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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you be separated from your Dc

253 replies

Frostythesnowperson · 18/11/2021 22:24

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

OP posts:
Bumblenums1234 · 19/11/2021 07:49

I think there must be something wrong with me, if I was heavily pregnant and had thr opportunity to be alone for 4 days I would be really excited. I would be in comfy clothes eating crap abs binge watching TV for the whole time and feel no guilt.

I left ds with his dad for a week when he was 16 months old and went for surgery in a different contry. Of course I missed him but I was never worried about him. But then, dp is a really hands on dad who had spent many a full day looking after ds without me so I had no reason to worry.

YukoandHiro · 19/11/2021 07:50

I think your DD would be fine but I'd be worried about you getting separated from your DH due to covid when you're pregnant and high risk. I wouldn't risk ending up solo during a difficult birth/postnatal period (eg what if you needed NICU)?

INeedNewShoes · 19/11/2021 07:51

Is your DH a good parent? Will he look after your DD and does he have experience of dealing with meltdowns etc.? If yes, I really can’t understand the problem.

Surely it’s easier to let them do this trip now than try to plan a trip once the new baby is here.

My DD would view it as a big adventure (she is 4 now but I would have said the same at 3).

I’m currently a few hundred miles away from DD for a week and it’s for a jolly on my part, nowhere near as important as visiting family.

DD is used to being looked after by various close friends and family and it has allowed her to develop lovely relationships with lots of people. I find this reassuring. If ever I have no choice but to be separated from DD there’s a list of people she’d be happy to stay with and who know I have confidence in them.

Pbbananabagel · 19/11/2021 08:01

If it were me, I’d plan to go when new baby is a couple of months old, flying with newborns is actually so much easier than I expected it to be! They just feed and sleep through the flight.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/11/2021 08:10

I went away to the IOM for 4 days when DSs were 1 & 3. I had hoped that DS2's milk consumption would have been far lower by then and my breast pump had to work hard to manage the engorgement (and avoid another round of mastitis) but it was a great, unusual opportunity that had to be committed to not long after DS2 was born. It felt very healthy to have a break from my own children (although it did involve other people's older children!)

When I was pregnant with DS2, I'd have had no issue with DS1 being taken to DH's home country for a short trip. Not having to wake early and just doing things at my own pace without tantrums/ meltdowns would have been bliss!

It doesn't mean I don't love my children. I trust DH as their father and they have always been happy in his care and I began leaving them for a weekend from 1 when breastfeeding was more managable.

As for familiarity, DS (8) often forgets things and as he (normally) sees much of his extended family annually, he often forgets and muddles his relations up; he went nearly 2 years without seeing many and it's now over 2 years and will be towards 3 for some that we struggled to see this summer.

QuiteQuaint · 19/11/2021 08:14

I think there must be something wrong with me, if I was heavily pregnant and had thr opportunity to be alone for 4 days I would be really excited.

Why would there be something wrong with you? Confused But there’s also nothing wrong with those of us who don’t want to do this. It’s no surprise that people are different.

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 08:21

Yes, easily.

But in my case I was the one doing the travelling (5 day conference trip to the US). I'm not so sure I would want my DH travelling alone with my DS in case they ended up stuck in some hotel room somewhere for 10 days. DH would cope but there wouldn't be much left of him by the end of it Grin.

BasiliskStare · 19/11/2021 08:34

Well I think at 3 years old and with her father - it will be fine

Red Amber Green countries - I get that

But for a very short trip to meet Grandma for the first time & I think (unless a major family falling out ) - I think you should let DP & DD do it.
3 seems quite old to meet her paternal grandma. You call DGM a stranger - it will only be more so the longer you leave it.

I'm voting for doing it.

I had a very great friend who would not let her daughter out of her sight - she went to junior school and friend volunteered as a teacher's help - Friend volunteered at senior school. DD went to university - first time without her Mum and struggled - NOW - I know this is not the same as a 3 year old - but perhaps baby steps are how we let our children go out into the world & being with her father seems quite safe to me

But you must make your own choice - just an opinion. You know your family better than I (of course ) but personally for 3 / 4 days ) I would let them do it

That said all best wishes with your pregnancy @Frostythesnowperson

Atla · 19/11/2021 08:37

Yes, coming back to say that I've always been completely comfortable leaving the kids in DH's care.

I think it's how you explain it to your DD as well 'it's going to be a big adventure, you will stay with daddy at granny/aunties, you will meet your cousin X, you will fly on a plane, mummy will be waiting at home and so excited to see you when you come back after 3 sleeps'

Lifewith · 19/11/2021 08:38

@Stuckhere2021

Yes I could. DP is just as much her parent as you are.
I don't understand, she'll be with her father? Why would it not be ok?
Lifewith · 19/11/2021 08:39

If you can't trust your partner to parent without you, why are you having kids with him?

