Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

[amibeingselfishorwhat]

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

Hi op, my suggestion is that you do it at least once, but be clear with your mum that you may not be able to continue. Then see how you feel. Heavily pregnant with your 3 rd child and working is not a picnic and you should not feel bad if you do find it too much. On the other hand it may give you a break from your normal routine and may build some family good feeling with your Aunty.

I used to regularly travel by train to see my children who all live at a distance. One journey to a station in Powys involves 5 changes and takes from 07.30 - 16.00.
If your mum has a smart phone, the whole journey can be mapped and each change and platform shown in real time.
I haven't travelled as much since Covid reared its ugly head but have travelled more locally many times...and not caught the virus. Just wear a mask and keep a reasonable distance as you would anywhere. I'm 77.
I hope your mum gives train travel a go. She may benefit from buying a senior Railcard.

...and NO, you're not selfish. I don't do anything I don't want to do but I understand that the OP may feel backed into a corner with the words 'death' 'near the end' 'it's your mother' 'you can see your aunty' etc. Mum needs to learn to rely on shank's pony and public transport. Bus pass and a Senior Railcard. The UK is then your oyster. No worries re traffic jams or begging for lifts.

Grandma/mother/auntie all seem to be wanting to pull their weight. It's what people who are family do. What are you doing for your grandma.
YABU

I assume she doesn't drive or have a car. I get she might not want to use public transport because of Covid. If I were you, I'd probably be a bit annoyed. However, as her mum is dying, I'd probably drive her down, if I were you. It also depends on how busy you are.

I completely disagree that DM seems to want to pull her weight. She doesn't seem like to type at all, more she wants her DD to ferry her around on her terms. DD can "pull her weight" by driving her DM up once, DM can stay the week, then DD can collect her and bring her back home. For DM to ask that DD drive up during the working week just because DM doesn't want to stay more than three nights at her sisters smacks of massive entitlements and a complete lack of gratitude for what her DD does for her. And it sounds like her DD does do a lot for DM, yet DM, who is retired and has no-one to look after but herself, does not very much at all.

Sometimes you have to grit teeth and do the right thing. X

@notoldjustpastyoung

Grandma/mother/auntie all seem to be wanting to pull their weight. It's what people who are family do. What are you doing for your grandma. YABU

The aunt pulls her weight. DM wanted to move away and get a chauffeur...

Yes. Totally.

OP is your DH pulling his weight with the kids and more? My DP took everything on when my Gran was dying and I was having to help out so much more with my Mum and my Gran.

Honestly if I were you I'd be going as well, just because I'd want to see my Gran as much as possible.

Sorry, but I think you will just have to suck it up. Caring for family members is hard work and you’re really not being asked to do much, other than a relatively short drive. Maybe you can have a sort out with your mum to clarify how often is feasible, and to ensure it can be fitted in to your schedule, rather than ‘on demand’.

Please look after yourself and stop driving her. She will have to go by train.

You need to take care of yourself and the baby. Listen to your husband, don't argue with him. Tell your Mum that your husband has put his foot down and is worried about your health and has said that he will not let you drive her anymore.

I thought from your post that your mum was elderly. She’s not much older than me and I’d happily get myself there by train or bus. I think you need to treat her as an adult and let her make her own arrangements if she really wants to go.

If you have an accident, you will never forgive yourself.

@scotvic

Sorry, but I think you will just have to suck it up. Caring for family members is hard work and you’re really not being asked to do much, other than a relatively short drive. Maybe you can have a sort out with your mum to clarify how often is feasible, and to ensure it can be fitted in to your schedule, rather than ‘on demand’.

No she won't. She needs to look after herself and the baby.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

OP is your DH pulling his weight with the kids and more? My DP took everything on when my Gran was dying and I was having to help out so much more with my Mum and my Gran.

Honestly if I were you I'd be going as well, just because I'd want to see my Gran as much as possible.

No, the baby comes first, not grandma.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

If you have an accident, you will never forgive yourself.

That's ridiculous.

If we go down that train of thought, OP should be on bed rest until baby comes because she might slip in the shower or fall down the stairs.

@Jeannie88

Sometimes you have to grit teeth and do the right thing. X

No she doesn't. The baby and the OP's health is all that is important. Not Grandma.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx it's not a one or the other choice.

The OP has said she is exhausted. It is not safe for her (or other road users who she could also kill) for her to drive.

OP, please don't listen to all these martyrs. Listen to your husband and to your body.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

The OP has said she is exhausted. It is not safe for her (or other road users who she could also kill) for her to drive.

OP, please don't listen to all these martyrs. Listen to your husband and to your body.

Please don't put other road users at risk. You should not be driving if you are exhausted.

OP, all the matters is you and the baby. PLEASE listen to your husband. He knows what he is saying.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx which is why I said DH should be stepping up, taking up as much of the workload as possible with the other two children and she can rest up more.

Maybe she'll feel more upto it with more rest, that way she gets to see her Gran as well. This is what I'd be doing, the guilt I had when my Gran died was unbelievable and there was nothing I could have done to see her more and help more due to restrictions.

[quote WhenISnappedAndFarted]@ILoveAllRainbowsx which is why I said DH should be stepping up, taking up as much of the workload as possible with the other two children and she can rest up more.

Maybe she'll feel more upto it with more rest, that way she gets to see her Gran as well. This is what I'd be doing, the guilt I had when my Gran died was unbelievable and there was nothing I could have done to see her more and help more due to restrictions.[/quote]
You should not feel guilt about someone who has lived to a good age. She has had her life.

All that matters is the new life, the baby. Grandma would not want the OP to put herself and her baby at risk to see her in her final days. And if she did want her to put herself at risk then Grandma is not worth visiting anyway.

She is a healthy grown woman...with a bus pass. Perhaps she could take a direct coach? I don't understand how she is anxious about the train unless she has a phobia. You are six months pregnant and you are going to put a lot of stress on yourself if you are juggling so much. You will only manage one or two trips before you will just find it way too much.