In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

wasn't that rare in working class families. All the women in my family have always worked, they couldn't afford not to.

It wasnt common for MC families either.
My eldest is 26 and friends include SW, midwives GP, accountants.
Everyone took mat leave and went back to work.
Some PT, some FT.
There were a couple of SAHM, both had useless DH who didnt support them so they had to give up.

Op people were asking about your DH because it sounds like you are taking on the load of CC drops/ pick ups and housework.
Its seems quite common on here recently that the WFH DHs are staying in bed, rolling out at 8.55 while the woman is up and caring for DC at 6am, racing to get to nursery and work.
Completely unfair.
No one was having a go at you and you have been quite unpleasant and unfair to pp.

Its seems quite common on here recently that the WFH DHs are staying in bed, rolling out at 8.55 while the woman is up and caring for DC at 6am, racing to get to nursery and work.

Yes, this is what I was wondering. OP's been very reticent about what exactly her husband does or doesn't do and hasn't taken kindly to questions about it. She did give a quick "oh I think he does his share but it's hard to say" or words to that effect, but one of her first thoughts was that he doesn't appreciate her or realise how much she does.

So yes, I wonder if she's up at 6.30, getting child ready for nursery and taking him there and driving to work, while husband stays in bed until close to 9 o'clock before he commutes to the next room. And what the housework and mental load distribution is like as well.

It does feel as if there's a degree of deflection going on here. Perhaps it isn't possible for OP to reduce her hours, but if the husband isn't stepping up, that's going to make it worse and breed resentment. But there's no chance of that changing unless they talk about it.

Completely agree. Please ignore the silly people making silly comments.

I'm only 26 with no children but I'm a teacher and I'm so done with full time work. I have a series of mental health problems and it's all too much. I'm going to apply for part time and see what they say.

[quote AntiMaskersAreTwats]@Furzebush Actually yes, I do think it has contributed massively in this instance. They have no time to take them to any activities, no time for meetings with school when anything is wrong, are super stressed all weekend and end up losing their tempers. The children come home from school to an empty house and then game/walk the streets until they get home at 7pm. Dinner is never earlier than 8.30pm. They are too knackered to enforce bedtime.[/quote]
They need a nanny. Surely if they working such long hours and have good income that thought had struck them? I know of busy professional couples working long hours - they don’t have kids walking the streets, they have a nanny. This doesn’t ring true to me.

Yanbu. I struggled through the first 10 years of parenthood working four days a week.

Eventually had to give it up because one of my kids is disabled and needs full time care. So wish I had done it years ago!

We have life insurance, will soon have no mortgage and dh has been able to apply for promotions knowing that all the childcare/sick days are covered.

I am re-training for a very p-t but professional career. My kids come home to a warm house, meal on the cook and a Mum who's had a nice relaxing day and is keen to find out how their's have been.

Everyone leaves me with jobs in the morning, pick up medication, buy PE shorts, make an Egyptian costume, buy some more snacks and that's my job.

I don't feel unappreciated-I do the stuff which is really important to all the family.

Importantly though, dh is not a dick. He is a kind, loyal, honourable person who thinks I am practically perfect (feeling's mutual) which is why it works for us.

If that was the case @DrSbaitso, what would you have me do?

@Cornhill

If that was the case *@DrSbaitso*, what would you have me do?

It's your life, not mine. It's not my place to "have you" do anything.

But if you're asking what I would suggest, then as a very first step I'd suggest talking to your husband about it, letting him know how unhappy and close to burnout you are, and what he could do to help.
And letting his response guide your next step.

Unless you're too frightened to do that, in which case it's a different sort of situation entirely.

Well, exactly. And that’s why I have been trying to steer you away from interrogating me about it - I’m sure that’s not your intention, I really am, but just the same, when someone is repeatedly saying that actually that’s not what the concern is and someone keeps insisting that it is, it just isn’t that helpful.

I’m not remotely frightened. I have talked to DH about this, and I get nowhere, because he doesn’t listen. And like I say, it isn’t what the thread is about. For example, yes, I do pretty much all the nursery drop offs and pickups, but I also want to as I don’t see much of ds as it is and the end of the day when he crawls to me melts my heart, it really does, so while it is extra work on the one hand it’s also work I want to do.

