AIBU - husband called 3 year old a liar and a thief

[RunLassieRun]

Just looking for other people's opinions. We have a 3 year old. Three old got a hold of his daddy's work van keys and we couldn't find them.
My husband was saying, wee shit, moron, stupid child. He kept asking my son if he knew where they were and he said no. I don't think my son was lying, he just didn't know where he put them.
When he found them ( in a cupboard) he came in and angrily said, you're a liar and a thief. I'm taking all of your lego away. My poor son said, ok.
I'm just really feeling so sad. Like , he didn't need to act like this.

When we were away once, my ds who was 4 at the time lost my engagement ring. We were in a hotel and I’d left it on the bedside table where he could reach do it was totally my fault. I knew he must have moved it but I also knew that when he said he hadn’t he had simply forgotten because he was 4!! It turned up after we had pretty much given up, ds had pushed it inside a bottle top!!! I didn’t tell him off and even though I was worried sick that it had gone for good I tried my best not to worry ds and made it a game.

Kids don’t understand the value of things, they just play and that is exactly how it should be. Your husband was nasty and unreasonable and I wouldn’t want someone like this around my dc.

My guess your husband was treated like that as a kid. He might not remember that or think of his childhood in that way (or might).

If so he needs urgent therapy to work that stuff out else it’s going to rear it’s head throughout your sons childhood.

So he needs to pay for therapy and fast.

1. Your husband should hang his keys on a hook, out of reach of your boy.
2. Your husband is a bullying bastard.
3. Protect your son from that kind of abuse.
4. Tell your husband he needs anger management at the very least.

I once turned up to work with the tv remote in my laptop bag. It's what three years olds do!

Why is he holding a toddler accountable for his failure to put his keys away?

I knew he'd get up this morning and act like nothing happened. This is all deliberate to make you think that any reaction from you is over the top and unfair. If you raise it with him, he will DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender) and probably get angry. He'll tell you that you're being completely unreasonable, maybe even you imagined all or part of it, he'll minimise his own behaviour and find a way to blame you (if you had taught your son properly/put the keys somewhere safe/didn't always question him and undermine his parenting...)

I can predict this, because abusers are all the same. They follow the same patterns and act in the same ways.

He may, if you keep pushing back, start acting very remorsefully. Tell you he was so stressed, he couldn't cope. He knows it was wrong but he just felt he'd been pushed so far. He's been stressed, depressed, his own childhood was terrible, he's done so well to stop drinking, you don't have as much sex with him these days and he feels left out, whatever, whatever and of course it will never happen again, let's have couples therapy.

So you feel sorry for him. It's all okay for a while. Then it's the next thing.

I know people will turn up on this thread to defend this man's behaviour because there will be a call to action on some incel site somewhere. But take it from someone who knows: abusers all have the same pattern. You can't change him, so you need to decide what to do about him. Talk to your sister and your mum together, maybe? It sounds like they will want to support you.

My heart just broke a little for your poor boy just going “ok” at his lego being taken.
My DH struggled a bit sometimes and when that would happen I would chime in “she’s 3 (or insert age!)” which seemed enough to remind him that he needs to lower his expectations. It got better quickly.

For what this is worth, we’ve spent a fortune on keys over the years. Kids have lost them, I’ve washed them, DH has dropped them. No ones done anything other than “your a dickhead” laughed and rolled eyes.
It happens. It’s also what kids do.
I’d have a serious chat, saying it’s not on. Lower your expectations, he’s three. That’s not how you talk to, or punish a three year old... for being a child.
As for the thief comment, a three year old knows what their toys are, but the sofa? Whose is that? Their bed? Theirs or the receipt holder. As far as they are concerned everything in their house is pretty much fair game

I have a 2year old son. This thread just makes my heartbreak for your poor wee guy.
I don’t even want to imagine the little face just replying “ok” to loosing his lego.
Your husband is just an ass.

@Snoozer11

Fucking hell, some of these responses.

Your son shouldn't have touched his dad's car keys. Wallets, keys, purses are out of bounds for children.

It sounds like he was stressed and annoyed. We all handle things badly when we feel like that.

What did you do when this was going on?

Yes, we all get stressed and annoyed.

No, it isn't normal to scream and shout, and swear about and to your very young child.

I don't know any decent parent who would consider the husband's behaviour as acceptable, not even when under stress.

@RunLassieRun

What does LTB mean? He was really stressed - had a long day etc. I know it's not right though. My heart was breaking for my son.

Please don’t make excuses for him. He’s a bully and a cruel man. Also he shouldn’t have the left the keys where a young child could take them. Your poor little boy. I doubt this is a one off either.

Was he saying this to your son or ranting in a room by himself while looking for keys?

@Newgirls

My guess your husband was treated like that as a kid. He might not remember that or think of his childhood in that way (or might).

If so he needs urgent therapy to work that stuff out else it’s going to rear it’s head throughout your sons childhood.

So he needs to pay for therapy and fast.

This is such a cop out. The “it’s how I was brought up” excuse.

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. It’s so damaging. I’ve never abused my children or screamed at them like this.

I don’t think he needs therapy to see that he’s being cruel and abusive.

@RunLassieRun

Normally, the keys are kept up high. But, because my husband was sleeping in a separate room because I had covid , they were kept on a low down hook so he got to them. I know he shouldn't have acted like this. I am angry at him but so sad for our son and so f*cking annoyed at myself. My son was already in bed and I was through in his bedroom when he came in to say he was a thief and a liar. Before that, he was looking for them, calling him a little s*it etc. He wasn't saying that to him but still. I know it's not right.

So he wasnt saying this to your son?

