AIBU to feel horrified that I need medication to be a decent parent?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I keep trying to blame my rubbish parenting on anything and everything else- my own upbringing, my relationship with my partner, my tiredness etc - but fundamentally for whatever reason this is who I am. I used to be a great mum to my eldest, really good. Until she was about 3 we were such a team. I loved her more than anything and could do anything for her.

However other aspects of my life got on top of me and I had a bit of a breakdown. Went on citalopram. Became much better. Came off it to get pregnant and have another baby and I'm basically a shit parent now to both children.

The worst thing is I'm inconsistent. At my worst im angry and rough (so ashamed even writing it down but it's true - daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate. I'm just all over the place, I'm utterly utterly useless. She must be so miserable and confused and wondering where her lovely kind mummy has gone. I'm literally crying my eyes out over the sleeping baby as I write this. I'm so ashamed.

The obvious answer is to go back on my pills. But I honestly thought they could just be a bridge to get me through a really hard time. I never thought I'd be dependent on them just to handle my every day life, just to be kind to my children. I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person. Why can't I be just a kind loving person without them? I used to be!

I sincerely hate myself right now. I'm weak, which I could bear; but I'm also selfish and fundamentally unkind and there's absolutely no getting away from or forgiving that. My children deserve so so much better but I'm ruining them, they won't know how to be happy because I'm not showing them what that is (neither is their dad which is a different story but compounds the problem). Every night when they're asleep (indeed any time I get 5 minutes to think) I feel so remorseful and ashamed and vow to do better. Then every day by breakfast time I'm already raging with irritation, laying blame, being mean.

No idea why I'm posting really. I know I need to go back on my tablets and see if it helps. And if it doesn't and this is just who I am now then I honestly think I just have to take myself out of the equation. Because nothing that's happening rises to the level a social worker would gets involved, but it's definitely definitely at a level to be really damaging to a sensitive child like my eldest daughter. As for my baby, honestly I barely feel like i know her at 9 months old, as I'm so not in the right headspace. I am not impatient with her like I am with my eldest but I certainly don't shower her with the same totally unlimited love I had for eldest as a baby, and the self sacrifice babies need just doesn't come easily or instinctively like it did with eldest as a baby. I'm honestly just getting through days at my worst. It's such a waste of this precious time and do unfair to her.

I hope the tablets help. But God I'm so ashamed I need them to be decent. I thought I was a good person but I'm not at all. I'm weak and broken and needy and erratic and frankly mean. How can I live any kind of life or be any kind of parent hating myself this much, even if medication can help me at least be more patient?

We need to stop looking at mental health issues as different to physical health issues.

If you had asthma, would you use your inhaler?
If you had any other physical health issue would you take the required medication?

Of course you would!

I have been on citalopram for 3 years now, i stayed on them when I conceived my second baby at the advice of my GP and then my midwife.

Without them I am anxious, sad, impatient, snappy and irritated.

I have no plans to come off them. Go back on the meds and don't feel anything other than strong and proud for doing so

We all have sh!tty weeks and feel like we’re not coping. I think it’s more unusual to be a mum who’s not on antidepressants now. I’m on 40mg of citalapram Im a stay at home mum and still need a nap everyday whilst they are at school/preschool to cope even though the children are now 4 and 7. Give yourself some time and a break.

Stop being so harsh on yourself.

I have to take daily medication (twice) to control my neurological condition.

There is no shame in taking medication if it helps balance out your mental health. Where is your partner in all of this? It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate.

Also look in to counselling too. As well as medication. Take care and be nice to yourself! x

So you're struggling after having a baby. Isn't that really, really common, particularly when somebody has two small children, irrespective of previously having had depression?

Of course it is. The first time you had depression, you were well enough to decide to have a second child. This time, it's perfectly 'normal' to need to be treated again in the circumstances of kids jumping on your back, refusing to get dressed, dividing yourself between two demanding children, plus everything else that you were already dealing with.

Stop beating yourself up over it, go back on medication and you'll feel so much better.

If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, shop-bought are fine.

You'd not refuse treatment for a physical illness, why would you torture yourself by not treating your mental health the same?

