Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

long not young

Just use the name , it sounds like you all have dysfunctional relationships with your wider family anyway so it doesn’t really matter in the long run if you alienate your MIL .

I think if she was a lovely woman, and she was feeling terrible about asking you to avoid this name, but doing so was going to cause her trauma, then I wouldn’t use it. But it really doesn’t sound like that is the case here- she sounds generally difficult and like she’s used to getting her own way. Is it a really unusual name?

Why are you even discussing your name choices with her?

You should just name the baby what you like when it's born instead of canvassing for opinions of you don't want any feedback.

Even though you are free to do what you like name wise now I think for me it would be tainted.

No she doesn't but if you value a relationship with her I wouldn't. My brother and his wife named their child the same name as my (at the time) recent ex boyfriend (who they knew) who broke my heart then I found out I was pregnant and miscarried. So not a good memory!

I did say something before he was born but didn't 'forbid it' and they chose to use it knowing. I still love them and see them but I hate my nephews name and the constant reminder makes it all very uncomfortable.

Engage in no further discussion about names. When he is born, introduce him as Ben, and put the name you want on his birth certificate. She will hopefully be so thrilled about her new grandson, she won't take beef with it at the time.

She doesn't have the right to veto anything. Your husband does though, and if he isn't willing to accept the name because it will upset his mother, you have to go back to the drawing board.

It didn’t occurred to me to discuss my baby’s name with anyone except DH, so in general “no” your MiL ( or your mum) doesn’t have a veto. However l think these circumstances are a bit different, I always thought it’s better not to use names of living relatives even if they live far away. It just feel for me like a lack of imagination, sorry. There always will be unconscious baggage attached to the name. Do you really want to make this point? Your child might be unhappy about it later on.

She doesn't have the right but I find it odd you're fixating on a name that's already in the family, has negative connotations for some family members and is putting your DH in the middle.
The fact she is often UR doesn't mean she is definitely wrong about her brother. I always thought DFIL was unfair to his brother. Years later we found out some of the things his brother had done. It completely changed my view on him.

Use the name you love, I'm with your Mother on this one.

Your mother is very unpleasant to have said "fuck her and fuck what she wants".

I disagree. Considering this MIL skipped out on OP and her son’s wedding and pitches tantrums for ridiculous reasons, her mother is right. How much are they supposed to pander to MIL? When and where does it end?

@Comedycook

She's had her turn to name her children. Now it's your turn to name yours. Obviously, she has no say in this

This a thousand times. It's your turn now.

@BlackboardMonitorVimes

Honestly I would not use the name. Not because I would be bothered by the relationship with MiL, but because of your child's relationship with his Grandma. There is always the possibility that she will treat him differently and that's just not worth doing for a name.

Erm but then it would be HER fault for taking her preferences on a name out on an innocent child.

There are literally thousands of names. Why pick the one name that will cause upset?

If your going to use the nickname day to day then tell MIL that is the baby’s actual name.

But really register him with the name you want. She won’t see the birth certificate unless she’s a nosy cow and looks it up.

What did your Dh say to her when she refused to attend your wedding due to her ‘disapproval of you ‘ ?
From your posts she’ll probably fall out with you all at some point anyway, and if you don’t give your baby the name you want you will regret giving in to her.

@PinkWednesdays

It sounds like sooner or later she will stop talking to you again for a stupid reason. And then you would have given in to her crazy demands for someone who will happily cut you out when it suits her.

Ignore her. It’s your child.

This. If she was a reasonable person normally and this was the one thing she felt strongly about I might respect her wishes. But it sounds as if she is often unreasonable and life is very much her way or the highway so I'd stick to the name you want.

Quite apart from anything else, what you choose to name your child is none of her business. We didn't even discuss names with our parents. They found out when we told them after DC were born.

her preferences on a name

It's not really a preference is it? It has negative connotations for her.

After the unpleasant things she has done I would not even discuss it with her. Your mil has no right to veto a name you want. She needs to get over herself, it is just a name that reminds her of someone. She can replace her name association with your baby and like the name again one day.

The parents choose the name of their babies.

Anyone else really want to know what the name is?

She's treated you awfully in the past, you need to decide whether you are going to come to terms with that and move on, or whether you are going to hold on to it.
You said at the beginning of this post that you now have a good relationship with her, so why do something to damage that?
Her "tit for tat" falling out with her brother may have a background that you don't know about, that she's kept from you. Could you imagine your son presenting your grandchild to you and announcing its named after your childhood bully, or someone who abused you? Perhaps? Is it worth the risk?
Is it worth the risk of DH losing his relationship with his mother, DC losing their relationship with their grandmother?
If you have 8/10 names on your list go for one of them. A lot of people don't have that "perfect 10/10" name and need to compromise with their partners choice.

She doesn't have the right; but I would avoid giving your child that name, in case it affects his relationship with his grandmother.

Is this real?
It amazes me that anyone would even need to ask about this. Tell her to back her truck up.

I agree with PP - what is the realistic likelihood of her throwing her toys out of the pram over something else and then you're stuck with a second-choice name and a fall-out anyway?

Your husband is expecting you to give a lot of leeway to someone who appears to have zero qualms about upsetting you both. How can he reconcile her treatment of you with his expectations of how you treat her?

My only contribution is that sometimes despite all the chat and plans in advance, when babies are here. So it may be the plan that day to day it will be the nickname but the reality may alter.

My dds name was based upon the premise we'd use the short version (so Elizabeth known as Beth as an example). She is not, she is the full name to everyone at all times.

I think I'd look for an alternative tbh. Not cos mil should have a say but because unless you are going nc with her it will be a 'thing'. Not what should happen but from the sounds of her she won't let it go.

@StucklnAMuumuuCantGetOutOflt

Your name is one of the names! And your list contains about 4 of my considered names lol are you sure I don’t know you?