AIBU to feel horrified that I need medication to be a decent parent?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I keep trying to blame my rubbish parenting on anything and everything else- my own upbringing, my relationship with my partner, my tiredness etc - but fundamentally for whatever reason this is who I am. I used to be a great mum to my eldest, really good. Until she was about 3 we were such a team. I loved her more than anything and could do anything for her.

However other aspects of my life got on top of me and I had a bit of a breakdown. Went on citalopram. Became much better. Came off it to get pregnant and have another baby and I'm basically a shit parent now to both children.

The worst thing is I'm inconsistent. At my worst im angry and rough (so ashamed even writing it down but it's true - daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate. I'm just all over the place, I'm utterly utterly useless. She must be so miserable and confused and wondering where her lovely kind mummy has gone. I'm literally crying my eyes out over the sleeping baby as I write this. I'm so ashamed.

The obvious answer is to go back on my pills. But I honestly thought they could just be a bridge to get me through a really hard time. I never thought I'd be dependent on them just to handle my every day life, just to be kind to my children. I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person. Why can't I be just a kind loving person without them? I used to be!

I sincerely hate myself right now. I'm weak, which I could bear; but I'm also selfish and fundamentally unkind and there's absolutely no getting away from or forgiving that. My children deserve so so much better but I'm ruining them, they won't know how to be happy because I'm not showing them what that is (neither is their dad which is a different story but compounds the problem). Every night when they're asleep (indeed any time I get 5 minutes to think) I feel so remorseful and ashamed and vow to do better. Then every day by breakfast time I'm already raging with irritation, laying blame, being mean.

No idea why I'm posting really. I know I need to go back on my tablets and see if it helps. And if it doesn't and this is just who I am now then I honestly think I just have to take myself out of the equation. Because nothing that's happening rises to the level a social worker would gets involved, but it's definitely definitely at a level to be really damaging to a sensitive child like my eldest daughter. As for my baby, honestly I barely feel like i know her at 9 months old, as I'm so not in the right headspace. I am not impatient with her like I am with my eldest but I certainly don't shower her with the same totally unlimited love I had for eldest as a baby, and the self sacrifice babies need just doesn't come easily or instinctively like it did with eldest as a baby. I'm honestly just getting through days at my worst. It's such a waste of this precious time and do unfair to her.

I hope the tablets help. But God I'm so ashamed I need them to be decent. I thought I was a good person but I'm not at all. I'm weak and broken and needy and erratic and frankly mean. How can I live any kind of life or be any kind of parent hating myself this much, even if medication can help me at least be more patient?

Some people have a chemical imbalance which requires life long medication. It isn’t your fault. My dh is on citalopram 30mg and will probably take it for the rest of his life. He has bpd and without the Citalopram he cannot work and is miserable. It has been life changing for him and if it is for you too you should take it.

If you need tablets to help you then surely that makes you a better parent to look after yourself so you can look after your children?

If you had a headache would you take painkillers? If you had thyroid issues would you take meds? Of course you would don't feel looking after your mental health is a negative thing.

Argh. I was like this when mine were little. I had other stuff going on as well, which didn't help. Mine are teens now and I still have other niggles. I am on antidepressants now - have been for 4 or 5 years now. I wish I had taken them sooner. They're not perfect but I don't get the out of control rage I was getting.

For me , it was hormonal. I am also not good if I don’t get the right amount of sleep and down time. I hate that I need space but that's just me and I have made my peace with it now. If this is you, you will definitely find older children easier. Small children weren't compatible with how I was.

Definitely get your dh to step up if he isn't. Tell him, don't ask. He might whinge he's tired or at work. Well, so are you.

I did have counselling which was great for getting me to look at self care and being kind to myself

Take the pills. Take them and know that by doing so you are being a good parent. By getting treatment you are putting your love for your children and care for them first. You aren't a bad parent - you clearly love. Your children and want the best for them. Treating your illness will help you be the neat parent to them.

I've been in your situation. Suffering from depreasion is not some sort of moral failing ' it says absolutrly nothing about whether you are a good person or
not, ok? It's all about how you chose to deal with it.

Have you tried any counselling? You could do this in conjunction with the anti-depressants and learn some other copi g strategies for when you start to get irrita le. Know your triggers and your limits etc and most importantly, to stop judging yourself so harshly.

Good luck

Unlike some people YOU have the opportunity to be a great dm. Take it. Take the pills op.
Stop being so hard on yourself
Xxx

You are not weak. If you are getting up day after day, struggling through and doing your best then you are incredibly strong

Stop being so mean to yourself! Parenting is so exhausting and so so hard when you have a toddler and a baby. So hard.

Take the pills to get through. It doesn’t make you broken. It means you are not getting enough rest or sleep or downtime.

Once upon a time village women would have offered communal support to a mother. Someone would have been on hand to help. No one is there. It’s all on you and it’s crushing you a bit and you know what? That’s not your failing!

Take the pills, and give yourself a hug, and say you forgive yourself for not being superhuman.

Like many people, you need a bit if help to conform to the person the modern world thinks you should be. For some people that is physical help, for some it means medication. The medication will allow you to be the true uou, not the one whose head is having a bit of a hard time.
Take the medication, be the nest you can be for your kids, and be easy on yourself. Xxx

You're not alone OP. Plenty of people are on long term ADs. If they make you happier and more able to cope, why not? It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Think about taking them alongside some other coping strategies, as a PP suggested.