A good mother makes time to address her mental health issues and makes active steps to combat the chemical imbalance they've been dealt. So I don't think you're a bad mother at all. You have a health problem and you take responsibility for it just as you would if you were diabetic and needed insulin or you had high blood pressure and took tablets for that. Trust me, I worked in pharmacy for years. Nearly every other script was for antidepressants or anti anxiety meds. It's the world we live in. It's harsh and it's stressful. Cut yourself some slack. You're clearly a good mother because you care enough to get help.

I was a bit like you and found that taking vitamin B complex helped me to be patient and laugh about things instead of getting angry. Back in the day, all us mothers said our children were only alive thanks to vitamin B

@Katela18

We need to stop looking at mental health issues as different to physical health issues.

If you had asthma, would you use your inhaler?
If you had any other physical health issue would you take the required medication?

Of course you would!

I have been on citalopram for 3 years now, i stayed on them when I conceived my second baby at the advice of my GP and then my midwife.

Without them I am anxious, sad, impatient, snappy and irritated.

I have no plans to come off them. Go back on the meds and don't feel anything other than strong and proud for doing so

Exactly this. Taking medication to enable you to be a good parent (and happier!) is a good, loving, healthy thing to do.

If you had a physical condition that meant you couldn't change your baby or cook food, you wouldn't feel bad about needing to take medication to fix it. Nor should you if your brain needs medication to be on an even keel. Not to mention that you deserve to be happy, to not feel stressed and irritated and guilty all the time. It's not just about your kids, OP, you deserve to be okay too.

I was on citalopram for 10 years - the only reason I'm not now is that I was misdiagnosed so it was working a bit, but not entirely, and am now on some other meds that help, which I'll be on probably for the rest of my life. I tried a few times to come off citalopram in that decade, worried I was fundamentally a terrible person to need medication to keep me sane and happy - and then I stopped fighting it.

If my two options are to have the 'victory' of being medication free but being unhappy and ill, or to take my meds and live as I want to, I'll forego the ability to say I can do it without meds.

(And I just wanted to say: the fact that you are aware of yourself, of how you act, how things affect you - that is a great sign. That's someone who knows how they can do better, and knows what tools she has at her disposal, which is much better than not realising how your actions affect yourself or the people around you. That's something you should be proud of, and not fighting it.)

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. You are saying the worst things possible to yourself...you're bullying yourself. Why? Where does this voice come from?

You acknowledge that lots of things happened and got on top of you. This is so brave to admit. And even braver to get help for. There is no shame in taking medication at all...we all need help at different times in our lives and maybe some day you will be able to come off it. But now is not the time. Get back on your medication and try to add in some other habits that will help your wellbeing.

What else is going on in your life? Do you have a partner? Do you have time? Are you working?

Massive hugs because you are destroying yourself with this talk and if you were my friend then I would be there by your side and being your cheerleader. You can find your way back to being a version of the person you were before. But you need help now.

I honestly feel I need to take myself out of the equation

This concerns me? Are you thinking of leaving or taking your own life?

You are ill. Help is out there, can you please ring your GP today?

Don't forget that you have also in the last 12 months had a baby - that can kick everything off kilter and does not fit one second mean that you will be taking meds for life! It may well be that you need them temporarily to kick yourself back into gear - if you have had depression before, you are more susceptible to depression after having a baby. Don't feel guilty about that. Go back on the meds, see if it changes things, maybe in 12 months you could discuss weaning off them and see how you do.

Sometimes you just do need the medication. I'm on lifelong escitalopram as I have complex trauma. Without it I am bloody awful, with it I'm great.
It's no worse than needing insulin for diabetes.

I used to be on a quite high dose of sertraline which I came off in 2019. In 2020 during the first lockdown my anxiety became so bad I was back on it but only 25mg. If that's what I need to be a decent mum and myself at my best I'll take it. I did feel the same as you though. But my 8yo saw me at my absolute worst and I never want that for her again.