House stuff I’m not really arsed about. I could do with dh doing a bit more laundry, but that’s something and nothing really.

The WFH does fuck me off because you inevitably feel like you’re in the way in your own home but it isn’t going to change any time soon and also I recognise a part of me is jealous, but it can’t be helped, so my feelings on this are unfair and irrational.

I’d actually appreciate it if you could stop darkly hinting at my being some abused, cowed woman

I’d actually appreciate it if you could stop darkly hinting at my being some abused, cowed woman

Firstly, I'm not hinting at anything. I'm speaking openly about what I'm thinking. And I'm thinking that you are doing an unfair load and your husband could do something about this.

Secondly, your attempt to invalidate the question "is the workload fair" into exaggerations and accusations is entirely yours. Why is that? I can only guess.

I haven't mentioned this before because I really haven't been trying to pick at you, but your posts are actually inconsistent. Earlier, while sniping at someone else, you said you had the option to work part time or SAH (implication being that this was in terms of finances). Later, you said that your husband couldn't cover the bills by himself. In an earlier post you said you hadn't spoken to your husband about it, now you say you have and he doesn't listen. Earlier, you said you feel unappreciated and your husband doesn't know all of what you do. Now he's absolutely great except for a laundry non issue and actually you want to do all that extra stuff.

Do you see now why we are asking questions? The picture is unclear. Because when we go on what you tell us - and you actively telling us to lay off the topics that are most likely to be relevant could be significant - you get angry, accuse us of making dark hints and getting it all wrong. But when we ask for more information, you accuse us of "interrogating" you.

At the risk of incurring more of your wrath, the thing I'm now noticing is that your husband doesn't listen to you when you tell him you're unhappy. I know that anything I infer or ask about regarding this will be met with more angry accusations, but supportive and loving partners should care when you're unhappy and listen to you. If there really is nothing he can do to make your life happier and less stressful, then I'm wondering what you were trying to say to him that he didn't want to hear.

So anyway, this is obviously a head-in-wall situation for all of us, in varying ways. I suppose all I can do is hope it gets better for you.

Where did I say my husband couldn’t cover the bills himself? I’m fairly certain I didn’t say that.

Yeah I’ve gone through the thread and I haven’t said that.

I’m not angry at all, but it does get a bit irritating. A bit like when you go to the doctor with a broken toe and they lecture you about drinking too much (I don’t, by the way!)

The thing is OP, people highlighting the disparity in the amount of childcare and household chores undertaken by you and your DH are making a valid point.

While you might be happy taking on more of the unpaid work (childcare, nursery drops off, housework etc) it does make your life more difficult and makes it harder for you to work full time. And that's the point people are making. Life wouldn't feel so difficult if things were more equal.
If your DH isn't willing to take on his share of responsibilities then he needs to be open to a discussion about your working hours.

If they want to talk about it crack in but I’m good with that.

*on

And it’s work who have refused part time, not Dh.

Haven't read the whole thread but YANBU , working full time when you have kids to look after is hard and relentless. It took its toll on my mental health ( which wasn't great to start with tbh). Me and DH spoke about it as it was affecting us as a family, worked out how it would affect us financially and agreed that I should work part time, I now do 2 part time jobs 20 hours a week, one which is cleaning which i really enjoy and much less stress.
Of course we have less disposable income than we did but we are much happier as a family now and I'm around when my dd gets home from school. Is part time something you could consider?

@Cornhill

And it’s work who have refused part time, not Dh.

But you have said your DH won't listen or talk about it.

The fact you take on the bulk of the unpaid work is probably making working full time more challenging.
You might be happy with that side of things and have chosen to blame work but if your DH did more life would be far easier!!

I enjoy a chunck of my job, but I would enjoy it a lot more if I did not have to doit for 40+ hours a week. My work requires a lot of focus and after 3 in the afternoon I am spend and just basically idling and conserving my energy till I get to leave.

