To think it's fine to ask children to go to their room after a certain time

[TvWhatNot]

So adults can watch what they want in the living room? Curious to gauge opinion.

I personally think it's fine to ask older children who would be up later, to go and play / watch TV in their room after a certain time so the adults can watch something themselves. I often watch programmes which I'd not want to watch with my DC so that's my opportunity to do so.

I was also expected to do the same growing up and it never bothered me.

What do you think?

I definitely do this. My mental health would suffer if I had no time to not “perform” ie be mum or employee or cleaner or organiser. I go to my own room sometimes instead. Everyone is different. I don’t banish them either but I encourage x/y/z activity in their room

@JohnKettleyIsAWeatherman

Good grief, according to some posters on here it seems every single waking moment (or children's waking moment, anyway) has to revolve around one's children!

Haven't RTFT but as a pp pointed out, when are parents ever supposed to have couple time? (I don't mean sex, I mean evening time for TV/books/chat.) I guess people are going to reply with 'after the kids are in bed', but that doesn't leave much time, also why should adults have to skulk around in their own living rooms, recording stuff and then having to watch it late at night when they're probably knackered?

TBH I think it's no wonder some marriages are under strain if everything has to revolve around children to this extent. I also think it does a child no harm to know that up to a certain time it's family time, but after that it's time for them to do their own thing (or go to bed, depending on age) while the adults spend some time together. That's not 'banning' or 'excluding' kids imho, it's just family life.

This, this and more of this 🙌

I wouldn't. To me the living areas of the house are communal. If I wanted time to myself I'd go to another room or bedroom.

@WyfOfBathe

I agree with another poster who says you could go to your room to watch TV instead. That’s what my parents did, and what I’m starting to do occasionally now my DC are getting older.

Of course that still means that your apart, but it seems kinder to me than sending them to their room. Instead of being shut in one room, they can choose to be in the living room, play footie in garden, get a drink from the kitchen, etc. Most of our DC’s things are downstairs (PlayStation, art supplies, etc) and I wouldn’t want to stop her having fun just so that I could watch TV - I know some DC keep more things in their room though.

It depends what's in the rooms I guess.

With our DC they have loads in there, a TV, games console, laptop, books, games, even a gaming chair.

Obviously we don't have all of that in our room so it would make more sense for DC to spend some (not all) time in there considering its where the majority of their stuff and tech is. I think adults rooms tend to be much more minimal, in my experience anyway.

I think some PPs are assuming we never do anything like watch TV or a film together. Of course we do! And I'm certainly not talking to a point where they can't come and get a drink from the kitchen, I'm not THAT evil 🤣

Those saying that we should go to our room instead, would you think it okay then, if the DC followed us in there to tell them to leave? I actually think poster's would probably call us awful for that too.

There's obviously a difference in what people think it's fair/unfair. Honestly the suggestion that my parents would have sat upstairs on their bed watching TV so I could lounge on the sofa with headphones on rather than in my room is hilarious to me.

Your bedroom isn't generally considered a common area, in a house though.

It is a MN trope that if you give in to every teenager’s wants, it will make you a good parent and, if you don’t, ‘you will lose them’.

Teenagers actually want firm boundaries and, ultimately, it is the adults’ house, which they work and pay for.

Of course, I am not advocating neglect or cruelty, merely that adults actually prioritise themselves at least some of the time.

It is no wonder that teachers at school struggle when people suggest giving the run of the house to teens and to send themselves to their bedroom.

But the point is that the OP would sometimes like time in the living room without them outside when they're in their rooms anyway.

Well exactly, there will be evenings they’re in their rooms anyway. I’m not saying it’s mean to send them to their rooms every now and then. Sometimes adults need to have important discussion, catch ups, or simply want to watch their choice of TV.

But a lot of posters seem to suggest this is an actual rule in their house, that everybody who isn’t an adult goes to their room at X time every. single. night. That, for me, is not living like a family.

It's a family culture thing I think. I wouldn't dream of it - but to be fair mine prefer to slope off to their rooms anyway. Now they are older I cant think there's anything I watch that I wouldnt want them to see. Well, maybe the 13 year old but he tends to self-police, so too much violence, fear or worst of all sex, and he'd be off like a whippet.

Mine re almost 14 and 15 so it's more trying to get them to sit with me i the evenings I struggle with!

There are a few things my eldest will watch with me that are 'our' programmes, such as Gogglebox on a friday night, but otherwise they both prefer to do their own things in the evenings anyway. They are not big TV watchers, more youtube/gaming/facetiming friends, which they do from their rooms or in the other family room. Good job I like my own company!

I never had the need to do this when my two were older children. they both used to like being in their own bedrooms in the evenings. This was in the days before gadgets and stuff, and they liked to chill out themselves, my son always doing some project or other, and my daughter doing her art stuff, or listening to music etc..

We had a TV downstairs, but myself and late Husband were not really into just sitting around, and watching a TV all night on any regular basis.

Both son and daughter kept regular sleeping times, and as I mentioned, no distrations from gadgets in the bedrooms.

My older children I ask to leave the living room by 9pm. Although ds wants to watch I'm a celebrity together so I will let that happen whilst it's on as I think that's his way of us spending time together. But normally it would be 9. As I fk need a bit of time on my own

I think some PPs are assuming we never do anything like watch TV or a film together. Of course we do! And I'm certainly not talking to a point where they can't come and get a drink from the kitchen, I'm not THAT evil. 🤣

Yes when my girls were children/teenagers and in fact right into adulthood we spent a lot of time watching things together and lounging together in the living room. They and I have lots of happy memories of that cosy time together. However as children/young to mid teenagers they still went to bed/their room at a time that was appropriate to their age. And I had time to myself or with DH (my partner at the time) in the evening as was entirely appropriate for the adult(s) of a household. Of course they could still come down to get drinks/snacks/have a talk or ask a question if needed, they weren’t forbidden from coming out to see me/us. They also stayed up later at the weekend and we’d do something or watch something together.

