AIBU - husband called 3 year old a liar and a thief

[RunLassieRun]

Just looking for other people's opinions. We have a 3 year old. Three old got a hold of his daddy's work van keys and we couldn't find them.
My husband was saying, wee shit, moron, stupid child. He kept asking my son if he knew where they were and he said no. I don't think my son was lying, he just didn't know where he put them.
When he found them ( in a cupboard) he came in and angrily said, you're a liar and a thief. I'm taking all of your lego away. My poor son said, ok.
I'm just really feeling so sad. Like , he didn't need to act like this.

This is horrendous OP. Either he is an abusive bully, or he spends so little time with his own son that he literally has no idea that a normal 3yo's development could include putting keys somewhere are forgetting where.

sometimes it's easier said than done to just ltb. op seriously needs to protect her ds and get rid of the 'grown up' idiot though.

My god that's awful. I'd be fucking furious. I'd have seriously stern words about that and I'd be considering leaving. He could your son a moron? Fuck me.

I’d assumed he was stressed at being made late for work as well. Not ok but understandable if you’re a mere mortal not a MN perfect parent.

LTB means leave the bastard.
Those words will stay in your child's head for a very long time.
You could have said 'Don't speak to him like that. That's not a respectful way to talk. We don't call people names in this house'

You turned into a child yourself in front of that angry man.
He's not your Dad and he's not the boss of you.
Stand up for your child. Don't allow it in your house.

If you saw a man speaking to a child that in the street what would you do? What would you think? He spoke to him like he was a dog.
If you were in a public place, someone could have easily made a report to a child protection services.

Your DH should have put the keys hanging up where the kid can't get them.

OP can I ask why you didn't say DH go to other room calm down. It's not his fault. We'll have a look. Or something. As soon as he started.

Do you feel you can't say things like that to him?

Please kick him out. Bet he wouldn't do that to a grown man!

He's not scared of his dad but yes he did say OK and nothing else. I stayed in the room with our son as he went to sleep as I didn't want him going to sleep on his own.
My husband has came down and tidied the kitchen etc and gone to bed. No, it just happened after dinner and I wrote my first even post on here as I was just so shocked at what he did. I feel like a failure to be honest .

The childs, 3, what happened to securing the keys ? and at three, he's unlikely to understand. Your partner was out of order

My DS is the same age as your son and he put my car keys in DH’s work bag who duly went to work. We were off for a hospital appointment, after I’d ripped the house apart looking for said keys DH checked his bag and had to drive home from work to deliver them back to me. DS wasn’t called names or bullied by either of us - when questioned about it he said he was helping dada go work, and we now put the keys somewhere DS can’t reach.

I don’t know if this is a LTB situation or not, but I couldn’t see my son treated like this by his father for simply doing what kids do. Is this the first time he’s had this sort of outburst, or is it an ongoing issue but this one has been particularly bad that’s made you more upset than normal? Your DS just saying ok when told his Lego will be taken is heartbreaking.

You need to protect your little boy.

And yes, I should have stuck up for him more. He dies spend time with his son- they play lego, play wrestling, Star Wars. Loads of things. I've had covid and he's been taking him first and last thing, going to work , making dinner. Pretty much everything. And then tonight he just flipped.

@SockFluffInTheBath

I’d assumed he was stressed at being made late for work as well. Not ok but understandable if you’re a mere mortal not a MN perfect parent.

I worry that there are people who think that above behaviour is just an example of 'non of us are perfect'.

I am not perfect. However, I have managed to raise 2 kids and nor abuse either of them because I was having a bad day.

Your parenting bar is too low, if you think this is just one of those things.

@RunLassieRun pay attention to your name.

At what point did you tell your husband to stop bullying your toddler?

assuming he's never done this before to you or DC

Oh he's absolutely done it before. He's reading the Abusers Handbook.

The only moron is your DH putting anything he values where a child can get at it!

He’s a complete dick.

Normally, the keys are kept up high. But, because my husband was sleeping in a separate room because I had covid , they were kept on a low down hook so he got to them.
I know he shouldn't have acted like this. I am angry at him but so sad for our son and so fcking annoyed at myself.
My son was already in bed and I was through in his bedroom when he came in to say he was a thief and a liar. Before that, he was looking for them, calling him a little sit etc. He wasn't saying that to him but still. I know it's not right.

I’d assumed he was stressed at being made late for work as well. Not ok but understandable if you’re a mere mortal not a MN perfect parent.

And there's most of us. Somewhere between perfect and calling a three year old a moron.

I've been stressed and I've not always been the greatest parent. But verbal abuse? No.

@Nyxly it’s not something DH or I have done, but I can understand someone who is tired, stressed or otherwise making a mistake. Realistically a 3 yr old is not going to remember this (fully expect a barrage of replies telling me they clearly remember incidents at much younger ages). The DH might apologise in the morning and learn to put his stuff up. If he doesn’t then that’s different. If a mother loses her shit we’re sympathetic. If a dad does it’s straight to LTB.

Oh my goodness I've seen toys where a whole door has been has been covered in keys and locks! Because small dc utterly love them and see they are important to us.

The real issue is your partner has zero empathy or understanding of his son at three.
He sounds like an utter mess

I'd suggest he agrees to to urgent parent classes or you leave him

My son was already in bed and I was through in his bedroom when he came in to say he was a thief and a liar. Before that, he was looking for them, calling him a little sit etc. He wasn't saying that to him but still. I know it's not right.*

But you and your son could hear him?

And when he came in and called him a their and a liar, what did you do?

You need to have a conversation with your dh about the way he spoke to your ds. Make it clear to him that his behaviour towards his child was unacceptable. That a 3 year old wouldn’t remember where he put the keys.
You don’t need to ltb (yet) but you do need to firmly state that he must change the way he speaks to his ds.

[quote SockFluffInTheBath]@Nyxly it’s not something DH or I have done, but I can understand someone who is tired, stressed or otherwise making a mistake. Realistically a 3 yr old is not going to remember this (fully expect a barrage of replies telling me they clearly remember incidents at much younger ages). The DH might apologise in the morning and learn to put his stuff up. If he doesn’t then that’s different. If a mother loses her shit we’re sympathetic. If a dad does it’s straight to LTB.[/quote]
That's completely wrong. I can remember big things happening at 3, I remember one upsetting incident from when I was just under 3. I am almost 40.

And not remembering long term means nothing. He will remember tomorrow.

I have no sympathy for mothers who speak to children like the husband here has. Never posted in support of a mother who said they have done this.

Its verbal abuse. It's really that simple.

And no, I have been a single parent working full time. I have been stressed to the point it made me ill, I can say I have never done this.

Do you think this man gets so stressed at work he verbally abuses his boss or colleagues or clients? Or do you think it's just children?

Leave

@Nyxly

My son was already in bed and I was through in his bedroom when he came in to say he was a thief and a liar. Before that, he was looking for them, calling him a little sit etc. He wasn't saying that to him but still. I know it's not right.*

But you and your son could hear him?

And when he came in and called him a their and a liar, what did you do?

Yes , we could hear him. Well, I could.

I was just shocked tbh and didn't say anything but once he'd left the room I gave my son a cuddle. Argh I know.

So, your "D"H called your 3 year old son a shit, and a moron, and a liar, and a thief, and you didn't defend him? Poor kid.