You aren't a shit mum. You are the best mum for your children and they love you more than anything. You are having a hard time and I can relate to that. I don't think I felt anything but rage for the first year of DC2's life. I already had a 2 year old and coping with two small children was overwhelming. Things have definitely got easier as they have got older. I just came on here to say if you think going back on the pills will make you operate better during this hard early period then take them. It doesn't have to be forever, and as the kids grow more independent and you get some time and space to think, you could come off them then. Don't be so hard on yourself - you are in the hardest phase at the moment and have done really well to recognise you might need some help to get through it. Good luck.x

Don’t be ashamed. I have to be consistently medicated otherwise I get psychotic breaks in reality. Doesn’t make me a bad person, just one with faulty wiring. It’s like any chronic health condition, the condition does not define you or determine your worth as a person or how good a person you are.

If the medication helps you be best version of yourself, then take them. Take them proudly because you’re modelling to your children that you are taking action to be and feel better so you can be present for them. I grew up with a mother who was undiagnosed bipolar and psychotic (she talked to angels and demons) and she refused to get help, living with a mother that was in denial was horrible.

Hugs. I’ve been the same, went on citalopram in March, best thing I’ve ever done. Wish I’d done it years ago. I put it off and put it off because I was convinced I wasn’t the kind of person who needed it - now I feel so much more like me again and so patient that I don’t think I ever want to come off it!

There’s no shame OP, and we all do the best we can. None of us are superhuman, we all lose our shit with our kids when we’re pressured sometimes. Do what helps you. Sending love xxx

People who a 'fundamentally unkind' don't sob over their sleeping children about their perceived flaws.

There's nothing wrong with taking medication to support your mental health. Imagine if a diabetic was ashamed of taking insulin! I take Fluoxetine and I'll be taking it as long as I need it to function effectively.

Looking after young kids is hard, it pushes us all to the edge at times so if the medication sorts you out then do it. Maybe you can review in a couple of years.

You could look into other treatments, counselling, therapy, diet, exercise, open water swimming etc.

Please take the pills. You will become the best version of You and the colour will return to your life
I had PND after the birth of DS1, who's now 27.... I have been on continuously for all that time.
Simply, I have a Chemical imbalance in my brain and I need them just to function( have changed types at times)
I think of it as a lifesaving drug, just as insulin is to a diabetic.

Thank goodness for medication. I take HRT to help me in my life, DH takes citalopram and a couple of things for his physical health. I see them all as a kind of magical gift.

You are a good person - you're aware of your fallibilities and have found a solution. Go for it.

I agree that you should take the pills.

It’s medication for an illness like everything else. I have to take medication for a skin condition for life, in the same way you have a chemical imbalance thst needs medication. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad Mum - you just have a medical condition thst needs treating.

I must say I find it enraging if my child jumps in my back if I’m bent double doing anything - but he is 7! Sorry, I know that’s not your point, but you aren’t necessarily being unreasonable. It could well be the same imbalance making you feel so guilty.

Coming from the other side of this, my dad will be on anti-depressants for life and I am SO glad he is!

As a kid his low moods (what we now know was depression) made our house a very tense place, my grandad died when I was 10 which led to a bit of a breakdown and my dad went on anti-depressants which made a world of difference to all of our lives. He hated the idea of being on them for life and kept trying to come off them and ending up back in a bad bout of depression but after 5 years he finally accepted it and hasn't looked back since. He has a very simplistic view of depression now and accepts that it's just the way his brain works and it's not something he can train it out of so meds it is.

Basically what I'm trying to say is you are the opposite of a bad parent, accepting you need a little bit of medical help to be the best mum you can be is the sign of a brilliant parent! Please don't be ashamed it's not your fault your brain doesn't work exactly as it should, and if the tablets don't work then keep going back until you find the correct meds/does that does

The fact that you feel concerned enough to come to this forum speaks volumes about the kind of momma you are. A wonderful one who is struggling like the rest of us. I can bet my bottom dollar your children still worship they ground you walk on and they would be broken without you. Take your pills and do your best, that’s all any of us can do

OP you wouldn't worry about taking much-needed medication to help with a physical problem you were struggling with. You would take them straight away. Don't let the unfair and untrue stigma around mental health stop you from taking meds that help you feel better.

it's not a weakness, or a failure, it's just necessary for you to supplement what your body can't make itself. I take inhalers for a respiratory condition, and stimulants for ADHD. There's no difference, both help keep me functioning at my optimum.