AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

YANBU but I do feel bad for the DSC.
They see their siblings having big birthdays and going on holiday and not them.
DH and his ex need to step it up more if their shared DC is upset over these things. Next time she has a go tell her it’s for her to sort out between themselves.

Those who say the Dad should take the DSC on holiday because the other DC went away, do you realise that also wouldn't be fair.

At the moment none of the children are going on holiday with their shared parent. DH just taking the step children away wouldn't be fair on his other child because they wouldn't be getting a holiday with their Dad either.

It's funny because there have been loads of threads where people have said SC can't be left out of a holiday with Dad just because they went with Mum. Because in that scenario it's apparently about having the experience of holidaying with a particular parent, not the amount of holidays. But in this scenario it's fine for the Dad to take SC away but not his other child just because they had a holiday with someone else.

Hmm.

*Ridiculous idea. Laughable suggestion. Not OP's responsibility - I presume you are in the first wives' club.

Not OP's job to sort anything for the DSC. That's up to their DM and Dad. I can't believe you really think OP has any responsibility for this.*

I quite doubt that. I can't imagine many mothers being that delighted at the children's stepmum throwing them a big massive party. Or taking them on holiday for a week without their dad.

Does the ex contact you about this? If so block her and let your h deal with this. Tell him not to tell you what she says.

How old are the children? A teen won't care that your child had a soft play party but if you went to Disneyland Paris I can see why they might think really ? However that's not your problem. Your h needs to prioritise finding fancy parties if that's what he wants for his kids.

@PingedPotato

They are being treated differently. One of them has a parent who wants to organise a party the other doesn't. They just have to learn to accept the parents they have can't be bothered. Rather than have them try to outsource it to someone who isn't a parent.

Spot on

Is ex on your social media? Delete or block her from knowing your plans.

Were sc invited to the party ?
How does the ex know you went on holiday with your parents ?

Your h's dad guilt is his problem and not yours. He should have dealt with it before having more kids.

So, if the ex, took her children away with her parents, her parents paid, your DH (obviously) wasn't there...by her fine logic you should be kicking off at DH because he's treating your child differently.

How ridiculous. And that's all you've done. Taken your child on a holiday, on your own, with your parents.

She's got jack all to do with what you do with your parents, particularly without DH present.

It's not your problem that your parents can afford to do this for their daughter, and choose too. Of course you shouldn't be providing the equivalent of what your parents choose to do. It's a joke that your DH even entertains this. He needs to grow a backbone here. She probably knows she's being a dick without a leg to stand on, but your DH is enabling her, by even entertaining it, so she carries on with her "guilt" trips.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others.

What does he do for them?

Only thing that makes me think about the birthday parties is that I have a friend who has 2 dc with her DH and another Dc is her DSC. They always put on big birthday parties for the DC like play centres, big days out etc and the DSC has never had one to date because my friend says its up to her mum to sort it. and her mum doesn't have the money. She says her money shouldn't be spent on her DSC parties when she has 2 other parents. Its a grey area and I think shes mean as clearly can afford it and I do feel sorry for the DSC in her situation as she must feel like her step mother doesn't see her as part of the family and therefore can't have 'family' money spent on her for birthday parties.

I agree with your friend, the DSC have 2 parents who should be responsible for her parties etc

The only time I would say otherwise is if the step parent plays an actual parental role in the DSC life. But people can't expect the step parent to pay for everything as if they are their actual kids, without having any other parental level input.

Frankly a lot seem to want it both ways when it suits them

@PingedPotato

Or you could offer to organise it if they both pay you?

You know if the DM hadn't been a complete turnip and Op was saying I want to do something for DSC birthday then actually this is a decent suggestion.

However I imagine there would be aloud chorus of "remember your place".

I think her open hostility would make me close this door with a rather large bang and be telling DSC exactly why too tbh

@BungleandGeorge

When you get married you become a couple, no longer individuals. I would have thought the fairest thing would be to have a joint budget for birthdays/ holidays and split between the children.

No when you get married you are a couple as well as individuals. You don't lose your identity and just become part of a unit with your partner. That's just bizarre. I can't send my husband to work for me.

You know if the DM hadn't been a complete turnip and Op was saying I want to do something for DSC birthday then actually this is a decent suggestion. haha yeah. She ruined any chance of that happening really.

