In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

Hi OP, I think if it's your clear goal then you could probably convince your school to let you reduce your hours from September. Have a think about what a solution would look like and look for a job share partner perhaps? Find out what other part timers do re tutor time, meetings, etc. Quietly canvass other staff. If there's anyone else in your dept who'd like to reduce hours then it could make enough work to recuit a full timer (listen to the grapevine - maybe there is an SLT role they could do in addition). My school is pro part time (to be fair they have to be as they're small so not all subjects have enough hours for more than one full timer and in fact I'm one of two part time HODS for sixth form subjects who are part time). Bur this helps recruitment and retention as part time staff are mega loyal and normally put in more time overall relatively because of all the stuff that can't be adjusted (I can't exactly do 0.6 of a parents' evening. I found part time work quite easily but I had to be patient and it took a couple of job moves to get the right work life balance.

Also, make friends with whoever does the timetabling.

You can get that flexibility you need. Don't give up at the first knock back.

I should maybe add that I've never had less than a 45 min commute by car (currently 1 hour 15 mins by public transport) as you have to cast the net wide to find a decent school.

Men can complain about this when they do their fair share of parenting and housework. I don't know ANY couples where the man and woman both work and split everything else equally, the woman always ends up doing more.

Men can complain about this when they do their fair share of parenting and housework. I don't know ANY couples where the man and woman both work and split everything else equally, the woman always ends up doing more.

And yet we talk of ladies that lunch, not gentleman.

Plenty of women don’t seem to be in a hurry (understatement) to rush back to full time work after having kids. Or ever for that matter. And when the man doesn’t want to work the wife gets pissy about it 99% of the time, going by previous threads and the fact that men who earn less are 30% more likely to be divorced as are SAHD.

Feminist always shout their loudest about this but they’re a tiny proportion of women. Like less than 10% going by the surveys.

@EightWheelGirl

Feminist always shout their loudest about this but they’re a tiny proportion of women. Like less than 10% going by the surveys.

So the majority of women are opposed to rights for women on the basis of equality of the sexes?

They're anti social, political and economic equality? They're opposed to women's right to education, to work, to vote?

My experience was back to work after 10 days first dc and then three years with second child. I had reached the point of massive boredorm by then.
The best solution I found was a three day job. I did this by the consultancy route. I had lots of lean years but also some well paid projects. My children.
are now 18/22, one has moved out so I can work away which was not possible as I had elderly parents too.
A job share or supply teaching might be the answer.

@Cornhill

You’re absolutely right *@DrSbaitso* but the thing is, while I don’t have a perfect marriage, I also don’t have a bad one, if that makes sense. There are things I’d change but not many relating to childcare and housework. Mainly, the problem is just time - there isn’t enough of it. Repeatedly saying that Dh needs to do more is missing the point that I don’t necessarily want him to - I want to be with DS more.

I'm not suggesting your marriage is "bad". But if your husband did more, you would have more time to spend with your son, and more headspace to enjoy it.

And if you think it's financially possible to become a SAHM and it's what you want, you should be able to TALK to your husband and have him LISTEN to you. Even if it turns out not to be an option for whatever reason, because it does need to be a mutual decision, I think you'd feel better about it all if you at least had a husband who appreciates how hard you're finding it and LISTENS to you. You surely must have wanted to communicate something to him when you tried to talk to him and he ignored it.

Men can complain about this when they do their fair share of parenting and housework. I don't know ANY couples where the man and woman both work and split everything else equally, the woman always ends up doing more.

While this is true does it make it right? Shouldn't we be challenging this because this set up is harming women. It's impacting our heath and our finances - the fact that women take on more unpaid work results in women having to choose ( and i use that word lightly because there often isn't a choice) to work part time or in lower paid, lower skilled roles which offer flexibility.

And yet we talk of ladies that lunch, not gentleman
This is outdated language and just because people use this term it doesn't make it right.

Plenty of women don’t seem to be in a hurry (understatement) to rush back to full time work after having kids. Or ever for that matter.

Why do you think this is?

And when the man doesn’t want to work the wife gets pissy about it 99% of the time, going by previous threads and the fact that men who earn less are 30% more likely to be divorced as are SAHD.

Do you have any evidence for these claims?

But I wouldn’t, @DrSbaitso, and that’s what you seem unwilling to concede. I am in work between eight o clock and four o clock five days a week, so half seven to half four when a commute is taken into account. Given ds is in bed at 8, there is realistically no amount of cleaners, laundry sorters or babysitters who can solve that.

I didn't work for 4 years while DH did, now I work for him in a low hours role just to keep me occupied. I have a baby now so on mat leave but I intend to continue working in a few months because I enjoy it.

Lots of people enjoy their work, but if you don't like work and can avoid it, do everything you can to do that.