Honestly the suggestion that my parents would have sat upstairs on their bed watching TV so I could lounge on the sofa with headphones on rather than in my room is hilarious to me.

Yes quite.

I mostly only watch live TV. When my two were younger they were always in bed before anything inappropriate came on TV anyway. I wouldn't send them to bed earlier than their usual bedtime just so I could watch something.

@Comefromaway

I mostly only watch live TV. When my two were younger they were always in bed before anything inappropriate came on TV anyway. I wouldn't send them to bed earlier than their usual bedtime just so I could watch something.

I'm not suggesting they be sent to bed. To their room to do something in there, not bed.

In the same way, if I had a friend over and wanted to catch up with them, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else in the family, adult or child, that they weren't allowed into the room. They probably don't want to sit around and listen to me and my friend's boring stories, but they're not excluded from the living space if that's where they want to be. If I did have something very private to discuss, I might consider asking people to stay away, but I can't think that it would be a normal thing.

That seems like a pretty extreme position to take, @Fink. Why is a bad thing to have boundaries on occasion? When my friends come over for a catch up, the initial greetings are swiftly followed by "ok, off you go." In the same way, if my kids had their friends over, I would never go and sit with them in the den. It's ok that things are private and even more ok that children are taught that not everything is their business.

YANBU, though we combine taking turns who gets first pick of evening entertainment and a time they go upstairs (and I'm not bothered what they do up there as long as it's quiet and siblings aren't disturbed - at least most of the time: hearing my oldest read his then 8 year old brother stories in funny voices was too sweet to get mad much at even if it was 10:30 at night).

My kids are 10-17, and yeah, adult time and having that evening routine engrained has been important for us. My spouse works nights, sleeping mostly during school hours, so having that 30-60 minutes doing what we want in the living room without being in 'parent mode' is important for us. There are a lot of things that either are too adult to do around the 14 year old (the younger two have an upstairs time at around 8-8:30, the older two around 60-90ish minutes later) or we'd just rather do us two for us. It's also been really important with my disabilities that I can trust them to follow the routine even when I'm unwell or not present.

I notice with my kids that they go through cycles where they crash right away for up to a few weeks and then have a few where they're up later. Having the 'early' up time I think has helped particularly my DD1 self-regulate that better. She had a while where she was unsure about going up early if she wanted to, like she felt that if she could stay up then she should. Thankfully she's over that now, she'll merrily take herself upstairs, but I remember being similar as a kid.

@episcomama

In the same way, if I had a friend over and wanted to catch up with them, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else in the family, adult or child, that they weren't allowed into the room. They probably don't want to sit around and listen to me and my friend's boring stories, but they're not excluded from the living space if that's where they want to be. If I did have something very private to discuss, I might consider asking people to stay away, but I can't think that it would be a normal thing.

That seems like a pretty extreme position to take, @Fink. Why is a bad thing to have boundaries on occasion? When my friends come over for a catch up, the initial greetings are swiftly followed by "ok, off you go." In the same way, if my kids had their friends over, I would never go and sit with them in the den. It's ok that things are private and even more ok that children are taught that not everything is their business.

@episcomamaI don't think it's a bad thing to have boundaries, I'm just describing what those boundaries are in terms of room usage in my house (stay out of the office at set times, stay out of siblings' bedrooms unless invited in, only use the bathroom when someone's already in there if they're ok with it, welcome in any communal areas). It's not wrong to do it another way, as I said at the end of my post; different families do things differently, it doesn't make them wrong.

I'm not suggesting they be sent to bed. To their room to do something in there, not bed.

To us bedrooms were for sleeping. They had a few cuddly toys in there and their books but all other toys and as teens electronic devices etc were downstairs. I would not send them upstairs until it was actually bedtime as they are members of the family entitled to enjoy the whole house.

I was never asked to go to my room as a teen but I preferred being in there so usually went anyway! I wouldn't ask DS to do it.

My kids are grown up and have left home now but . Is its not something I ever considered doing when they were at home. If they were old enough to he up late then old enough to watch what ever I would want to watch anyway.
I don't like the idea of making them feel not welcome in the living room when ever they wanted.

We dont really encourage playing in their rooms on their own. Being sent to their rooms would be seen as a huge punishment! (Not one we tend to use tbh but I'm aware others do). So its culturally odd to me. I can completely see others do things differently!

Nonny - yes its that sense of not being welcome that hits me too!

sense of not being welcome

🙄
oh the poor wittle dahlings!
how traumatised they must all be because they are being told "no".

I can't believe that there are so many weak, spineless, pathetic parents around who are incapable of setting some boundaries.

Parents shouldn't be afraid of their kids.
They shouldn't underestimate them either, children are not that lame & fragile and here's a newsflash: they actually learn the power of "no" and use it to their own advantage way before most PFB mummies and daddies realise that they have been played.

I wonder if these are the same parents who hover and fret and helicopter parent & end up trying to be way too involved in their teenagers lives, trying to control them, spy on them etc precisely because they have never taught themselves about healthy & necessary boundaries either.
yikes.
it must be suffocating to have no freedom, no respect and ultimately no trust.
Those poor kids who are never told "no". How will they ever cope in the real world?!

Actually I’ve raised confident, independent children (they are both neurodivergent but cope well on the whole). They know they are loved, valued members of the family, firm boundaries have always been in place and they respect every body’s needs.

All without ever having been banished upstairs.