Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?
340

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 08:58

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

RabitWhole · 18/11/2021 09:00

Er tell your MIL to do one? This is the woman who didn't come to your wedding because she didn't approve of you and didn't speak to you for months? Why should you care at all what she thinks of anything to do with your life?

You owe her nothing OP. Call your baby whatever you want, if she has an issue with that, that is her problem!

Please
or
to access all these features

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 09:02

@RabitWhole

Part of me thinks that but equally I feel a bit exhausted with all the drama snd I don’t want this to escalate. On the other hand I genuinely want to call my baby this name and feel a bit sad/annoyed about it.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

BlackboardMonitorVimes · 18/11/2021 09:02

Honestly I would not use the name. Not because I would be bothered by the relationship with MiL, but because of your child's relationship with his Grandma. There is always the possibility that she will treat him differently and that's just not worth doing for a name.

Please
or
to access all these features

Comedycook · 18/11/2021 09:02

She's had her turn to name her children. Now it's your turn to name yours. Obviously, she has no say in this

Please
or
to access all these features

HeddaGarbled · 18/11/2021 09:02

Under these specific circumstances, I would say it was unnecessarily provocative to use her brother’s name.

Please
or
to access all these features

tealandteal · 18/11/2021 09:02

You mean say the baby would be called Ben, you want Benedict but your MIL thinks you should go for Benjamin? Go for it, it is your baby and as long as the uncle hasn’t done anything horrible.

Please
or
to access all these features

PinkWednesdays · 18/11/2021 09:02

It sounds like sooner or later she will stop talking to you again for a stupid reason. And then you would have given in to her crazy demands for someone who will happily cut you out when it suits her.

Ignore her. It’s your child.

Please
or
to access all these features

BonesInTheOcean · 18/11/2021 09:02

Your mil pushing out a baby (or having the op obviously) ? She gets to name it, nope? No she doesn't

Your baby, you choose the name

Please
or
to access all these features

Lightswitch123 · 18/11/2021 09:03

I dunno. I see her point if they really do have a bad relationship. Are there absolutely no other names in the whole wide world that you can pick?

Please
or
to access all these features

RobinPenguins · 18/11/2021 09:03

She can’t veto a name but your DH can. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to support you using it.

Please
or
to access all these features

tryingtocatchthewind · 18/11/2021 09:03

Does he need the formal version if he will be known as the nickname?

Normally I would agree and say no vetoes allowed if it was just that she didn’t like it but it’s her brothers name and for whatever reason she doesn’t like him. Would you do it to your own mother?

Please
or
to access all these features

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 09:03

@tealandteal

Yes! Just like the Benjamin example except the name available is a bit silly/not like Benjamin.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

4amstarts · 18/11/2021 09:03

I wouldn't use the name either - I think it's a bit odd using a name of a still living person in the family

Please
or
to access all these features

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 18/11/2021 09:04

I’d say it’s less your MiL and more your husband’s response.

He said he’s not willing to fight for this and there’s your answer. This will possibly create issues for him and as PP said for your son.

Can we ask what the name is and maybe we can help come up with alternatives?

Please
or
to access all these features

namechange30455 · 18/11/2021 09:06

@RobinPenguins

She can’t veto a name but your DH can. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to support you using it.

This. Your DH has said he doesnt want to use it so why are you even still considering it?
Please
or
to access all these features

junebirthdaygirl · 18/11/2021 09:06

@HeddaGarbled

Under these specific circumstances, I would say it was unnecessarily provocative to use her brother’s name.

This
As you say yourself you don't want to add to the drama so don't. There are so many lovely boys names out there so go looking again. Don't discuss it with mil or involve her but pick another name.
Please
or
to access all these features

mumofmunchkin · 18/11/2021 09:07

@RobinPenguins

She can’t veto a name but your DH can. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to support you using it.

This
Please
or
to access all these features

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 09:08

He really loves the name too! He just doesn’t want to argue with his mother about it but I think he would if I pushed it. I just don’t want to cause friction but I’m not sure if it’s actually unnecessary friction if you see what I mean as I do really want to use the name and equally I just don’t think she has the right to tell me what to do.

The baby would most likely never meet this guy or mix with that part of the family so I don’t think it’s weird to have same name/even if he did because the situation is resolved (v unlikely) the uncle would love it.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Blurp · 18/11/2021 09:08

Normally I would say MIL doesn't get to veto a name unless it has very specific connotations (eg it's the name of her abusive ex or something like that). I think in this case I'd let DH make the final call, though. If it's going to cause tension, and make his life more difficult, then I'd be sympathetic to that. It doesn't sound like it would be the end of the world if you fell out with her, but there's no point in having tension if it's not needed.

Please
or
to access all these features

MindyStClaire · 18/11/2021 09:08

Follow your DH's lead here, I wouldn't want my baby named after an estranged relative, regardless of the reason for the estrangement.

Also, I wouldn't want the whole family gossiping about the choice of name when my baby was born, which will surely be the result here.

If you feel comfortable sharing the name (possibly under a name change), you might get some good suggestions for alternatives in a similar style on here.

Please
or
to access all these features

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/11/2021 09:09

I wouldn’t use it - and in fact you can’t if your DP is saying no.

It sounds like you get on well now, it’s good for your kids to have a relationship w GPS etc. So no point doing something that’s hurtful to her. It will upset your husband. Find something else. Post on here you’ll get plenty of opinions.

Please
or
to access all these features

AlleZusammen · 18/11/2021 09:09

If your dh doesn't want to use the name what about using one of your older boys' middle names as a first name?

Please
or
to access all these features

Rainbowsew · 18/11/2021 09:09

If the child is going to be known by the nickname anyway just tell her that. If you like the formal version for the official name then use that. If you go for the one she prefers it's likely to annoy you over the years and breed resentment.

If you don't use the name you want choose a completely different one so you don't feel bad in years to come.

Your mil has no right to dictate name choices in anyway.

Please
or
to access all these features

NowEvenBetter · 18/11/2021 09:09

Your husband still gives a shit about the thoughts of a woman who boycotted his wedding day? Nah. He needs to wise up, and his mother is irrelevant to anything.

Please
or
to access all these features

Howshouldibehave · 18/11/2021 09:11

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this

I’ve not heard that expression before but am presuming it means he doesn’t now want to use the name?

If that’s the case, you can’t use the name.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.