Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

Yes. No problem here. I was off on business trips of 1week to 6weeks as soon as youngest DC hit 6 months of age. One time I was even “trapped” in the South Atlantic on a remote island for a few months when my DC were 1, 3, 5, and 7. I missed them, but my DH was a fantastic father with a hardly ever has to travel job and so it was all good.

Wouldnt the sensible thing be for you all to go visit a few months after the baby is born?

@Stuckhere2021 It’s not really about sole charge, is it?
It’s about going on a plane for the first time abroad, to a different home to meet people she’s never met. The furthest we’ve been from home is around 1.5 hours drive and we’ve been altogether.
Plus, covid etc and me home alone with a high risk pregnancy. It just seems a lot

She will be with her Dad!!

She’ll be fine. Unless there’s a massive drip feed about your partner.

Yes why not? Normal for split parents to go days without seeing their kids.

I wouldn't be apart from her if I were you especially in your circumstances. Stress etc is not good for pregnancy and that is the perfect explanation why this cannot be done yet.
If his family want to see her so badly they should make the effort not put at risk another grandchild

Yes. DH took both our 3 year and 1 year olds to see his parents for 2 nights 180 miles away whilst I flew to Edinburgh to see an old school friend.

@Peppermint81

I wouldn't be apart from her if I were you especially in your circumstances. Stress etc is not good for pregnancy and that is the perfect explanation why this cannot be done yet. If his family want to see her so badly they should make the effort not put at risk another grandchild

Oh don’t be absurd.

No way.

Does anyone think that they should really be coming to us, as my family do?
All the guilt and responsibility is put on us, but couldn’t they make the effort to come out too?
We don’t have much spare cash at the moment, I still consider Dd fairly young for travelling, especially during covid etc and another on the way 🤷🏻‍♀️

I did it. Let my husband take our 3 year old to Turkey to see his family while I stayed home with baby. I missed my son terribly but they had a great time.

She will be with her dad.
It will be fine

@LittleBearPad But is it that absurd?? It’s flying to another country not a three hour drive away. If something happened there’s no way I could get there easily or vice versa

@DebIr How long for?

I have done it loads of times over the years. My youngest was 10 months when I had a 3 day trip away, it's just our normal.

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@Stuckhere2021 It’s not really about sole charge, is it?
It’s about going on a plane for the first time abroad, to a different home to meet people she’s never met. The furthest we’ve been from home is around 1.5 hours drive and we’ve been altogether.
Plus, covid etc and me home alone with a high risk pregnancy. It just seems a lot[/quote]
Okay - so all this meeting new people etc - it would be okay if you were there? Genuine question.

You being home alone, covid, high risk pregnancy etc - that is tough on you but a different question to could you be separated from DC. Is this really about DD or more about what you want?

I’d be more worried about getting stuck somewhere due to Covid tbh, but if it’s just Europe they’ll be fine. If my other half offered to take our 2 year old on a mini break I’d jump at the chance 🤣🤣 image the lie ins, you could go swimming, a facial , lie on the couch and watch Hallmark Christmas movies ……no cooking, pause the laundry….

Dp hasn’t had her just with him for even a full day at home

This would make me say no - let them wait until you can all go.

Covid has done crazy things to these kids in terms of reducing their contact with the world and you do not want to go messing her up for the sake of a family visit. If your DP regualry had her at home - for example whilst you were at work - then I would say no problem. But you are talking about taking a 3 year old completely out of her comfort zone here without her support mechanisms. If you feel you need to do this - please build up her time with DP alone before they go...

It’s about going on a plane for the first time abroad, to a different home to meet people she’s never met.

She’s three years old, not three weeks old! She is not too young to travel. Just book her her own seat. It’ll be fine. They are so small they can sleep head on your lap on the plane. And most planes have booster seats these days so they can watch cartoons and play games on the entertainment screens.

Your DH hasn't had her for a full day on his own at home and the idea is that he'll have sole responsibility of her for four days while he navigates situations which can be quite stressful for a young child ie/flying, lots of travel, staying in a strange place, all while away from you, her primary carer. If your DH had a more equal role in the childcare and experience in looking after her overnight, it might be more viable. Given these circumstances, personally I wouldn't. I'm sure it won't break her, and I'm sure it would be fine, but it could be stressful for both her and you. She's still very little.

Also, what happens if you have a problem while they're away? Given your pregnancy is high risk, I don't think your DH should be off on a jaunt to a different country where he can't quickly return if something happens.

And yes, it seems very one-sided the effort you're expected to make to visit them when they can't be arsed to do the same for you.

There are lots of people on this thread who have been separated from their child and that's great. But not everyone's circumstances are the same and with what you're describing, no, I don't think it's a good idea - or fair.

And if you can't afford it - then you can't afford it. They could come to you just as easily - the road is the same length each way.

What does your DP think? Take the pressure of the In laws away - what is the right thing for your DD at this point?

I’d wait til the baby’s born, and then there’s legitimate reason to invite them over to you! Are there financial reasons why DP’s family haven’t been out? Could you offer to help?

I think that's fine (and it will give you a rest).

[quote Frostythesnowperson]@LittleBearPad But is it that absurd?? It’s flying to another country not a three hour drive away. If something happened there’s no way I could get there easily or vice versa[/quote]
The other poster was implying the stress could harm your pregnancy. That is absurd.

As to the rest - what bad is likely to happen. Nothing.

She’ll be fine.

And no, I couldn’t be without my three year old in a different country. My 7 year old, yes.