AIBU - husband called 3 year old a liar and a thief

[RunLassieRun]

Just looking for other people's opinions. We have a 3 year old. Three old got a hold of his daddy's work van keys and we couldn't find them.
My husband was saying, wee shit, moron, stupid child. He kept asking my son if he knew where they were and he said no. I don't think my son was lying, he just didn't know where he put them.
When he found them ( in a cupboard) he came in and angrily said, you're a liar and a thief. I'm taking all of your lego away. My poor son said, ok.
I'm just really feeling so sad. Like , he didn't need to act like this.

@beastlyslumber

You want to show him the thread, because you think he'll accuse you of overreacting.

He verbally abused and bullied your child, and you're worried that you need back up to talk to him about it, because he's going to say you're overreacting.

You know what should be happening right now? He should be sitting in front of you, hanging his head in shame, begging you to give him a chance to make this right. He should be working out how to make amends to you and your child. He should be confronting what on earth has made him think it's okay to bully a tiny defenceless child. But no. He's gone to bed. He's going to get up tomorrow and act like nothing happened.

I think you need some support, OP. Do you have a mum or sister or friend you can talk to? This is serious.

You're right, he probably will get up and act like nothing happened, until I bring it up.

My family are hundreds of miles away. I think I need to get a job near them so I can move . I might message my sister but no one can come at the moment/ we can't go anywhere due to Covid. I'm also due back in school next week ( I'm a teacher). I feel like such failure as I teach so many children who have been through trauma and now my son has. I really hope he doesn't remember this long term. He really is my life.

@Nyxly sadly you’re entirely right.

Do you have any friends at school you can talk to? I'm so sorry, it must feel so overwhelming at the moment. There is also Women's Aid who may be useful to talk to. I do think it would be good to talk to someone in real life who can support you to think this all through.

You're not a failure. It sounds like you were scared of your husband's anger and didn't know what best to do in the moment. Then he acts as though it's all normal, so you feel like it's hard to say anything, or you're going to provoke his anger by raising it again. The problem is that these things are rarely just a 'one-off'. Even if it's never happened before, you now have to face the very real situation that it's likely to happen again. So it will really help to have someone you can talk to honestly about that and work out what you need to do.

Has he shouted at you before?

Your husband was angry and he couldn't control his anger so he took it out on your 3yo.

My mum used to regularly call me names. She was horrible and I was scared of her when she got angry. I don't have much to do with her anymore. My step dad used to sit back and watch. Sometimes I'd get a hug after it was over and my mum wasn't in the room anymore. He'd tell me she didn't mean it and I hadn't done anything wrong. But I don't bother with him much either. It simply wasn't good enough.

Its a big shit that calls a little boy a "wee shit"
Disgraceful

Poor child, he's 3 for gods sake, please stand up for your son and put a stop to your partners bullying behaviour, so he's stressed, so what? Aren't we all? Please don't make excuses for him, you do know it won't be a one off don't you?

This. Your son is scared

What a disgusting man

YANBU, he shouldn't be calling an LO (or anyone) a shit etc and yelling at them. He has a temper and I really dislike that in a man.

What is he like in other ways @RunLassieRun ?

It is not that he got angry - stressed, long day, cant find car keys - not surprising, we all go there. But to cross from that to calling names is the problem here. And he used many. To me that shows a really troubling attitude to other people. And to do it to a small child is beyond despicable. I remember my uncle calling my 10 cousin an idiot for something she had done - completely lost all respect for him and never recovered it.

@RunLassieRun

What does LTB mean? He was really stressed - had a long day etc. I know it's not right though. My heart was breaking for my son.

Leave the Bastard

Not right? Don't you dare blame stress.

We've all been cross, but that was way beyond cross.

Your poor DC

@RunLassieRun

Normally, the keys are kept up high. But, because my husband was sleeping in a separate room because I had covid , they were kept on a low down hook so he got to them. I know he shouldn't have acted like this. I am angry at him but so sad for our son and so f*cking annoyed at myself. My son was already in bed and I was through in his bedroom when he came in to say he was a thief and a liar. Before that, he was looking for them, calling him a little s*it etc. He wasn't saying that to him but still. I know it's not right.

What's covid got to do with where he put the keys?

He needs to find a safe place to put his important stuff and you need to find your spine! Tell him if this happens again, next week or in 10 years you and your son will be leaving. This is not OK.

I know, it's so wrong what he did. He was SO angry. He makes dinners, cleans, plays with our son, buys him toys, takes him out if I need to do work.
This was like a Jekyll and Hyde moment.

I think that's why I was so shocked, I was like , who is this man?!
I don't know who I can speak to about it. My mum was so worried when I had covid, my sister will tell my mum. Maybe my auntie but I'd find it so hard telling her what he actually said.
My main priority is making sure it doesn't happen again. So I need to look for a job near my family so we can move out.

He’s a bully

@Nanny They weren't in their usual place as he was in a different room.

OP,
Your reaction to leave and look for another job implies this can't be a complete aberration?

It’s good to see you realise his behaviour to your son was so wrong, OP.

@RunLassieRun

I know, it's so wrong what he did. He was SO angry. He makes dinners, cleans, plays with our son, buys him toys, takes him out if I need to do work. This was like a Jekyll and Hyde moment. I think that's why I was so shocked, I was like , who is this man?! I don't know who I can speak to about it. My mum was so worried when I had covid, my sister will tell my mum. Maybe my auntie but I'd find it so hard telling her what he actually said. My main priority is making sure it doesn't happen again. So I need to look for a job near my family so we can move out.

He’s got you almost brainwashed

See his horrible bullying outburst for what it is. The work of a nasty man.
The hands on dad shit doesn’t mitigate for that.
This will stick with your son and he will eventually hate you both for it so stop that and make sure it’s only his father carries that ignominy .

He needs to do some parenting classes. This level of not having a clue is really upsetting. How on earth is he going to parent his son when he is a teenager?

I agree with @billy1966 . He must also be unpleasant in other ways-verbal abuse, sexual nagging or whatever. In which case it makes Leave The Bastard even more cut and dried.

Have read through this thread. You have posted this as something that shocked you, took you by surprise, as in your DH has never done this before. You have not even spoken to him about it after the event but you are planning on leaving him based on this incident without any discussion about the event? You yourself say he's been very stressed managing everything while you have had Covid. Now what he did was way out of line in a big way but if he's remorseful about it and it's a one off, which I very much hope it is, is breaking up a family really what you should be planning?? Seems very bizarre unless there is more that we don't know about?

Obviously all the perfect parents out there will scream LTB. If this is ongoing then maybe but at the least give your DH a chance to apologise to you DS and you and take it from there?
Through the course of this post you have gone from shocked at what happened to planning a separation in the space of 2 hours! Just very odd.

I wouldn’t bother showing him this thread. Anyone capable of being so cruel to a small child isn’t likely to be moved by the opinions of people who don’t like what he did.

I know, I know. I'm a teacher - I have children push my buttons all day and of course, don't respond like he has.
In the past, I'm talking ten years ago or more, he had alcohol issues - getting very drunk. He went to counselling for it. He wasn't an alcoholic but would go out at the weekends and get absolutely wasted and call me swear words when he got home. I told him I am not xxx get help or that's it.
I think even if we move out he should still go to parenting classes as he'll still be patenting for a set time, although now I feeling he shouldn't have our son on his own.