AIBU to feel horrified that I need medication to be a decent parent?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I keep trying to blame my rubbish parenting on anything and everything else- my own upbringing, my relationship with my partner, my tiredness etc - but fundamentally for whatever reason this is who I am. I used to be a great mum to my eldest, really good. Until she was about 3 we were such a team. I loved her more than anything and could do anything for her.

However other aspects of my life got on top of me and I had a bit of a breakdown. Went on citalopram. Became much better. Came off it to get pregnant and have another baby and I'm basically a shit parent now to both children.

The worst thing is I'm inconsistent. At my worst im angry and rough (so ashamed even writing it down but it's true - daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate. I'm just all over the place, I'm utterly utterly useless. She must be so miserable and confused and wondering where her lovely kind mummy has gone. I'm literally crying my eyes out over the sleeping baby as I write this. I'm so ashamed.

The obvious answer is to go back on my pills. But I honestly thought they could just be a bridge to get me through a really hard time. I never thought I'd be dependent on them just to handle my every day life, just to be kind to my children. I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person. Why can't I be just a kind loving person without them? I used to be!

I sincerely hate myself right now. I'm weak, which I could bear; but I'm also selfish and fundamentally unkind and there's absolutely no getting away from or forgiving that. My children deserve so so much better but I'm ruining them, they won't know how to be happy because I'm not showing them what that is (neither is their dad which is a different story but compounds the problem). Every night when they're asleep (indeed any time I get 5 minutes to think) I feel so remorseful and ashamed and vow to do better. Then every day by breakfast time I'm already raging with irritation, laying blame, being mean.

No idea why I'm posting really. I know I need to go back on my tablets and see if it helps. And if it doesn't and this is just who I am now then I honestly think I just have to take myself out of the equation. Because nothing that's happening rises to the level a social worker would gets involved, but it's definitely definitely at a level to be really damaging to a sensitive child like my eldest daughter. As for my baby, honestly I barely feel like i know her at 9 months old, as I'm so not in the right headspace. I am not impatient with her like I am with my eldest but I certainly don't shower her with the same totally unlimited love I had for eldest as a baby, and the self sacrifice babies need just doesn't come easily or instinctively like it did with eldest as a baby. I'm honestly just getting through days at my worst. It's such a waste of this precious time and do unfair to her.

I hope the tablets help. But God I'm so ashamed I need them to be decent. I thought I was a good person but I'm not at all. I'm weak and broken and needy and erratic and frankly mean. How can I live any kind of life or be any kind of parent hating myself this much, even if medication can help me at least be more patient?

This is why some people stop at just one child
Much easier to manage one.
I’m sure every parent has done things they regret- it’s not too late to turn things around for your DC
If the chems make you kinder, maybe stick with them?
As long as they don’t have bad side effects.

YABU. Some people just need to take medication because their natural levels of certain chemicals are too high or low. If your doctor told you you needed to take a medication to control your blood pressure insulin levels, and you'd probably need to take it for the rest of your life, would you feel as bad about it? Probably not. It's no different with medicine that helps your mood. It's not your fault you were born with this chemical imbalance, no more than it's right to blame someone born with no legs that they can't walk.

I could have written this post myself OP. I've been on citalopram since DD1 was born in 2017. I've tried coming off it a couple if times, but my anxiety, irritation and general sense of overwhelm comes flooding back.

I am happier, calmer and I think a better parent for citalopram. Planning to take them for as long as I need. My mum was on various ADs etc for severe depression when I was growing up. She has always been really open about her MH and I think that's why I am happy to just keep taking them. I had a wonderful childhood despite my mum taking ADs long term.

I hope you feel better soon - but you aren't alone and you aren't a bad parent!

Don't be horrified. The medication helps with a disorder. It's not your fault you have got a disorder. I've got ADHD and I'm a better, parent, wife, friend and daughter when I'm on my medication. The important thing is that you realise this and do whatever you can to be that parent you want to be..if it requires medication so be it.

