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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - husband called 3 year old a liar and a thief

178 replies

RunLassieRun · 18/11/2021 20:43

Just looking for other people's opinions. We have a 3 year old. Three old got a hold of his daddy's work van keys and we couldn't find them.
My husband was saying, wee shit, moron, stupid child. He kept asking my son if he knew where they were and he said no. I don't think my son was lying, he just didn't know where he put them.
When he found them ( in a cupboard) he came in and angrily said, you're a liar and a thief. I'm taking all of your lego away. My poor son said, ok.
I'm just really feeling so sad. Like , he didn't need to act like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
RunLassieRun · 18/11/2021 22:33

@orangeautumnleaves

Have read through this thread. You have posted this as something that shocked you, took you by surprise, as in your DH has never done this before. You have not even spoken to him about it after the event but you are planning on leaving him based on this incident without any discussion about the event? You yourself say he's been very stressed managing everything while you have had Covid. Now what he did was way out of line in a big way but if he's remorseful about it and it's a one off, which I very much hope it is, is breaking up a family really what you should be planning?? Seems very bizarre unless there is more that we don't know about?

Obviously all the perfect parents out there will scream LTB. If this is ongoing then maybe but at the least give your DH a chance to apologise to you DS and you and take it from there?
Through the course of this post you have gone from shocked at what happened to planning a separation in the space of 2 hours! Just very odd.

Well , I want to get us away from him to be honest. In the morning I might feel different but if I could, if my family were nearby, I would leave now and stay with them.
OP posts:
Redburnett · 18/11/2021 22:33

Get rid of DH asap. He has no understanding of child development and is a threat to your DC.

WhitePhantom · 18/11/2021 22:45

Jesus my heart is breaking for your poor little boy. Being called such awful names, and just saying 'OK' when his dad told him he was going to take his lego away. He sounds like an unhappy broken-spirited little boy.

Original poster
RunLassieRun · 18/11/2021 22:47

Thanks for that.
He is actually a happy boy and is definitely full of spirit!!

OP posts:
FuckYouCorona · 18/11/2021 22:48

What a nasty bully your H is. You definitely need to LTB asap. What is the situation housing wise? Do you own or rent? Honestly, I'd contact Womens Aid & get out of there as this will only get worse. I can see things escalating when you bring up the subject tomorrow. You're already scared of him & walking on eggshells. Emotional abuse is still domestic abuse in the eyes of the law. Protect your DS & yourself. Flowers

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 18/11/2021 22:51

@endofagain

He needs to do some parenting classes. This level of not having a clue is really upsetting. How on earth is he going to parent his son when he is a teenager?
Parenting classes? Is this a joke?

Someone who is this malevolent could run rings around a parenting class Angry

nanbread · 18/11/2021 22:54

If this was a one off and out of character I'd put it down to stress, especially if he's had to take on all household duties as you've had Covid.

Not that it's ok what he said and did, but I think everyone should be allowed to make an uncharacteristic mistake. Parenting doesn't have to be perfect only good enough and he sounds like an engaged dad the rest of the time.

nanbread · 18/11/2021 22:55

Just to add that my view may change if he didn't immediately try to make amends in the morning.

HoppingPavlova · 18/11/2021 22:56

I can’t believe you just stood there like a lemon while all this was going on to be honest. I understand it was unexpected and a shock but to just stand there and let it occur is odd.

You either have to make it clear to him that if this ever occurs again HE will be out the door before he finishes his first sentence and watch and wait, or call time now.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 18/11/2021 22:57

Jesus. This is really bad.

Here's an example just to put this into how he should have behaved.

When my son was between 2 and 3, he picked up my dad's watch. A very expensive watch. My dad showed him how to wind the hands and fastened it around his wrist, then took it off and put it back down. Later on, the watch was gone. We're talking thousands of pounds here. We looked everywhere, all hands and knees, toddler height searching. Tried to get my son to show us but he was 2. He had no idea what he had done with it. This was before my dad retired and he still travelled for work so he was leaving for 2 months and would have to go without hi favourite watch. For him, that's quite a big deal. You know what he did? He made a joke about it, suggested getting a nice new watch at the airport and chuckled off. We looked over the next few days, couldn't find it and then off he went to work.

Fast forward several weeks. Dad back home, watch has never turned up. My son was being a little pain in the ass one day, just really annoying 3 year old stuff. We were visiting and I told him to go up to his bedroom at their house and get some toys. He said he needed the bathroom so he went to the "big bathroom" which no one ever uses. And he came out with the watch. He showed us, and had apparently hung it on the radiator dial. The colour blended in!
My dad found it hilarious. He'd already bought a new watch.

