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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In not wanting to work?

416 replies

Cornhill · 19/11/2021 07:35

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

OP posts:

OhDear2200 · 19/11/2021 08:24

Just to add working with small kids is relentless. Mine are secondary level now and I do feel I have more time to breath! For example they get themselves to school and are out of the house before I am. Having 15 minutes in a quiet house makes all the difference!!!

Couchbettato · 19/11/2021 08:25

This is exactly how I felt OP after returning to work after having my son.

The thing is, my flexible work application was approved, so I worked less hours.

But the less I worked, the less I wanted to work.

It was like having a taste of the good stuff, of a proper life, and then being forced into a job that just seemed so awfully pencil pushy.

I am still doing that job, but I'm also volunteering in order to get a job in a different sector that is more family friendly and I get so much satisfaction out of my voluntary role.

But no I don't really want to work now. The grass IS greener on the other side and I want a slice of that cake.

It's a shame I am just not a lucky one with enough money to do so.

SmileyClare · 19/11/2021 08:30

I went from full time teaching to self employed cleaner. I work 4 hours a day in different client's houses at a rate of £15p/h so it works out as £60 a day.

It's stress free and much less hours than a full time job and I like that it keeps me fit. I've actually become really good friends with a couple of my older customers and stay for a cup of tea and a chat after I've finished.

That might not be for you, but setting up as self employed could be an option.

I'm not skipping to work every day filled with excitement but work's work isn't it?

dottiedodah · 19/11/2021 08:35

I think working FT with a young baby is very hard for most women . Have you spoken to DH at all about how you feel? Could you be a SAHM until DC is old enough for Nursery Funded hours maybe. I think if you are fairly young (30s or early 40s) them you still have plenty of time to think about future pension pots and so on .

Herewegoagain84 · 19/11/2021 08:36

I felt a bit like this - still do. But I keep reminding myself that I enjoyed work beforehand, and how it gives me identity etc. The early years go by so fast, so you may suddenly find the children are at school/becoming more independent and feel like you wish you were doing something for yourself. Keeping things going during the relentless years is the pay off for this I guess.

Herewegoagain84 · 19/11/2021 08:37

Unless of course it would be easy for you to find a new job at that point (my profession means that if I drop out now, it would be extremely tough/impossible to rejoin it).

Original poster

Cornhill · 19/11/2021 08:37

I just miss the things we used to do, we got out and about, baby classes and walks in the park and picnics by the river (obviously in summer, not now - be a bit chilly!)

Perhaps as a PP said I have had a taste of the good life now (after working since leaving university, so nearly twenty years) and I hate it. It isn’t the job so much as not being able to enjoy life particularly.

OP posts:

Capferret · 19/11/2021 08:41

I feel for you.
I was lucky enough to only ever work part time after first dc was born.
Apparently there are lots of jobs in the uk so you may find something to suit.
Could you take a career break?

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/11/2021 08:43

Can you do any courses to get a better job with more work life balance?.

Original poster

Cornhill · 19/11/2021 08:44

Like what? I’m not being snarky - I’m genuinely interested!

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/11/2021 08:50

Well a relative of mine did vision to learn courses in business admin to get an office job when the shift work got to much for her.

Which is probably what you sort of do now but if your used to 12hr shifts 8hrs in an office is a holiday.

SudokuMania · 19/11/2021 08:51

If you can afford to be a SAHM you can afford a cleaner, window cleaner etc. Try going down that route first. Maybe do that while you're looking for a part-time position.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/11/2021 08:51

It is really tough op. I went back part-time after my dc and those 3 days I enjoyed as I like my job but the commute both ways after nursery drop off and the constant rush to be somewhere on time was stressful. I was quite jealous of my exdh who could just decide he was going to stay a bit late at work (turns out he was staying for other reasons but that's another post).

My dc are older now and at secondary school and it does get easier as they become more independent. I don't like wfh all the time which I currently am, but it is nice to already be home when I finish work and not have to commute and worry about getting stuck in traffic.

What was the flexible working you applied for? Was it to go p/t or to wfh or both?

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/11/2021 08:51

There’s free level 3 qualifications for adults with no level 3 now.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/11/2021 08:52

But yes, When I was still married and we had both incomes, we had a cleaner. Just once every 2 weeks for a thorough clean but it did help with the stress a bit.

