AIBU to feel horrified that I need medication to be a decent parent?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I keep trying to blame my rubbish parenting on anything and everything else- my own upbringing, my relationship with my partner, my tiredness etc - but fundamentally for whatever reason this is who I am. I used to be a great mum to my eldest, really good. Until she was about 3 we were such a team. I loved her more than anything and could do anything for her.

However other aspects of my life got on top of me and I had a bit of a breakdown. Went on citalopram. Became much better. Came off it to get pregnant and have another baby and I'm basically a shit parent now to both children.

The worst thing is I'm inconsistent. At my worst im angry and rough (so ashamed even writing it down but it's true - daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate. I'm just all over the place, I'm utterly utterly useless. She must be so miserable and confused and wondering where her lovely kind mummy has gone. I'm literally crying my eyes out over the sleeping baby as I write this. I'm so ashamed.

The obvious answer is to go back on my pills. But I honestly thought they could just be a bridge to get me through a really hard time. I never thought I'd be dependent on them just to handle my every day life, just to be kind to my children. I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person. Why can't I be just a kind loving person without them? I used to be!

I sincerely hate myself right now. I'm weak, which I could bear; but I'm also selfish and fundamentally unkind and there's absolutely no getting away from or forgiving that. My children deserve so so much better but I'm ruining them, they won't know how to be happy because I'm not showing them what that is (neither is their dad which is a different story but compounds the problem). Every night when they're asleep (indeed any time I get 5 minutes to think) I feel so remorseful and ashamed and vow to do better. Then every day by breakfast time I'm already raging with irritation, laying blame, being mean.

No idea why I'm posting really. I know I need to go back on my tablets and see if it helps. And if it doesn't and this is just who I am now then I honestly think I just have to take myself out of the equation. Because nothing that's happening rises to the level a social worker would gets involved, but it's definitely definitely at a level to be really damaging to a sensitive child like my eldest daughter. As for my baby, honestly I barely feel like i know her at 9 months old, as I'm so not in the right headspace. I am not impatient with her like I am with my eldest but I certainly don't shower her with the same totally unlimited love I had for eldest as a baby, and the self sacrifice babies need just doesn't come easily or instinctively like it did with eldest as a baby. I'm honestly just getting through days at my worst. It's such a waste of this precious time and do unfair to her.

I hope the tablets help. But God I'm so ashamed I need them to be decent. I thought I was a good person but I'm not at all. I'm weak and broken and needy and erratic and frankly mean. How can I live any kind of life or be any kind of parent hating myself this much, even if medication can help me at least be more patient?

@AtrociousCircumstance

Stop being so mean to yourself! Parenting is so exhausting and so so hard when you have a toddler and a baby. So hard.

Take the pills to get through. It doesn’t make you broken. It means you are not getting enough rest or sleep or downtime.

Once upon a time village women would have offered communal support to a mother. Someone would have been on hand to help. No one is there. It’s all on you and it’s crushing you a bit and you know what? That’s not your failing!

Take the pills, and give yourself a hug, and say you forgive yourself for not being superhuman.

This and Gandalfs posts resonate with me among other posts too. I was also sometimes that short tempered mother, wrestling a child angrily into a car seat, or pyjamas. I felt tears well up for you OP, reading your post. There were reasons for me feeling like that, a combination of the two posts I have mentioned (hormones eg undiagnosed thyroid disease, exhaustion, years of no sleep and living somewhere where I had nobody to help or even to talk to, apart from my also overloaded DH. I am a much, much more patient parent with teenagers than I was then, because most of the compounding factors have been resolved. This too shall pass OP. A baby and a toddler is the hardest time. It will get easier. Take any medical help you need to feel better, take each day at a time. We are all learning parenting as we go along, most of us have patches that are really hard, or ages we find more difficult. Throw in any additional stresses and it can impossible to always be calm and good humoured. Apologise to your toddler if you have overreacted, and know that this will change and you will be better equipped to deal with the trials of the teenage years, having struggled now. As said above, this is not your failing, humans are not designed to live so independently, motherhood should not be this difficult. to you OP.

Like PP have said, it's ok to take medication.
Raising children is hard. Our society is more stressful in many ways than even 20 years ago.

Just being aware and caring says a lot. I'll likely be on medication for the rest of my life.
I resisted it for quite a few years and it was miserable to the point I could barely function.
I remember my mum talking about how my grandmother had severe boughts of depression and was bedridden for months at a time. That was long before modern antidepressants were available.

I hope you will be kind to yourself. See about getting back on your medication and have counseling with it. Carve out some time for a bit of exercise and meditation each day.

Please, please be kinder to yourself. Talk to your partner about how your feeling, and speak to your doctor - ask for a referral to talking therapies. The waiting list might be long but it can be really helpful to speak to someone impartial who is going to give you honest, helpful feedback that can help you not only improve how you’re feeling, but can help you improve your relationship with the children.
I’ve been on antidepressants since I was 17 - over a third of my life now, and I still struggle with the fact that I can’t function like a “normal” human being without them - I’ve been crying every day since I stopped them because of my pregnancy, and it’s horrible, and I totally get how you feel. But it’s no different to my partner needing thyroid medication to function like a “normal” human being, or my father needing blood thinners to function like a “normal” human being. The majority of people need some sort of medication to function properly - it doesn’t make them bad people, it just means their body needs a little help. And it’s the same for you; you just need a little help. And that’s OK.

