AIBU to feel horrified that I need medication to be a decent parent?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I keep trying to blame my rubbish parenting on anything and everything else- my own upbringing, my relationship with my partner, my tiredness etc - but fundamentally for whatever reason this is who I am. I used to be a great mum to my eldest, really good. Until she was about 3 we were such a team. I loved her more than anything and could do anything for her.

However other aspects of my life got on top of me and I had a bit of a breakdown. Went on citalopram. Became much better. Came off it to get pregnant and have another baby and I'm basically a shit parent now to both children.

The worst thing is I'm inconsistent. At my worst im angry and rough (so ashamed even writing it down but it's true - daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate. I'm just all over the place, I'm utterly utterly useless. She must be so miserable and confused and wondering where her lovely kind mummy has gone. I'm literally crying my eyes out over the sleeping baby as I write this. I'm so ashamed.

The obvious answer is to go back on my pills. But I honestly thought they could just be a bridge to get me through a really hard time. I never thought I'd be dependent on them just to handle my every day life, just to be kind to my children. I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person. Why can't I be just a kind loving person without them? I used to be!

I sincerely hate myself right now. I'm weak, which I could bear; but I'm also selfish and fundamentally unkind and there's absolutely no getting away from or forgiving that. My children deserve so so much better but I'm ruining them, they won't know how to be happy because I'm not showing them what that is (neither is their dad which is a different story but compounds the problem). Every night when they're asleep (indeed any time I get 5 minutes to think) I feel so remorseful and ashamed and vow to do better. Then every day by breakfast time I'm already raging with irritation, laying blame, being mean.

No idea why I'm posting really. I know I need to go back on my tablets and see if it helps. And if it doesn't and this is just who I am now then I honestly think I just have to take myself out of the equation. Because nothing that's happening rises to the level a social worker would gets involved, but it's definitely definitely at a level to be really damaging to a sensitive child like my eldest daughter. As for my baby, honestly I barely feel like i know her at 9 months old, as I'm so not in the right headspace. I am not impatient with her like I am with my eldest but I certainly don't shower her with the same totally unlimited love I had for eldest as a baby, and the self sacrifice babies need just doesn't come easily or instinctively like it did with eldest as a baby. I'm honestly just getting through days at my worst. It's such a waste of this precious time and do unfair to her.

I hope the tablets help. But God I'm so ashamed I need them to be decent. I thought I was a good person but I'm not at all. I'm weak and broken and needy and erratic and frankly mean. How can I live any kind of life or be any kind of parent hating myself this much, even if medication can help me at least be more patient?

Do whatever's required and take any help you can get. If there's a Homestart project in your area avail of it. No parent is perfect and if you need medication don't deny yourself that help.

I was on similar meds and have just come off them now my kids are approaching teen years. I couldn't have functioned without them as I was angry and irritable and impatient.

I found parenting courses hugely helpful and would do one every couple of years to remind myself of the parent i wanted to be be.

I found - the incredible years amazing. Did it via zoom, organised by local charity.

Google incredible years - they have website. You can also pick up the book from amazon second hand cheap.

If nausea continues after an month, talk to gp about switching to different type. Citalopram never suited me but sertriline did

@Draineddraineddrained my mum had (has) bipolar disorder and severe depression. I had a wonderful childhood, and we have a fantastic relationship as adults. She is my best friend.
From what I can remrmber- my mum was always open about her struggles, and medication etc. There were never any secrets, and nothing was taboo. She would be honest if she was having a tough time, even when I was small.

I do think that has helped me a lot- after DD1 was born I had severe PND and she helped me recognise it and get treatment really early on. I'm always able to be honest and open about my feelings etc, as is my brother (a big, burly 34 year old truck driver!).

You sound really depressed. Glad you're back on the tablets. Don't believe all the nasty thoughts you're having about yourself at the moment. They're not all true.

Aw, bless you. All mums are up and down, you're being hard on yourself.

Maybe go back on the pills but think it's not forever, it's just while the children are small (and taxing).

I have to wear glasses as I can't see I am extremely short sighted, I wouldn't be able to drive, read school letters, help with homework go anywhere or pretty much do anything. Do I beat myself up that I have to "rely" on my glasses to be a decent parent? No of course I don't because no one would, what you are doing is channeling the stigma of mental health to be another stick to hit yourself with, which is why mental I'll health is so awful as it starts to feed itself with negative thoughts.

I am a good parent, I wear glasses and at times I have also been on ciltralapram.

I went on citalopram in 2002 when I had PND. I came off them in 2006 but then went back on in 2007 and am still on them. My children have left home now and I live alone but I still need them to feel stable and able to cope with life!! OP it is a positive thing to recognise you need medication and that makes you a great parent!!!!

People keep saying depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it's like needing insulin for diabetes.
The drug companies love you thinking like that
In reality, it's often caused by a lack of support, especially in mothers. This is what switches the chemistry, not some brain fault.
I'm not against antidepressants by the way. If they work, that's great.

Regardless of whether or not you go back to taking citalopram, it sounds as though you are depressed.

Do you know what was happening in your life when you were 3?

Depression itself causes chemical changes,
so getting to the route of that might help.

Could you have some counselling on zoom while someone takes the children?

Swings of blood sugar cause anger and mood swings. Are you eating something good (protein vegetables ) regularly? