Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

No I wouldn't allow it. I had this problem too with in laws abroad. In the end I didn't because to be honest In the end I didn't feel they were worth it since they were so uninvested themselves. Offer to pay their tickets if it's a money issue. If you're pregnant and your daughter is so young it's up to them to visit you. Unless they're very ill or old and frail in which case wait until baby is older and all go. It's a strange thing living with family abroad but at your daughters age they will just be complete strangers to her

Also, I would expect things to change a little having a baby/toddler. The year previous to having Dd, we were in India, America, Ibiza and Switzerland, covid and the hassle of toddlers has changed our plans until she’s a little older, and we’re happy with that.

@Volhhg Yes, we’ve offered to pay and where we are is a beautiful place to visit. They don’t make any effort tbh, not even cards or presents ever at birthdays/Xmas etc, whereas mine make every effort and more. It is hard to feel we should have to make all the effort and spend all the money, but I understand the importance of Dd having that relationship so am trying to make it work somehow

It's hard isn't it when it's completely up to you to create this relationship between the other family and your child. But you can't force these things and if they definitely won't put themselves out to persue it, then I think you should just wait and see them when you are all ready. The responsibility isn't just down to you. I would say being pregnant and having a young child who is mostly used to your care is very good reason to delay

I think they should go. When baby comes there will be times she cannot have your attention. It's better she starts developing some independence from you now than when the baby comes and she feels pushed out.

I don't think this is an opportunity to give a four year old independence, as if this will somehow toughen her up and help her come to terms with a new sibling. Being separated from her main carer for the first time for four days isn't going to give her independence if anything it's going to stress her out and be super clingy with her mum when she gets back

Yes.

I went on holiday with a friend abroad when DC were 5&2. 5 nights. It was wonderful.

If you’re going to worry and stress then it’s not really going to help your condition if she’s far away and if they’re refusing to make any effort then that is on them. I wouldn’t chase after people who aren’t that bothered. Maybe I missed it but is there a reason you can’t wait until after the baby is born.

I would not have allowed this. However my husband has ADHD and can get distracted very easily, doesn't always see danger in situations and his parents can he similarly lax on safety issues. Our DC also had a habit of bolting off at this age and wouldn't hold hands. There's absolutely no way my nerves could have handled it.

However, your husband might be completely different! If you trust him implicitly to be 'on the ball' then I wouldn't have an issue with it. Sadly I couldn't trust mine with things like this when DC were so young.

Well OP I think ( just an opinion may not be true ) this is more about you not wanting to engage with DP's Mum to be honest ( just my thought ) - Look she ( DMIL ) might be rubbish & you don't like her and she might not come to see you ( which would be more convenient for you ) - but I did not particularly like my DMIL in the early years - but would I have stopped Ds having a relationship with his granny - not ever in the world in space. Of course your child is your own but they belong to both sides of the family - unless one is dreadful of course - but you have not let her had a chance to meet her paternal grandmother & sounds like you don't trust your DP to do that.

If I am honest I think unless they are vampires - you should trust DP & Granny & try to be less stressed , I can understand why you are worrying but DCs will benefit from knowing both sides of the family ( In general - not always ) but you haven't even given it a go.

& again if you don't trust DP to look after his own ( well both your child) well that is beyond commenting & maybe you have more problems than him taking your DD to see her Granny for the first time in 3 years.

I do wish you well but I think this is a bit unusual / batshit - whatever . Doesn't matter , not my child but I think most people in a good relationship would like children to be close or at least have met both grandparents assuming GPs are half way decent )

Enough - your choice.

Cross posted - am assuming DP is NT and no other problems other than DD cannot leave Mummy's side after 3 years - if not I apologise

I would say that even if MIL is being awkward, it is nice for her to meet DD, especially if she's unwell and likely to remain so.

You don't want DP resenting you in years to come for not "allowing" him to meet his mother.

It'll be over quickly. Take it as an opportunity to rest and recharge.

@GettingWorseWithAge - that is a good point - would you ( bar which I mean one ) be happy if your children said we never met - or only met when were older DP Granny - because it wasn't convenient for Mummy.

By which not bar which - sorry .

They should come over to you. They will probably want to see baby soon so why not wait and they can come and see them both. Also depending where you are and where they are going it seems a lot of faff for three days. No I wouldn't want to be away from any of mine for that long, especially if they were going abroad. I spent two nights in hospital after I had my 11 week old baby, that was long enough for me. My older two are 4 and 5 years old.