@Cornhill

But I wouldn’t, *@DrSbaitso*, and that’s what you seem unwilling to concede. I am in work between eight o clock and four o clock five days a week, so half seven to half four when a commute is taken into account. Given ds is in bed at 8, there is realistically no amount of cleaners, laundry sorters or babysitters who can solve that.

a) I'm not talking about the week alone. There are weekends too but if you're spending that time running around like a headless chicken doing stuff that should be falling to your husband, you're losing that as well. From son time to general family time.

b) It doesn't necessarily have to be this way anyway. Perhaps you could be a SAHM but nobody knows because you can't talk to your husband.

c) It is amazing how much easier it is to endure shit situations, even if they are unchangeable, if you feel appreciated and heard.

Whether I am a SAHM or not is ultimately a decision we make together but I haven’t actually said at any point that I want this.

Two days out f seven aren’t enough. I get that you are extremely fixed in this opinion that I have an abusive and unhappy marriage and can’t talk to my husband about it and when I keep having to state this isn’t the case it gets incredibly tiresome.

But then you just take this as anger at my life or something. I really am not finding you helpful at all.

@Cornhill

Whether I am a SAHM or not is ultimately a decision we make together but I haven’t actually said at any point that I want this.

Two days out f seven aren’t enough. I get that you are extremely fixed in this opinion that I have an abusive and unhappy marriage and can’t talk to my husband about it and when I keep having to state this isn’t the case it gets incredibly tiresome.

But then you just take this as anger at my life or something. I really am not finding you helpful at all.

Well, you didn't start this thread because you're delighted with your life right now, did you?

The only thing you seem to be finding helpful is sniping at posters and complaining about their reading comprehension, while pulling some amazing clangers out of the air yourself. The stuff about him being abusive etc has all come from you. I've noted that you've said you can't talk to him about your lack of time with your son and feelings of being unappreciated (NOT this "abuse" that only you keep mentioning) and yes, I do think that's an issue.

I get that you can't magic up more hours in the week to spend with your son and that's nobody's fault. And maybe there is no solution that will get you the time with your son that you wish you had. That's a shame.

But I maintain that it would make a difference to feel that this was an issue the two of you could work through together as a team, because you could talk to him about it and he'd listen.

And that's really miles off from saying that your husband is abusive and you're a cowed and broken husk or whatever else you're making up to try to deflect from what people are saying. No, really, it is.

If there truly is absolutely no possible change you or your husband could make to make you happier, and it therefore doesn't matter in the least that he doesn't listen to you or pull his weight, well...I'm sorry about that. I hope you have SOMEONE to talk to about it.

The thread would have died days ago. I’m simply refuting your claims as to be honest I don’t know what your motivations are.

My life is happy. It’s far too busy but it’s happier than it’s been in a long time. I am not young and I had to wait many years for DS.

What are your motivations? To prove I’m a miserable, abused wife?

@Cornhill

The thread would have died days ago. I’m simply refuting your claims as to be honest I don’t know what your motivations are.

My life is happy. It’s far too busy but it’s happier than it’s been in a long time. I am not young and I had to wait many years for DS.

What are your motivations? To prove I’m a miserable, abused wife?

Maybe you should just delete this thread since you got what you wanted - people commiserating

It looks like you were just expressing a passing feeling and don't actually want anything to change. The internet isn't the best place for things like that

@Cornhill

The thread would have died days ago. I’m simply refuting your claims as to be honest I don’t know what your motivations are.

My life is happy. It’s far too busy but it’s happier than it’s been in a long time. I am not young and I had to wait many years for DS.

What are your motivations? To prove I’m a miserable, abused wife?

Yes. I spend all my free time on Mumsnet trying to convince women that they are miserable and abused. That's the reason I wanted to go part time and work from home! And now I can fulfil my evil dream! Mwa ha ha ha!!!!

I'm glad to hear your life is happy, because earlier in the thread you were saying working five days with a young baby was "killing" you and you felt unappreciated by your husband. If that's not in fact the case, I'm thrilled. Truly.

Maybe there really are no possible changes that could be made, between you and your husband, that would ease your load. I just know that the point of a life partner is to work out problems together as a team, which is hard if they don't listen when you try to talk to them about problems.

But ultimately this isn't actually my problem. If it helps you to think that I'm an evil cow who wants to convince you that you're abused and cowed, go for it. If there's nothing anyone else can do to help you, then it's the least I can do.

Nice try @TractorAndHeadphones but a) you can’t delete your own threads and I’m not going to go with ‘I have privacy concerns’ bollox and b) I don’t honestly care particularly but it is a bit daft when you stop and think about it

@DrSbaitso obviously that’s not why you’re posting, but I have to admit I am a bit stumped as to what the motivation is. I mean, the thread is what, 16 pages, I’ve explained over and over that I don’t feel Dh is particularly neglectful or lazy or unkind, but it does feel like you’ve had a real problem accepting that, going as far as to invent things I’ve supposedly said. And I appreciate that was an error but just the same, it does smack or someone wanting to win an argument rather than be supportive. And that in turn is daft as there is no argument. My life is simply too busy, and even if someone wanted to argue with that, the fact is that it is my life and not theirs!

