Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

[SparklyGlasses]

She sounds a very difficult character! Just put the name you love on the birth certificate and tell her you went with the short name? As I assume you'll be calling him the short name all the time anyway and she's hardly going to ask to see the birth certificate.

[SarahBellam]

I feels goady and disrespectful and I can see where your DH is coming from. Is this really the hill you want to die on? My mum would have been very upset if I’d named my DD after her estranged sister. Honestly, step back from this one. You didn’t choose it for the first two so it’s not your most favourite name in the world. I’m wondering if you like it more now because it’s ‘forbidden fruit’.

[coconutpie]

Considering this woman refused to attend your wedding day, I don't know why you should take her opinion into account. Name your baby what you want.

[Lasair]

This is why you shouldn’t share names before baby is born!

[LublinToDublin]

Like @Auntycorruption I wouldn't use the name for the sake of your ds3. I wouldn't want to use a name that he could become aware caused an issue/ upset or was associated with someone that mil may have reason to avoid.

Of course in principle mil doesn't get to veto a name but you say currently she has a good relationship with you and your dc. And your dh doesn't want to hurt his dm. Is it worth risking all those relationships for the sake of a name?

[whynotwhatknot]

as long as she doesnt take it out on the baby i would use it

she sounds very difficult in general

[itisthecause]

I would chose/find another name with DH that you both love (there are so many beautiful names) and avoid my child's name becoming part of MILs drama.

Yes you can use it but for me the association with her would put me off.

[diddl]

@NowEvenBetter

Your husband still gives a shit about the thoughts of a woman who boycotted his wedding day? Nah. He needs to wise up, and his mother is irrelevant to anything.

I know!

My Mil's Mum didn't go to her wedding as she didn't think FIL was good enough!

Yet she still saw my husband!

If the man wasn't good enough-why did she want to see his kids?

What a bitch Op.

I don't know why you bother with her.

She has shown what she thinks of you-the square root of fuck all!

Yes I'd use the name & with any luck she'd not bother with you anymore!

[NewlyGranny]

The day MiL boycotted your wedding - her DS's wedding! - she forfeited any right to your consideration in a matter like this. She specialises in falling out over nothing and she'll do it anyway if she feels like it. If the name still feels 10/10 when DC is born, use it! Just don't tell anyone in advance.

[Topseyt]

@Gottahavehighhopes

If this was reversed

My DH wants to name our child, and says that the only name he likes is a name that has a complex history in my family. My mother has a poor relationship with the relative, is no contact and I think she will be upset and don't want to force the issue. My husband says its the only name he likes

Would people still being saying that not choosing the name would be giving her a greenlight to interfere? This baby is his not hers to name?

My advice would still be exactly the same.

If you like the name and really want to use it then use it.

Your baby Benedict will be a person in his own right, not a duplicate of a distant relative who, in all likelihood, it sounds as though he will hardly ever meet.

Why give in to a MIL who has been so unkind to you, and who even missed your wedding to demonstrate her disapproval of you? I honestly wouldn't give a shit what she thought.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

In all honesty, I wouldn't use it - except maybe as a middle name.

DH wanted to honour his Dad by using his name for a middle name for our DS1 - but sadly it's the same name as my utter dickweasel brother so I wouldn't do it. We used DH's Dad's middle name for DS1 instead.

Names do represent people - they're not standalone words - and if it made MIL remember her brother and the fall-out every time she saw/spoke of your DS3 then, however unreasonable she's being, I wouldn't do that to her. I'd try and find a different first name and use the one you really like in the middle instead (or not at all).

[FeedMeSantiago]

Your MIL is clearly not a very nice person.

The only people who have the right of veto are you and your DH.

What would give me pause is that you don't know why her reaction to this name is strong. It could just be general twattery. Or there could be a reason you don't know about, for example he may have been abusive to her as a child.

Alternatively, if she has a habit of removing herself from your lives there is a risk she does this again and you may regret not using the name.

[Takedogshithome]

Your dh doesn't want the drama. That is why you shouldn't use it.

[tara66]

Like others have said - there are thousands of 'names' - you are showing a lack of imagination to only like one name. Buy are book of names and find one. You are fixated on this matter because of your relationship with MIL. I am not judging you regarding that but think you could like something else too. You could like it less in 10 years. I like 'Niall' myself at the moment.

