In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

I appreciate people are trying to help but it isn’t necessarily about an issue with teaching. The things I dislike about teaching would apply equally to TA work, with the added disadvantage of it actually costing me money to work!

@imnottoofussed

I'm pretty sure most people don't want to work, we just all have to if we want any sort of life. What would you do if your partner said they didn't want to work? it's not really a choice you can make as an adult unfortunately.

It quite often is...

You maybe entitled to some tax credits or working tax credit if in uk - go on entitled to and put in all your details.

I know, poor bastard, @JudgeJ

I’ve quit my job, I’m expecting him to provide financially …

Oh, hang on, that didn’t happen at all, did it?

@Cornhill

I’ve no idea why people are getting argumentative with me about becoming a SAHM when I’m not a SAHM.

Is it not enough to be professional - is rabid joy an expectation now, as well?

Have you appealed your flex working rejection as I know people who have and were successful? It's very common for teachers to be part time, did they give you any reasons?

Does your husband get to consider renaging on his financial responsibility to the family as well?

@Cornhill

I appreciate people are trying to help but it isn’t necessarily about an issue with teaching. The things I dislike about teaching would apply equally to TA work, with the added disadvantage of it actually costing me money to work!

So, what is it you would like to do op?

Do you want to be a sahp temporarily while you retrain or find something else? Or even just until you feel comfortable leaving your dc? Lots of people sah till they get the free funding and then go to work. Then you won't be out money even if you take a temporary salary hit to start something new.

Yes, we don’t have the staffing in the department. Their argument (obviously it was phrased far more professionally!) is that they don’t want to recruit someone to work two / three days a week as the quality of PT applications isn’t as good (not true, but difficult to argue!)

It may be possible in the future, I was told it wasn’t a ‘forever no’ but it is a no for this year. Because of teacher resignation dates either way I am certainly stuck with it for the foreseeable future.

I don’t know @WinifredTheWondrous but I didn’t post for a solution. Sometimes there just isn’t one. That’s OK.

WTF is going on on this thread? Has it been infiltrated by MRAs?
If the OP's dh has issues then he can post about them.
Jesus Christ.

WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE MENZ?

@choli

Does your husband get to consider renaging on his financial responsibility to the family as well?

Ah give over.

I'll feel sorry for poor menz "having to be" the main breadwinner, the minute women have equal opportunities, equal pay and men do equal amounts of the unpaid work.

Again, I work, so don't come at me with the anti sah crap.

But in general, I refuse to shed tears for men when it comes to balancing family life and work. Obviously, case by case basis etc.

I fully understand where you are coming from. Are childcare and domestic duties properly shared? Your DH needs to pick up 50% if you are working full time. Are you getting some me time to yourself? This is really important and puts life into perspective. Otherwise my advice is hang in there, think about other roles, and in the longer term the joy may return.

I really get it OP. I'm an ex teacher and I now work as a freelancer. I'm generally rushed off my feet but that's because I earn a lot more than DH so there's pressure on me as the main breadwinner. BUT, I can arrange my hours around my son. If I wasn't the main breadwinner with that pressure then my line of work would be amazing for work life balance.

I make my income through two streams: online tutoring and commercial writing. I taught myself the basics of writing blog posts, press releases etc and it's taken me a while to get to a point where I earn a decent living from it, but it's really varied and interesting. I tutor for companies operating outside the UK (mainly China) because the after school hours there tie in perfectly with the time my son is at childcare so I don't have to work in the late afternoons and evenings. You'll need some kind of ESL certificate to do that but you would probably be a popular candidate with your experience.

Just a couple of suggestions, I'm happy to help if you want to PM me. Also, just a warning that there are a lot of companies with really exploitative terms for both writers and tutors, so it's important to do your research before starting for any of them.

Hi OP. I’m so sorry you feel this way. You have posted on MN about the possibility of being a SAHM / working PT, so unfortunately this will bring out the usual extreme and bizarre responses. But ignore, ignore, ignore!

The real question is - how do you think your DH would respond to you being a SAHM? This is what matters - not what randoms on the internet think!

Presumably you’ll be having another / more children in the future? It may just be that the best thing for you all is for you to do what makes you happy and to try being a SAHM. Happy mum, happy kids as they say.

