AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

They are being treated differently. One of them has a parent who wants to organise a party the other doesn't. They just have to learn to accept the parents they have can't be bothered. Rather than have them try to outsource it to someone who isn't a parent.

Or you could offer to organise it if they both pay you?

If DP didn't organise parties when he was with the ex why the fuck does she think he'll bother now?

I think she’s given up on him and she’s got to the point where thinks OP will do it on his behalf which is bad enough. Then instead of getting frustrated at her child’s father for still not making the effort, she bypasses him and lays in to the OP! It’s an absolute joke.

We had similar when the DSC got upset that we'd got decorations up for our shared DC's birthday but DH hadn't bothered for theirs. I'm not apologising for not doing the wife work for him. I sorted out my own child's birthday I'm not doing everyone else's.

How you treat your own child is your concern. Just tell her to get fucked, and go no contact for 6 month.

The ex needs to know that her child is not your problem.

There was a very similar thread a few weeks ago but it was OP’s husband who was moaning about the ‘unfair’ treatment!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4390903-AIBU-to-just-think-FUCK-OFF-and-let-me-enjoy-my-child

From an outsider looking in, it looks like DH favours his younger child over his older ones.

It’s very nice that OP’s family can treat their grandchild, but doesn’t there come a time when a large disparity of how one child is treated over others in a family going to cause problems.

I assume there will be more money spent on them at Xmas too

daytriptovulcan Agree with you completely.

Oh Christ, I honestly don't even want to click on that thread @Turnipup. Sounds so fucking annoying! Some people are just unbelievable

@ZenNudist

Well I'd be pretty miffed if my dh pushed off on holiday without me because his parents were paying. I think you save up and go as a family.

And being honest about birthday parties did it never occur to you that not throwing a party was a bit mean? If you are the kind of person that likes a big party. Did you never think you were setting a precedent for how birthdays are dealt with in your family?

I think everything needs to be scrupulously equal not just in blended families but also non blended families. So throwing a big party for eldest but youngest gets bugger all (a common situation) is not on.

woah, with 2 living parents ,why the fuck is it the ops responsibility to throw the stepkids a huge birthday party????

When you get married you become a couple, no longer individuals. I would have thought the fairest thing would be to have a joint budget for birthdays/ holidays and split between the children.

@WinifredTheWondrous

If there is one adult in this scenario, whose job this absolutely is NOT, it is the op.

I think they do probably feel a bit guilty about not bothering for their own dcs and also think they've found a patsy in the op, to do their parenting for them. Pfft

I agree with this. Never fails to amaze me how many people would happily pass their own responsibilities to others.

Does she do the same for your kids as she does for hers? No. You look after your kid, she looks after hers, DH looks after all his kids. If ahe wants her kids to have a big party then she can organise it and send DH a bill for his half.

Aren’t there numerous threads on MN where grandparents are berated if they don’t treat all grandchildren equally even if they are steps?

@toomuchlaundry

From an outsider looking in, it looks like DH favours his younger child over his older ones.

It’s very nice that OP’s family can treat their grandchild, but doesn’t there come a time when a large disparity of how one child is treated over others in a family going to cause problems.

I assume there will be more money spent on them at Xmas too

What on earth do you think should happen? The OP's child should just be deprived of ever having anything nice, just in case it pisses off the DSC or their mum? Would you suggest that DSC's mum should never do anything nice for her kids in case it upsets OP's child?

The attitude towards step mums and their children is disgraceful on here. We are all equal but some of us are more equal than others.

You'd get absolutely roasted if you called school parents and arranged a party for the DSC. Or if you went to parents evening. And really for anything really. I think some posters would genuinely only be happy if you were to bank roll parties for the DSC and made all the butties but didn't attend, or just never let your own child have a party or holiday. I think they would get some sort of twisted satisfaction from any stepmum's child being some sort of little whipping boy ghost child.

YANBU.
Your step children and your child have different mothers and different maternal grandparents.
I wish people would accept that this will mean that children will have different experiences and that there's no responsibility for any new partner/new partner's family to compensate for whatever a child's parents/grandparents do or don't do.

You have a DH problem though as he needs to stand up to his ex and put some boundaries in place, not try to lower the bar for all children to suit what him and his ex can be bothered to do for their children.

@PingedPotato

We had similar when the DSC got upset that we'd got decorations up for our shared DC's birthday but DH hadn't bothered for theirs. I'm not apologising for not doing the wife work for him. I sorted out my own child's birthday I'm not doing everyone else's.

If you started organising birthday parties for SC you’d be guilty of ‘overstepping’ and told to get back in your place.

And then you are in the wrong for choosing to parent your child in whatever way you want. Obviously having just left your husband and his ex to do things their way with their children means that you are giving up any say in how you do things for your children. Ever. Just accept that the ex wife is in charge of your relationship with your child, and you must follow her choices to the letter lest you are unfair to her children. 🙄

You’d struggle to make this crap up.

@lastqueenofscotland

I can see how your DC getting holidays and hers not would cause a bit of friction regardless of whose paying.

Don’t be daft, in that case the OPs dsc cannot be taken on holiday by their mum as that wouldn’t be fair on the OPs child. We tended to do alternate years for holidays with dsc. One year they would go with us, the following year with their mum. Luckily dh and his ex had the sense to try and work it so we were all away at the same time, as dh’s ex also has other children.

If the SC’s mother wants them to go on holiday, she can bloody well take them.

@BungleandGeorge

When you get married you become a couple, no longer individuals. I would have thought the fairest thing would be to have a joint budget for birthdays/ holidays and split between the children.

How do you know that doesn't happen? The party/holiday were funded by OP's parents.

@Bookworm20

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

Sorry but thats a bit of a cop out. You could easily find this information out and you also speak to her mother and ask her if its ok for you to throw them a party on a day when the dc is at yours.

Ridiculous idea. Laughable suggestion. Not OP's responsibility - I presume you are in the first wives' club.

Not OP's job to sort anything for the DSC. That's up to their DM and Dad. I can't believe you really think OP has any responsibility for this.

I wouldn't expect my children's step mum to do more than she does for mine. Id expect their dad to do things for them though. For example, take them on holiday (with or without step parent and family) if they had gone away - or contribute something so I could afford to take them away (we often don't get a holiday due to school holiday prices but he often takes them away).

Their step mum recently got pregnant (sadly lost the baby) but it did put me in a position where I contemplated how I would feel about it.

@Idontwanna I'm sure we'll have a suggestion in a minute that the money OP's parents contributed should have been taken and spread between all the children to fund parties....

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong - you are perfectly entitled to parent your own child as you see fit.
I do think your husband and his ex wife need to raise their game wrt their children if either is unhappy about birthday parties etc.