Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

@BeeDavis I am away from her but not for extended times as sadly we don’t have our parents here for babysitting etc, an overnight at my parents house is something I can only dream of!

Does your dh want to go?

I completely understand your fears. For me, it would come down to how confident I was in dh reading my daughter's emotional and physical state. How confident I was in whether he understands the reason for keeping her bedtimes etc so that she doesn't get tired and overwhelmed.

It would also depend on how confident i was for him to look after her whole being over those four days. She will be out of her comfort zone and it could potentially be a great adventure for her but only if she feels secure with her dad.

@ittakes2 It’s both our home countries, we both left there, both our families live there. We’ve always visited over the years, fairly frequently. My family have always come to us a few times a year too, other side haven’t.
Things have only been harder since child, covid & pregnancy

If your DH is like my DH, she'll come home with knotty hair and dirty clothes, and she may not have cleaned her teeth as often as you'd like, but they'll have had a ball, DH will have learned how to look after her, and she'll have gained a little independence (or is that what you're worried about?).

Clearly you DH had no fucking clue how to look after his child if he couldn’t comb her hair or wash and change her clothes or even brush her teeth. Fucking hell. Raise the bar.

@QuiteQuaint I know, I don’t find it so shocking he hasn’t had her for the full day 🤷🏻‍♀️It just hasn’t happened that way, but would be no issue If he did

@MrsFin Why would I be worried about my Dd gaining confidence, that’s exactly what I want and she has high confidence. There are many different issues with this particular situation, as stated above, I don’t think I’m being that precious at all!

Also, my Dp would have her teeth cleaned and fresh clothes and hair

Yes I could. I did. He used to take them away from being toddlers. I enjoyed the break tbh.
But everyone is different and if you can't, you can't.

Covid isnt a reason that you haven't travelled more than 90 minutes with your child as even if they literally just turned 3, they'd have been nearly a year and and a half before it hit.

I have a 2.5yo, who was just under a year when it hit. Before covid we'd been abroad, we'd been several hours away visiting family several times. Gone to stay with friends etc, gone abroad on holiday, had mini breaks etc.

That you choose not to go more than 90m away from home for around 18m (or more), makes me think youve got some issues with travelling in general.

You've said that he's good with yet, a decent parent, knows her routines etc. This trip will be good for their bond, and help him get used to more solo parenting (which will be very useful when number 2 arrives).

What is it about flying that makes your feel like it's a risk for you btw? Presumably you'd be going well before you'd be due, and hospitals to care for you if needed...

I think DH and DD should go and meet their family and you should plan a few days of relaxing. Perhaps a friend could stay or be available to help if you need it. It’s hard but otherwise it will be ages til she meets them.

My DH regularly went away for a week at a time for work. The children missed him but were with their other parent as your DD will be.

@Moonbabysmum I said to you the reasons I won’t fly. I’m taking the pregnancy easy and getting on a plane in these times and staying at my in-laws house and all the extra stress that comes with it isn’t something I’m willing to risk. I want to be as relaxed as I can near my doctors and hospital etc, surely that’s not hard to understand?

I have zero issues with travel, before Dd we travelled the world and we live abroad so obviously aren’t unadventurous.

With having a child, things changed a little, we were happier (and it was easier!) to stay closer, we weren’t that interested in travel just yet, it seemed more hassle than it was worth, costs more money and we’ve done all
that for years and years.
We also live in a holiday place, so the need for going away isn’t that strong. We can drive an hour and be in another country, which is what we’ve done with her but also done a simple caravan type holiday up the coast.

We had booked for the U.K. for the summer covid hit, it changed everything. Since then it’s been more fertility treatments and stress and booking flights hasn’t been our priority.
All my family has been out to us for holidays and to help out.

When are you due? If imminently i’d probably hold off and go in the summer as a family. If you’re only just pregnant now then I’d let them go now - otherwise dd could be 5 before she meets them.

Whether the onus should be on you or them, to travel, no easy answers. Is the reason for considering the trip because they are nagging you to bring her over or because you feel it’s important for dd to meet them?

Well I had to when Dd was 8 weeks old for her to have major surgery (and then in intensive care), so I think that changed my outlook a bit

@PlanDeRaccordement

Yes. No problem here. I was off on business trips of 1week to 6weeks as soon as youngest DC hit 6 months of age. One time I was even “trapped” in the South Atlantic on a remote island for a few months when my DC were 1, 3, 5, and 7.

