AIBU to feel horrified that I need medication to be a decent parent?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I keep trying to blame my rubbish parenting on anything and everything else- my own upbringing, my relationship with my partner, my tiredness etc - but fundamentally for whatever reason this is who I am. I used to be a great mum to my eldest, really good. Until she was about 3 we were such a team. I loved her more than anything and could do anything for her.

However other aspects of my life got on top of me and I had a bit of a breakdown. Went on citalopram. Became much better. Came off it to get pregnant and have another baby and I'm basically a shit parent now to both children.

The worst thing is I'm inconsistent. At my worst im angry and rough (so ashamed even writing it down but it's true - daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate. I'm just all over the place, I'm utterly utterly useless. She must be so miserable and confused and wondering where her lovely kind mummy has gone. I'm literally crying my eyes out over the sleeping baby as I write this. I'm so ashamed.

The obvious answer is to go back on my pills. But I honestly thought they could just be a bridge to get me through a really hard time. I never thought I'd be dependent on them just to handle my every day life, just to be kind to my children. I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person. Why can't I be just a kind loving person without them? I used to be!

I sincerely hate myself right now. I'm weak, which I could bear; but I'm also selfish and fundamentally unkind and there's absolutely no getting away from or forgiving that. My children deserve so so much better but I'm ruining them, they won't know how to be happy because I'm not showing them what that is (neither is their dad which is a different story but compounds the problem). Every night when they're asleep (indeed any time I get 5 minutes to think) I feel so remorseful and ashamed and vow to do better. Then every day by breakfast time I'm already raging with irritation, laying blame, being mean.

No idea why I'm posting really. I know I need to go back on my tablets and see if it helps. And if it doesn't and this is just who I am now then I honestly think I just have to take myself out of the equation. Because nothing that's happening rises to the level a social worker would gets involved, but it's definitely definitely at a level to be really damaging to a sensitive child like my eldest daughter. As for my baby, honestly I barely feel like i know her at 9 months old, as I'm so not in the right headspace. I am not impatient with her like I am with my eldest but I certainly don't shower her with the same totally unlimited love I had for eldest as a baby, and the self sacrifice babies need just doesn't come easily or instinctively like it did with eldest as a baby. I'm honestly just getting through days at my worst. It's such a waste of this precious time and do unfair to her.

I hope the tablets help. But God I'm so ashamed I need them to be decent. I thought I was a good person but I'm not at all. I'm weak and broken and needy and erratic and frankly mean. How can I live any kind of life or be any kind of parent hating myself this much, even if medication can help me at least be more patient?

To reassure everyone who is worrying (with reason) about my kids, I am back on the tablets as of today. I know it's what I need to do to be able to stop this awful behaviour. If I feel like things are not changing or getting worse, I'll speak to my HV who was very supportive when my baby was first born and eldest struggled with accepting her arrival - she knows our family and would be a good first port of call in case we need referring on. I mean as I say I don't think, given what I've seen of the system and the types of family situations that are allowed to continue as intervention is deemed inappropriate, I don't think SS would be interested in what's happening here - but to be fair the state I'm in at the moment I'm very unlikely to be the best judge of that am I.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Especially the posters who have experienced this sort of dysfunctional parenting and hammered home how much it is damaging. My own mum had appalling mental health from when she was a child, and finally took her own life three years ago, and my dad was an alcoholic through my childhood, so I do know the damage uhealthy parenting does. I'm just so utterly appalled at myself that knowing that I don't seem to be a good enough person to break the cycle. Aw why

What makes me sad to take the pills (not reluctant, I began them again the minute my baby finished her nap and will carry on taking them as I know they make me better) isn't the stigma as such. It's having to face up to the fact that, without them, in my "natural state" as it were, I'm a bad person and a bad mother. Whatever the reason for that - brain chemistry imbalance, past trauma or whatever - that is who I am. Unless I take pills to change me, I am a bad person. That's hard to face up to and accept. Self indulgent I know as some posters have been very upfront in pointing out, and what matters here is the impact of my behaviour on my kids. Not how I feel about my inner being. But it still makes me appalled and sad that this is who i am now. It's not like diabetes, because the symptoms of diabetes don't include being a bitch to your 4 year old child. An untreated diabetic isn't a bad person who without treatment would do bad things. Even if I was the type of depressive who, if left untreated, would just lie in bed crying all the time, I'd have more sympathy for myself. But apparently my go to reaction is to get up and carry on with my life but become a complete cunt to a little kid. What does that say about me, really me? Nothing good.