@Cornhill

No. I don’t mind the day to day teaching but I hate the lack of flexibility. Supply would be pointless because nursery costs wouldn’t be covered - I’d be paying to work.

You are definitely not unreasonable to want to sack in work. If it’s affordable for your family, why not? You can always return when baby is older.

If you wanted to keep some income- could DH negotiate condensed hours, 4 days out of 5? Or are his employers flexible enough to allow him to provide childcare during the day, as long as the work gets done? You could have 1-2 supply days- if you are good and get on well with the schools you could command a higher rate of pay.

If part time teaching may be doable- it is worth contacting a few recruitment agencies with your cv and just saying ‘I want part time, nothing else’ and seeing what they come up with. You may find an intervention teacher role this way which will be less stress.

If you are an English teacher, I would look into freelance writing. Takes a while to build a portfolio but you could have a solid income stream.

Otherwise, sounds insane and curveball- but learn how to code and get a job as a software engineer. You could be in a new career in 12 months. Great pay, and sheer flexibility. A friend does it as a SAHM- his employers are completely fine with looking after his kids as long as he meets deadlines, he does a lot of evening work and picks up bits when they nap.

It is kind of you to reply but supply isn’t an option for me.

One of the main reasons I am continuing to teach is because of the pension and death in service benefits and I would lose those if I opted to do supply.

going as far as to invent things I’ve supposedly said.

I made one error, which I acknowledged and for which I apologised. Everything else in that substantial post, including the other inconsistencies, stands and you've ignored most of it.

My motivations for responding to a thread about your life matter much less than your reasons for wanting to start one. It is, in fact, about you.

However, I suppose that given there have been inconsistencies (and again, I apologise for the one error I made in noting those), defensiveness when anyone touches on the obvious subjects, sniping and quite a few inventions of your own, I suppose some of us are just a bit frustrated. Because we think there are potentially solvable issues here but every mention of them becomes an accusation against us.

I guess this would be a bad time to ask what's meant by "particularly" neglectful, lazy or unkind, so I won't. If you just want commiserations, as a PP said, I offer you those.

There are no inconsistencies, @DrSbaitso, just a really weird obsession here and tbh I’m finding it a little creepy

I haven't mentioned this before because I really haven't been trying to pick at you, but your posts are actually inconsistent. Earlier, while sniping at someone else, you said you had the option to work part time or SAH (implication being that this was in terms of finances).

I have never said this. I have been absolutely clear that I asked my work for part time, and they refused, with a possibility to reconsider next year.

I have stated, again clearly, that I don’t think being a SAHM would work, because of the WFH issue and because of pension and DIS considerations. There is nothing inconsistent there.

Later, you said that your husband couldn't cover the bills by himself.

Wrong, as you concede.

I
in an earlier post you said you hadn't spoken to your husband about it, now you say you have and he doesn't listen.

Wrong.

I said I haven’t spoken to my husband about being a sahm, because I don’t want to be a sahm.

I have spoken to him about taking on a bit more in terms of household stuff, and he doesn’t listen. As I have said, I do not have a perfect marriage, and a row is actually brewing right now because of him not listening to me over something pretty damn important, but there is a huge grey space between abusive bastard / miserable wife and occasionally a bit frustrated wife and gormless twit.

Earlier, you said you feel unappreciated and your husband doesn't know all of what you do.

I said I feel I wish sometimes he would recognise how much I do, yes,

Now he's absolutely great except for a laundry non issue and actually you want to do all that extra stuff.

Find me where I said ‘he’s absolutely great.’

The thing is, @DrSbaitso, to be really, really blunt here, you are so determined to be right, you keep making shit up. I then get annoyed, and you use that as ‘proof’that I am this miserable woman in an unhappy relationship.

My relationship is not the issue. It is not perfect but I am more than capable of speaking up when it isn’t.

My post was about my child, and you have taken that, and tbh, ruined it.

Please, don’t respond. I am asking you nicely to stop bumping the thread up and to leave me alone.

The majority of men could do more to lessen the workload of their wives. Not all, but the majority. Unless the patriarchy died while I was off folding laundry.

As a general point I don’t disagree, but the laundry and the housework isn’t what I’m about here.

Sorry OP, but there are several inconsistencies, which I outlined, ranging from whether or not you had spoken to him to whether or not he was pulling his weight at home. And they just get more and more polarised the more you go on. And attempts to silence me from saying so through insults don't really make any difference to that. It's just yet more deflection.

There are no inconsistencies. I have answered your post in detail to point this out.