Original poster

Cornhill · 19/11/2021 08:56

Level 3 is the equivalent to A levels? I have a degree.

I don’t want someone to clean my windows, though: that isn’t what this is about at all.

OP posts:

puddleduck234 · 19/11/2021 08:58

@Cornhill

I just miss the things we used to do, we got out and about, baby classes and walks in the park and picnics by the river (obviously in summer, not now - be a bit chilly!)

Being a SAHM can work really well for some family's. Why not talk to your DH about this.

Being a working mum is stressful. I went back full time when my baby was 7 months. I was very stressed out, our family time was spent being tired, catching up on housework etc. And we didn't have time for each other. We discussed how being a SAHM would work (I thought DH would hate the idea), and I now take care of the house in a traditional sense. It works very well for us, we have more time together for a family, no we don't have fancy cars etc. But time is more valuable than that.

Me staying at home has also allowed DH (who loves his career) to study further and get promoted a lot quicker. We both work hard and it's our money not "his" money. We pay into a private pension for me.

Some women couldn't think of anything worse, and that's fine everyone is different. But if your not career minded (I wasn't) why not try it.

Kotatsu · 19/11/2021 08:59

I agree.. I've been working 20 years, had the kids for 10, and it just feels so relentless. But then I look at the savings/retirement pot, and I have to keep going a bit longer.

And I thank my stubborn soul that I didn't give up work, as hard as it was, when ex-dp started earning more (by doing less and less for the kids funnily enough), so when I discovered the depths of his treachery I could just tell him it was over and not have to worry about keeping a roof over my and the children's heads.

FindingMeno · 19/11/2021 08:59

If your marriage is solid, you can afford it, and dp is OK with it, there's absolutely nothing wrong in making that choice.

WombatChocolate · 19/11/2021 09:00

In life, we have to do what we can afford.

If you can afford not to work or to step down to a less full-on job or less hours, then go for it. If you can’t you need to keep working, or as a household adjust who is working to enable the 2 of you to bring in what’s needed.

On one level, it’s as simple as that. Lots of people would like to work less or not at all, due to children or all kinds of other reasons. But they couldn’t afford to live, so they keep going to work. If you hate it, certainly look into alternative options. It usually is the case, that given a bit of research, and time and oerhaos train8ng, you can find something that’s more bearable, but it usually isn’t instant.

Unfortunately life is full of things we don’t really want to do. And we do t have any entitlement to the life we would prefer. That’s the bottom line - might sound harsh, but people the world over do stuff every day they’d prefer not to.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/11/2021 09:00

If you’re not happy in the here and now then what’s the point of sticking with it “just in case”. There will be other jobs later on if you decide to return to work. … You only get one life, live it in the way that works for you and your family.

I couldn’t agree more, Meruem.

I hope it works out for you, Cornhill.

SpinsForGin · 19/11/2021 09:04

@Cornhill

Like what? I’m not being snarky - I’m genuinely interested!

If you have a degree you might be entitled to use your university careers service. Many offer careers advice for life. A career guidance interview might help you make some decisions and see if there is anything you might be interested in training for.

I run an MA programme and get so many women career changers studying with me.

What is your current job?

Sowhatifiam · 19/11/2021 09:05

You could perhaps look at re-training and/or having a look at some careers websites and seeing what transferable skills you have to get into a job with more family-friendly working?

I am afraid, however, that life with young children is tough and it may be that more than anything else that is the issue. Part-time is ideal for many. There is nothing to stop you sending speculative CVs to organisations you think you would like to work for with a covering letter that states you are looking for part-time, job share etc. You never know what that might unearth.

Denisthepenis · 19/11/2021 09:05

I don't see why this might be deserving of hate, OP. After having children, I thought work was a complete irrelevance. I had no interest in it whatsoever, and no desire to return. I loved being at home with the children, and loved having my entire life based around doing things with them. I had a good group of friends with children the same age (mostly SAHMs), and we had an absolute ball. It was a bit tricky when I got divorced after 15 years as a SAHM, but I have managed.

FabricedeSauveterre · 19/11/2021 09:07

Can you appeal the flexible working refusal? Was it turned down for genuine business needs as per below screenshot? Looks like you only have three months to appeal.
www.acas.org.uk/making-a-flexible-working-request/if-you-want-to-appeal-the-decision

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