Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

I think her being uncomfortable for a few days as a worst case scenario isn’t the end of the world? She won’t remember and being introduced to knew things/unknowns will be good for her. I do say this with the perspective of my DH, he does more than 50% of childcare and I’ve gone away a lot with friends & Dd stays with my parents all the time. I would feel fine about her taking him because I’d feel fine about taking her myself and an equal or better parent to me. She loves staying at granny’s house.

@Happyhappyday Naive of me? To expect I’d have two high risk pregnancies and covid would happen and that she’d never visit not once 🤷🏻‍♀️

I couldn't do it. I wouldn't contemplate it.
I would wait until the new baby is here, once you're settled make arrangements to visit as a family.

Trust your own instincts, OP.

@Igneo Yes I’m not really expecting her to travel but equally it brings me down the constant guilt trips, it was really bad after she was first born and teeny and they expected us to fly over. I was coping alone with dd with bad colic and having the pressure of us having to go to see her on a plane. Whereas my family came over to us to help out

Yup! But I also lived abroad for 15 years before moving back to my home country. So by the time we had DC I knew how it was going to go. In laws get old, don’t feel comfortable traveling. You want them to have a relationship with grandparents, you have to put in the work.

Just because you moved to a new country doesn’t mean anyone really wants to have to use holiday/money to visit it.

@Doona What happened in the end? When did they see your child?

I would let her go with her dad. And try to enjoy a bit of quiet time for yourself before your baby arrives. It will be a great little adventure for her and her dad.

So basically you are vetoing your dh taking your dd to see them, vetoing going as a family (still not clear why this is) and your MiL wont travel? So your kids will just have to make do with your side of the family then.

@Happyhappyday Once in all of those tears would have been nice though?

Yes, I’d love them to have a relationship but do feel pissed off with all the guilt trips and pressure/stress as though we’re doing something terrible, when we’ve had a lot to go through ourselves, covid came up etc etc

@Porcupineintherough No, am happy to go as a family but obviously that will be a while as I’m not going to go straight after giving birth, so can she wait that long without more guilt trips

Did you move away from the family /U.K. because I think that makes a difference to how I see it. I don’t think it’s reasonable to move abroad and then expect the rest of the family to travel out to you or to be critical if they don’t want to for some reason. I think you just believe they should be travelling to you and you’re looking for reasons why your DD can’t go. Of course she can go… little kids are very adaptable. I don’t see navigating an airport and staying with family as especially stressful or difficult and I dare say there will be plenty of fun activities to fill the time.

Dp hasn’t had her just with him for even a full day at home

Three days of solo parenting may do your boyfriend absolutely no harm.

If you end up hospitalised at some stage during this pregnancy, of have a C-section and need to stay in for five nights, he’ll need to know how to manage your daughter.

They came over here after my second was born.

You may find that giving her/them an actual date to look forward to helps with the guilt trips "we are coming at Easter" " we are coming in the summer," something like that.

It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Yes, why should they incur the cost and hassle of traveling when it was you who moved?

@Porcupineintherough Yes but I need to be sure and not give false promises, no idea how I’ll feel straight after second dc born or how we’ll be financially, it’s just a lot of pressure

@Doona How old was your first at that point who they hadn’t met?
Were they resentful of the situation?

@tillytown Perhaps it would be nice just once when we’re in a difficult situation

@Divebar2021 Yes, tbh I do believe they could come out at least once, now that our situation isn’t as straightforward as it used to be. Years and years of us coming home, spending money and making the effort, which we were very happy to do. Unfortunately our situation is completely now to when it was just the two of us

I made the choice to leave my very clingy, very high needs 3 year old for 3 nights when I had to attend a funeral. I knew she was with her dad and that she would be ok, but leaving was hard. I tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but she screamed and screamed when I left. DH said it went on for a couple of hours. But after that, they settled into a routine and were ok. When I got home, she acted like I had only been gone for a few hours and nothing seemed amiss aside from the house being a disaster (which I completely understand, when I patented solo at that age the same thing happened, she was super high needs and we eventually discovered not NT)

For about 6 months after that her favorite pastime became setting booby traps in the hallways and near the exit doors of the house. They were basically just piles of her toys, pillows, and the occasional small piece of furniture, but she clearly had a message to send about my absence.

I don’t regret making the trip. I needed to go and that part of my extended family really wasn’t a group I wanted to expose her to, especially with the potential emotional upheaval of a funeral. She was fine and it was something she needed to understand happens. Moms sometimes have to step away for a bit, but they do come back.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to move abroad and then expect the rest of the family to travel out to you or to be critical if they don’t want to for some reason

100% that. If you choose to live abroad, is on you to do the travelling. MIL sounds anxious and clearly isn't well. Nothing on this earth would have got my dad on a plane. If we moved abroad I couldn't possibly have expected that of him, or been annoyed that he 'wouldn't make the effort'.

You need to be unselfish here. Your DD will be fine. Three year olds are adaptable and up for new experiences. And she's with her dad.

Yes I left mine for a week at that age. They were at home with their dad while I went away with a friend. I’ve done it several times over the years.

@saraclara I’m being selfish???

My daughter was 2 when my DH wanted to go travelling. I don't know if they were resentful? They have different opinions from me, for sure. I never felt guilty because I never once considered her travelling overseas without me as a possibility.