@PingedPotato

We had similar when the DSC got upset that we'd got decorations up for our shared DC's birthday but DH hadn't bothered for theirs. I'm not apologising for not doing the wife work for him. I sorted out my own child's birthday I'm not doing everyone else's.

If the dsc was staying in your house on their birthday though. This sounds pretty mean. Ok so it’s not your job to put up decorations for your dh’s child, but if they saw what you’d done for their half sibling and then nothing for them that’s pretty horrible. I can’t imagine doing that to my dsc. If they are round on their birthday they get the decorations put up for them. I don’t care whose job it is or isn’t, or whose biological child it is. It’s hardly much effort.

Yanbu. HE has to treat them equally. You don’t.

@Bookworm20 I did my bit. I purchased the decorations. I told DH where they were kept. I was too busy to do it myself having done it all for our shared DC and taken it down by myself I'd done enough wife work.

I even reminded him twice

When you get married you become a couple, no longer individuals. I would have thought the fairest thing would be to have a joint budget for birthdays/ holidays and split between the children.

This is Brillant, I have become one with my DH and as a couple I have decided late stage pregnancy isn't for me to much hard work, so I want him to do my half... where do I sign up. If I'm taking on all his financial and parenting responsibilities it's only fair for him to take some of my load as a parent

Wait you say he doesn't have the biological reproductive system to do that ?!? Omg but DSD is here and obviously I'm now her parent and he can opt out whenever so ... oh don't worry about DM I'm here now to replace her as DSC mum.

Wait hold 🙄 I see the pitchforks at dawn coming for me .. was it something I said

So glad to see we have been transported to the 1950s. I remember that whole obey your husband line in the old marriage vows too, must get back in my box with my DC not making a sound or request in case it upsets the SC.

It’s hardly much effort. then he can do it

The Ex is always accusing us - is what OP said. Just that the events she is unhappy about are "organised and paid for" solely by OP. Does she know that?

That is quite different to saying she is having a go at OP alone.

The holiday - not her problem.
The birthday party is - either you are saying the DF to all the DCs in this scenario did not pay a penny towards your sole DC or he did contribute. If he did then he is at fault - as sleepovers, I will presume at Mums do not cost much and less than £30 on pizza for a couple of extra kids is not the same as you are describing. I seriously doubt your DP did not contribute from family monies to your DCs birthday party. How much does he spend on all his DCS b day parties is the issue and maybe him showing a bit more effort.

@uneffingbelievable

The Ex is always accusing us - is what OP said. Just that the events she is unhappy about are "organised and paid for" solely by OP. Does she know that?

That is quite different to saying she is having a go at OP alone.

The holiday - not her problem.
The birthday party is - either you are saying the DF to all the DCs in this scenario did not pay a penny towards your sole DC or he did contribute. If he did then he is at fault - as sleepovers, I will presume at Mums do not cost much and less than £30 on pizza for a couple of extra kids is not the same as you are describing. I seriously doubt your DP did not contribute from family monies to your DCs birthday party. How much does he spend on all his DCS b day parties is the issue and maybe him showing a bit more effort.

Not really OP's problem though. If it was family money then DH has access to the same family money to do the same for his kids. He couldn't be bothered.

You are not BU. The ex is looking for shit to get annoyed about.

@uneffingbelievable either you are saying the DF to all the DCs in this scenario did not pay a penny towards your sole DC or he did contribute. If he did then he is at fault - as sleepovers, I will presume at Mums do not cost much and less than £30 on pizza for a couple of extra kids is not the same as you are describing. I seriously doubt your DP did not contribute from family monies to your DCs birthday party.

Ok we believe you, you don't believe Op, repeating it over and over with 0 to back this up other that complete and utter contempt for op doesn't make validate your point.

I mean ops been super Uber clear who paid for the birthday and it wasn't DH.

He needs to get in the bin because of his treatment of all his children. But I mean if not believing its, suits whatever narrative is going on in your head (quite likely wanting to place the blame on OP due to own issues) great but shall we not project.

You are not a judge jury and executioner. You cannot see ops financial bank statements and it's mumsnet so yes it's one sided but you know that's kinda how it works, one person posts and you get their side because we aren't in court room.

If he does start paying for these things and organising them for the DSC don't fall into the trap of he pays for them you pay/organise for your shared DC. It's an easy habit to fall into if you aren't careful.