Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

We won a once in a lifetime trip when dcs were 2 and 3.5. We were both away from friday to Tuesday and dcs with family. They were fine and so were we.

Let your dh take your daughter and you enjoy the rest. You can do video calls each day.

I think your dd would probably be fine overall/in the end but I think there would be some tough moments. I’m in the same situation. My DH’s family are quite far away in a different culture. I trust him and his family completely but the idea of ds travelling that far away (no child carseats, easy to pick up stomach bugs) makes me nervous. Also you know the relationship you both have with your dd. Is she quite attached to you in particular? I think even if it is mostly about your worry and feelings, that’s a decent reason to hold off and visit later as a family. How does dh feel? Is he confident that he could do it all fine? Obviously he could do it but is he confident he’d be able to deal with her homesickness / missing you should that occur. Also whilst I find my son LOVES a weekend away in unexpected surroundings, after a few days he’s just so over-stimulated that it doesn’t become very fun to continue to be away. It feels like he needs some down time and he gets very emotional, stops the very good sleeping that happens at the beginning of the stay. So definitely understand where you are coming from.

No I couldn't be in a separate country from my child for 1 single night and she's almost 7!

I went back to work when mine was 13 months, which meant being a flight away once every 3 weeks for 3 nights.

I did have moments when I was aware than in an emergency, even if I could go straight to the airport and onto an immediate plane, realistically I was 7 hours away. But, the risk of the worst happening was low, of course.

I was fine, she was fine. Until 13 months we’d never spent more than an hour apart.

No way.

He hasn't even had her on his own for a day, there's no way I'd be up for him travelling away with her. He's not used to looking after her, sorting her out, let alone in busy airports.

Covid restrictions might mean they can't get back when they planned to. Just no.

Don't say you'll go back at Easter/summer, just say you'll go over when you can afford it & when you feel up to it.

Most of my family is in NZ, I'm being guilted for not having been since 2018. My sibling doesn't seem to think Covid restrictions are a 'good enough excuse' 🙄 (not being able to get a hotel quarantine space, nor having 2 weeks extra leave)

There's only one of me so apparently I need to do the travelling... him, wife, 4 kids...my parents, it makes sense, but it's always me using all my leave, me paying for flights, etc etc.

Last time I went (2018) I met my godsons son for the first time (in person) he came flying at me in the airport because through FaceTime etc I'm 'real' to him. Obviously actual hugs were incredible!

Also, I'd want to experience my child's first big adventure of flying! It's exciting! And I'd want to be there in case she's scared, overwhelmed etc he might be her Dad, but you're her primary carer (by a long way!!)

Say 'no'.

Separated is one thing, separated and in another country is something else entirely. Maybe, if you are in the EU it feels like one country, but my experience with borders is that they don't have to let you pass. They can refuse entry for any reason or no reason. We've seen borders close suddenly with Covid, so it's even more uncertain now. I'm really surprised that so many people on this thread are comfortable with the idea of young children crossing borders away from them at this time.

All the people saying they went away & left their child. That's different to the child going away, especially with a parent who has never cared for them fir a full day!

Child goes on holiday with parent shocker.
Seriously, if there's a real concern that OP could have a health issue during these few days, then put this off. And obviously check for any likely changes to the Covid rules.
Otherwise, it's surely time that both mother and child got used to spending a bit of time apart, and time that DH got used to looking after his own child.

Please dont be one of thoses mums that cant exist for 3 seconds without their kids
She is gonna be fine. You'll be too.

howeverrrr...
They can come to you if they wanna meet dd. You are the one that is pregnant. So if it was me. Id say no.
Why do you have to put in the effort??

It’s not about not being able to exist without them for 3 seconds. 🙄 I hate that it’s another pressure put on mums, that they must leave their baby. They don’t have to. There’s no way I’d have sent my child to another country to meet people they were not familiar with, with a parent who isn’t used to parenting for long periods. And for the benefit of people who have made no effort to see her. This won’t benefit the child. She won’t remember them. It’s to satisfy other peoples wants because they’re laying on the guilt. Fuck that, I don’t care who they are.