[quote BasiliskStare]@GettingWorseWithAge - that is a good point - would you ( bar which I mean one ) be happy if your children said we never met - or only met when were older DP Granny - because it wasn't convenient for Mummy.[/quote]
Sounds to me like it's not been convenient for granny and aunties. So I don't think the convenience being considered is Just Mummy's (which I think is kind of patronising in your post). I don't think a three year old would find it very convenient being taken away from her main carer abroad to stay with what to her are strangers for four days and a dad who she isn't usually left in sole care of. It sounds stressful for the child. I think she'll make better memories with relatives waiting and going when her mum isn't pregnant.

@BasiliskStare It’s not *Inconvenient for me, can’t you see all the other associated issues.
Also bizarre that it’s 100% my fault somehow.
I completely want Dd to have a relationship with her other side of the family, but doesn’t that take some involvement/effort on the other side too?!

It's not about fault, but if they don't or can't come you to them you have to go to them. Either in small groups or as a family.

I get it, we have similar albeit a 6 hour flight. It's mostly us that makes the trip there. Everyone is busy with children, jobs, lives etc. We accept it and the children don't have such a good relationship with that side. When they're older they can go alone for longish periods.

DH took our children alone over at similar ages to your DD because I needed to save holiday for something else. I missed them. But I survived. We also sent them over with grandmother and came out later.

Personally I would say go. It'll be good for DP to have some proper responsibility. You'll all cope.

I don't think it's a good idea, no.

It seems pretty silly to make her first night(s) away from you be for this trip. It's bound to be a bit scary and upsetting for her just being away from you for the first time and she will really miss you. Doubly so as she's never really had proper all-round care from her dad!

So you start from the point of her being a bit miserable and unsure, probably clingy to her dad, definitely out of her routine (partly because travel and partly because dad will be less adept than you at keeping the routine in mind) so tired.

And then it's Heyyyyyy here you go meet your GRANNY!

I would think that's going to be a less than totally successful and happy trip, for your DH too - presumably he'd want to show off his smiley happy DD, not be embarrassed prying a crying/overwrought/overtired/ bit miserable 3 year old off him so she can be passed around the family.

Either do some dry runs with you away for a night or two/him taking her somewhere

Or wait til you can all go together.

Or - stop listening to the guilt trips .

@Skeumorph Yes and not just granny, my sil, bill’s, dps niece and partner etc and they’re not the quietest of people. I can see it being so overwhelming

I can't believe that none of those relatives can bear the travel to visit. To put this all on a three year old who hasn't been away from her mum is really unfair. Yes agree that there's a strong possibility of your daughter not behaving in a way that people will expect. Travel and kids can be very stressful and that along with unreasonable adult expectation of a three year olds behaviour would put me off. I don't know if your in laws are like that though. Meeting with family abroad can be overwhelming for children.

@Volhhg Only mil won’t come, sil and family arranged to come with her, for everyone to come together, it didn’t happen. We arranged to pay for it, didn’t happen.
Sil and family want to come over but won’t for fear of upsetting mil

@Skeumorph

I don't think it's a good idea, no.

It seems pretty silly to make her first night(s) away from you be for this trip. It's bound to be a bit scary and upsetting for her just being away from you for the first time and she will really miss you. Doubly so as she's never really had proper all-round care from her dad!

So you start from the point of her being a bit miserable and unsure, probably clingy to her dad, definitely out of her routine (partly because travel and partly because dad will be less adept than you at keeping the routine in mind) so tired.

And then it's Heyyyyyy here you go meet your GRANNY!

I would think that's going to be a less than totally successful and happy trip, for your DH too - presumably he'd want to show off his smiley happy DD, not be embarrassed prying a crying/overwrought/overtired/ bit miserable 3 year old off him so she can be passed around the family.

Either do some dry runs with you away for a night or two/him taking her somewhere

Or wait til you can all go together.

Or - stop listening to the guilt trips .

Well, welcome to life with your families a flight away — this is par for the course, trying to manage familial expectations about how many smiles can be expected from a tired toddler who doesn’t necessarily remember them from last time/Skype calls, snd trying to not arrive with an exhausted cranky child.

I see what's meant by guilt trip now from some of the comments on this thread! I never got anything like that. Such disrespect for your judgement. I feel like your DH needs to back you up more.

@Doona Totally! Trying to make me guilty for moving away