Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

Yes she will be fine. She is with her dad not a stranger. My DD went with her dad abroad to see his family many times without me from around 6 months and always had a great time and loved all the attention

I haven’t really thought about it tbh, planning a whole day just to be out of the house so he’d take care of her. He obviously takes her out sometimes or I go out, it just hasn’t involved an extended amount of time, not for any specific reason

You don't have to plan to be out of the house, surely there is somewhere he would like to take her for the day so they had a day out together. His bond in your mind may be great but I fail to see how it can be if he's never alone long enough to actually parent his child.

@Itsalmostanaccessory Yes, but being away from family she hasn’t stayed overnight at her grandparents etc, if only! We haven’t had that option so she’s always been with us

What sort of dad is DH?

Is he capable of looking after DD all day with no input from you?

I keep my child very close but I’d be fine with DH taking them as for us there’s no major difference as to which parent is there.

Even at home DH will automatically care for DC, I don’t need to instruct or supervise.

Is this the same for you?

If not then no. I wouldn’t want DD to go either as I’d worry about her needs being met.

@PinkWaferBiscuit He’s never suggested it

Would it really be that bad to wait until your new DC is born and go a good few months after?

Else how long are his family going to wait until they see new baby?
They've gone over 3 years without seeing DC surely waiting a bit longer and taking both kids is a better solution?

I've just recently gone through a similar situation with my 2 year old. Never been separated from them before, not even an overnight but I had to travel to another country for a family emergency.

I was gone for a week and whilst I felt a huge amount of guilt over leaving, DC had an absolute blast with DH. They had lots of activities planned and aside from a couple of 'where's Mummy?' questions, I'm not even sure DC noticed I was really gone.

DC was also going through a really clingy phase before I left too but it was all absolutely fine. I had strict instructions with my DH though that I was to be able to FaceTime every day, at the very least to say goodnight and he was to keep the pictures and videos coming - just because I knew I'd miss DC loads.

I'd say let them go. It's only a few days, you'll have chance to rest and relax, your DC will be spoilt and have a blast no doubt. It will be a lovely bonding experience for your DH and DC too.

@BananaBlue I don’t need to supervise 😬perfectly capable of looking after her (too much relying on tv at times) but it’s all ok

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@PinkWaferBiscuit He’s never suggested it[/quote]
Gosh how fucking depressing. Why do people choose to have children with people who are such crap parents.

When mine was 3 I went abroad for 10 days on my own, it was amazing! I waited until he was 3 so he could understand that I would be coming back and we made a calendar so he could cross off the days. He'd never been without me before as I was a SAHM so it was a great opportunity for him and DH to bond without me around.

@Frostythesnowperson - I do see all your worries but in terms of your pregnancy - you won't be the one getting on the plane. ( this is not to belittle your worries )

I understand all those firsts are probably making you anxious but if it were me ( and it isn't ) as long as it between two countries where covid is unlikely to make a difference to travel in 3 days I would go for it. - I really would unless you have very serious immediate health concerns - this is the first time in 3 years DD had met her paternal Granny - realistically when would be the next time - it will probably be getting on for when she is 5 by the time new baby and all allowed to fly.

Forget about family being able to afford it more than you - this is more about your DP and DD and their memories and experiences. Sometimes families can be rubbish.

I can. Often have nights away with dh. Longest I have done is 4 days.

@Ragwort

Personally I could have, but that doesn't help you. You can only do what feels right for you. But I would always say to myself 'what would happen if I died' (or if that sounds dramatic - what if I was admitted to hospital)., and I knew I wanted my DC to be comfortable with other people and not over dependent on me. Maybe you need to think carefully about your DH's role in this - surely he deserves to be able to take his own DD to meet his family?

Totally this.

We made a point of making sure our DCs were comfortable with other people almost from the off. They had sleepovers with GPs for example from quite a young age.

"Never being separated from your DD" sounds lovely, but one day you might have to be, and it's much easier for everyone,DD included, if you know she's happy with other people.

I don't see why being away from you for a few days with her dad is such an issue. It will be lovely together time for the pair of them.

@PinkWaferBiscuit Why is that a crap parent? He works all week and weekends we generally have plans with friends etc or do things as a family 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@PinkWaferBiscuit Why is that a crap parent? He works all week and weekends we generally have plans with friends etc or do things as a family 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Of course it's pretty crap that in 3 years he's never once actually made any suggestions to do anything with his own child.

What would he do if you were not there? Just leave her in front of the TV and never take her out?

I couldn’t have. I never spent time away from mine until they were old enough to ask. So we’ve never really been part. I wouldn’t manage it well, and neither would 2 of 4 of my children.

Thy being said, friends have left there’s from being tiny babies for sleepovers at grandparents etc and they’ve all been absolutely fine and enjoyed it! How does your husband feel?

You are a small family going to see an extended family in your husband's home country I presume. Its not right you think everyone should be coming over to you.

But I bet your kids would be fine with it, you haven't tried.

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@PlanDeRaccordement It’s not just the plane ride, not that at all really. It’s the distance and the changes in her routine and environment[/quote]

You sound ever so precious OP.

A 3 year old can cope with a change in routine. You can pick your own routine back up when she gets home. She'll have fun.
If your DH is like my DH, she'll come home with knotty hair and dirty clothes, and she may not have cleaned her teeth as often as you'd like, but they'll have had a ball, DH will have learned how to look after her, and she'll have gained a little independence (or is that what you're worried about?).

@PinkWaferBiscuit He has taken her out, it just hasn’t been for the whole day 🤷🏻‍♀️We come back for lunch or break days up

I haven’t really thought about it tbh, planning a whole day just to be out of the house so he’d take care of her. He obviously takes her out sometimes or I go out, it just hasn’t involved an extended amount of time, not for any specific reason

And that’s just fine OP. My partner worked more hours than me when our kids were young. We didn’t manufacture me being away from the kids just so he had to look after them alone. There were times he looked after them alone as I was out with friends or he’d take them out if I was busy or ill but for the a lot of the time that he was with the kids, I was around too. We have 2 teen kids who have a good relationship with us both.

We stopped pleasing others at the expense of our or our children’s happiness a long time ago. This visit sounds completely about the in-laws. You’d be unhappy, your daughter would be uncomfortable and possibly distressed without you. No chance this would happen in my family.

Ok so there’s no worries about routines as he will keep to them.

New environment, well she will have her dad for reassurance which is just as good as you. It’s not like DH will have PIL doing childcare etc. And it will be fun for them.

My DC has never spent the night without one of me/DH being there but I’ve been away (abroad, medical), DH has been away and also taken DC away for the odd night.
My parents would love to have an overnight but that’s not happening for various reasons.

But then the first time DH took EBF DC out for the day was at about 4 weeks with expressed milk. I think DH did a solo before I did actually.

I don’t think it was very smart not having any time away from your daughter for 3 years! It’s not healthy in my opinion. Because now look at the dilemma you both have. He’s her father, he should be able to take her to see his family, whether you think they should be coming to you or not, it works both ways! I’d take the opportunity for a nice break from them before baby comes. And I suggest with new baby you atleast make sure you spend time away from them every now and then, it harms no one!

@MrsFin ???

Yes????