YABVU to judge yourself. If a friend was in the same situation, what would you say to her? Be kind and use those same words to yourself. It's not a failing in any way.

Sounds like you have postnatal depression. Get treatment. You're not a bad person.

Would you feel bad it you had diabetes and needed to have insulin? Or you you had a broken leg and needed to use crutches? MH meds are no different.

You are not a worse person because your brain isn't making the right chemicals. You aren't a worse parent for seeking help for a medical issue.

I’ve been there, OP.

PND and a breakdown after my DS. I take sertraline.

Like you, I’d like to come off it to get pregnant in future, but will go straight back on if I struggle again. I’m due to come off it in spring anyway (slowly) so will see how that goes.

Tiredness makes everything worse too, and I become more irritable and snappy.

There’s no shame in taking tablets permanently, or at least for a few years while you have small children; it’s a tough time anyway, particularly if you’re struggling with demons from your own childhood and PND.

Just go back on them, take them for as long as you need to, and don’t feel ashamed.

But please, don’t be rough with your daughter; she’s just a little girl and none of this is her fault. Get back on the pills, stay on them, and don’t be afraid to ask for help at every turn.

Modern life is too difficult and too stressful. Early humans lived in groups and essential tasks, including childcare, were shared communally. Even most of our great grandparents lived in tight-knit communities where they could chuck the kids out onto the street in the morning and be sure there would be some neighbours keeping an eye out for them. The nuclear family with one adult at home, isolated in a brick box with the children for 9-10 hours a day with no input from any other adults, not even another adult to hold the baby while she goes to the loo, is an extremely recent development in human history. It is too stressful. This doesn't help you, but it's just to say that if you're struggling it's not because there's something wrong with YOU.

Plenty of people have hormone imbalances and need medication to be the best person they can be. Sure, they didn't always exist. And guess what? People suffered and the children suffered.

Look after yourself, get on some meds and be the mum you want to be.

I'm also currently on them. No regrets. :)

@appleturnovers

Modern life is too difficult and too stressful. Early humans lived in groups and essential tasks, including childcare, were shared communally. Even most of our great grandparents lived in tight-knit communities where they could chuck the kids out onto the street in the morning and be sure there would be some neighbours keeping an eye out for them. The nuclear family with one adult at home, isolated in a brick box with the children for 9-10 hours a day with no input from any other adults, not even another adult to hold the baby while she goes to the loo, is an extremely recent development in human history. It is too stressful. This doesn't help you, but it's just to say that if you're struggling it's not because there's something wrong with YOU.

This. In spades.

If you need to be on meds to function properly, then that's what decent parents should do. Plenty of parents are on many sort of meds, as well as plenty of kids.

@BiscuitLover09876

Plenty of people have hormone imbalances and need medication to be the best person they can be. Sure, they didn't always exist. And guess what? People suffered and the children suffered.

Look after yourself, get on some meds and be the mum you want to be.

I'm also currently on them. No regrets. :)

Same here. I’ve been on medication for some years now. I’ve adjusted to the idea, as I know it helps me to be a good parent to my two DDs (now 12 and 9).

Please see your GP, OP. They’re there to help you and no one will judge you.

Hello from another Medicated Mother! There are thousands of us quietly getting in with life knowing we’re just one missed prescription away from a meltdown. It’s not a bad thing OP, it’s actually brilliant that you’re self-aware enough to take responsibility and manage the situation. I think of it like reading emails from my kids’ school, or making sure their water bottles are filled - it’s just another thing I need to do to be a good parent. Also, it won’t be just you: people don’t tend to talk about this sort of thing at the school gate, but so many parents need help to regulate their moods.

No idea why I'm posting really.

Because it satisfies something in you to give yourself a kicking. It doesn't make you happy, but it fulfils something.

If you want to be the best possible mother to your kids, do what it requires. They gain nothing from you beating yourself up and telling yourself how shit you are all the time. They would benefit far more from you just taking the medicine if that's what you need to get your balance.

"I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person." Well, with no disrespect intended, thats your issue. Your children won't care, just as long as you're present, balanced and doing the best you can. Don't refuse to take medicine you need, to your children's detriment, just to satisfy your self image.

I'm sure you know how common it is to take medicine for mental health and wouldn't judge anyone else for it. It is exhausting being around people who hate themselves. They may think they're doing the right thing by not being complacent or conceited, but they require endless managing and reassurance and that's exhausting for anyone...and not a child's job.

If you needed insulin so as not to go into hypoglycaemic shock and die or become too ill to take care of your children you would take it without question.

The only difference is that diabetes is viewed as a socially “acceptable” illness and depression isn’t.

If you need medication, you take it. Xx

Is the reason you are still off of the tablets because you couldn’t take them while breastfeeding?

Have you spoken to your GP about taking a different type of antidepressant that is suitable for breastfeeding until your baby is older?