Lifewith · 19/11/2021 08:41

@MadameGazellee

I definitely couldn't be separated from my children and wouldn't consider allowing them on a plane without me
This is crazy. She'll be with her parent. She's not a breastfed baby, a dad can parent for 3 days, why not? If you can't be apart, that's your issue to deal with.
Lifewith · 19/11/2021 08:45

How many posters treat their partner like a child that can't look after their own offspring for a few days.

Really really sad.
And then we moan that men don't ďo enough.hes a father, let him be one, he'll be fine.
If you're not comfortable with that, why are you having kids with him? Crazy

Wannakisstheteacher · 19/11/2021 08:47

You moved -presumably to make a lot more money. So I don’t think the onus should be on his elderly DM to be the one to do the travelling. At 3 it really shouldn’t be an issue to spend a few days with her DF.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 19/11/2021 08:47

@Lifewith

If you can't trust your partner to parent without you, why are you having kids with him?
I have to admit this thought also crossed my mind. He's not had her alone once for a whole day in 3 years, why would you then choose to have another child with him. He's either incompetent at being a parent or you simply don't trust him. Either way why would you want another child with this man?
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/11/2021 08:48

Dp hasn’t had her just with him for even a full day at home
Why?

How does he feel about the fact that he has never, in three years, looked after his own child alone for the day?

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 19/11/2021 08:48

Thanks for the replies.

Just to clear a few things up.

Covid has made a huge difference to travel etc. The longest we’ve been away from gone is 1.5 hrs, not because we’re scared of going further, but because of covid putting restrictions on travel, so we had a mini break a short drive away (we live in a tourist/holiday place.

Dp hasn’t had Dd on his own for more than a few hours most likely, if I’ve done some on off work (currently Sahm) or I’ve nipped out with friends for a few hours etc. There’s never been any reason for me to leave her a whole day or overnight and nowhere I needed to go 🤷🏻‍♀️

It isn’t anything at all to do with not trusting Dp, it’s all the added factors that contribute-covid, my being pregnant, first time away, first time on plane, first time staying in a new house with new people etc-it seems a large amount in one go.

In terms of my high risk pregnancy @Moonbabysmum I think asked. It took us almost a decade to get pregnant the first time, I’m an older mum with many previous losses and getting on a plane and risking another possible one when I’ll have zero chance of ever having another child is 100% not going to happen-for anyone-if that’s selfish then I must be a selfish person!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 19/11/2021 08:50

@Wannakisstheteacher Nope, not for money, we’d earn three times the amount in the U.K. and our families are able to afford to visit more than we can

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 19/11/2021 08:54

In your circumstances I would say its not the right timings.
You're pregnant and if it's going to stress you out, dh's family will have to wait a bit longer.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 19/11/2021 08:56

Dp hasn’t had Dd on his own for more than a few hours most likely, if I’ve done some on off work (currently Sahm) or I’ve nipped out with friends for a few hours etc. There’s never been any reason for me to leave her a whole day or overnight and nowhere I needed to go

There are many people especially SAHMs who don't have a reason to leave a child for the whole day but you still do it because it's good for the child to have a relationship with their other parent. Has he never wanted to take her on a day out or spend the day just the 2 of them. You don't need any other reason than because he's her daughter and they want to do something together. Confused

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/11/2021 08:57

There’s never been any reason for me to leave her a whole day

The reason is so that DP is able to learn how to parent her alone. It should be encouraged. And frequent.

What if something happened to you which meant he had to parent solo? Why wouldn't you both do as much as you can to ensure th other parent is perfectly capable of parenting alone?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 19/11/2021 08:57

*she is his daughter.

Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 19/11/2021 09:02

@PinkWaferBiscuit @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I haven’t really thought about it tbh, planning a whole day just to be out of the house so he’d take care of her. He obviously takes her out sometimes or I go out, it just hasn’t involved an extended amount of time, not for any specific reason

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostythesnowperson · 19/11/2021 09:03

She’s very familiar and comfortable and adores her Dd obviously! That isn’t my issue here, it’s all the contributing factors as I’ve said.

OP posts:
Itsalmostanaccessory · 19/11/2021 09:04

This really isnt, "separated from your child" territory.
It would he a few days, maybe a week and she would be with her dad. I don't see the issue.

You know that most kids stay over at their grandparents occasionally and some even go one we holidays with a grandparent, right?

This isnt being separated from your child. Stop viewing it like that.