In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

Just thinking, does he have the option to do either of these if you do?

*always at home.

@moregarlic

also I get the logic of the argument that you need to work in case of a divorce but fuck me what a depressing outlook to operate from.

Read the Relationships board for more than about thirty seconds and look at the divorce stats and you’ll grasp why it is more ‘common-sense/self-protective’ than ‘depressing’ to never be economically dependent on another person in adulthood.

OP, how long have you been back at work? If it’s fairly recently, I wouldn’t make any decisions yet - give things a chance to bed down.

Part time work would definitely be the way to go, op, and a job will come up and you have to believe that or you'll go mad. I've learnt that balance is the key to everything. I don't know what your job is, but have you looked at jobs in schools, colleges and the local council?

Oh, you’re trying to imply my marriage is horribly unequal because I have the option to work part time (read my OP) or not work (read my OP.)

I already work in a school. I really can’t see a part time role coming up soon, and if it did, and was commutable, I’d have to fight so many applicants to get it.

I sympathise - I have a child a bit older than yours. I don’t like work and find the treadmill of wake up, eat, drop off, work, pick up, eat, toddler bed, housework, bed exhausting. I think people who’d choose to work (or at least work full time) if they didn’t have to are in the minority tbh.

My DH feels exactly the same way about work - he told me as much last night. He told me he was jealous of my maternity leaves because they at least broke the up the monotony of 5 decades in the workforce.

I wish work didn’t consume so much of people’s lives. When you think about it it seems such a shame that we have to sell a huge percentage of our waking hours just to survive, then we die!

@Cornhill

I already work in a school. I really can’t see a part time role coming up soon, and if it did, and was commutable, I’d have to fight so many applicants to get it.

What role do you do in school? Could you retrain to do something that would allow you to work part time?

I train careers advisers to work in schools and many of them do this part time or term time only.

I wouldn't work either if I didn't have to, and I don't have young DC (or a DH). I think it's normal - we work because we need to earn money to live, it's often a drag. And I actually enjoy my job and like the people I work with. But still.

And it's much harder with young DC - that part of it at least gets better.

I didn’t become a SAHP but I did end up as one of those frightening variables aged 48 that you mention when I became seriously ill. I recovered obviously as I’m not messaging from the grave but I am disabled now.

So my pension paid out at aged 50 due to ill health, I have another pension from my previous post still untouched it has 10 years contributions in. I retrained in my late twenties. I took a payout of three years salary which was tax free and my full pension.

When I took out my pension aged 21 I did view it as a pension for when I retired at 60 as it was then. I never expected to end up retiring so young.

DH is younger than me and got a promotion a few months after my illness and we had already paid off our mortgage so financially we were fine. My DS was 12 when I retired and actually being around for him after school at that age was actually brilliant.

I teach. It’s not that o can’t go part time, but my school have said no, and it’s quite rare for part time roles to be advertised. It may be they will reconsider it in the future and I hope so but either way I am stuck with it for the next eight months at least.

Trying to compare Dhs job to mine is apples and oranges, it really is. We have vastly different roles. Dh isn’t enjoying his as much as he did, but that’s related to the pandemic rather than having DS.

Read the Relationships board for more than about thirty seconds and look at the divorce stats and you’ll grasp why it is more ‘common-sense/self-protective’ than ‘depressing’ to never be economically dependent on another person in adulthood

I work, and wouldn't give it up, but this isn't strictly true for everyone. For example spouses with high earning partners can end up better off, even after divorce than they would otherwise have been. If you want to get very cynical / pragmatic about it, it sometimes works out as more beneficial for the lower earning partner not to be working, as it establishes a pattern of the high earning spouse supporting them financially!

Also, in most relationships, people are co dependent on each other economically. How many households can afford to only have one income?

I don't argue with people looking out for themselves financially, but this argument is again, laying responsibility squarely at the feet of women who have the odds stacked against them already. "Oh silly you. Why didn't you just get a job that covered all your household bills so you wouldn't be in this position when your dh left you for his colleague"? Most people don't cover all their household bills alone. Including men tbh.

Why don't you speak to your husband about temporarily becoming a SAHP while you retrain and find a passion.

I breastfed, went to breastfeeding groups and now I'm volunteering as a breastfeeding peer supporter so I can get an infant feeding role.

That's what I'm doing alongside my job because I'm single however if I had a committed partner who was happy to be financially supportive I would quit my day job in a flash.

It’s absolutely fine to want to be a SAHP. It’s better for your long term finances to find a part time job if you can, even if that means shifting fields or retraining.