[phoenixrosehere]

She sounds a very difficult character! Just put the name you love on the birth certificate and tell her you went with the short name? As I assume you'll be calling him the short name all the time anyway and she's hardly going to ask to see the birth certificate.


This.

Our oldest has a name that has several variations but is not the variation I wanted but agreed to it to keep the peace. I honestly still regret it and there are very few nicknames for it so he is constantly called the name and so I live with it. Didn’t make that mistake the second time around and love his brother’s name which isn’t common but easy to pronounce.

It really comes down to can you live with the name and live with knowing you chose it not because you loved it but to pander to someone else who you have to walk on eggshells around making the name about her when it really should be about your son.

If you go with the idea above and she finds out and stops talking to you over it despite using a nickname for year then it shows what truly matters to her and it definitely wouldn’t sound like your son.

[Tricked2003]

For me, the name would always be tainted by the situation. Your MIL doesn't have the right to name your child ..........but I wouldn't want to give my child a name with so much "baggage".

[itsacat]

NO!! Name your baby whatever you like, MIL will have to get used to it.

Reverse situation here, I had no choice but to give DS a (middle) name that they claim is a family name (I did not get any back story apart from DH and FIL being called that). I dislike that name and have negative experiences with other people with that name so I was not keen at all. Incredibly rude of them to simply request it as a matter of fact when you think of it but it was not the hill I chose to die on

[seventyfits]

Generally no, it's the parents' choice. In some cases it's right to be sensitive e.g. if a name brought back memories of childhood abuse. But if it's just because of a person someone dislikes or has a feud with, then I don't think it matters - reasonable people will realise it's not their call and they'll learn to like the name when it's associated with a new baby, or at least be polite and kind enough to pretend they like it.

More importantly she sounds quite demanding and you mentioned she's been unkind to you. So it's probably not a good idea to give in to her, but rather to have your boundaries in place. It's not as though you're doing this to spite her, you're just being a normal parent and choosing a name you like.

[reesewithoutaspoon]

Its not worth the hassle. There are thousands of names out there.
She will never think you chose it because you loved it. In her eyes, of all the names in the world you could pick you picked the one she hates the most, that's how she will see it and if there's already family drama and she's a vile woman anyway, then no doubt thats what she will tell other members of the family. it will only make you out to be the baddy here.
Also your child could potentially be treated differently if people think you were being malicious in choosing that name.
Honestly find another name. no name is that precious that its worth casing this much potential hassle over surely.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I do know

You really don’t know.

If your mil is such a drama Queen, there was disfunction in her family at some level. If you ask my mother what happened in my childhood, she’d say either everything was perfect or that I was the instigator and violent to my golden child, older, far bigger and taller brother. She totally denies any kind of verbal and physical abuse from my brother, sexualised behaviour and so forth.

I cannot see how my dd would ever name a future child after him or anyone, who has hurt me so much. I would be incredibly hurt. However, I also wouldn’t be a that much of a drama Queen to miss her wedding.

I wouldn’t name your child the name she hates simply because she could become very spiteful with you and your children.

[HoardingSamphireSaurus]

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this,

Did he do anythng when she refused to go to his wedding because she didn't like his choice of wife?

Whatever he did or did not do hasn't had any impact on her behaviour towards you. I am surprised she is involved in any way at all! Let alone claiming rights of veto.

His 'not wanting the drama' comes at a cost - one you seem to be paying! Is that how the rest of your life together is going to be?

I ask that as a wife who let it all slide for about 15 years before standing up for myself and causing almight family upheaval. Which DH was entirely relieved by!

[Capferret]

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 good for your dm.
Let her be your guide.

[RowanAlong]

She has no rights to dictate your choice of name. However given how difficult she is going to be about it, and how much it would cloud your moment, I’d pick another name ... and battle. Time to start re-establishing some boundaries as a team with your DH?

[ThatCampWitch]

@PinkWednesdays

It sounds like sooner or later she will stop talking to you again for a stupid reason. And then you would have given in to her crazy demands for someone who will happily cut you out when it suits her.

Ignore her. It’s your child.

Absolutely this. This is what I thought too.

[nathanandfanny]

Your mother in law is being unreasonable but still if you can bear it, choose another
I abandoned a name I liked because it would have upset my godchild (it was her sisters name and at the time my god child - I learned fro my her mum - hated her own name)
I knew she was a teenager , I knew she’d grow out of , but ultimately it wasn’t worth it
I like the second choice name more now