In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

I’m a sahm. I was very career oriented, enjoyed my work and became a sahm mum due to circumstances (we moved, husband started business and started working 90 hour weeks, couldn’t find childcare or work). At first I really hated it and was depressed. My identity was tied up in my job and my education etc.
I am still home 10 years and 2 kids later, and I now deeply appreciate how fortunate I am. We can afford it, it is so helpful to the entire family to have me doing this, I have a lot of time to support the kids who need me so much in different ways now they’re getting older, one has ADHD, one has health issues and one is a baby.
On the logical and practical side: my marriage is solid because we have time for each other, we aren’t stressed and so exhausted, and I can take the mental load without resentment because it is my “job”. We also pay into my pension (generously), I have assets in my name, we have a joint account, I run the household budget, etc. Yes it would be hard for me to get back into work, but I am doing a part time degree to retrain, and we also have life insurance. I also have a lot of hobbies which make me happy and are something other than the kids that are “mine”. I’ve been a SAHM with no money, and am now one with more money, and it was helpful for everyone in both cases.
Anecdotally, I see my working Mum friends doing what I do (mental load, responsibility for all kids practically speaking, running the household, etc) but then on top of that working and building demanding careers. They are stressed and miserable. They have crummy husbands obviously but it’s so hard.
The time I have with my kids is precious. And it goes quickly. So quickly. The 9 and 11 year old still need me, but they already don’t want to be with me so much, I savour every moment and am grateful, every park walk, every baby class, everything, it is so precious and goes so quickly. I am lonely but that’s more a result of being in this unusually fortunate position.
I wish you luck, I understand your feelings completely, and I hope you find the right way forward.

@SquarePeggyLeggy We also pay into my pension (generously) well if you’re paying in more than £3600 you’re doing so with tax fraud

@Musttryharder2021
True that the upper classes have the privilege of being able to live off one working person’s income, or without working at all!

[quote Dindundundundeeer]**@SquarePeggyLeggy* We also pay into my pension (generously)* well if you’re paying in more than £3600 you’re doing so with tax fraud [/quote]
I strongly suspect they’re putting some of the husband’s earnings through the wife’s tax code, so can legitimately pay more into a pension.

I don't even have children and I don't want to work, I only do it because I have to.
I'd much rather be doing nothing.

I see my working Mum friends doing what I do (mental load, responsibility for all kids practically speaking, running the household, etc) but then on top of that working and building demanding careers. They are stressed and miserable. They have crummy husbands obviously but it’s so hard

Gosh, that’s unusual, all your working mum friends are stressed and miserable with crummy husbands? And you stay home and have a great one? Wow.

All my working mum friends are happy and successful. A couple with shit marriages, one working one not. No set rule.

So weird that you are so much more fortunate than your stressed miserable working mum friends with their crummy husbands.

I'm aware that I could get shot down in flames for this, but have you been assessed for post-natal depression?

Your issues are enough in themselves to cause a lot of pressure for you, but some of your posts are indicating that you may be hyper reactive to things too - and that can be indicative of a depressive state.

Without trying to project, I know from my own experience and other friends, that some people lose the ability to process emotions in any other way than some level of anger or irritability. I ended up going to see someone about it, and it turned out to be depression, although once it was recognised, I did counselling instead of medication (But it wasn't PND, it was something else). My sister registered as having PND and was on meds for a short while - it helped.

I can't see that it's been asked on here so I'm offering it up as something to potentially look into - if you don't want to, that's fine, but it might be worth just checking if you can.

No tax fraud! Would never do that. Voluntary contributions, am not in the uk, it’s allowed to a certain limit per year.

@SquarePeggyLeggy Ah not in the U.K. is different. However so is comparing being a stay at home mum and other aspects of the ops situation. The U.K. rules on divorce, support, benefits, are all different.

@Cornhill

Read the entire thread and I feel your pain, I'm a full time English teacher too with a small child similar in age to yours. The mental load of teaching has never been higher in my opinion (been teaching 14 years) and so I spend most of my times feeling guilt for not being a better mum and having to work (I've had a LOT of comments about this from 'well meaning' colleagues and friends) or feeling guilty for not doing my job as well as I did previously as I'm knackered.

We need the money so I have to keep working but Christ it's a relentless grind! No solutions just solidarity

Don’t if this is of any use but my mum was a head teacher until she had kids. She took some time out to do early learning with us, taught part time for OU, did a PhD (already had an MA) then became an academic. She found research and lecturing less frenetic than school teaching.

Im an academic and it's hands down the most stressful job I've ever had. I love it but it is so full on and there is a huge amount of pressure around research which makes it very challenging when you have a young family.

@Sixtycats

YANBU. If you can survive on one income, do it. Your kids will forget extra luxuries but they won't forget time at home with you when you're relaxed and happy.

Because of course women just work for luxuries 🙄

I think it's very understandable you feel this way OP, you do sound burnt out. Can you talk to your DH about how you're feeling and whether it's financially possible for you to take a year out of work? It's possible that he may be supportive of you taking on more at home and him being the main breadwinner whilst your DC is so young. I know plenty of couples without children that have this type of setup as one person is more career orientated than the other and it works well for them.

