To think it's fine to ask children to go to their room after a certain time

[TvWhatNot]

So adults can watch what they want in the living room? Curious to gauge opinion.

I personally think it's fine to ask older children who would be up later, to go and play / watch TV in their room after a certain time so the adults can watch something themselves. I often watch programmes which I'd not want to watch with my DC so that's my opportunity to do so.

I was also expected to do the same growing up and it never bothered me.

What do you think?

We dont really encourage playing in their rooms on their own.

Genuine question @WholeClassKeptIn - how do you foster the ability to make one's own entertainment and enjoy one's own company if (as I presume) your DC are always with other people except when they sleep? Not judging, just asking.

Partly I'm curious because although I did enjoy spending time with my parents as a kid, I also loved reading and playing in my room on my own (only child, introvert) and would often do it by choice, and genuinely can't imagine what it would have felt like to be with other people all the time. Obviously I realise introvert and extrovert kids are different - I'm just curious.

When they were younger (under about 15/16) they were expected to be upstairs after 9pm unless they wanted to watch what we were watching

However the 17 year old last night was downstairs till about 11pm because he was playing a game with me, tonight however he's been playing on his playstation in his room since about 7pm (not sure if he's still on it - I suspect not, because he tends to turn it off somewhere between 9 and 10)

We are less authoritarian and don’t order our children to their rooms.

We discuss at dinner who wants to use the living room that evening and agree on time slots. So if DC#1 wants to play on the PlayStation, and DH and I want to watch a show, then DC#2 wants to watch a show...we just agree on who and when and it always works out. Never had a family fight or argument over the living room.

(Our children have never had TVs or game consoles in their rooms it naturally limits screen times if we share the living room for these activities).

@PlanDeRaccordement

We are less authoritarian and don’t order our children to their rooms.

We discuss at dinner who wants to use the living room that evening and agree on time slots. So if DC#1 wants to play on the PlayStation, and DH and I want to watch a show, then DC#2 wants to watch a show...we just agree on who and when and it always works out. Never had a family fight or argument over the living room.

(Our children have never had TVs or game consoles in their rooms it naturally limits screen times if we share the living room for these activities).

That’s very much been the situation in our house.

I'll kick the kids out to watch stuff, but they will also kick me out to watch their programmes, so I don't think it's particularly unfair. We don't really encourage watching stuff on laptops in bedrooms,so if there's something that someone wants to watch that other people don't, the other people generally go elsewhere. They would be horrified to watch explicit sex scenes, especially in the presence of parents, and even the mildest of horror is too much for me, so we all have stuff we want to avoid.I have noise cancelling headphones for when I want to read on the sofa and they want to binge watch anime.

My DDs are not even 2yo yet, but when they're older I'd probably send them upstairs after supper. They can go to bed when they like but they have to "improve themselves" (as my mum used to say) in their own room.

I'll most likely let them stay downstairs at the weekends though. We'll see in about 5 years, hey?

@PlanDeRaccordement

We are less authoritarian and don’t order our children to their rooms.

We discuss at dinner who wants to use the living room that evening and agree on time slots. So if DC#1 wants to play on the PlayStation, and DH and I want to watch a show, then DC#2 wants to watch a show...we just agree on who and when and it always works out. Never had a family fight or argument over the living room.

(Our children have never had TVs or game consoles in their rooms it naturally limits screen times if we share the living room for these activities).

It's not 'authoritarian' to have a few generally-observed and helpful house norms. And it's not about 'ordering' anybody anywhere.

@JohnKettleyIsAWeatherman
Disagree. Any rule set by parents that children are to be in their rooms after a certain time is by definition authoritarian and it is clear that the word “ask” doesn’t mean asking in the sense that children “asked” to go to their rooms cannot say no. Ergo it is an order, not a request.

Kids sent upstairs here! Never been an issue for them. God I couldn't imagine any more kids TV past 7!!

My DD is a preteen and still has a set bedtime, so I don't have this issue yet but idk if it is just because she is an only child and her dad and I are separated so it's just the two of us at home in a small 2 bed flat, but she will often take herself off to her room to read, draw, listen to music/podcast/audio books etc in the evening anyway.

DD knows that she needs to be in bed by 9pm on school nights and before that she is free to do as she wishes but she just naturally takes herself off to her room by about 8.30 anyway to just have a bit of quiet wind down time before lights out - she is not the kind of kid who could go to her room at 8.55pm, be in bed by 9pm and asleep by 9.10pm.

Some nights we will sit and watch TV together in the living room or play board games or she will do her homework at my desk while I read (she has a desk in her room but I don't have space so mine is in the corner of the living room, so some nights she will do her homework in her room and other nights she likes to use my desk so that either I am available to help or just so she can have the company) for most of the evening and then she will take herself off at about 8.30pm and other nights she will disappear into her room when she gets home and, other than dinner, I won't see her all evening.

