AIBU - husband called 3 year old a liar and a thief

[RunLassieRun]

Just looking for other people's opinions. We have a 3 year old. Three old got a hold of his daddy's work van keys and we couldn't find them.
My husband was saying, wee shit, moron, stupid child. He kept asking my son if he knew where they were and he said no. I don't think my son was lying, he just didn't know where he put them.
When he found them ( in a cupboard) he came in and angrily said, you're a liar and a thief. I'm taking all of your lego away. My poor son said, ok.
I'm just really feeling so sad. Like , he didn't need to act like this.

I wouldn't leave your husband over this. It's not nice what he said, but it sounds like he has been looking after you and your son while you've had Covid. He had a moment of anger, like we all occasionally do. I think you are being unfair to your husband, he sounds like a good man. Of course, if this happens regularly, that would be different. But if it's a one off, god no don't leave him. We've all said similar or worse with children surely, it's really not that big a deal in the scheme of things, especially measured against what he does for you and son as a husband and father. If that's his only transgression you're doing pretty well.

Fucking hell, some of these responses.

Your son shouldn't have touched his dad's car keys. Wallets, keys, purses are out of bounds for children.

It sounds like he was stressed and annoyed. We all handle things badly when we feel like that.

What did you do when this was going on?

@Snoozer11

Fucking hell, some of these responses.

Your son shouldn't have touched his dad's car keys. Wallets, keys, purses are out of bounds for children.

It sounds like he was stressed and annoyed. We all handle things badly when we feel like that.

What did you do when this was going on?

No he shouldn't, but you shouldn't call a 3 year a wee shit or a moron though.

'Fucking hell, some of these responses.

Your son shouldn't have touched his dad's car keys. Wallets, keys, purses are out of bounds for children.

It sounds like he was stressed and annoyed. We all handle things badly when we feel like that.

What did you do when this was going on?'

'No he shouldn't, but you shouldn't call a 3 year a wee shit or a moron though.'

No - nor a thief and a liar either. The child is three. He didn't 'handle things badly', ffs. He lost his temper completely completely, called his small child a shit, a moron, a liar and a thief - which is mental, for the avoidance of doubt - and took away his toys. He's a dickturd.

@Snoozer11

Fucking hell, some of these responses.

Your son shouldn't have touched his dad's car keys. Wallets, keys, purses are out of bounds for children.

It sounds like he was stressed and annoyed. We all handle things badly when we feel like that.

What did you do when this was going on?

So you speak to your own children like this? And write it off as 'handling it badly'? Really?

Fucking hell, some of these responses.

Oh yes indeed. They are shocking. Not the ones you think are shocking though, @Snoozer11

@RunLassieRun, and also @TaraRhu, the men you are partnered with are not worth your time or your energy or your loyalty, and they will destroy your children if you stay with them.

No excuse. None. Poor, poor little boy. Your husband needs something, whether it’s counseling, medication or an arse kicking.

You need to leave and protect your son.

Typical Mumsnet with their abbreviations to leave the bastard.

@RunLassieRun. You know that it isn’t right for your husband to have done this. It is unacceptable but my goodness 3 year olds push a persons buttons! Sit down and speak to your husband. See what really was going on.xx

It is unacceptable but my goodness 3 year olds push a persons buttons!

So verbal abuse is fine as long as someone has pushed your buttons?

OK lets assume this is a one off after a long week and it is not you DH's usual behaviour.

This HAS to be a one off.

There are two adults and a 3 year old in the house. Three year olds take things to look at and then leave them in unexpected places, they post letters through a gap in floorboards, out the post box and down the toilet. Be thankful we all have streaming / digital TV because they used to put things in VHS recorders, toast was a favorite.

That's what 3 year olds do.

This is why adults put things out of reach.

One of an adult's many jobs (not just parents) is to model good behavior and appropriate responses.

A Parent, should among other things, provide a place of safety for their child.

This was keys, it could have been alcohol or medication, or a glass ornament, or 1000 other things a child might want to look at but an adult has a duty to keep them away from.

Yes please do tell your DH to read this. Parenting is a fucking hard job, it's one of the reasons I never had children.

