Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

Personally, no. But I recognise that most 3 year olds will probably be totally fine when they are with one of their parents and not the other. I know lots leave their child overnight far earlier than 3. I could do one night, at a push maybe 2 but 3+ would be pretty unpleasant (probably just for me not the toddler!)

I definitely couldn't be separated from my children and wouldn't consider allowing them on a plane without me

Why on earth has her father not even spent a full day caring for her himself?

My kids are older now but I can and have left them for this length at similar ages and younger with people who loved them (Mostly my DH and my parents at that stage, mil for shorter times like a day/evening)but I’d made sure they built good relationships with the rest of their family not just me.

Going back to an earlier post though and having had bad pregnancies myself I would not have wanted my husband going away for days while I was pregnant so on that reason alone I think you are perfectly right to wait just now. And use the time to develop your husbands relationship with his child, it will really help when the baby is here too.

@MadameGazellee - Dh Let me take his (our ) son on a plane without him - does that make him bad ? I suppose everyone has their own view - I know that .

I consider ( and maybe just our experience. ) once maternity leave / breastfeeding done where I was more important if you will - we were both equal parents. ( Well I think we were always, just I could do some things DH couldn't )

Of course. DH is a capable parent and would probably love the opportunity to have some daddy daughter time. He doesn’t ever do the bedtime routine as he works evenings, but I’m sure he’d muddle through for a few days.

@diamondpony80 hehe heh I like your post - First time Dh changed a nappy - guess what - wee all over his shirt because he did not know to put a little napkin over DS once nappy off, He learned - I am not sure all fathers are as incompetent looking after their children as some would make out. - there are exceptions - but by and large I think fathers can do this ( if Mums have done everything they may have to learn a bit from scratch - but they will do it. )

No simply because it will cause you a lot of stress and worry and being high risk pregnancy thats probably best avoided. Can you not all go once baby is here? Covid allowing of course?

Yes no problem. My husband regularly took our twins from age 2 to spend time with his family 6+ hours away. I enjoyed the break. Kids are really resilient, much more so than us adults.
It sounds like you’re conflating the issue of travel with your annoyance your in laws won’t visit you. Keep them as two distinct ideas and you’ll realise that you're BU

I wouldn’t. They will just have to wait or come to you.

I'd have packed my 3yos bag already 😆

She's with her dad, it's only a flight and a few nights away. You're having a baby, your routine is going to go pot anyway once they arrive so it's probably time to relax a bit. Make some nice plans for yourself and have a rest.

@Bluelegsredlegs Yes - I think not conflating the two ideas is wise.

Most (present ) fathers can look after their children with out mum around

& maybe MIL is being a bit rubbish but I would find it sad that she has not met Granny (DP's DM ) I would make the effort if she has not. If DD doesn't enjoy it then so be it. But it does seem her extended family is a bit one sided - I would give it a go & to answer your original question - yes I could be separated from my child for 3 or 4 days with her father. Whether I like it or not is a different thing but I could and so could she

Just an opinion.

God yeah l would enjoy the rest...might be the last one for a while.

Yeah easy.

I have childfree breaks where I leave 3 year old with DP, no problems, however I actually agree with you on this OP. Given all the factors it feels a bit overwhelming and unnecessary.

Most the posters have said they go and leave the children at home, big difference here is that your DP is taking her away and leaving you at home. From what you've said both may find it harder and more unsettling than your DP anticipates. Add in the pregnancy factor, plus COVID and I think I would feel the same as you.

You have obviously found something that is more important to you than your family, be it a job there, the weather, the cost of living, the lifestyle or whatever prompted you to move. Don’t be surprised that they have things in their lives which take priority over you.

Fair enough that the MIL has her own priorities. But she doesn’t get to guilt trip OP. I mean how dare OP live her life with her children and her partner. I have a MIL/FIL that try to guilt trip us but they make no effort themselves. It’s miserable and it makes us not want to see them. We dread speaking to them. If MIL cared she’d understand that she’s being unfair no matter how much she misses them.

& one more point if you are a nuclear family & living together and all well ( I have probably explained that badly ) If you cannot trust your husband . partner to look after DD for 3 / 4 days what are you doing being with I'm ? At what age is he allowed to take care of his child

I do get you are pregnant and that might make you feel more anxious - but really - Dads are allowed to look after their children - 3 is old to have never seen his side of the family IMHO unless they are dreadful - it sounds like MIL is a little bit rubbish - so I would be the better person and let her meet her with travel.

