Could you be separated from your Dc

[Frostythesnowperson]

For four or so days?

Dd is only 3 years old, I’m pregnant with our second.
We live abroad and having been back to the U.K. since before she was born. We were due to, but then covid hit and now pregnancy.
My parents have been over a fair amount to see Dd, but dps family hasn’t met her. His mum hasn’t been abroad and feels too ill too, his sister etc could have visited but haven’t.
It feels wrong that Dd hasn’t met them and the onus seems to be on us to get over there, do you think that’s right firstly?
Secondly, I’ve suffered many pregnancy losses and am a high risk pregnancy so won’t risk flying. This would mean dp would have to take our 3 year old alone for a few days.
I really don’t think I can do this, we’ve never been apart and I also think it will be really overwhelming for her?
After baby comes along, I don’t know when the next chance would be to get over. With a new baby, toddler/young child, covid etc, it seems a big stress.

What’s the solution here, what would you do?

I did it with both of mine at different times. It was necessary and they were both fine about it.

If your DD is with her father I see no problem. You might be surprised at how easy it turns out to be. I know that as a mum, you always think that your children will be overwhelmed if not with you, but when the event happens, they are fine.

@Stuckhere2021 No, it’s about Dd. Although secondary issues are being pregnant etc and if something happens.

I do think it would be more beneficial for me being there, we’ve never been apart, she doesn’t know them, I’m pretty strict with her routine etc, for her own benefit, I can imagine her not sleeping well and being overtired and upset, maybe overwhelmed.

@PlanDeRaccordement It’s not just the plane ride, not that at all really. It’s the distance and the changes in her routine and environment

Well of course you can imagine lots of things to support your worries. Doesn’t mean they’re likely.

@SpidersAreShitheads That’s exactly how I feel, about all of it!

I also think they should have come to us, but constantly do the guilt trip about never having met her. My family have made it over numerous times, which I’m very grateful for

I could have but wouldn’t have liked it. But honestly, my partner wouldn’t have expected that of me or our children. He’d have said his family need to come to us in those circumstances. Both my children would have struggled without me being with them at that age. By age 6, they’d have been happy for the adventure but at 3, no.

@RowanAlong It’s just mil (no fil) she sometimes needs a wheelchair, but sil has offered to come and help etc.
But mil didn’t ever come once even before wheelchair issues etc, she’s never been abroad and can’t see her ever coming, therefore the responsibility is on us.
Dp would love her to come out and we’ve offered to pay before

Thing is, it will also be fairly hard getting over with a newborn and toddler won’t it? Eurgh it all seems such hard work and expense for four of us to have to go to, when there’s never any effort on the other side

Nope. I couldn’t do that. And I don’t know what the best solution would be, sorry.

Just been on my first long weekend away (fri to mon) and my DC are 14 and 15 so no I couldn’t have done it. I wanted them with me all the time though

@PlanDeRaccordement

Yes. No problem here. I was off on business trips of 1week to 6weeks as soon as youngest DC hit 6 months of age. One time I was even “trapped” in the South Atlantic on a remote island for a few months when my DC were 1, 3, 5, and 7. I missed them, but my DH was a fantastic father with a hardly ever has to travel job and so it was all good.

I want to hear more about being trapped on a remote island in the South Atlantic! Were you kidnapped on Tristan de Cunha? A lighthousekeeper on Saint Helena? Kept hostage by elephant seals onInaccessible Island?

OP, I’d be fine with it. DH has often taken DS (now 9) abroad without me, since he was a baby, and I’ve travelled for work. DS has also stayed with his grandparents in another country since he was three or four, and had a great time being treated like a Child Messiah.

Your DP needs to start doing more at home to practice managing her routine if he wants to do this.
I imagine you both knew that mil had never been abroad when you emigrated. Did you have any conversations back then about travel, and how it would work?
Obviously covid adds an extra layer of difficulty, but it sounds like this problem was always going to surface at some point.

I travelled quite a bit with a baby and toddler. It was stressful but worth it.

@GrapesAreMyJam But if we had a night away, where would she go? All our family in the U.K.

This exact scenario came up for me and I said no. Didn't even think it over, no way I would have let my DD into another country! But I've had all kinds of trouble in the past before kids with visas and borders closing, oof yeah, no way.

Must be so hard I have but it’s been me that left them and they were with my DH at home I’m not sure I could let them go that young abroad though it was hard enough when ds1 went to new York with school and he was 13 and with trusted teachers
I would leave it till next year and you all go over

@Igneo Well, before Dd, we’ve always been back there and visited, she’s never once come out in all the years we’ve been here. Having a child, covid and pregnancy has completely changed that way of doing things for us.

I would but my 3yo wouldn’t care. She’d probably ask where mummy was but she wouldn’t lose any sleep over it & would mostly just be beyond excited to go on the trip. I would send her to see DH’s parents with him though for sure, it would be worth any discomfort for me for her to get to know her grandparents (who she has also been separated from since she was 3 months old because we moved to North America and then Covid).

@Crazycakelady17 That would be 4 years though, without them meeting Dd

If you're having a high risk pregnancy, surely there's quite a chance you could end up admitted to hospital for more than a night, when you give birth. Your DD will have to be away from you then and your DP will need to take over. This would be good practice for them, though as PPs have said, build up to it if you can.

As the ones who moved away, it's on you to facilitate contact, not on them to come out to wherever you are. Not everyone likes to travel, especially if they are not in the best of health.

@Happyhappyday I’m not sure how Dd would react. She’s not the type to cry for me really, but a few days away in a totally new place with new people, is a different thing

DH’s parents certainly don’t guilt trip us for not visiting but also, we moved away and this was always going to be part of the deal for us living abroad. It was naive of you to expect otherwise.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect her to travel. But it’s also unreasonable of her to expect your family to travel until you are ready for it. A bit of acceptance that they aren’t going to have much of a relationship on both sides is needed.
It’ll be more rewarding for your kids to build a relationship their grandma once they are 7+ anyhow.

@RagzReturnsRebooted We’ve always been the ones to go back there. I feel a balance would be fairer! My parents and sister always come out here and understand the situation.
Even when in perfect health, she never came out 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think our situation is a lot more complicated now