You need the meds, the kids need you to take the meds and then you can look at long term solutions to coming off them such as counseling, CBT, mindfulness and perhaps a hobby you enjoy for yourself. First port of call is to go easy on yourself

You're taking the pills because you are a good parent.

You have thought of your DC and their needs and have decided to go onto your mood stabilising meds to be the best you can be for them?

Have you been offered anything else to help as a partner to the meds eg counselling?

You've had lots of good advice, OP, and I'm just going to reiterate it. I'm diagnosed with two medical conditions - hypothyroidism and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I take medication for both of them and it allows me to function well - there's really no difference between treating the physical and the mental disorder, IYSWIM.
Hypothyroidism makes me extremely tired if untreated, GAD makes me over-anxious and having panic attacks. So I'd be a lousy parent if I didn't treat my conditions!

Have the treatment you need and don't over-think it, you're doing your best and you need some medical help, there's no need to feel ashamed.

Thank you for posting this OP. I really feel I could have written much of your post except my youngest is a toddler and I have 2 primary children. I've been having counselling for the past 5 years and have been telling myself it'll get better when the baby sleeps, when the middle one goes to school, lockdown ends, I go back to work and on and on. It hasn't got better and I've made a GP appointment which I feel a bit ashamed of but I know my needs for peace, time to myself and someone to look after me for a bit are not being met and won't be met for a long time so I need something to help. This post has been quite an eye opener in how people look at this and I'll take it on board to hopefully give me courage to try meds if suggested. Funnily enough I've been hoping it's my thyroid - I wouldn't have any problems taking medication for that. I need to change my perspective and stop beating myself up because reading your post my first thought for you is go back on the meds - nothing else. Good luck OP and great advice on this thread

Push your doctor for a referral for counselling. You need to take the medication. You’ve said they worked before, why wouldn’t you want to feel better again? Do it for your children’s sake and your own sake.
I spend all my day crying and/or shouting when I have to look after my son. I really can’t cope with him so I let husband/mum/mil look after him. You’re not alone in finding it difficult.

You clearly need some support. Assaulting your child is never ok. Contact social services and tell them you need support.

I don’t think telling you to be kind to yourself is helping. What you’re doing is not ok. Please get some help for your behaviour.

And for those who will say I’m over reacting. If your husband ragged your clothes off you and pushed you, the whole of mumsnet would be telling you to leave the bastard. Don’t leave this to escalate until you injure your child.

Surely taking pills is much easier to reconcile than physically being abusive to your child? Do what you have to do OP!

The fact you are writing this, OP, your self-reflection, everything, already shows you are a loving, caring mother. Horrible, selfish people don't write the type of post you just wrote. Bad mothers don't care if they are being inconsistent in their parenting. Please also don't just focus on all the moments you feel you 'fail', also look at all the times you are a great care-giver.

Please don't feel in any way bad or guilty or somehow deficient by needing assistance to balance out a chemical issue in your brains. You would not hesitate for a second if you needed something to fix your eyesight or hearing. Don't see it as losing a battle somehow to go back on meds. See it as winning, as it helps you and your children.

I very much hope things improve for you, OP.

You have a medical need, take the pills for now. You can perhaps try to come back off them at a later date when the kids are older and you are under less pressure.

It is the best thing for you and your dc. Nothing to be ashamed about. The shame would be if you did nothing about it.

Back in the 50s, 60s, 70s huge numbers of women used to be prescribed benzodiazepines and other sedatives, simply to cope with the lonely drudgework of being a housewife. They certainly weren't all shit people.

Parenting the way we do today, without lots of other female family members for support, without secure housing, without secure money supply (i.e. food, heat), it's horrendous.

If loads of a society's women are on pills simply to cope, the women aren't shit, the society is.

You aren't inherently shit OP. Take the pills if you need them and you have my sympathies.