Personally I realised in my 20s that I'm never going to be a high flying career woman despite being well educated. I've worked part time for the past 10 years and enjoy life much more now than when I was fighting to try to find a career just because that's what was expected of me and the done thing. I don't have fancy cars and holidays, but those things never especially appealed to me anyway. I don't pay into a pension, but look at other ways to prepare for retirement. One example is, investing small amounts in the stock market (which isn't as high risk as you may think if you research carefully and take a cautious approach). I get a much better return doing this than I would using a private pension.

Gosh your not being unreasonable and why do you feel so guilty about dh being the sole earner while you take care of little one? I’m now working in a job I really enjoy on a flexible working contract while little ones go to nursery and childminder but I left my job after maternity leave a few years ago and definitely best thing. Dh was maybe a little worried whether we could afford it and long term implications for me and career but he was supportive and would probably say he actually found it really positive, so much so that probably more apprehensive when after a few years I decided to go back to work, but of course was still supportive. Financially we did have to make changes when I gave up work but you just adapt and become more imaginative with managing household budget. Actually we’re now much better off financially than we would of been as dh is now in job we wouldn’t of considered if I’d been in my old job as it just wouldn’t have worked childcare wise. Plus there were issues that came up with the older children which I wouldn’t have been able to fully support them through if I’d been working. Now I’m back at work we’ve adapted again and it’s been fine but that’s because it’s the right job for me at the right time for our family. I’d always try to support him in whatever career choices he wanted to make and he’s the same with me and that’s actually worked out quite well for us and the children.

You're a teacher. Wanting to quit whether or not you are a parent is perfectly reasonable because it is hell in schools at the moment. I used to be a governor of an inner city school in south London and have recently became a governor of a small rural school. I thought I understood how difficult schools could be, but fuck me since the pandemic it is 1000% worse for teachers (and I'm a GP so I know what a difficult working environment is like!).

I also think that if we allowed more flexibility for,teachers to work part time we wouldn't have such a problem retaining them.

However, I guess the question is, do you want to continue teaching? It doesn't matter what the trigger is, something inside you has changed your feelings about your job and ultimately life is too short to waste on a job we hate.

If you do want to get out and find so,etching part time, then have a look at the NHS - I actually know a lot of managers in the NHS who have an education background and part time/flexible jobs are common, as is working from home these days. caveat for the NHS managers bashers - that doesn't mean it is not a stressful job, but just better working environment than a school sometimes

I feel for you, I had kids very late and well established in a well paid career and went pt. I also retired very early, first possible chance. Love not working, thought I'd miss it when kids grew up, not a chance. Wish you lots of luck cutting back on work somehow. X

I was in exactly the same position when I returned after my son. I ended up leaving after a year. At that time child care was taking up all my wages anyway. I took my son out of nursery and had 5 months before he was eligible for the 15 hours so we just went to baby groups and parks and family visits. I loved it. When he was eligible I put him into pre school 3.mornings a week so we still had lots of time together. He has just started in reception now and I have found a new job. To be honest it's low level, big drop in salary, a bit boring, but nice people and school hours term time only. I have no regrets, and am so much happier than I was.

If your family can afford to live without you working that's fine provided your husband is OK with it. It's normal in some cultures and countries to be a SAHM, it's your business, don't feel pressured to work whilst you have young children if you don't have to.

I agree 100% with @Meruem

YANBU. But. Does anyone actually really want want to work?

IMO you're very lucky if you are doing a job that interests you and you love, and are pleased to get up every morning and be away from your children for.

I work because I want independence, and we need the extra income. Not because I love it. I would much rather be a lady what lunches, be with my kids more, but I just suck it up and get on with it, because that's life isn't it.

@GoodnightGrandma

I was a SAHM and I was quite lonely and bored. I went back to work to escape it. If you are going to do it you need to look at the financial implications for you, and look at DH paying into a private pension for you. Do you know if you’ve worked enough to be entitled to a full old age pension ?

www.which.co.uk/money/pensions-and-retirement/state-pension/your-state-pension-and-benefits/how-do-i-qualify-for-state-pension-a74hl7u86kpr

@BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101

YANBU. But. Does anyone actually really want want to work?

IMO you're very lucky if you are doing a job that interests you and you love, and are pleased to get up every morning and be away from your children for.

I work because I want independence, and we need the extra income. Not because I love it. I would much rather be a lady what lunches, be with my kids more, but I just suck it up and get on with it, because that's life isn't it.

I think lots of people do. Even if they don't love their jobs, they still like to be busy, have purpose, feel useful etc

I am not one of those people and would quite happily never work again if I could sustain a good lifestyle without needing the income.

There are (I believe) millions of people who’d prefer not to work, especially at the point in your life you’re at. It sounds more like it’s currently the wrong job for you.

Feel for you op. I did FT last year there was zero downtime for anything else. So hard to get part T.

I don't like working, never have. But I do because it is not fair to saddle our entire finances on DH (who doesn't much enjoy it either!). It's just one of those things most of us have to do. You will get used to being a working mum, although I hope you can find something part time as this does help in the early years.