I’ve no idea why people are getting argumentative with me about becoming a SAHM when I’m not a SAHM.

Is it not enough to be professional - is rabid joy an expectation now, as well?

@Cornhill

I teach. It’s not that o can’t go part time, but my school have said no, and it’s quite rare for part time roles to be advertised. It may be they will reconsider it in the future and I hope so but either way I am stuck with it for the next eight months at least.

Trying to compare Dhs job to mine is apples and oranges, it really is. We have vastly different roles. Dh isn’t enjoying his as much as he did, but that’s related to the pandemic rather than having DS.

Ok. So perhaps rather than teaching roles in your current school or not working at all, there might be other education related options open to you? I appreciate that there would be a delay in you being able to leave because of notice times. Part time TA roles, tutoring?

I don’t think it’s necessarily the wrong thing to do. I work part time and I know we could have more money, a better pension plan, a bigger house etc if I worked full time but we have a great life/family/work balance instead.
I think it’s important to enjoy the life you have just now as well as just planning for some hypothetical future. If you love the time off with you child and you hate work then I think you need to seriously consider finding a different job which you can do part time. Work enough so at least your pension is covered at least.

My children are nearing the end of primary school now and I don’t regret one bit the extra time I’ve had with them.
You also might find your budget is not affected as much as you might think when you add in transport cost, childcare, paying for a cleaner etc. You’ll have more time to cook from scratch, plan a budget, find bargains etc (if you want to of course).

You could also Use the time to retrain for something else, if your a teacher how about a post grad course in something like speech therapy? Or how about tutoring, I know from experience dyslexic specific tutors are in huge demand and hard to find around here at least. Would that be a possibility? As you are starting with a degree I think there could be a lot of options or you could have a simpler life and do some cleaning as suggested earlier.
You don’t have to choose between your current full time role and full time sahm I don’t think.

It’s plenty to be professional. I imagine teachings quite draining.

@Tabbacus

OP there are government funded tech courses at the moment, 12 or so weeks and it'd be fairly easy to get a job- reasonably paid so could maybe look into part time, working from home, flexible etc.

@tabbacus

What courses are these please?!

I have a friend who was a teacher. She quit (she hated it) and now works for a children's charity in London. She prefers it and she still works with kids, which she likes. Just less full on.

You could maybe try being a TA? If you can afford to.

@Cornhill

I’ve no idea why people are getting argumentative with me about becoming a SAHM when I’m not a SAHM.

Is it not enough to be professional - is rabid joy an expectation now, as well?

SAHM always get attacked on here, you can probably figure out the reasons for that yourself. It’s ironic that a mothers’ forum of all places cannot be supportive of SAHM.

I'm pretty sure most people don't want to work, we just all have to if we want any sort of life. What would you do if your partner said they didn't want to work? it's not really a choice you can make as an adult unfortunately.

I don't think you are BU. I earn butt loads of money and work full time from home (did pre-Covid). I am considering future plans to drop to part time because I feel life is passing me by. I think it's perfectly reasonable not to want to work 5 days a week until you drop dead... BUT you need to consider a constructive plan to enable you to quit or reduce hours. How much money do you need to bring in? Does your husband support your goals to reduce hours? What's the long term plan?

You could quit and become a school dinner lady for example. Short term gain, long term - will that get you where you want to be in 10 years time.

I'm 45 now and my kid will go off to college in 8 years (or leave home for something else). I'm saving to support her and then so I can drop my hours down to working 3 or 4 days per week. I'd also like a sabbatical and that would be unpaid... I am divorced and that would have been far harder without my salary.

So perfectly reasonable to be considering work life balance but you need to see the bigger longer term picture too.

@Bluntness100

Can you afford to be a stay at home mum? Does your husband support such an idea?

The OP doesn't seem to give him much thought! Maybe he would like to stay at home while she went out to work to support the family,

I’ve just gone back to work after having my first child. It’s really hard to adapt back - I’m neither living my career life pre baby, not my mat leave life with baby groups and coffees.

I’ve only been back 6 weeks so I know I need to get back into a new routine and see the new normal. I work part time which does make it easier, and outsource everything possible so any spare time I have is with DC.

If there is no possibility of part time in your current role, you’ve got a few options.

1. Speak to DH about becoming a SAHM permanently
2. Look at the possibility of job shares in other schools
3. Leave the profession entirely and go into a related career - training and development, adult learning, tutoring.
4. Retrain into something that allows you to work part time or more flexibly
5. Take a career break for a certain period of time and see if your feelings change as DC gets older.