XH and I split when DD was 2, almost 3 so I've had to as part of our arrangement.

I live abroad and all my family are in the UK. I don’t have children. I’m a 10-hour flight away but I’m guessing you are closer if your boyfriend is considering going back for just 3 days. So I can’t see everything from your side but there is one question you asked that I wanted to answer regarding who should do the majority of the traveling to the others.

If you voluntarily moved overseas (I.e. not sent there by the military or any other government job) then it’s polite to do the lion’s share of the traveling, What did you expect would happen when you moved overseas? They surely didn’t bargain for having to spend money on flights and the hassle of flying just to see you. It’s a big deal for some people. Many people are scared of flying, scared of the unknown in s foreign country. Whilst you might enjoy where you live, the place has no connection at all to your family members except that you live there. If they are still working, a visit to you could eat up a significant amount of their annual leave and they may other plans for their time. When you go back to the UK you can combine many things in one trip. I know I do. There’s a bunch of family members to see, things to buy from Marks and other shops, nights out with friends, etc. When they come to you all they can achieve is to see you.

You have obviously found something that is more important to you than your family, be it a job there, the weather, the cost of living, the lifestyle or whatever prompted you to move. Don’t be surprised that they have things in their lives which take priority over you.

Honestly I think you are making a real meal of this, and you're looking for reasons to stop your daughter going. She's not "too young to travel", she'll be with her dad, and you can have a rest. You keep coming up with reasons why she'll struggle with the trip, but I really think this is all your anxiety. Let your husband take his daughter to see his mum.

@BritWifeInUSA

I live abroad and all my family are in the UK. I don’t have children. I’m a 10-hour flight away but I’m guessing you are closer if your boyfriend is considering going back for just 3 days. So I can’t see everything from your side but there is one question you asked that I wanted to answer regarding who should do the majority of the traveling to the others.

If you voluntarily moved overseas (I.e. not sent there by the military or any other government job) then it’s polite to do the lion’s share of the traveling, What did you expect would happen when you moved overseas? They surely didn’t bargain for having to spend money on flights and the hassle of flying just to see you. It’s a big deal for some people. Many people are scared of flying, scared of the unknown in s foreign country. Whilst you might enjoy where you live, the place has no connection at all to your family members except that you live there. If they are still working, a visit to you could eat up a significant amount of their annual leave and they may other plans for their time. When you go back to the UK you can combine many things in one trip. I know I do. There’s a bunch of family members to see, things to buy from Marks and other shops, nights out with friends, etc. When they come to you all they can achieve is to see you.

You have obviously found something that is more important to you than your family, be it a job there, the weather, the cost of living, the lifestyle or whatever prompted you to move. Don’t be surprised that they have things in their lives which take priority over you.

I completely agree. I'm also British living in the US and we've always known that the bulk of the traveling will be on us.

Does anyone think that they should really be coming to us, as my family do?
All the guilt and responsibility is put on us, but couldn’t they make the effort to come out too?

^

Your mil has her priorities, and it's not coming to visit you. Harsh but true. We live abroad and my parents haven't been over here for two and a half years. Me and DH both work full time, we have 2 kids who are now almost 5 and 8. Last time my parents were here the kids were 2.5 and 5.5.

They are both in their late 60's. Fit and well. The guilt and pressure on me to fly back, with both kids, longhaul flight, taking up my sparse annual leave (they are both retired) is ridiculous. But, that's their choice. They are not short of money either, they just obviously don't want to come over to see us.

You're quite right to be worried and not happy about your DD being away from you. I'd be the same.

Only you will know.

I would let DD go with her father for a few days to see her grandparents if they are not going to come to you. The older she gets the more she will not know them. Either you trust Dp to take her and look after her or you don't. At 3 I would have trusted DH to take eldest DC to see GPs - well to be honest I would have trusted him earlier than that he was DC's father. I would let him do this and then may be when DC2 comes along a more stringent talk about travelling / costs etc. So e.g. if they are not prepared to travel put some money in the pot. It is hard I know - we have family who have emigrated - not easy but have made it work

I think in your position , and I realise you sound very anxious about your pregnancy, for a few days I would let it happen for your daughter's sake - she is going with her father - you are not posting her. . I think she should meet her grandparents at least once.