I feel resentful that what little daylight we have is mostly spend behind a computer. I am resentful that I have so little energy and focus left over during the week for my hobbies and household chores. I feel resentful that, although I get along well enough with my coworkers, they are not my friends and yet I spend more time with with the people I am contractually obgligated to spend time with than I am with friends and family, who I actually like.

I could love my job, if it didn't take so much from me.

Well, if you are a teacher you could return to work quite easily when your kids go to school?

So could you bring any plans for a second baby forward, take 3 to 5 years off, go back after that? Could you discuss that with DP and see if you can make it work financially?

Given you can’t teach PT (that’s bloody ridiculous, I didn’t know that - quite a lot of my friends do) that seems like a potential solution.

Obviously you don’t want to dump your financial independence long term, so if you want to stop teaching really, then you need to plan in retraining.

My apologies, OP, you didn't say that. I have the phrase stuck in my mind from somewhere, so perhaps I got it from another poster and confused it with your mention that not working might lead to problems in retirement. (I realise it was work that refused you part time so that's not an option in the current job.)

The rest still stands, though. Actually, rereading your posts, I see more mentions of how much easier your husband's life is than yours than I recalled. And he doesn't listen when you try to tell him you're unhappy.

You keep saying this isn't relevant but your life doesn't exist in silos that don't affect each other. If you can't go part time and you don't want to change jobs, the only thing left to look at is the "lifeload" between you and the husband who you think his share but you're not sure and who doesn't listen to you, but absolutely isn't isn't any way part of the problem or any possible alternative.

….. also as part of your discussion about this with PD it sounds like you need to talk about domestic workload. There are 17million threads on here about this, so do some research. What I’d say is there is no point thinking he should just do it - he won’t - so plan a slice up of jobs, tick off chart on the wall, shared domestic calendar - I am serious. Also can you get a cleaner?

If he’s not listening then would just say to him your not happy and it’s too much for you at the moment, that your happy to keep looking for a part time role. You will work it out financially. I can’t see how any family where at least one parent works full time and the other available to look after little ones can not afford to do that. They just might not be able to afford all the fancy things like holidays, living in expensive areas and 2nd cars. I say that having been a single parent in the days before tax credits and I don’t know any 2 parent families who would be that badly off by one of them not working. You might find he’s more supportive than you expect. You really don’t know what the future holds and if your too scared to do what you want because your scared that he or others will think your lazy etc (when caring for a young child is anything but) then you’ll be missing out on what might be some fantastic years with your little one while you wallow in a job you hate. All that unhappiness isn’t going to have a great effect on your marriage. As I said in a previous post I’m a working mother of little ones again (part time) we have a happy marriage, family, jobs and the best of all worlds but that came after me making that hard decision to take a step back when I wasn’t happy and it all felt too much. Yes had to work out how I’d feed everyone in less than £2 per person per day etc but it’s doable and was more than worth it and everyone was still happy.

You’re absolutely right @DrSbaitso but the thing is, while I don’t have a perfect marriage, I also don’t have a bad one, if that makes sense. There are things I’d change but not many relating to childcare and housework. Mainly, the problem is just time - there isn’t enough of it. Repeatedly saying that Dh needs to do more is missing the point that I don’t necessarily want him to - I want to be with DS more.

So if you leave your job and focus on looking after DS and perhaps having another - how does that look and feel? What will DH's perspective be?

Would moving to a house with a separate office space - either extension or garden pod - resolve the WFH issue?

Having no money of your own is a major pia - could you do a bit of teaching online for pin money?

@TatianaBis

So if you leave your job and focus on looking after DS and perhaps having another - how does that look and feel? What will DH's perspective be?

Would moving to a house with a separate office space - either extension or garden pod - resolve the WFH issue?

Having no money of your own is a major pia - could you do a bit of teaching online for pin money?

Why should someone have no money of their own, since we married everything we earn goes into our joint account. When I was at home full time I was contributing no less to the family we’ve created then my husband. We really wouldn’t be in the happy place we are now if we’d taken that approach as there would of been so much resentment (have been there before!) we each take an equal amount for our own expenses so saves potential resentment there too.