a 6 hour return drive every few weeks while I stay home with 3 babies under 30 months so she can visit 🤨

Can anyone else step in at all? If not, train one way is reasonable. Taxi is reasonable for an hour's drive. There has to be some movement though, you can't do everything.