The only time I ever really "send her to her room" is if I have friends over so that we can have the living room to ourselves and even then it's not like the doorbell rings and I immediately frogmarch DD to her bedroom and forbid her from coming out for the rest of the evening. Usually DD will have a bit of chit chat when my friends first arrive as she has known a lot of them since she was a baby (especially if I have a few friends coming over and they haven't all arrived so she will chit chat to the early arrivals so I can make drinks/answer the door to the other guests etc) and then when all my guests are there I will usually tell DD its time for her to go to her room so the adults can chat. If she pops back before her bedtime because she wants to refill her water bottle (our kitchen is through the living room) then it's not an issue but if she was to keep coming back to just be part of the evening then I will send her back to her room.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@JohnKettleyIsAWeatherman
Disagree. Any rule set by parents that children are to be in their rooms after a certain time is by definition authoritarian and it is clear that the word “ask” doesn’t mean asking in the sense that children “asked” to go to their rooms cannot say no. Ergo it is an order, not a request.[/quote]
Disagree.

If a parent says to a child 'Will you go up to your room now, please?' that is clearly a request and not an order.

Do you consider setting rules for children to be 'authoritarian' per se? Sounds a bit like it, based on your posts.

@JohnKettleyIsAWeatherman so you would be ok with them.saying " no, actually I would rather stay down here"?

Absolutely not. The kids have TVs in their rooms so they do often go off and do their own thing. But I would never ask them to leave if they were sat with us just so I could watch something else. I’d much rather spend time with them given the choice.

@cheeseismydownfall

I found there is a bit of a window when this is necessary - late primary/early secondary. Now DS is nearly 14 he is welcome to watch whatever we are watching, and I really like it when he joins us.

Yes, we are in this window. Nearly 10 year old goes to bed 9.30pm but you have to be a bit careful what a 10 year old watches. I don’t last long after his bedtime (I get up before 6am) but I do appreciate half an hour on my own watching something not suitable for a 10 year old.

discuss at dinner who wants to use the living room that evening and agree on time slots. So if DC#1 wants to play on the PlayStation, and DH and I want to watch a show, then DC#2 wants to watch a show...we just agree on who and when and it always works out

Oh wow, this would probably cause ww3 in my house!

We just had rough bedtime expectations on school nights. Never felt the need to go beyond that.

I had set bedtimes for the DC until they were 13/14. And didn’t watch non age appropriate stuff until after their bedtimes, the last set bedtime was 9pm. But my youngest DD is now 15 and since set bedtime ended, I don’t ask her to leave. However, on the rare occasion I watch something she doesn’t like, she leaves of her own accord. I’m generally happy for her to see nearly anything at 15 but she doesn’t like sci fi or violence in films at all, so chooses to leave the room sometimes. We do often watch films together until quite late, and we all take turns to decide what to watch.

Mine are 12 and 14 and have to be upstairs before 10pm on week nights. That allows me 30 minutes or so to finish work or just wind down myself before going up.

On weekends it's the same, but probably closer to 10 or may go slightly over, and they are allowed to take phones up or use the firestick or console to watch something. That still gives us a full evening together, though sometimes they choose to be online gaming with friends, especially ds2. At some point on a Friday and Saturday nights we will have 'song turns' and ds2 will tend to perform his - he's a massive Kpop fan. An hour or so of that is more than enough for me, I'm afraid. I need an hour or so on a weekend evening to watch something I want in peace and that's not really possible with both of them around. Ds1 often wants discussions with me, which is lovely and I hope it continues, but I can't keep it up past 10pm!

We have a playroom and they each have a room of their own, while ds1 enjoys a good pace up and down our kitchen diner with his music on planning world domination I think! There is not a chance I'm going to my room when I want to watch something - it's for sleeping in and that is important in my ability to switch off. And that's important as I'm the one keeping everything going for us all.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@JohnKettleyIsAWeatherman so you would be ok with them.saying " no, actually I would rather stay down here"?[/quote]
Well, obviously, that's where I imagine most reasonable households would exercise some flexibility, and if on occasion the kids wanted to stay downstairs for a specific reason, they'd get to do so (except weekday bedtimes, when obviously it's 'no, you need to go to bed now'.) That doesn't detract from having a general routine of kids being in their rooms by a certain time on most evenings.

If, however, the parent specially wanted them upstairs by a certain time, they'd say, 'well, I'd like you to go up, please.'

I'm basically describing my own childhood here, and I never felt pushed out or banished, that's how I know it can work without being authoritarian and without phrasing requests as orders.