Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

389 replies

amibeingselfishorwhat · 20/11/2021 14:57

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

OP posts:
Middleagedspreadisreal · 21/11/2021 18:49

You are being selfish. Your mum will never get this time back. Do it.

altiara · 21/11/2021 18:53

@amibeingselfishorwhat

If you think you can do the trip to your Grandma’s once a week, then I would and tell your DM to get a taxi back. Her mother sounds like she is at the very end of her life. Sounds like your auntie is fed up of being the full time carer.

If you can’t, then you can’t. It’s not for someone on the internet to tell you how ill you feel.
But really sounds like it won’t be for long of granny has stopped eating.

Flowers
FatHat · 21/11/2021 19:00

I don't get how people are saying op is being unreasonable and "weak" to not want to do a 4hr round trip twice a week, while 6m pregnant, 2 kids at home and a job.

But it's fine for her DM as a fit and healthy unemployed 65yo to not want to do a train journey twice a week?

As if OP hasn't got enough on her plate.

millievanillaice · 21/11/2021 19:02

YANBU

Your mum is silly. Too scared to get a train? She's acting like a child. Although I tnink a lot of kids would be confident enough to take a train by themselves

Although i guess she won't change now.

You could go with her the first time to hold her hand

Howshouldibehave · 21/11/2021 19:06

@FatHat

I don't get how people are saying op is being unreasonable and "weak" to not want to do a 4hr round trip twice a week, while 6m pregnant, 2 kids at home and a job.

But it's fine for her DM as a fit and healthy unemployed 65yo to not want to do a train journey twice a week?

As if OP hasn't got enough on her plate.

This x 100!
dottiedodah · 21/11/2021 19:16

I think YANBU at all! Driving when pregnant is uncomfortable .I think she will have to get used to using the train.Is she nervous of Covid or just travelling alone do you think. Maybe go down with her on the train and let her see what its like

Justcashnosweets · 21/11/2021 19:17

If it were me, I would take my Mum. However, my Mum would never ask of I was in the same situation as you OP, and she also helps me out alot with childcare. Your Mum does nothing to help you yet expects you to be her personal chauffeur whenever she likes? I would take her but tell her she needs to get the train back.

Kanfuzed123 · 21/11/2021 19:22

@Chloemol

Your aunt needs help, your mother wants to help

I think you should take her, she wants to stay for a few days. It’s an hour away in the car not a days journey

It will give you the chance to sound some time with your grandmother

Then go a few days later to pick her up

It’s family, family pulls together. How much help dies your mother give you?

Don’t be so selfish. You are pregnant, not ill

The line you are pregnant not Ill is vile.

You never asked OP how she feels so how on gods green earth do you know?

DaisyStiener · 21/11/2021 19:34

If your mum doesn’t help with the DGC, then no, sorry.
Harsh but she’s not working as a “team” with you, but expecting it when she needs it to be so?
Nothing stopping you from driving down , whenever you feel up to it , to see your gran- and invite DM for a lift ?
She’ll never get over her “fear” of trains if she doesn’t try.
And she’s chosen to move away at this critical point? But NOT so she can assist with DGC? Confused

DreamTheMoors · 21/11/2021 19:39

My mum would’ve done anything for me.

I would’ve done anything for my mum.

I’d give anything for just one more car ride with her.

Chandimum · 21/11/2021 20:30

This.
Not the same exactly but I get very anxious driving outside my home town, due to being in an rta several years ago.
People keep saying 'just get over it' and to' just drive that hundred of mile journey'.
PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety, is no joke.
I think OP should compromise and do the trip with DM a couple of times if it's none of these things.
It's only 1 extra trip per month OP?
I think it's a good idea to get DM confident with the train trip IN CASE you really cannot do the drive for whatever reason, or perhaps either do the drop off or collect your DM, then she can do the other way by train. Also she needs to be independent of you once DC arrives.
I think it's very unfair being told you're 'pregnant not ill'.
I had a terrible time and I'm not one to make a fuss.
My fatigue was so bad that I couldn't leave the house after 4pm & certainly not drive, I literally felt I'd been drugged and fought tooth and nail to stay awake for 5pm to give my DC dinner.
Also gastric problems and hip pain so bad I could barely walk, let alone sit in the car for hours at a time!
Please don't listen to the judging comments.
But please do take some time with your nan while you're there with your DM, she is the closest person to her other than yourself, she should be important to you too?
I hope you do have a good relationship with your nan.

