In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

It isn’t really a career change I want, though. I am not posting saying ‘I hate teaching. What else could I do?’

My dislike is working full time.

I mean, in theory I could retrain in something more flexible but I don’t know what and from a time point of view that’s going to be difficult as well.

Mostly things that aren’t his fault to be fair, @AssassinatedBeauty

He just has a better job he gets to work from home so no commute, much more flexible in terms of what needs doing when. Whereas my life is completely manic and full on between half eight and three. Then I have a commute on either side as well. Plus work outside of school of course.

That’s what happens to a lot of women who want to work PT to fit around school hours, they discover their current job doesn’t support that so they have to find something else.

Your current school can’t be the only school in the area, what are the options for PT work at other schools?

Also - if DH works from home could you relocate to be nearer your work, wherever that turns out to be.

Not unreasonable-I hate working and would much rather be doing own thing. Teaching is a horrible place to be at the moment. We need two wages at the moment though so sadly I’m stuck.

Are there no other teachers who want to be part time who you could job share with? I don't know if you are in a primary or secondary but in the primary I volunteer in there are job sharer teachers, also part time teachers either 2 days, 2 1/2 days or 3 days who cover PPA time. It is a large school and incredibly flexible when it comes to staffing.

Oh no what a shame you can’t go part time!! Sounds like a good solution. I know loads of PT teachers and classes with 2 teachers, my friend works 1 day a week as a teacher.

I think if you can afford it and are all happy with the situation then do it. I was a SAHM for 6 months while we were v short term expats. It wasn't for me but it was always going to be short term. There are big benefits if your DH works long hours, no one has to worry about drop offs/pick ups you just take every day as it comes.

However when DH lost his high paying job right at the start of covid I am very glad I have the training and experience behind me to go out and get a job that day. We got no benefits/no furlough so my wage kept us going for 6 months until he got a new job. I also like the fact that if something was to happen to him or he was to leave then the kids and I would be fine. (I don't for any reason suspect that would happen so I'm not thinking from the negative viewpoint but it is nice to know). I have the best of both worlds right now, I do 2 nightshifts a week and get to spend every single day with the kids, do every single school pick up and drop off and don't have to miss anything. I have also joined a higher paying agency so if we ever need cash quickly I can do a couple shifts and get the money that week.

I think you could try looking outside the box from regular contracted employment. Its not benefiting you at the moment (the unflexibility) and to be honest i can't imagine it getting much easier. My friends DH is a teacher and he can't get to a single school drop off or pick up or be there if the kids are sick. If you go supply you can get insurance incase you are off longer term or you can get better life cover which would cover you rather than the 'benefits' offered by your employer. Pension is one to look in to. My agency pays pension. Also I have a friend - who is not a qualified teacher- who teaches children in USA in a private school over the Internet everyday from his house in Scotland. There are so many options if you do want some more flexible work.

My work isn’t far, but in peak traffic everywhere is far if you see what I mean. It’s about fifteen minutes but fifteen minutes of stop start and traffic lights and ring roads is a pain. More so than fifteen minutes of motorway.

Me and my husband both feel like this and we don't have any kids. Sadly someone has to pay the mortgage!

I think it's quite normal to feel like that when you have a baby - there's suddenly a lot more to do, and you want to spend time with your baby. I think in mat leave you get a taste of how nice it is being off in the week when it's quieter everywhere and just having time to relax.

As pp say, that's just life really and I know so many friends with / without children who would also love to work pt but can't!

It's important to enjoy work regardless of family status. I didn't become a mother til I was 35 so I did have a job I loved by then and knew I could go pt if I wanted to - which I did. I worked 3 days a week which felt perfect. One baby was easy (for me) but by the time I had two toddlers, my days 'off' were a lot less relaxed and I probably enjoyed work more! I still felt v tired and we didn't have much money but that's inevitable with 2 young kids close together.

You can only look at your own situation and work out if there's anything you can change. You are not at all unreasonable to wish you could stop working or at least not work as many hours. I hope you can find a way to achieve this.

then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

It sounds like there's not much enjoyment out of your work life either.

Do you think you could change that? Do more with your spare time (I know its not a lot) or do you think it's a state of mind thing?...Where you're not really capable of enjoying anything at the moment?

I feel exactly the same OP, and my kids are 4 and 9 so not exactly babies any more! I feel completely strung out most of the time, constantly having to split my time between wok and the kids, everything is always a rush. I've strangely found it harder as the kids get older, having to keep up with after school activities, homework, birthday parties, playdates. At least when they were babies they just went to nursery until I got back to pick them up!

I actually do like my job, I just feel like I don't have the time or headspace to do it properly and find that frustrating and demoralising.

@Cornhill sorry you’ve had some crazy replies to a perfectly reasonable post. I think many people feel the same about as you about ft work, even without having a baby.

@Cornhill

I teach. It’s not that o can’t go part time, but my school have said no, and it’s quite rare for part time roles to be advertised. It may be they will reconsider it in the future and I hope so but either way I am stuck with it for the next eight months at least.