My DPILs usually made us go to their house & I was grumpy about it at times not a 3 hour flight but a long drive - but DS has such fond memories about them - I am glad we did . You don't get these things back when they are gone. Ah well - your choice

If she's never been away from you overnight and doesn't know that side of the family, she'll likely feel overwhelmed and insecure. Do you have friends she can stay with overnight a few times to practice.

DS 10 has only ever stayed with family, he was very anxious about residential trips, something happened recently, a change in mindset and he's now happy to go on one for 3 days in January. DS 14 never worried and was fine on his first school trip aged 9.

When you move abroad the onus is on you to go and see family. Unless you live in a holiday destination. I've been abroad for 26 years and my family have been no more than 5X.

Ive always let my kids go on holiday with their grandparents. At 2 they went on a beach destination long haul with my ex mil. They've gone pretty much every year for 1-2 weeks. MN would say this is unusual - I'm not sure if that's really the case - possibly a British thing.

I was divorced when they were 2&3. Court ordered contact was every other weekend and 1/2 the holidays. This meant they spent 4 weeks in one block at their dads every summer. It was very hard on them and me but totally typical for here.

Hell yes. That’s what kept me sane when my children were young.

I find this a bit sad that you don’t trust your partner to look after his own child. I have taken my children away alone as has husband, we’ve left them with grandparents whilst we went abroad, and left them with grandparents who live abroad whilst we stayed in a hotel nearby. Everyone has always had a great time because the people they are with love them and are capable of looking after them. It’s sometimes an adventure and doesn’t always go to plan and yes things can go wrong, but these experiences help us to become resilient and develop independence and confidence.

When I was growing up I would go with my dad to his home country Kenya occasionally if he needed to visit for a reason (other than a holiday), without my mum or siblings. It was brilliant. We had an adventure, I was company for him on the journey, and I got spoilt rotten!

I would be really cross if my husband said I couldn’t travel with my children alone.

Personally I would wait until the baby is born and travel then as a family. Travelling/flying with a baby is easy enough. We've travelled long and short haul with ours from when they were 8 weeks old and never had any issues.

Your anxiety is practically jumping off the page to me, and not in s healthy way.

I mean, she's 3 and you've never been more than an hour and a half away from home? She only of away from you a couple of hours a week? You think she is too young to travel!!

I don't know if this is post Covid anxiety, or you've always felt like this, but she's at a perfectly normal age to travel. Many babies including one of mine) travel as newborns. Lots of families take holidays abroad in the first few months. Its really not a problem.

Your child will be with their other parent, so no, I wouldn't have any hesitation about that. I'd miss them, but if I couldn't go as well, then I wouldn't try to stop them. I am concerned about why their dad has spent so little time solo parenting them though.

As for whether they should be going because of your high risk pregnancy/whether you could go as well, thst depends on the nature of the risk.

High risk could mean anything from (1) consultant led because of increased BMI, or because you had a difficult birth with your first neither of which would make taking a short flight and issue (2) on strict bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy because your cervix gas a tendency to spontaneously dilate.

And having several early first trimester losses, whilst incredibly sad, is different in terms of flying risk, to you going into second trimester labour several times.

Only you know what the risk is like, and whether this due to your general anxiety, or because travelling really would be a risk.

I agree with previous posters I'm staggered he has a 3 year old and he's never had her for the whole day! Does he not see that this is crap. Also surely you don't want the first time he looks after her solo to be if you're admitted to hospital in an emergency.

I also agree that the onus is on the person who moved to go back and visit. It makes more sense in the long run too as you can see everyone in one trip rather than expect everyone who wants to see you to use their leave from work to go abroad.

I'd work on him having her solo and then working up to taking a trip either as a family or him and her together once baby is here. He needs to step up and actually parent though, I can't believe you've not demanded he do his share in the last 3 years.

My DD is just turned 2 but no way. She loves DH, he's very hands on and I trust him completely but I would miss her and she would miss me. It's not in her best interests, even with the benefits of meeting family. If you weren't pregnant I'd say all of you go, but I would just wait until you're happy to travel with the new baby (whenever that is). Be available for video calls with the in laws to maintain as much contact as you can and meet any guilt trips with 'you know you're always welcome to visit, shall I help you look at flights?'

Given you moved abroad, the onus is surely on your side to do the traveling. An adult and a3 year old traveling is not difficult circumstances.