I need medication to be a good (enough) parent. I take 5 medications every day to keep myself stable enough to cope. You are not weak. You are strong - how else have you battled through? It sounds like you are really struggling at the moment. Do you have a mental health diagnosis? Have you got any professional/family help? I hope you can get back on to meds and get the support you need.

I need medication to be able to be a nice person. At least I have done something about it - think of all the horrible parents who just let themselves be horrible forever.

Is it the stigma of taking anti depressants that worries you? If this is the case please don't let that stop you. As someone has already said, if you had a headache you'd take painkillers and this is no different. I have taken anti depressants on and off for years and know all too well the feeling of shame I got from not being able to cope without taking medication. I felt like a failure for struggling with daily life when others around me seemed so strong and capable. My Sister juggled 3 small children, work etc whilst keeping an immaculate home and always looking her best. I on the other hand would fall to pieces at the slightest thing and despised myself for it. I have since learned never to compare myself to others. In the end you hate yourself and resent them. You would be amazed how many people take medication for depression/stress/anxiety etc etc. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Life is hard, some of us need a little help along the way. I decided 20 years ago that I needed to toughen up and just get on with it like everyone else so I took myself off my meds. Bad move. I got to the point where I was admitted to Psychiatric Hospital which was horrendous at the time but just what I needed. I was prescribed anti depressants which I took for a couple of years and gradually came off them as things improved and I became more stable. I have been well since (though I still have my moments) but I would not hesitate to start taking medication again if I needed to. Part of my treatment in hospital was counseling. I had been dead against it in the past but was not really given much choice at the time. The relief I felt from offloading to a stranger was immense and I would recommend it to anyone that's struggling. I didn't have any particular problems but just talking through worries I had helped. They taught me coping mechanisms and most importantly showed me that I wasn't weak or useless, I was just unwell.
Please get yourself some help, for your own sake and your childrens. You're not a bad person or a bad parent, you're just human

I think many people feel the same. I need medication in order to be able to work (teacher) - it’s a sad state of affairs but it’s the reality for many these days.

I'm another mum that needs citalopram to function. I am an angry, shouty, anxious impatient person without it, with intrusive thoughts. I was ok until my DH's MH took a nosedive and I stopped coping. He's much better now but i still need it. I'm being zen about it though. I don't get any bad side effects (libido but that could also be life!) so why not take it if it helps.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your arse like others have here. You're not being the best parent to your kids right now and that's obviously a shame HOWEVER you recognise your poor behaviour and have steps to try and remedy this i.e take your pills.

You need to try and create a plan because you can get through this. Get your meds, take them regularly, take some parenting courses or read a few books and just continue loving your children and being better. You have it in you you're just struggling right now.

No one is perfect but you can do better and you know that.

OP, we live in a sick society where many mothers need to medicate themselves to cope.
Motherhood wrecks our nervous system as it's not designed to cope with the intensity of spending so much time alone with young children.
Good luck, I know it's more than hard. It does get easier as they get more independent.

Dear God OP. The only way you could let down your children is if you don’t take your meds which balance out your brain chemistry and make you a happier person. It’s not a bad thing to need them, but it’s a bad thing not to take them.

Your children deserve the best mum you can be. Ergo, take the meds. I bet once you’re on them you’ll feel so much happier and more balanced that this anguish over needing them will stop. I can’t pretend your parenting is wonderful right now but if you take your meds it will get so much easier and better.

I agree with @Itsjustrenee.
OP go back on the medication asap. See how it goes but if you don’t improve and are still finding things difficult and being nasty and snappy with you kids you need to consider other options. Support from SS, a parenting course. Don’t wait around to sort this- it will be damaging your children now. Having no relationship with your baby is really sad. I feel for you as it’s likely all linked to MH and PND but ultimately your children will suffer and continue to suffer until you take action or reach breaking point.

Would you feel the same if you had a physical condition say diabetes and had to take medication ? There is no shame and you don't have to tell anyone. Please look after yourself and go back on it