AIBU - husband called 3 year old a liar and a thief

[RunLassieRun]

Just looking for other people's opinions. We have a 3 year old. Three old got a hold of his daddy's work van keys and we couldn't find them.
My husband was saying, wee shit, moron, stupid child. He kept asking my son if he knew where they were and he said no. I don't think my son was lying, he just didn't know where he put them.
When he found them ( in a cupboard) he came in and angrily said, you're a liar and a thief. I'm taking all of your lego away. My poor son said, ok.
I'm just really feeling so sad. Like , he didn't need to act like this.

@RunLassieRun

What does LTB mean? He was really stressed - had a long day etc. I know it's not right though. My heart was breaking for my son.

What did you do during this?

Yes, I know I need to speak to him about it.
I might actually show him this thread so he realises I'm not over reacting.

@nxyly I grew up with a dad who called me worse day in and day out, believe me that I’m not defending abuse. There’s no back story given here, benefit of the doubt that it was a one off. DH might have gone to bed early to hang his head in shame and cry himself to sleep at being a shit. He might not. Too much we don’t know to LTB for what might have been a nasty blip.

At least he now has keys to a van he can sleep in. Protect your child from this awful bully

I was just shocked tbh and didn't say anything but once he'd left the room I gave my son a cuddle. Argh I know.

Shocked? Or feeling like you shouldn't/couldn't say anything?

If someone nor your dh, did this....what would you do?

I suspect you are frightened of him and this isn't the first time he has lost his temper.

OP this is kind of language and general treatment is going to be so damaging to your son in the long run. Cuddles from you won't cancel it out. He's little more than a baby and is being treated like this already. Your husband needs professional help with his parenting at the very, very least.

[quote SockFluffInTheBath]@nxyly I grew up with a dad who called me worse day in and day out, believe me that I’m not defending abuse. There’s no back story given here, benefit of the doubt that it was a one off. DH might have gone to bed early to hang his head in shame and cry himself to sleep at being a shit. He might not. Too much we don’t know to LTB for what might have been a nasty blip.[/quote]
Firstly, I didn't say 'ltb'. So not sure where you are getting that from. My comment in reply, was to your justification taht he was stressed AND people thought it was awful because they think they are perfect. The sneer at anyone who thinks this isn't ok or that op should protect her son is quite unbelievable.

This is abuse. As pp said, there's a huge gap between what he did and parents who are good parents but not perfect.

I am sorry, you were abused. But having it worse doesn't make this ok. It doesn't need to be every day.

And actually, I think doing this before bed makes it's a lot worse. A child shouldn't be going to sleep with this as their last interaction of the day with their parent.

Yeah you're right in that he was so angry I just wanted him to go away. I should have spoken up. He likely would have been angry at me at that point but who cares - I should have for the sake of my son.
My husband has gone to bed and will be feeling shameful, I'm sure. Hence why the downstairs is spotless. But still..

I mislay our keys all the time & my DH never gives me abuse, and I'm a grown adult not a 3 year old child.
How will your husband react when bigger things happen - smashed phone, broken telly, lost cash, whatever?
If he will flip over some keys, I'd be worried about how it will escalate. And what if yiur child answers back?

Just awful OP.

Poor child.

You know this is very very wrong and damaging.

I can understand that you must be very upset with yourself for allowing this to continue.

Is he normally very short tempered?

If he is, you have a real problem.

Do not have another child with him and perhaps give Women's aid a call for advice if there is a pattern of poor behaviour.

If this truly is a one off, then you need to take him aside and point out how completely unacceptable his behaviour was.

hes abusing a 3yr old.

The thing is, children's speech often develops faster than their other cognitive abilities. So often if you ask a small child a question he will know what answer to give, but not now to match an answer to reality. And they certainly can't remember where they have left things. So if you ask a 3 year old - especially in a stressed angry way - "where are the keys?" it's not remotely surprising that the answer is "I don't know" or because the 3 year old genuinely doesn't know, and thinks that's the right answer. Of course he isn't lying. You need to explain to your husband that just because you DS is old enough to use words to answer the question doesn't mean he is old enough to meaningfully answer it. "Lying" is a concept you can only just start to explain to a 3 year old.