Go easy on yourself. The meds don't make you a better parent, the illness makes you struggle more. I'm exactly the same but I am myself when I am on my medication, so I keep taking it. Probably always will.

Take the medication, don't be so hard on yourself

Oh, sweetheart, don't beat yourself up. If the pills will help you get through this then you should take them without question. You're not a bad person, you're a human being and a mother who is doing the best she can currently do. You'll never be the perfect or ideal mum - I don't think anyone will, to be honest.

I hope that things start to improve for you soon, once the pills have helped you regain your self esteem and confidence. Big hugs to you.

I am so sorry to hear you feel like this @Draineddraineddrained

Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s extremely stressful and tiring and you’re doing an amazing job. I only have 1 son and I constantly shout and scream with frustration and then feel so horribly guilty. But. It is hard and the more pressure you put on yourself it doesn’t help. Take it day by day and enjoy the good bits x

Needing medication to help regulate your serotonin levels is not a crime. I’ve been on citalopram for years and would definitely be a worse mum without it. Please be kind to yourself OP.

Please do start taking the pills. You can always come off them again in the future and see where things land. Now doesn't mean always. It is really positive you recognise the impact inconsistent parenting has and doing something about it now makes you far from a useless mum. Best of luck.

If you were diabetic, would you refuse to take insulin? Mental health is not different from physical health. If you need to take an SSRI to achieve the right chemical balance in your brain, that's no different from needing insulin to get the right chemical balance in your body.

A lot of people take medication to enable them to be a better parent and person - I doubt you would judge any of them as harshly as you're judging yourself. In my friendship group alone there are the following:

• a parent with arthritis who takes drugs that allow her to pick up her baby and not be tired and in pain all the time
• two parents with IBD who take drugs that allow them to go out and about with their children rather than staying in to be near the toilet
• a parent with asthma who takes drugs to be able to run around with her child
• a parent with depression who takes antidepressants to stabilise her moods and be able to interact with her child positively

and many more.

Do you think all these people are lacking, or just the mental health one? Why is that? Perhaps explore why you think that and if you would really think it about anyone else or just yourself. You should be at least as kind to yourself as you would be to a stranger in the situation, you are doing the absolute best for your children, it isn't a weakness to give yourself any support you need.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Stop being so mean to yourself! Parenting is so exhausting and so so hard when you have a toddler and a baby. So hard.

Take the pills to get through. It doesn’t make you broken. It means you are not getting enough rest or sleep or downtime.

Once upon a time village women would have offered communal support to a mother. Someone would have been on hand to help. No one is there. It’s all on you and it’s crushing you a bit and you know what? That’s not your failing!

Take the pills, and give yourself a hug, and say you forgive yourself for not being superhuman.

Just the post I was going write.

Honestly, op, you sound overwhelmed and normal. Of course that doesn't mean you can't recognise where you need to be better but you're not a bad parent.

Just because medication might be needed by you now doesn't mean you'll be on it forever. But if you are, what does it matter? It doesn't mean you're bad or selfish or unkind. It just means you have a dopamine deficiency.

Speak to your gp and close fiends and family for extra support if possible.

And be nice to yourself. You'll cope a lot better if you stop piling on the guilt, shame and frustration with yourself

You wouldn’t hobble about in agony with a broken leg without treatment so don’t try to battle along without medication.

Take the pills and throw out the shame. I would be suicidal without mine. You are not alone

The only mistake you made was coming off your meds to havr more children. Forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up about it. Stop beating yourself up about how you have been parenting. Parenting is extremely hard and very few people are actually ready to be a parent or are perfect. All you can do is your best. Go back on your anti depressants and keep doing what you have to do. Just keep trying to be better than you were yesterday. Nobody is perfect. We can only keep trying to do better.

It is really positive you recognise the impact inconsistent parenting has and doing something about it now makes you far from a useless mum.

Oh yes this. I wish my mum had been on some kind of medication in retrospect. Her inconsistency was very scary. Please take them and go easier on yourself.

Look at it this way. If you were diabetic and needed insulin, you wouldn't think twice about taking medication. The same with antibiotics. Antidepressants are another medication that simply makes your body work in the way it should do. Do not feel ashamed.

I feel like this OP. I am on a low dose of Sertraline (25mg every other day) as I was trying to taper off them. Like you I didn't like the thought of "needing" them.

I've slipped back into old, shouty habits with my 5 year old, and whilst I can be much more patient with my 2 year old, they are very very hard work. I've recognised I cannot reduce my dosage any further, and if these old habits continue I will most likely go back up to 25mg daily.

for you, and for all of us. It's hard, it's all hard.

@Gandalf456

Argh. I was like this when mine were little. I had other stuff going on as well, which didn't help. Mine are teens now and I still have other niggles. I am on antidepressants now - have been for 4 or 5 years now. I wish I had taken them sooner. They're not perfect but I don't get the out of control rage I was getting.

For me , it was hormonal. I am also not good if I don’t get the right amount of sleep and down time. I hate that I need space but that's just me and I have made my peace with it now. If this is you, you will definitely find older children easier. Small children weren't compatible with how I was.

Definitely get your dh to step up if he isn't. Tell him, don't ask. He might whinge he's tired or at work. Well, so are you.

I did have counselling which was great for getting me to look at self care and being kind to myself

I agree..be kind to yourself poster. You are human and fallible.

I could have written your post OP. I have a newborn and 19 month old. Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've never been on antidepressants before, but my dr has prescribed me Citalopram. You do what you need to do to get by, and stop being so hard on yourself. You sound like a great mother, you just need a little pick me up. X