If I'd realised that this was who I really am I wouldn't have had children because nobody deserves inadequate parents. As I said I was, genuinely, a brilliant mum to my eldest when she was a baby. My MH took major downturn after my mum's death but for another year or so I was still doing pretty ok for her (not so much at work or for my partner, and the cumulative negative effects of those areas, and ending breastfeeding at the insistence of my partner, eventually tipped me over the ledge mental health wise when she was almost 3. Then citalopram, feeling lots better... Lockdown, coming off the meds, pregnancy, new baby and I've just gone to shit. The fucking obvious mistake was thinking because I had sought help, got medicated, patched things up with my partner, got on top of things with work, gone to counselling re my mum, that all would now be well. I felt better, so I thought I was better. But now I see that it was all the meds, and without them I am a person so broken that I shouldn't have one child, never mind two. If I had not decided to have another child and stayed on the meds, my poor eldest would never have had to go through this horrible part of her life and my poor baby, who I could never wish away for my sake, but for hers, would have been better off.

I'm aware all the above is self indulgent maundering, and I'm sorry. I will take the pills, walk the walk and get back to being the best mum I can be. Which is really all that matters.

What makes me sad to take the pills (not reluctant, I began them again the minute my baby finished her nap and will carry on taking them as I know they make me better) isn't the stigma as such. It's having to face up to the fact that, without them, in my "natural state" as it were, I'm a bad person and a bad mother. Whatever the reason for that - brain chemistry imbalance, past trauma or whatever - that is who I am. Unless I take pills to change me, I am a bad person.

That’s not true, though. You’re choosing to frame it that way for whatever reason - maybe in an attempt to take responsibility in a way that your parents likely never did - but really it’s not correct at all. Bad people choose to do bad things, or choose not to do what they can to live well.

You’re not a bad person, you’re just someone with some difficulties.

We all have difficulties, we can still choose to do what we can to live well.

Oh Op

Be kind to yourself.
You feeling sad that you need pills is like me feeling sad that I need glasses- not logical at all.

These pills allow you to enjoy life and live the way you and your family deserve

Do you judge people who need insulin or psych meds to be stable? Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Hi OP. I have never needed Medication but have always struggled with low moods and depression. Since the birth of my second child two years ago my Mental health was awful. I was a shouty parent who found no joy in my Children. I was put on Sertraline and it saved me, my marriage and made me into the mum I wanted to be. I tried to stop taking it after a year as I hated being dependent on medication when everyone else seems to cope without it. Everything went back to how it was before. I was so unhappy so was my family. I decided ultimately if long term steraline use gives my Children a better mum and childhood then I will happily take them forever.

I hear you op and mental illness is a bit different to physical illnesses in that it massively impacts on our behaviour and relationships.

The important thing is you see that and are making steps to fix it.

I lost my father to a long drawn out illness when my youngest was 3 and that is when I sought help for the first time. It was very tough

My.mum is currently ill and mine are teens now, which brings its own challenges . I don't know how I'd manage if I came off the meds mid menopause

OP, your background and your Mum’s death have almost certainly contributed to this-I know I was a mess after my Mum died and I didn’t have to cope with very young children.

You’re breaking the current cycle by taking your medication and you’d probably benefit from some counseling when you’re ready. You may not even need medication long-term (I haven’t been on it for years, I had one period and then went back on this summer after some stressful events).

So do what you need to now and get back to parenting the way you want/need to.

I should’ve said, sorry about your mum.

I ticked YABU because you are being so hard on yourself. By the way, you say someone with diabetes wouldn't be "bad" without meds, well actually people can be in a dangerous rage when their blood sugar is not managed.

Well done for going back on the meds, they helped before so it seems completely logical to try them again.

This is a good book to get your head into www.goodreads.com/book/show/38510057-the-compassionate-mind-approach-to-difficult-emotions

Blimey OP you are tough on yourself. You have had some very difficult times clearly but you are finding a way through. If you cannot be kind to yourself then how can you be kind to your children? You count too - please look after yourself I find Dr Becky Kennedy on instagram very helpful for this kind of compassion.

@Draineddraineddrained Will you consider giving therapy sessions a go and tell your counsellor what you've said here? Please do - it's a very destructive thought cycle to be stuck in and undoubtedly linked to your state of mind at present.

If say your kidney weren't working properly & you needed medication you would take it. It is the same for antidepressants, something in your brain isn't working properly & you need serotonin supplements, think of it as a health supplement, not a drug. There is no shame in needing antidepressants, I have been on them on & off since I was 17 & continuously since ds was born 17 years ago, without them I am a mess, they help me cope, I still sometimes have bad days but they are nowhere near as bad as they would be without my tablets. You need to keep on them, not stopping & starting, unless you do then you will always feel like you do.

You're not the bad mum if you do everything you can to help yourself.
Do it for you and for your children.

Do everything you can to help yourself. It is no shame to take a pill to help yourself. You would do that for any other ilness.

My thoughts are with you, OP. I wish you all the best.