But frankly, even if your son was 13, not 3, and had been careless with the keys, calling him a shit is not on. If your husband feels dreadful about it tomorrow and apologies to DS and gives him his Lego back, maybe you can write it down to a never to be repeated one off. But if this is a start of a pattern, you have a massive problem on your hands. And your job is to protect your DC by standing up for him - not to try to make peace by keeping quiet.

@nyxly my comments about LTB were at the general response in here, not at you specifically we’ve just got tangled up. I wanted to give the benefit if the doubt, I hope I’m right to

You know you it’s your job to protect your son from verbal and emotional abuse right?

Yeah, that’s totally unacceptable and very nasty indeed.

So shocked by him calling his 3 year old son a liar and a thief, where does that even come from?

You are enabling and excusing your H’s abusive behaviour . Give that some thought

He likely would have been angry at me at that point but who cares - I should have for the sake of my son.

I doubt that it would have helped. Possibly, but clearly he was already comfortable behaving in front of you in this way.

Thats horrible op. No man should speak to a small child like that. Poor child, the fact that he said okay suggests he is used to it and accepts its his fault, which is even more worried. Don't be sad be mad.

You want to show him the thread, because you think he'll accuse you of overreacting.

He verbally abused and bullied your child, and you're worried that you need back up to talk to him about it, because he's going to say you're overreacting.

You know what should be happening right now? He should be sitting in front of you, hanging his head in shame, begging you to give him a chance to make this right. He should be working out how to make amends to you and your child. He should be confronting what on earth has made him think it's okay to bully a tiny defenceless child. But no. He's gone to bed. He's going to get up tomorrow and act like nothing happened.

I think you need some support, OP. Do you have a mum or sister or friend you can talk to? This is serious.

This isn’t about keys
This is him using your baby as a whipping boy for his disgusting temper
I hope you leave him it’s beyond sad and so depressing to think there are men that treat their little boys like this :(

Emotional abuse, pure and simple.

Sounds like it’s been a hell of an evening.

He was undoubtedly stressed and panicking and (inexcusably) took it out on your son.

Go to sleep on it and tomorrow when the dust has settled say how fucking terrible you found his behaviour and that he owes your son an apology.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know about future behaviour. I have had times when I’ve absolutely lost it and shouted terribly at the children, in the morning I apologise and say mummy was upset and took it out on you and that was wrong of me.

We all lose our rag from time to time but how we make amends is really what matters. Has he ever done this before?

@SummerInSun

The thing is, children's speech often develops faster than their other cognitive abilities. So often if you ask a small child a question he will know what answer to give, but not now to match an answer to reality. And they certainly can't remember where they have left things. So if you ask a 3 year old - especially in a stressed angry way - "where are the keys?" it's not remotely surprising that the answer is "I don't know" or because the 3 year old genuinely doesn't know, and thinks that's the right answer. Of course he isn't lying. You need to explain to your husband that just because you DS is old enough to use words to answer the question doesn't mean he is old enough to meaningfully answer it. "Lying" is a concept you can only just start to explain to a 3 year old.

But frankly, even if your son was 13, not 3, and had been careless with the keys, calling him a shit is not on. If your husband feels dreadful about it tomorrow and apologies to DS and gives him his Lego back, maybe you can write it down to a never to be repeated one off. But if this is a start of a pattern, you have a massive problem on your hands. And your job is to protect your DC by standing up for him - not to try to make peace by keeping quiet.

I know this. I did say to him that he won't know where the keys are - he's not trying to lie, he just doesn't know. Yeah, he's an absolute bastard for doing what he's done this evening. I'm just looking at my son sleeping and feel so much guilt. Tomorrow, he think he's working from home anyway. He might have covid by then, who knows. But yes I think I need to start putting a plan in place. My son loves his dad and like I said, he's never done this to him before. This is too far though, I mean who acts like that?!

[quote SockFluffInTheBath]@nyxly my comments about LTB were at the general response in here, not at you specifically we’ve just got tangled up. I wanted to give the benefit if the doubt, I hope I’m right to [/quote]
I know ltb isn't easy. I left my bastard. So I don't post it. People leave when they are ready. Not because people post it.

My point was simply that recognising that this isn't normal parental frustration. It's bullying. And pointing this out doesn't mean you think you are 'perfect'.

If a teacher or even other relative acted like this, there be no excuses.