In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

OP there are government funded tech courses at the moment, 12 or so weeks and it'd be fairly easy to get a job- reasonably paid so could maybe look into part time, working from home, flexible etc.

YANBU! There is so much more to life than work. I think most people would choose to spend their time doing non-work stuff if they could afford to.
I am a SAHM with no career to go back to though and that is a problem too, as what happens if DH dies etc? SAHM/WOHM is a dilemma as old as time is it not.
Maybe go part time? My friend works 1 day a week to keep her foot in!! Obviously has a flexible employer though. Each situation and family is unique and has to do what works.

Could you look for part time roles elsewhere? It doesn't have to be either/or.

I know what you mean.

I actually love my job, I had to cut my hours down though when my grandchildren came into my custody.

I still love my job but I’m permanently exhausted from trying to juggle everything, including a 1 year old that still wakes at night. My house is always messy and when I am at home and should be cleaning I’m chasing around behind an overactive 2 year old and just want to sleep!

I’d quit in a heartbeat if I could afford it,

I'm a wohp, but i don't strictly need to be. Dh earns so much more than I ever will. That does seem pretty common. For whatever reason, women tend to earn less. And no, it isn't because all women just wake up one morning and decide they want a low earning career, before anyone starts on with "women make the wrong choices". Reminds me of that meme "women earn less because they do low earning jobs like nursing, childcare, female doctor, female engineer, female banker...". Women earn less in general even if they choose the same career path as their make counterparts.

I love my job. Would I do it if I hated it? Fuck no! Yes, yes financial independence, how could you live off your dh like that blah blah blah. But this is the world we live in. I would love to think that I could earn the same as dh and get the same level of respect at work if I just did x, y, z, worked hard etc. But chances are I would not. Not ever.

Anyway, I think my point is, that you're about to get a lecture about how you have to make the right choices so you can have a good income. But I hate it that women are made to feel as if their choices are what makes them lower earners, when the odds are stacked against them regardless.

Anyway, yanbu, but could you not find a job you love? As the saying goes "find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life".

Fwiw, I don't work in an office and I wouldn't unless it was that or literal starvation. It isn't the only option!

You could retrain, go self employed, move into a different line of work to work part time, or be a stay at home parent.
It's not unreasonable to want to be a stay at home parent, but it needs to be an informed decision (eg pension contributions, impact of time out of the workplace, change in earning potential over time) and your DH also needs to be on board with being the sole financial provider.

Well of course you don't want to work. No one does! Just depends on if you can fund your existence. I wouldn't like to put all the burden on my husband and I also wouldn't like to have less money, so I would never give up work unless I was physically incapacitated. Horses for courses though. Depends on what you're willing to accept.

I have no advice but I think this is really common when people go back to work - like you’ve said; you suddenly experience not needing to work, and the financials largely being okay (if you’re lucky), so you can spend your days at baby classes and out and about; and it’s a big culture shock to then go back to an office and colleagues and rushing around on a schedule.

Flexible working seems to make it worse for some people because it stops them getting back into the habit… for others, it makes it more bearable.

Being self employed often comes up but that can be a LOT of work, and take more hours than a “normal” job to get up and running, especially if you need the money. You can be home, but you can’t be at baby groups or whatever without making up the time later…

And you can look at different careers and courses if you think changing would help - but if it’s just the shock of being back at work; I’m not sure a new job would help. Especially if you used to like this one. I think it’s just pushing through until this becomes your new “normal” again, and doesn’t feel so odd, and then re-evaluating it then. It often takes 12 weeks or so for a new habit to form; and the cold winter months are the hardest anyway, it goes dark so early that it feels like you just work and sleep.

Have you went back and spoke to work about flexible working?

I think this is pretty normal to feel after mat leave. It hasn’t helped that your FW application has been declined. I must say though for sanity reasons I’m grateful for my PT job (30hrs) and there is the pension to think about. I hope you can find something part time because in my experience that is the right balance

It isn’t a simple choice. I think that’s the problem.

There are benefits to me working but many of these benefits are as insurance if you like - if I die, or become incapacitated, or Dh leaves me. So I probably won’t actually see the benefits of it. A bit like car or house insurance.

But the potential consequences of not having that insurance is serious.

There are also considerations like - will it breed resentment in my marriage, will it lead to problems in retirement, etc.

YANBU OP. I'd love not to have to work. Unforrtunately I've never been in a position where I couldn't not work, didn't even have maternity leave. Literally worked right up until going into labour with them all and then had to return within 2 weeks because of our circumstances. I would've given my right arm to have been a SAHM, even for just a little bit. If you've got the means and can afford to do it, I say talk to DH and see if you can make it work.
So you may have to go without a few things if money is tight, but you can always look for part time anyway, something may come up or like someone else said, retrain and try and get into a something you'd find more enjoyable.
If you can, go for it.