Trying to compare Dhs job to mine is apples and oranges, it really is. We have vastly different roles. Dh isn’t enjoying his as much as he did, but that’s related to the pandemic rather than having DS.

Oh your a teacher! I COMPLETELY understand. It's relentless. The only way I survive it is by being part time. It seems an easier system where I am. You apply and more than likely to get it. I was full time and did exactly that. I only work 3 days. I could not teach full time! Its the right balance. What was their reason for saying no?

How many of the women who would like to give up work because they always feel rushed and stressed have partners who do their fair share of housework, lifework and childcare?

YANBU at all. I requested part time when I went back after maternity leave and I would have resigned if they had refused my request. I went back 12 hours a week and now my child is five, I do 14 a week.

I still hate working and would rather be a SAHM. There’s always so much to do and my life is far hectic now than was when I worked full time. I have so much less free time now.

I think you would feel better about working if you could reduce your hours and you are currently unable unless you completely change careers. This is obviously only a choice than you can make.

Good luck. It’s normal to want to be with your children full time. Also, being completely controversial here, it is STILL the norm for the mother to do the larger share of the childcare and there is no reason to suspect your DH will want to become a SAHD.

I can’t answer for everyone else but for me that is secondary to everything else. When I am at work, I am not longing to be elsewhere because of the laundry, the hoovering or the dusting. I want to be with my son.

You’ve said that there isn’t a solution necessarily but actually you’ve been given some pretty decent options on here to explore.

The outsourcing of cleaning, laundry etc is so that all the spare time you do have is ensuring you are spending that with your son.

Appreciate that sometimes you do just need a good moan, but Mumsnet is rarely the place for that.

Being a sahm is a full time job

Do what you need to do

Which options do you think I should explore?

This can be a real problem on MN. People come up with something they think is a solution. When actually, it isn’t. Like being a TA - how would doing the same hours for half the pay help? Or ‘look for part time hours’ - well yes, but I said in my OP, there are few enough part time English teaching posts advertised. There are currently 42 jobs advertised within 30 miles of where I live. None of those are part time! And if one did come up, I would need to be successful in my application, which isn’t a given - lots of interest in these roles.

So unless I’ve missed something it is one of those where I either leave (which I won’t for reasons outlined) or put up with it!

Is supply teaching on set days combined with some tutoring a possibility?

Like being a TA - how would doing the same hours for half the pay help?

That was one of my several suggestions I think! I suggested that because some people I know have done this. They were extremely stressed as teachers, due to the additional work outside of school hours. They experience significantly less of this as TAs.

Sorry it offended you! It has worked for people I know irl, so wasn't just something "I think is a good suggestion". It is based on people who have actually made that move themselves and have found it a lot less stressful.

It's fine not to want a solution. Now that we know that's the case...what would you like to tell us all? You don't like working ft? OK

Yanbu. My dh would not like to work pt or be a sahd (I did suggest it). He said only if we could live in a style befitting a French monarch . But of course it isn't unreasonable to want to work pt or not at all! I think many people feel like that.

Sorry you are unhappy

YANBU to feel that way. After DS1 I went into a new job 3 days per week, away from home. Was hard and missed my baby but I knew it would be a temporary situation (work relocated closer to home after 6months, DH requested flexible working to do the wrap around care when I was away ). I'd taken the job because the one I'd been in when pregnant was shift work and wouldn't flex alongside my DH's shift post mat leave to enable us to work around child care.
After DS2 I went back 3 days per week, hated the job, was definitely discriminated against for being part time and having a young family (and this was public sector role). Was also only earning £50 per month after childcare and commute, and after 6 months started to talk about becoming a SAHM as I was so miserable. Really glad I persevered a few more months as a technical role came up that was completely different to my usual line of work, it wasn't for me but gave me the breathing space and confidence I needed so when a promotion came up I was successful.
Haven't looked back since.
Am just over a year in after returning from mat leave with DS3, sadly they wouldn't let me go less than 4 days but fortunately I've been able to WFH 2 days per week (and I really enjoy my job) so make my home working day shorter so I can spend more time with my littlest.

For me the solution was finding a role that let me work part time, even if that meant going outside my usual line of work. I enjoy my work, little man enjoys childcare as he gets to play with lots of friends (round here play groups haven't fully reopened and he spent much of his life 6-14 months stuck at home due to covid) so we both get the best of both worlds. Oh and we employ a cleaner, I will give up the kid's karate/dance/music lessons before I give her up, she has improved my quality of life no end.

Keep looking for PT opportunities, talk to your DH about taking a career break, you may feel happy to return to teaching when your child is older and with your experience you'll easily get back into the workplace if you want to. Good luck.

Can you apply for wfh jobs instead of waiting for a pt role to happen? My wfh job means I can get so much housework done in my lunch hours like washing or cleaning that means I have a better time at the weekends with almost nothing to do outside of have a nice time.
YANBU.