Life can be tiring, difficult, draining but none of that is the fault of a 3 year old.

It sounds as if your husband was at the end of his tether. I do recall a toddler hiding the recipe book while I was trying out a new recipe and I was half way though and he'd put the book somewhere. I was a bit stressed at the time with stuff simmering. I would talk to your husband. Hopefully he does really know your son didn't mean to cause huge stress or be deliberately dishonest. I wouldn't leave the father of my children simply because he lost his temper in a stressful moment and said stupid, hurtful things on one occasion. I would expect your DH to apologise to your son and explain that sometimes parents get something wrong. This is all predicated on the basis that generally your DH is a good dad. (I don't mean the type of dad of dad that some people on Mumsnet describe as a good dad when there is absolutely nothing else even remotely positive about the man in question.)

His behavior is absolutely unacceptable. He is bullying a baby. Please don't feel as if you are caught between the two of them. This is not acceptable. Stand up for your child. Go to a counselor to figure out how to deal with this if you need to, starting now.

He sounds like he terrorised your son over his missing van keys. Are you ok that your son is being terrorised? He also took his Lego off you son and your son meekly agreed with him.

Stressed or not, and who isn’t these days, I wouldn’t let anyone bully and distress a 3 year old.
You know what you should do.

At what age to some of you think a child a stops being a baby and b is old enough to learn right from long, it seems that a lot of mn think children should be able to do what they like with no consequences.

Your husband is a nasty bastard

@RunLassieRun. I’d actually not trust Mumsnet with this question. It’s honestly quite a toxic and judgmental place at times.

I hope you are ok.xx

Words have so much power and can invoke so much in a grown adult, let alone a tiny child. Sickening.

@Pixxie7

At what age to some of you think a child a stops being a baby and b is old enough to learn right from long, it seems that a lot of mn think children should be able to do what they like with no consequences.

As early as possible in an age appropriate way. Eg saying no and removing their hands from things they shouldn't touch. That's a good start for a just mobile child who is touching things that might be dangerous. You build on that over time. Physically moving them away from things. Then as their understanding increases you can introduce longer communications and explanations again in an age appropriate way. When they do something wrong how you deal with that depends whether they a)did it deliberately or not and b) whether they understand the effect what they were doing would have on others. Eg you tell them it's not kind to snatch a toy and you make them give it back and say sorry. You tell them off if they clonk a child over the head with that toy and the consequence there is after making them say sorry, you take them and leave. Etc etc etc

At what age do you think a parent should call their child "wee shit, moron, stupid child."
At what age do you think a parent should angrily call their child "a liar and a thief. "

@Pixxie7

Why are people on man so quick to break up relationships yes he handled it Bradley but abusive not really. A 3 year old is capable of knowing that there are certain things that belong to other people and should be left alone.

Telling him off is one thing but this was way beyond that. Don't minimise it

I know.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to reply.

He's away out to work, left at 7. We were still in bed, watching cartoons.

Yeah, I've lost all respect for him. Yet, a few days ago, I was messaging my friends saying I don't know what I'd do without him as he was being amazing.

I'm just so angry.

@ED81

Typical Mumsnet with their abbreviations to leave the bastard.

@RunLassieRun. You know that it isn’t right for your husband to have done this. It is unacceptable but my goodness 3 year olds push a persons buttons! Sit down and speak to your husband. See what really was going on.xx

So it's the three year-old's fault?

Okay...

@RunLassieRun

I know.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to reply.

He's away out to work, left at 7. We were still in bed, watching cartoons.

Yeah, I've lost all respect for him. Yet, a few days ago, I was messaging my friends saying I don't know what I'd do without him as he was being amazing.

I'm just so angry.

I thought he was wfh?

So he hasn't even go e to the effort to ensure ds is OK today? Even try and make amends?

Aside from the name calling, bullying, aggression from the dh. I do think it's really awful that he let him go to sleep feeling the way he was.

And then bothered even trying to speak to him or anything this morning?

Poor, poor little lad.

I genuinely think it is really sad and quite concerning that anyone could think calling a child a wee shit, a moron, a stupid child, a liar and a thief was anything other than abusive.