I think the majority of people work to live rather than the reverse so will empathise with you.

If you won a big jackpot on the lottery, what would you do after the first year? Have a think about this scenario and it might help you to think about what you truly desire in terms of work/fulfilment.

Its a really difficult one. I get how you feel. Its why I've always taken an evening job since having children. Baby-to almost starting school really is the best years. I enjoyed all the baby groups/socialising etc. We made the most of the big places like the zoo/Peppa pig world during term times and and going on holiday! Id never go to Centre parcs now for example, not when I paid £400 a couple of years ago. Veruses the £1k they want now!!

If you can afford to be a SAHM then I'd do it.

I'm a wohp, but i don't strictly need to be. Dh earns so much more than I ever will. That does seem pretty common. For whatever reason, women tend to earn less. And no, it isn't because all women just wake up one morning and decide they want a low earning career, before anyone starts on with "women make the wrong choices". Reminds me of that meme "women earn less because they do low earning jobs like nursing, childcare, female doctor, female engineer, female banker...". Women earn less in general even if they choose the same career path as their make counterparts.

The issue around choice is really interesting. Caroline Criado Perez author of Invisible Women refers to women choosing lower paid, lower skilled and part time work as a choice that isn't a choice.

Globally women take on 75% of unpaid work so tend to choose jobs and careers that allow them to do that.

The gender pay gap widens significantly once you have children.

Those that say women make the wrong choices are being totally ignorant of the many factors influencing women's career development which starts when we're children.

Does he enjoy work?

If not, Could you both work part time?

We know a few couples who do this and might be heading there ourselves...

Absolutely how I felt OP. I went back to work in May this year after 13 months maternity and just hated it, I missed my baby, he missed me, hated leaving him when he was ill and crying for mummy, absolutely hated the rushing around, I had to talk myself out of crippling anxiety every morning we had to rush. I lasted 3 months of working 3 days a week before I resigned. I now work 1-2 evenings (6-12pm) a week and life is pretty much stress free.

For me and my baby, it made a huge positive impact on life. Do not regret resigning at all and will continue to work in current position until baby is in pre school (2 and a half-ish), I’ll then look for a work from home position 3 days a week.

It’s miserable isn’t it @User310

Does your DH want to be a stay at home dad? Or go part time?

I'm 27 and childless and I absolutely hate working lol, I want to like working, but I just don't.. I'm hoping that I just havnt found the right job or company yet, but I feel like I spend the majority of my life sat on my arse and not being myself, I am a different person at work to who I am in real life because I have to be due to the culture of my office, it sucks and makes me depressed... am hoping for a change next year though!

I’m not posting about my DH? Sorry @Invasionofthegutsnatchers, I think you’re trying to make a point, but I’m not sure what it is.

I felt the same OP. I returned to work for a further 3 years (with another stint of ML thrown in) when I finally left. I still feel sad about how many years I lost with my children stuck in an office all day with people I didn’t like doing a job I wasn’t passionate about any more.

Thankfully my DH became a higher earner and I was working a whole month (part time at this point) for what he earned in a few days. It no longer made sense (after childcare I was effectively earning £100 a month) to continue so I left.

Of course I have now lost out on pensions, it’s difficult to get back into work once you’re out of it but my children are at school, I spend my day looking after the house and my family, and we are all extremely happy with the set up. DH doesn’t have to do housework or pay for a cleaner, children have one parent at home for everything they need at all times, dinner is always home cooked, i socialise during the working day with friends so we get a lot of family time. I can’t imagine ever working again.

I felt like you too op. I got made redundant just before DD was born with statutory maternity and redundancy pay so I had to go back to work full time when she was 16 weeks old. I was miserable and used to cry after I dropped her off at nursery every day (she was fine!). I would second those who say work in the public sector. When DS was born I had 14 months off (with annual leave) and went back 3 days per week. It made a huge difference and I quite enjoyed my days in the office. Between DH and I (both public sector) we’ve never missed a school assembly or sports day and can ensure one of us is always when they can back from school (now they are both at secondary). Money is not so great but quality of life is so much better and we both have ok pensions etc.

I'm SAHM and it works really well for us as a family, yes we have to make sacrifices but its so worth it.

It’s totally understandable

I think deep down most people fee like this after having kids

I’ll be honest, I was done with the whole working thing by the time I was about 35 and I had a well paid satisfying job