I don't think this is necessarily 'LTB' territory, but it is 'Major Come to Jesus' talk territory. What he said to you about his very young child is totally unacceptable. Taking the poor kid's Lego away is completely OTT. He's the adult, he should have made sure the keys were not accessible to his 3 year old.

If his response to the talk is anger, excuses or anything other than grovelling and a sincerely expressed desire to change (which is then acted on immediately), it's time to LTB.

I am not surprised that your son was not able to tell him where he put the keys. He was probably terrified of an adult behaving in this way. Children should not grow up in fear. On a practical note, did your DH not have a spare? This seems to be more of a problem than your DC borrow them. Lots of kids love to play with keys, and over the coming years there will be plenty which will leave your DH cross. He cannot react like this every time something happens.

What does LTB mean? He was really stressed - had a long day etc.

And I assume you just stood there with a sad face and didn't say a thing?
I would be ripping my DH another one. Stressed or not stressed, we are talking a 3y old here. They don't know the meaning of things, they take something and forget.

What do you want to hear from us?

I'll presume you did the know he was insane when you married him, or brought a child into the world with him?

That's what he is; INSANE.

He's also abusive.

I'm really sorry but youre going to gave to fev your son away from him, and ideally go for supervised access .... because he's not fit to becariund or lokn after a child.

You need to speak to women's aid, please show them what you said in this thread.

our little boy was already in bed when your DH came in to shout at him? poor kid

I probably wouldn't leave over this, unless it's a repeated behaviour - however, I know in that same situation I would've told my DH to wind his neck in, the child is 3, stop being a dick. The fact that you didn't feel able to do that, even though you knew it was out of order is worrying really. I think you need to really think about why you fought your instincts to protect you DS - are you scared of your DH? Your description of an ordinarily calm, involved dad jars with your reaction to this. Is he really how you describe? Only you know the answer to that.

If it is exactly how you describe I'd be having serious words with him about his expectations and behaviour towards a 3 year old. Not acceptable at all. But then, if he's as you describe then he really should come to that conclusion himself. We have all lost it with kids - well, I have anyway - but I didn't need coaching into accepting I was a dick and apologising, does your DH?

My friends little one took a wad of cash from her dads drawer and shared it with all the kids in the close to go to the ice cream van 🙈 Kids do random shit!

Read how @muchtootired dealt with situation and try to learn from her. Missing a hospital appointment is a much bigger deal. My sister's son at 4 years old played with his little castle play set and had a treasure box. He went into parents bedroom and took my sister's engagement ring and put into treasure box. It was an old play set and my sister gave it away as just before Xmas and Santa was going to bring a huge Playmobile castle. She noticed her engagement ring was missing, searched all over house and even put in claim on her house insurance. She was very upset. Her son saw her sad and said what's the matter Mummy? She told him she was sad as she had lost engagement ring. He said I will get it and went looking for castle play set. She told him it had gone to a new little boy because he was 4 now and wanted a big castle. He said the ring is in my treasure box. It is treasure. She got ring back. No one got angry at child. She hugged him because he helped her get ring back. Your partner is a bully. You need to set him straight. You won't tolerate bullying of a child or yourself. Why did you not say anything to your partner? Are you afraid of him?

You pack up and go stay with your family with your son so you're not there
Leave a Dear John note that says " I was so shocked by how you treated our son I've left with him"
You take time off work if you can
So that your husband realises he's better do some reflecting and that you won't let him treat DS or any child like this

Then you talk in a few days and if DH isn't gutted and sorry about how he behaved, you know you've a bigger issue . I expect given your description of him, he'll back down and be apologetic

Even with COVID you are allowed to escape a worrying situation at home (are you past Covid isolation period yet?)

@beastlyslumber

I knew he'd get up this morning and act like nothing happened. This is all deliberate to make you think that any reaction from you is over the top and unfair. If you raise it with him, he will DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender) and probably get angry. He'll tell you that you're being completely unreasonable, maybe even you imagined all or part of it, he'll minimise his own behaviour and find a way to blame you (if you had taught your son properly/put the keys somewhere safe/didn't always question him and undermine his parenting...)

I can predict this, because abusers are all the same. They follow the same patterns and act in the same ways.

He may, if you keep pushing back, start acting very remorsefully. Tell you he was so stressed, he couldn't cope. He knows it was wrong but he just felt he'd been pushed so far. He's been stressed, depressed, his own childhood was terrible, he's done so well to stop drinking, you don't have as much sex with him these days and he feels left out, whatever, whatever and of course it will never happen again, let's have couples therapy.

So you feel sorry for him. It's all okay for a while. Then it's the next thing.

I know people will turn up on this thread to defend this man's behaviour because there will be a call to action on some incel site somewhere. But take it from someone who knows: abusers all have the same pattern. You can't change him, so you need to decide what to do about him. Talk to your sister and your mum together, maybe? It sounds like they will want to support you.

Great post.

OP, read this a couple of times.

Thanks all, I've messaged my sister which is something I likely wouldn't have done if it weren't for people taking the time to write on here.
I've just been trying to give my son a nice day today. I told him what his dad did was completely wrong and he must never do it again. His dad won't be home until dinner. I think he'll stay out of our way as much as he can tonight.
I'll try and put things in place for it just being us soon.

I almost never post on AIBU threads but this DH's reaction was so over the top and unpleasant I just wanted to say to the OP, next time your DH misplaces something of yours or messes up in other ways please just tell him that he is all of the things he called your DS and that you are taking his golf clubs/bike/tv remote or whatever else his obsession is.

Good for you messaging your sister, OP. I hope she'll be able to give you some support. You deserve support and probably need a hug from someone who loves you. There's help and resources out there for you and your son. Keep talking xx

Sounds like you have made up your mind and have had enough.

Best of luck with getting organised.

Thank you both xx