But as I say - only you will know.

He’s her dad. My dc would be fine with my dh. Dh has taken one on a plane alone, he went Geneva to Australia with our 4yo and I went over to seattle with our 18mo and came to australia a week later. He has had them on his own much younger too, why haven’t you encouraged that more?
The op is obviously however going to listen to the posters who urge her to follow her very risk averse instincts and keep her ‘baby’ close. What is the plan for when dc2 is born op? You must have some back up to leave dc with.

It’s a hard no from me.
Mil can come to you, airlines have specially trained staff to support passengers who have additional needs.

The fact that she has waited this long suggests that she deems herself to be more important than your family and DD. Not someone I’d want to co-care for my three year old child.

DH had never had her all day to himself.

Covid restrictions could change any time and they be trapped for a lot longer without you. Or they could get covid.

Or

They could be in a car/plane accident or terrorist attack and you’d live forever with the loss of them both (I am prone to catastrophising, but this would run through my head).

Op I think your anxiety about your pregnancy might be clouding your judgement a bit. She will be with her Dad and I don't think she is too young to travel. However it's up to you and I think if you will find it too stressful then don't do it.

I would also drop the expectation that they should come to visit you, if they wanted to do that they would have already. You and your husband are the ones who moved overseas so yes I think the onus is on you to travel if you want your Dd to have a relationship with this side of the family

Well - I am on the side of a 3 year old child can travel with her father especially to meet her granny & if they have never met in 3 years ( am assuming short flights )

Yes it is more convenient if people come to you but relatives of mine who have moved away do accept that , their choice they do the bulk of the travelling.

For 3 or 4 days unless an emergency situation with pregnancy I would encourage this. How sad that a 3 year old had not met granny ( even if granny wasn't great but now in a wheelchair )

You say they are people she has not met but it is Grandma & DD's father is there - do you not trust him to look after her - even if not day by day previously.

I am not sure but sounds like you are somewhat ( not deliberately ) cutting off DP's side of the family & because your side come round and makes things convenient - all good.

a 3 year old will cope - I took an 11 months year old on a plane trip on my own . He threw up when turbulence but lovely pilot got me a blanket and helped me out of the airport.

That aside I think it would be nice for DD to meet both sides of her family & now seems a good time. If you don't want that - you don't - but I would personally. It is her grandmother

I know you could say Granny could come to you - but sometimes you have to stand up and be the better person - particularly with DCs

No I couldn’t.
With covid, it could easily end up longer than four days.
Go next year and take both children.

I would find it hard and my DC definitely would. They'd be fine the first night, the second they would be asking where I was and would be worried, the third and fourth would not go well. DH and I working patterns mean I'm always there at bedtime, plus the DC are pretty reliable sleepers so we've always been able to put them to bed then have a babysitter to go out & they've never woken.

I had to leave the eldest for a few days at almost 3 because the youngest was in hospital. It really affected him. 6 months later he was poorly and I said "don't worry DS, I'm here, I'll take care of you" and he mumbled "no because sometimes you go away." It gave him separation anxiety that had never been an issue before.

Depends which country travelling to - and take a decent decision as to the red amber green thing and how it looks - if it looks safe then I would say DP could do it but that would be my only worry. A father taking his own child on a short trip would not be my main worry

DH & I both worked full time so apart from childcare DCs were used to both of us

I would have been sad if DCs had said could only be with mummy - we were both his parents and it worked for him to be with either one of us

But everyone has their own way.

OP if they do decide to go, would your DH consider booking an AirBnB? My DH just recently took the kids to his parents' and did this at my suggestion. It meant that both the kids and my inlaws could have their bedtime routines etc in peace and the kids could decompress and do their own thing at the end of the day.