No one was angry. Because he was a child.

Your husband is an abusive dickhead. Put your kid in the car and drive to a hotel. Go to family tomorrow.

Houseofvelour · 18/11/2021 22:59

I think you meant 'ex husband'

Original poster
RunLassieRun · 18/11/2021 23:09

My family are 200 miles away. I know, I have failed this evening , definitely.

I can only try and out it right tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
RunLassieRun · 18/11/2021 23:11

He is an engaged dad . He's been going to work when I have been ill with covid so taking our son at 6 - breakfast, playing with him, off to work, making dinner once home and bedtime most nights. He'd cut up fruit, toast etc and leave it for me. Juice in a big flask for through the day.

OP posts:
TaraRhu · 18/11/2021 23:14

My husband keeps loosing his temper with our 3 yo. He is testing / especially when he's bored or feels like he's not getting attention. But he really shouts at him. We clashed about it earlier. He treats him like a teenager that should know better not a 3yo. It's so upsetting. So I get you.

Mumoblue · 18/11/2021 23:17

I’m gobsmacked that you could put up with that. Your husband is a nasty git who should be ashamed of saying such things to and about his child.
I’d be out the door.
If he doesn’t seriously apologise, to you AND to your son, and never do that again - I’d be gone.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 18/11/2021 23:20

@RunLassieRun

He is an engaged dad . He's been going to work when I have been ill with covid so taking our son at 6 - breakfast, playing with him, off to work, making dinner once home and bedtime most nights. He'd cut up fruit, toast etc and leave it for me. Juice in a big flask for through the day.
Mothers do this stuff every single day for their children. No one comments on it. No one praises them.

Stop praising him for acting like a parent. That's his bloody job.

Firebird83 · 18/11/2021 23:21

This is awful. My dad spoke me like that throughout my childhood and it’s so damaging Sad

Tubs11 · 18/11/2021 23:37

so not ok!!!! our three yr old forgot where she put her toothbrush this morning seconds after brushing her teeth. we found it moments later not by shouting at her but asking her to retrace her steps. did your husband not stop to think he'd have a better success rate if he'd engaged his son rather than instilling fear in him?

Turtletotem · 18/11/2021 23:38

Stop beating yourself up about this evening.
He must apologise to your son in the morning of his own accord.
What you do to move forward is what's important now, we aren't perfect we're human together or apart that can't happen again. Trust yourself to make the right decision for you and your little one.

Atla · 18/11/2021 23:39

Poor DS. I would have asked my DH wtf was wrong with him and told him to wind his neck in if he was getting on like that. Would you have been afraid of his reaction if you'd said something?

My heart broke a little at your DS just saying 'ok' about the Lego. Who speaks to a 3yo like that?! I think that would completely change how I felt about someone if they acted that way.

OnTheBoardwalk · 18/11/2021 23:52

I was shouted at and bullied at primary school for a while and I still remember that awful churning feeling in my stomach waiting for it to happen again. I can’t imagine feeling that n my house

With a lot of effort from him you could possibly work though this. Don’t be LTB in the space of 2 hours

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/11/2021 00:51

He wasn't an alcoholic but would go out at the weekends and get absolutely wasted and call me swear words when he got home.

The anger didn't go away when he stopped drinking and shouting at you. It's been there the whole time. Now there's another outlet for it, a smaller one. I wonder if your reaction to his anger is because of his previous anger towards you. Flight, fight, freeze.

Your DH clearly has issues. If he wants to seek help for them, he should. In the meantime he shouldn't be near people he's tempted to call names Sad.

NoNotMeNoSiree · 19/11/2021 00:53
Sad
LetHimHaveIt · 19/11/2021 01:37

The thought of your scared and upset 3-year-old just meekly assenting to the confiscation of his Lego after being called a liar and a thief (a thief, ffs! Tell your stupid fucking abusive husband you need an 'intention to permanently deprive' for theft; unlikely in a child seven years under the age of criminal responsibility 🙄) is killing me. Pull yourself together, stop be sad and having a broken heart, and start being livid at this arsehole. Protect your child.

Pixxie7 · 19/11/2021 02:05

Why are people on man so quick to break up relationships yes he handled it Bradley but abusive not really. A 3 year old is capable of knowing that there are certain things that belong to other people and should be left alone.