If you are a teacher, there is loads you can do in the future. You may decide to return to teaching. Or you could do tutoring? Run a Saturday morning tutoring group? Or retrain as a play therapist, child psychotherapist? You can do this training one day a week over a year or two? Then you could work for yourself and fit it in around the kids as they get older. Such therapists etc charge at least £70 per hour.

Talk to your husband. Tell him how miserable you are. Life never has to be fixed in stone, you know. You are a teacher so will always be able to find work in the future. Being a SAHM can enable you to take stock, retrain, change direction and reinvent yourself if you really want to. I hope your husband is supportive. Most men will be if they see it as best for the child and family overall. Good luck!

@Cornhill

Like I say, I’m not saying I’m going to do anything. I haven’t even spoken to Dh about being a SAHM because even though in theory I want it, I don’t know that it’s actually a good thing. I’m just venting.

Well, maybe you should.

Obviously if he doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner then you need to respect that. But you ought to be able to have a discussion with him about the possibility.

Does he do his share at home as things are?

To be clear here, people with comprehension issues:

1. I work full time.

1. After tax and all that jazz, I earn £2400. Out combined outgoings are £2500. Not a bad contribution to the family pot.

1. I have no immediate plans to leave. Disliking something doesn’t mean you won’t do it (smear tests, dentist appointments, going through finances) - all some of the adult things we do that aren’t enjoyable but the consequences of not doing them would be severe.

1. DHs life is a fuck of a lot easier than mine. Do I resent this? No, not really. But sometimes I do wish he’d see how much I do. I sometimes feel a bit unappreciated I suppose but that’s probably a normal feeling.

1. Er - why am I even explaining myself?

Does your husband get to consider renaging on his financial responsibility to the family as well?
That's a bit goady.

If EITHER parent wishes to change their working status then it is a discussion for BOTH of them to have and to discuss what is best for their family in the short, medium, and long term.

Nobody gets to decide they are going to be a SAHP and the other has to be the breadwinner because that's unreasonable. Nobody gets to decide their partner has to take on full financial responsibility for the household because they want to be a SAHP.

But it's entirely reasonable for adults in a relationship to have a discussion about their family circumstances and family finances to make a plan for their family unit.

It doesn't have to be as black and white as SAHM or FT teacher.

The obvious option would be to take a break while dc are small, and take on part time or free lance work to continue bringing in a wage. The free childcare allowance will kick in once they're 3, and as mentioned above you may qualify for childcare vouchers on a lower income.

You will want to return to your career when your dc are older I would think, particularly if (as you say) you've always had a real passion for your job.

My OH was a SAHM until the DC were in school so about 7 years in total.
We worked out the cost of childcare for her to continue FT employment and after tax, deductions and childcare fees we would be 2k p/a better off.
We decided to trim our expenditure and she enjoyed the kids while they were young. Due to my shift pattern I was home 50% of the time so we had a great time as a family.
See how the finances work out, if you can do a small PT job then contribute into your pension as no contributions for a few years makes a difference later on in life.

As long as you're not expecting the shortfall in terms of benefits then I don't see why not.

Without going into a discussion about being overly financial reliant on a spouse/anyone, I guess it depends.

What is your job/career?

If you work in a professional environment by that I mean you did a degree that took years to complete (lawyer/doctor/engineer) and requires you to be registered with a professional body/knowledge and skills that need to be frequently updated then opting out of it would have a significant career impact, I'd imagine. A loss of identity/income/prestige .

However, if you have a job rather than a career, something that isn't dependent on qualifications/experience/ etc and essentially can be dropped/picked up.

Ooh yes, can you take a year's career break. I've done this before. What about functional skills teaching in a college??

DHs life is a fuck of a lot easier than mine. Do I resent this? No, not really. But sometimes I do wish he’d see how much I do. I sometimes feel a bit unappreciated I suppose but that’s probably a normal feeling.

This is significant and worth unpicking. Why is his life easier? Why do you feel unappreciated? And why do you think that's normal?

I would be wary of becoming a SAHM with a man who already didn't know most of what I do or value it in any way.

4. DHs life is a fuck of a lot easier than mine. Do I resent this? No, not really. But sometimes I do wish he’d see how much I do. I sometimes feel a bit unappreciated I suppose but that’s probably a normal feeling.

Can I ask why your DHs life is a lot easier than yours? You both work full time, so the amount of things you do out of work time should be the same? Unless he works much longer hours or some other aspect of his work that makes this difficult.