I know what you mean about not wanting to feel reliant on pills but at the same time I don’t see having a baby, a time of high stress and anxiety, as a good time to try and come off of medication.

I was prescribed antidepressants that would be safe to take while trying for a baby, during pregnancy, and breastfeeding as I felt dealing with the the potential added worries of pregnancy/new baby would outweigh the mostly self induced ‘stigma’ of being on meds.

I do intend to try and come off at some point but not till baby is a little older.

A lot of what you described is normal and is probably relatable to a lot of mothers trying to juggle the needs of a toddler with the needs of a newborn which are quite different. I suspect it feels worse because of the mental anguish you are also going through.

I think you need to go back for a long chat with your GP about how you feel and what your options are. You don’t want to push yourself into another breakdown trying to cope alone if you genuinely need medication to help you get back on track for a little while.

There will be lots of time in the future to try to reduce or come off again but at the moment you want to be able to enjoy time with your young family without having to second guess your own state of mind.

Next time you try to come off try and do it in tandem with some CBT therapy and to get more check ins with your doc so that you can have your progress monitored.

Do you have someone close you can call on to keep an eye on the kids while you have a cup of tea and a breather at some point today?

Btw know how it feels when having a crap day and end up crying back at the baby 😌

This is going to sound so odd, but thank you for posting this OP. I have no reason to be the way I am. I am dealing with far less stresses than many on here, but sometimes I’m not a good person. I believe I maybe peri menopausal, and the thought of taking medication really rankles with me, but I’ve no idea why.
You are a good person OP, and you have been able to look at your situation with complete honesty, not many people can do that. If this was one of your friends would you judge them? You don’t sound like you would. Time to be that friend to yourself.

To be blunt your abusive behaviour toward your child is unacceptable pushing her and dragging clothes from her body the love bombing is abusive. If you said your DH done those thing to you people would say leave.

You are not a bad person otherwise you wouldn't care your ill and you need to go on your tablets and seek therapy today.

Your kids need you so much you have before been able to get ontop of this mental illness you have and you can again and be that loving mum to them both.

Get meds seek help even if you have to pay do it. Good luck you can do this

I was very similar when my younger was a baby, I was angry, short tempered and feeling like I was failing as a mum. I was a horrible partner too. I really recognise the part of being inconsistent too.

I did talking therapy which did help but honestly what I realise in hindsight I didn't have a mental health problem as much as I had a structural problem - my DP was working six days a week, I was on maternity leave with all the drudgery that that involved, the baby didn't sleep and the only family support I could count on with my first DC was not available second time round.

Having small children is exhausting. By all means do take the medication if you need it, but also recognise that this is hard time. I notice that you don't mention your DP at all - do they get involved? Do you get time to recharge?

I think it's great that you recognise that you need to do something about this for your children, but also see being kind to yourself and getting help for yourself as part of being a great mum, which you are, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Please don't hate yourself.

you said that you thought they would be a bridge to see you over a hard time, but having a toddler and a baby IS a hard time - its fucking tough.

Take the meds. be kind. You have 3 years in the bag with your daughter and a few months of tetchyness due to stress and no doubt exhaustion, never mind the anxiety you are causing yourself by beating yourself up. Its a blip. She will have her kind mummy back.

Having kids is hard

I voted YABU but then thought it could be taken the other way. IMO YABU to feel bad about the pills. Sometimes we all need a little help, I take pills for my heart, you have pills for something else, it’s all valid and it’s all fine. Be kind to yourself OP

You are not an awful person., You are sensitive to exhaustion. You have two DC under school age. And you are far form the only parent who is tetchy and erratic unless medicated. I was a much better parent on Citalopram. No shame in it. Take the pills wityhout guilt to get you through the hardest parenting years and then maybe take a break when your baby is sleeping through and you feel on a even keel. If you find you need them, they are there. It's not a crime. It's basically just a replenishing of the natural chemicals in the brain that keep you calm and happy. Yours ran out. Like millions of other parents world wide.

Needing antidepressants to be able to be a good parent is not a bad thing as others have said.

Not taking antidepressants when you know you are being an abusive parent and they will help makes you an abusive parent.

Yes your children deserve better.

That's not to say you don't deserve sympathy but your kids can't escape this

Do what you need to do to make your life work. There is no 'gold standard' you have to live up to. If it's ok for you, and ok for your loved ones, the rest of the world can get tae fuck. Love yourself and keep on doing that.

Big hugs, OP. It's haunting to be afraid that you're a bad parent who is ruining your children.

Take the meds for as long as you need to if they help you be a calmer, more consistent parent. It will do your kids good in the long run and there is no shame in it--you are taking the steps you need to deal with the shit that is modern parenting in too much isolation from others IMO.

You might like to explore other options alongside your meds too. I really enjoyed that The Body Keeps the Score book when I read it recently, and you can find shorter extracts if you don't want to read the whole book. It (or other resources) might give you ideas about how to address your mental health issues and past trauma in alternative ways beyond just meds.

But there is nothing wrong with taking meds, especially to help you be a good parent in the short term.