Dnaltocs · 21/11/2021 20:34

Supportive families just do things for each other. Unless you are very ill, just be a family member and do the decent thing. Could your husband help?

It’s all about supportive families, it’s just what we do as offsprings. I’m pleased you still have a mum and a grandmother both are long gone in my life. Take care of them whilst they’re here.

Hope your pregnancy is smooth and your child doesn’t find itself in similar circumstances in the years to follow.

Best wishes and enjoy the maternal lineage.

disconnected101 · 21/11/2021 20:41

Why did your mum move further away from her own mum to be closer to you and the kids if she never helps out?

Nuttyslacker22 · 21/11/2021 20:42

Can’t your mum stay for longer if she wants to be there and help, maybe do the drive once a month? Can your partner help? Could you put her on the train and your auntie meet her at the other end? Hope you get sorted 👍

MrsBobDylan · 21/11/2021 20:49

Yanbu. Sounds like your Mum wants to go up there to 'do her bit' but only stay a few days because she is lazy and that pisses your auntie off, hence why she 'gets shouted at'.

My Mum used to be 'scared of getting taxis' when it suited her.

I would not be asking my dd at 6 months pregnant with two other child and who works to be ferrying me around.

Tell her she needs to get the train.

Also, could those who were fortunate to be brought into this world by decent, loving people please lay off with the 'I would do anything for one more day' stuff. Not all parents are created equal.

Fluffmum · 21/11/2021 20:54

Just suck it up or ask your partner to come with you .

AuroraSophia · 21/11/2021 21:16

The ‘you’re pregnant not ill’ comment is vile.
Do what feels right for you OP.
It sounds like you do a lot for your mum and don’t feel like you get much back so I’m sorry to hear that. If your mum wants to help she should get herself there seeing as she is an adult. Don’t push that added pressure on yourself. It’s a shit situation all round but do what feels right for you!!!

LovelyIssues · 21/11/2021 21:20

Personally I think YABU. and I think you'll regret it if you don't

Lokdok · 21/11/2021 21:30

Yabvu you will regret this unkindness forever

Stilsmiling · 21/11/2021 21:33

Get the train with her so she knows what to do.
Tell her that you have been so unwell and are struggling managing work and kids and you or your oh don’t want to negatively effect your pregnancy with you being so exhausted. You need to spend the next three months trying to build yourself up so you are able for labour or Caesarian birth and then look after another baby after that.

If she still doesn’t listen consider telling her that you have been advised by your mw to slow down and rest more.

Youseethethingis · 21/11/2021 21:33

Who is being kind to OP?

Lunde · 21/11/2021 21:36

@Lokdok

Yabvu you will regret this unkindness forever
Wow - who is being kind to a woman with pregnancy complications?

Why isn't her fit and healthy mother being kind to her daughter or own mother?

EdgeOfTheSky · 21/11/2021 21:40

@Fluffmum

Just suck it up or ask your partner to come with you .
LOL: both parents setting off on a two hour trip after work, and needing to take 2 small children with them.
DDMAC · 21/11/2021 22:16

My mother was exactly the same, she had terrible anxiety though, she would never have taken a train alone. She passed from dementia a few years ago.
I would do it to be honest. I know you’re busy and probably very tired but it’s not forever

Winnerwinnerveggiedinner · 21/11/2021 22:35

OP, I’d accompany your DM on the train ride once to show her how it’s done and increase her independence. You have enough on your plate. Does she have a partner that can help out? The ‘I’d do anything for my mum’ brigade don’t seem to be applying that approach to the sixty five year old who needs to take a deep breath and learn to take public transport. How old are you? 35? You’ll be tired with a young family and job.