Leaving aside the 'trapped on a remote island' thing, you think it's OK for a parent to voluntarily leave their one-year-old child for months ?

Yes, I left my son with his Father for 3 days while I went on a girly weekend when he was 2, it was fabulous, he didnt ask for me once and I'd have stayed another 2 nignts if I could have 😂

Clearly you DH had no fucking clue how to look after his child if he couldn’t comb her hair or wash and change her clothes or even brush her teeth. Fucking hell. Raise the bar.

Of course he does!

The point I was trying to make (obviously badly) was that a break from routine will do DD no harm, and it might do her a world of good.

The OP sounds fairly uptight about her routine, but it really won't matter if DDs routine is not up to her standard for a few days - everyone parents differently.

I liked the earlier comment about the "child messiah". I thought it was very apt

Ok, so it doesn't sound like there is any specific reason why it would be risky for you to fly, but you feel it would be a stress, which you don't want to do? Fair enough, that's your call, but I do think that means you shouldn't object to your husband taking your 3yo.

Given the onus is (and should be!) on you to travel, given you are the ones that moved, I feel you are unreasonable to object to your husband going with your child. Your seemingly didn't want to travel in the first 18m, you don't want to travel whilst pregnant, you don't want to travel with a newborn. It's not your husband being unreasonable in wanting to see his family (and bringing their grandchild) but you (IMO) being unreasonable in putting obstacle after obstacle in his way. It feels very controlling. Just let them go.

Why would I be worried about my Dd gaining confidence, that’s exactly what I want and she has high confidence. There are many different issues with this particular situation, as stated above, I don’t think I’m being that precious at all!

Well let her go then. There are no "issues" with this situation other than those your anxiety has created in your mind, as the huge majority of posters have pointed out on here.
You said your child is only away from you for the odd hour at a playgroup or similar, and that she has only ever traveled 90 mins from home.
She's 3. It's about time you were looking to expand her horizons a little bit and to reduce her dependence on you.
A 4 day jaunt to her grandparents with her dad sounds an ideal starting point for this.

When we had the kids, we said that when a situation arose like this one, we were either both ok with it or it didn’t happen. It’s worked well for us. You’re clearly very uncomfortable with this OP and you don’t have to do it.

I guess a week but it was a while back. I think it was good for both of them but do understand how you feel.

She's 3. It's about time you were looking to expand her horizons a little bit and to reduce her dependence on you.

🤣 I think someone is trolling.

Shes 3. There are many years ahead to expand her horizons and its normal for a young child to depend on mum. There’s a huge problem if a child doesn’t.

OP you will possibly make yourself ill with worry if they go so I'd wait til the baby is born and all go together.
It's irrelevant asking what others would do as you obviously don't want her to go.
I'm not judging either way - but if you're having a high risk pregnancy I don't think them going is going to be helpful to your blood pressure etc

I think this thread has taken a rather sad turn.

OP, you seem to have moved away and shrunk your world.

You say your daughter is independent and confident, but has never been more than 1.5hrs away from your home, or spent time with extended family. At some stage, her independence will be limited by the things she’s not allowed to do.

It sounds like your home country isn’t that far away if a 3-day trip is feasible? How long is the flight?

@QuiteQuaint I know! 🤷🏻‍♀️🙈she’s 3, she has a very rich life in another country, speaking another language with many different friends. She’s outdoors everyday, has already driven abroad with us and had pretty normal, I believe, mini holidays a hour an a half away camping, just because hassle with toddlers!
She goes to playgroup, gym classes, spends time with her dad, neighbours & friends, she’s 3!

@VodselForDinner 😅Our world hasn’t shrank at all, read previous posts, she hasn’t seen dps side of the family as covid etc, and all the other reasons I stated, she’s spent lots of time with my family as they’ve come to stay for weeks on end. She has a massive range of experiences and a fantastic life, one she’d never have in the U.K.

@Moonbabysmum ffs 🤣I had to finish work early as I’m considered high risk, it’s an Ivf pregnancy, I’m an older mum with many previous losses, one which almost killed me, I have gestational diabetes for the second time. I’ve been advised not to fly. There’s no way I would fly right now