Thanks again for the thoughts all. Oddly another thread on MN has me wondering if something else is at play here, as today my period has started and black mood lifted considerably - I know I have been much me prone to PMS since having babies, wondering if this could be intensifying or exacerbating the mood disorder generally. Which is not to make excuses, nor does it change the treatment plan, but might help me to increase my self awareness and avoid trigger times somehoww

Your posts have resonated with me OP. Without my sertraline I am not a good parent, I try but I have no patience and am very irritable and frustrated, which with a 6 and 3 year old is not good. I wish I didn't need it, but I know I have a chemical imbalance and the pills right that. I'd take the pills for any other illness so why wouldn't I for this?

However your most recent post also got to me, the past week I've been more tetchy than normal and this morning my period has arrived. I was considering if I'd have to up my dosage but maybe it is just an additional hormonal PMS situation at play.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed to need the help of medication. Taking the treatment and being the best mum you can be is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.

Yes, I had to take Fluoextine specifically for PMS. I haven't had a period for a couple of months now but they said I could stay on them for the menopause

@Draineddraineddrained

Thanks again for the thoughts all. Oddly another thread on MN has me wondering if something else is at play here, as today my period has started and black mood lifted considerably - I know I have been much me prone to PMS since having babies, wondering if this could be intensifying or exacerbating the mood disorder generally. Which is not to make excuses, nor does it change the treatment plan, but might help me to increase my self awareness and avoid trigger times somehoww

Hmm that is interesting... certainly since having children I have noticed a difference in myself. I think maybe hormones are to blame here and it's not something we can control. If your baby is still so little then it may be a bit of PND. You aren't a rubbish mum, you are the opposite as you realise how you need to change. I hope you feel better soon.

If you had diabetes, would you take insulin long term to make up for your body not producing it? Taking ADs is exactly the same. For whatever reason your body isn't producing something. Taking medication for it is the same as insulin would be. Or using a walking stick for a dodgy hip.

It's not a moral issue, although society trains us to see all flaws as moral failures. It's not. It's a physical ailment. No more, no less.

Good luck btw. Kids can be very hard work. And you're brave to even acknowledge a problem - a lot don't.

4 days into a 5mg dose and I'm remembering one of the things I didn't like about taking it is the nausea! but I'm definitely keeping my temper better (although that could just as easily be the menstrual stuff and/or the shock of having reached rock bottom and publicly confessing I suppose).

Honestly I do love my children so very much, I know it sounds dreadful and it is but I am so committed to giving them the very best life I can. My greatest ambition for them isn't that they are always happy (unrealistic and a huge pressure on a kid) but that they have that base level of good mental health (self esteem, confidence, a sense of entitlement to be treated well, and to feel safe) that they can handle the knocks that have blindsided and disabled me. And for them to know they can turn to me at any time and I'll hold them up and protect them. I'll do anything I can to be that person for them.

Can I ask, anyone whose parent had mental health problems they were aware of as a child but still has a good relationship with their parent and/or good mental health, what did your parent do right that enabled that?

Yes @Draineddraineddrained my mum did, though relatively minor like yours. I was able to talk very openly with her and we shared a sense of humour. Sometimes I did resent her but, as an adult, you forgive your parents and realise they're not perfect - especially when you have kids of your own

Are you breastfeeding or on hormonal contraception? Both made me batsh*t so I always check when people are struggling

Also when your kids are small it is very easy to get touched out and overwhelmed so build in solo quiet time every day. Get as much help as you can afford and use tv etc so you can get a break. If getting out for activities etc makes you lose it then dial these back. Think about what a calm day looks like for you and try to recreate it.

You’re very brave OP. Don’t put yourself down so much as you are trying to do better. Good luck with everything.

@Unsureschool

Also when your kids are small it is very easy to get touched out and overwhelmed so build in solo quiet time every day. Get as much help as you can afford and use tv etc so you can get a break. If getting out for activities etc makes you lose it then dial these back. Think about what a calm day looks like for you and try to recreate it.

This is good advice.

Life is made up of moments that build up to hours, days, weeks, years. Keep calm in the moment and life will be calmer throughout. Instead of putting pressure on yourself by thinking long-term, keep your focus on the very short-term. Things are okay right now, things can be calm right now.

@Draineddraineddrained I wanted to comment and say that I have a just turned 4 year old and an almost 2 year old. I have struggled for months with my pms and symptoms for a week or so are horrific. A week or so after my period starts I am a different person, like me again. I had to speak to my GP because I was becoming a mum I didn't like very much for a couple of weeks each month, shouty, lethargic, unmotivated and darn unpleasant at times. My husband commented on my mood and behaviour changes too. My GP has put me on fluoxetine for the last two weeks of my cycle to help me combat the severe pms I have encountered since giving birth. I am taking my medication to help me feel as good as I can feel which in turn will benefit my children and husband. I hope you feel better soon too. I have posted to let you know you are not alone and by the number posted on here it is clear we are both not alone in feeling like this at times. You deserve to feel the best you can too.