Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I'm not saying it is deliberate, but it is likely to look that way. Id assume if I saw this as a wider family members it was deliberate

Not sure why you'd even consider it tbh. No, she doesn't have the right to veto a name but it's a bit of a dickish move to use a name you know has an effect on her mental health. There are thousands of names. Come up with another nice one.

Just use the shortened version.

I wouldn't use the name. For the sake of my unborn son as much as anything else. You don't really know why she has fallen out with her brother, it could be something really awful from childhood that's made her the way she is and be unable to form proper relationships. I'd be inclined to think people have good reasons to fall out with people even if they don't want to share them and it appears petty on the surface. If you use the name against her express wishes she may genuinely feel differently about your son compared to his brothers. Not nice, but maybe very unavoidable if she has secrets.

You can avoid it by choosing a different name. I would do that.

I would call him what we want but if she wants to give him a special nick name that would be OK with me - as long as she didn't comment when others used his correct name.
Its odd she would feel so strongly about this so I was wondering if she and her brother had issues as a children.

Part of me would want to do it just to piss MIL off as she sounds awful and I have no idea why she gets an opinion on anything given the backstory
BUT do you want the arrival of your baby to be over shadowed by the name controversy? It also sounds like you would need to push DH on the issue as well.
To me it’s really not worth it

I don’t want to just use the shortened version

Maybe DH could try to talk to her again. She’s perfectly happy with us using the other name and it having the same nickname so it’s hard to see how it would really matter day to day for her

Bugger that shit...she boycotted your wedding day, you walk on eggshells around her worrying about the next bust up.

Name your baby what you want and stop pandering to this woman

Its odd she would feel so strongly about this so I was wondering if she and her brother had issues as a children

No, she is just a very difficult woman. He is on the side of her parents when they fell out snd that’s it. Collateral damage/loyalty issue

Op, think about your mil behaviour- does it matter what someone so manipulative thinks

You don't really know why she has fallen out with her brother, it could be something really awful from childhood that's made her the way she is and be unable to form proper relationships

I do know.

Your child your choice - and I purposefully did not say DH child coz he is a twat!
Name your son what you want .. it is a name .. no one owns it and as long as it is not derogatory no one should have an issue with it.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I don’t want to just use the shortened version

Maybe DH could try to talk to her again. She’s perfectly happy with us using the other name and it having the same nickname so it’s hard to see how it would really matter day to day for her

Don’t have dh talk to her again. She doesn’t get a say in this, stop handing her this right. You and dh decide, and when baby is born you name it and tell her.

It depends on the name! If it's something so incredibly fabulous that you can't not use it (Horatio or Valentine or Augustus or some such), it would be tricky not to use it and to settle for something less so (though if it were that incredibly fabulous, wouldn't you have used it already?) But if it's a relatively ordinary name which you just happen to like, there are lots of those names and it should be possible to choose another one. Or go back to the drawing board completely?

No she doesn't. If it had been like serious abuse then I wouldn't want to name by after someone who did that. But she doesn't get to say you can't name your baby after someone she doesn't like. There are lots of people we might not like imagine if everyone told you the names of people you can't use for your baby! Call your baby what you want.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

He really loves the name too! He just doesn’t want to argue with his mother about it but I think he would if I pushed it. I just don’t want to cause friction but I’m not sure if it’s actually unnecessary friction if you see what I mean as I do really want to use the name and equally I just don’t think she has the right to tell me what to do.

The baby would most likely never meet this guy or mix with that part of the family so I don’t think it’s weird to have same name/even if he did because the situation is resolved (v unlikely) the uncle would love it.

If he doesn’t want to use it, for whatever reason, then it really should be ruled out. Your post seems deliberately designed to provoke the anti MiL responses, but really it is about DH not her.

Giving a baby the same name as an estranged uncle does seem a bit unnecessary.

Your MIL has zero rights to any decisions regarding your DC

Do not talk to her again! You're making this a 3 man decision. Its not. Stop giving her the right to make decisions about your children.

You need to take your DH's opinions into account.
You don't need to take MIL's

If I acted like that with the spouses of my children, they would have every right not to bother with me any more. Why do we enable bullying behaviour? Let her stew in her own bitterness if that’s what she chooses.

My mother hates MIL because of how she’s treated me and she is very much “fuck her and fuck what she wants”. There’s also an option to pronounce the name differently which might help.

There are a gajillion boys names out there. Surely you can find another name you like that isn’t the name of an estranged relative?

When I was choosing names, two of my most favourite names were the names of estranged family members, that I’d never even met! But I wouldn’t have used them because the names were negative for my older family members and I didn’t want them to feel negatively towards my child.

You’ve obviously all made the effort to get on, and put past issues behind you. Calling your child by that name would be a big step backwards.

Usually I am 100% on your side on this but in your case there is something making me hesitate.

You might be okay with someone using your brother’s name, but there may be layers of context to this situation that you and your DH do not know about or understand and if MIL actually has good reason not to be in contact with her brother then I do think it would be best not to use his name. Would you really want your boy to be named after someone who had wronged her or someone in the family in a terrible way, for example? You might not actually know the history behind it. It’s also not like the usual scenario where interfering parents/in-laws think they should have a say just because they don’t like the name. In this case there’s actually a rationale behind it and an explanation for it.

Why are you trying to appease this woman? Choose the name and let her blow up.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I don’t want to just use the shortened version

Maybe DH could try to talk to her again. She’s perfectly happy with us using the other name and it having the same nickname so it’s hard to see how it would really matter day to day for her

But by the same token it shouldn't matter day to day for you either?

Like I said, she's definitely being unreasonable however for the sake of everyone's peace and sanity just sticking with the short version seems the obvious and sensible compromise especially if in practice that's what will be used anyway?