Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

My mum was like this when my sister and I wanted to name our sons after our deceased father (they were divorced). My sister relented and used it as a middle name. I ignored her and used it as a first name.
She got over herself pretty quickly, but then she’s probably more reasonable than your MIL and knows not to cut her nose to spite her face.

You both have to agree on the name is my bottom line. There were names I absolutely adored that DH didn't like, so we jettisoned them.

And all four grandparents hated the name we did choose for DS (which we only told them after he was born), on the grounds of it not being a 'nice ordinary name.' When I asked what my MIL thought we should have called him, she said 'John', then thought a bit and said 'Or Gary. I've always liked Gary'.

In your shoes I'd probably be mildly annoyed that a name I loved had been ruled out for family association reasons, but the reason I wouldn't use it would have nothing to do with MIL, but with the fact that the name would now have acquired negative associations for me via the ILs' kerfuffle.

Your MIL sounds like a terrible pain in the ass, but that's by the by here, for me.

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@RabitWhole

Part of me thinks that but equally I feel a bit exhausted with all the drama snd I don’t want this to escalate. On the other hand I genuinely want to call my baby this name and feel a bit sad/annoyed about it.[/quote]
OK then.
Give in to this, & you will find yourself being railroaded over every decision you mistakenly thought was your own to make.

Of course you're exhausted. DH doesn't have your back & wants to lie down so his mother can walk all over you. Again.

Your MiL is a shitstirrer who doesn't care what tactics she uses to get her own way - she boycotted her own son's wedding FFS!
So I think you have 2 options:

1. Tell DH he gets on Team Wife pronto, hold your line in the sand, tell MiL what name you are choosing & ride out the drama as she fulminates, possibly for months. If you feel up to this one it also shows her that you are not going to accept being dictated to by her about anything baby-related.
2. Just don't tell her. Register the long name, but otherwise use the nickname at all times & let her think she's "won". The truth will probably come out at some stage, but this buys you some time while you concentrate on the much more important business of your pregnancy. When she eventually finds out, revert to 1) & bonus points for telling her she's utterly ridiculous if she reckons she gets to decide what you want to call & how you want to raise your own child.

Going forward - Grey Rock the fuck out of this relationship.
It's not at an 'all time high' - you are just having a brief time of respite until she kicks off about something else she's decided displeases her.
Pandering to people who enjoy steamrollering you will only get you squashed flatter - there is nothing you can do to prevent her causing drama, so it's up to you how much you put up with.

But I'd laugh her out of my house for half the outrages you have described. Have you ever tried that? - laugh loudly at how overbearing she is, & tell her to feck off home til she can behave herself? Or will DH not like that either, 'cos he prefers to kowtow to her while you suck up her rudeness?

She doesn't have the right, of course not. But I do understand how names can have negative associations, and unless I was really committed to the name I think I would avoid it for this reason. That said, I'm sure the association with the name would change in time and become her grandsons name rather than her brothers.

Don't tell her the long name?

there are battles and wars and in not fighting this battle you may well win the overall war (metaphorically speaking that is). There are sensitivities to the name, you have no strong connection a=or affiliation with it - choose something else. There surely cannot be only 3 or 5 names you like in the whole world!

Yep - I am on the side of using the nickname from day one and telling her that - but registering the long name...but I am a devious cow.

There’s only drama because you’re both facilitating it.

The more you allow your MIL to dictate policy in your household, the more she will believe she is entitled to do so.

I’d have been very clear with her about her influence on my choices when she didn’t attend the wedding. She either accepts my choices or we go low or no contact.

Children don’t actually need grandparents in their lives and you’d be doing your children no favours if you allow your MIL to influence them negatively growing up.

As for names I wished I'd used...I like Caleb, Joshua, Dante, Scott, Theo, Mackenzie, Rafferty, Ronan, Roman...there's loads out there OP.

Your husband doesn’t want the drama so I would find another name. I think you would be mean to ‘push’ him to agree with you.

It sounds like you get on well now, it’s good for your kids to have a relationship w GPS etc.

They're not "getting on well", they are simply brushing MiL's propensity to steamroller & boycott people on a whim. There'll be another drama along soon enough, whether OP backs down on this one or not.

And how is it "good" for children to have a relationship with a steamroller?

But it's not Op causing the drama is it?

She & her husbandlike a name & MIL doesn't.

So what?

What is MIL going to do?

Cut them out?

Result!

She's being totally unreasonable, and probably always will be. You definitely need a bit of regime change.

But why upset someone when it is within your gift not to? and especially over something as emotionally charged as your DCs name.

@4amstarts

I wouldn't use the name either - I think it's a bit odd using a name of a still living person in the family

Seriously? My husband is Christopher, and my sister used it as my nephew's middle name. It's a compliment!

I know several people who use their middle name as their everyday name...as a compromise could you do that, especially as you want to use a nickname anyway.

So Arthur Benjamin Smith on the birth certificate, known to everyone from day 1 as Ben...

Your baby, you pick the name.
Don't let her bully you into what she wants.
My mother in law called my little boys name a dog name, told her what a shame you think that n called him it anyway. Screw them

@Gottahavehighhopes

If this was reversed

My DH wants to name our child, and says that the only name he likes is a name that has a complex history in my family. My mother has a poor relationship with the relative, is no contact and I think she will be upset and don't want to force the issue. My husband says its the only name he likes

Would people still being saying that not choosing the name would be giving her a greenlight to interfere? This baby is his not hers to name?

You're damn right I'd still be saying so. Because in your version, it's OP's mother who chose to boycott her & DH's wedding.

She doesn't get a say. The more people pander to overbearing people, the more they expect to rule the roost.

She didn't come to the wedding and disapproved of the relationship. The fuck she gets an opinion. I wouldn't even be seeing her. She's made her stance very clear. Why on earth does any adult excuse brattish manipulative behaviour. That's a very frliem boundary for me.

I'm amazed by the number of posters here who think the MIL gets any say at all on the name OP picks for her baby...makes me wonder if some are grandparents themselves.

MIL doesn't get to choose the name, because it's not her baby. OP and OP's DH get to choose the name, because it's their child.

I would have found it totally bizarre to go and check with my family what name my child should have.

Weddings and kids. In family life in there anything bigger?

What battle should OP choose to make a stand on?

I wouldn't use it. You say you know but you really don't know. If my daughter wanted to use my brothers name for one of her children, I would ask her not to. I would not tell her why.

Your mother is very unpleasant to have said "fuck her and fuck what she wants".

She doesn't get to choose, OP. You do.

Yes she does have the right to veto the name. Not legally obviously, but morally. For all you know she was abused or bullied terribly by him and doesn’t want another male child she should love to have the same name. Understandable.

There are literally hundreds and hundreds of boys names - surely you have more than three you can bear to call a child.

If you are going to use the nickname any way then I would use an alternative.
Ed could be Edwin, Edward, Edmund or Edgar but no one would know which unless you told them.Why upset your mil unnecessarily? If the name was unique it would be different but he will always be Freddie never Frederick, Wilfred, Alfred etc so it doesn’t matter.

Your MIL has no say. Your husband, however, does get a say and I don't think it's unreasonable for him to take into account his mother's feelings as one factor among many. That's not to say you shouldn't use the name.

When I was pregnant my MIL said "It doesn't matter what you call him, as young as you don't call him ". By pure chance actually was the name we wanted to use, and we went ahead and did it. MIL's objection was only that the name was too common but she was completely wrong on that score- it was a common name 60 years ago, pretty rare now.