Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

Sometimes with inlaw issues it's helpful to think how it would be if it was your side of the family

I think my mum would struggle if we named our child after her estranged brother, because its the only name in the whole wide world we could possibly like

It feels deliberate

When names are repeated in families there's an assumption the younger is named after the older....how well do you know him? I have a couple of names of horrible people I know which I would be devastated if a future grandchild was named the same for the memories/feelings it would spark. However, it is MY issue, it's just a name. Your baby, your choice!

I’d use the name I loved.

Would you still love the name op if it causes family drama? We had a name like that and decided the argument would ruin the name for us

Letting someone you know is difficult get there own way = giving her a green light to interfere.

With people who fall out with a lot of people firm boundaries are your friend. This is your baby to name not hers.

Our DC have dead-relative middle names. My GM had a beautiful name which I really wanted to use but I knew my mother would kick off about. So we named DD after her MIL, my other GM Nothing we chose would have been right.

I'd listen to my husband but quite frankly if you both like the name, use it
I'd regret it for years if I didn't use the name I really liked
It's up to your MIL how she reacts, she's hardly been sensitive to your feelings in the past has she?

I think the other thing is just that my other boy’s names for me are a 10/10. This one is also a 10/10. The other options are like 8/10 or less and I’m not sure how I feel about naming my child a second or third choice name for this woman if you see what I mean? She’s really been quite unkind to me personally. I have tried to move on from that but I just don’t know how reasonable she is being here and if I want to give up this name for her.

I have a brother I don’t speak to and I can honestly say if my son wanted to call his baby that name in the future it wouldn’t bother me at all!

The fact that you even feel the need to ask

IMO the shortened names have a different ring to them when from different longer names.

For instance, I see the Will from William in a different way to the Will from Wilfred.

And I see the Al from Alan differently to the Al from Alexander.

Give the name you really like as a second name and something totally different as a first name as a kindness to your husband?

TBH I don't get the thing about names being a hill to die on. As soon as your child can speak, he will call himself what he likes, then he will pick up nicknames or shortenings at school and once he is into his teen years, you will entirely lose control of what he decides to call himself.

Well you can choose the name you and dh like BUT I'd not in your circumstances.

I had this with girls names. I want a religious name: like Mary but not Mary. I love a variant on this name as a middle or even first name for my hypothetical dd. It's my aunty's name but she is a black sheep in the family and if would have horrible connotations for my parents, the child's grandparents. So I decided not to use it. In the end I had boys so it didn't matter.

I think if you are silly enough to tell people the name before baby is born you can't be surprised when they criticise it and then you don't want to use the name anymore.

It feels deliberate

But I know it’s not. So I would do it with a clear conscience knowing I just love the name. I don’t know if I would always regret not using it. I’m very a much a “use my wedding China every day as I don’t want to use my second favourite” type person!

It’s tricky as so many mixed feelings on here! At least I know it was reasonable to be conflicted

All the names in all the world and it has to be this one? Really?

@PatterPaws

IMO the shortened names have a different ring to them when from different longer names.

For instance, I see the Will from William in a different way to the Will from Wilfred.

And I see the Al from Alan differently to the Al from Alexander.

If someone is introduced to you as Al or Will, how do you know?

My dd is pregnant and on my advice only she and her dh know what name the baby will have.
I don't understand why couples tell everyone their baby names and allow family to get involved.
Your baby, your choice of name.

i think if you are silly enough to tell people the name before baby is born you can't be surprised when they criticise it and then you don't want to use the name anymore

Thank you for the rude comment! It was a discussion had before I was even pregnant, just a sort of vague discussion that I didn’t think would end that way.

If this was reversed

My DH wants to name our child, and says that the only name he likes is a name that has a complex history in my family. My mother has a poor relationship with the relative, is no contact and I think she will be upset and don't want to force the issue. My husband says its the only name he likes

Would people still being saying that not choosing the name would be giving her a greenlight to interfere? This baby is his not hers to name?

Also this isn’t a family where anyone sees each other. They all live far away. It wont impact anything if we call the baby that/no associations except for mother in law.

It’s a shame I can’t share the name but can’t for obvious reasons

Obviously you and your DH need to agree on the name, and if your MIL was generally lovely and this was the first time she'd acted unreasonably I'd have some sympathy/consider changing the name choice.

But it sounds like your MIL has form for trying to interfere/acting unreasonably when she does not get her own way (see, refusal to attend your wedding- presumably aimed at encouraging your DH to change his mind). With someone like that, I think that every time you bend to her demands it makes her more likely to do it again.

I do think people who kick up a fuss about baby names are a bit pathetic and generally to be ignored.
However I also think it's a bit daft to be precious about the long version of a name if in practice the shortened version is going to be used day to day. Just name them the shortened version?

The naming of your baby has hee haw to do with your MIL

@PinkWednesdays

It sounds like sooner or later she will stop talking to you again for a stupid reason. And then you would have given in to her crazy demands for someone who will happily cut you out when it suits her.

Ignore her. It’s your child.

I agree with this. She is a poisonous person who causes drama in every aspect of her life. If you pander to her where will it end? Will she veto your choice of school, your children's clothing, your hairstyle?

The fact that you even feel the need to ask

I think the mixed responses show it’s perfectly fine to have asked! It’s not black and white!

I think how nasty she’s been in the past complicates things as I’m always walking on eggshells to avoid another blow up snd this has potentially now become my hill to die on. As a PP said, god knows what else she might fall out with us about. But also I can see then it might look deliberate to her but as I say I know it’s not.

I’d use it. She doesn’t get a veto!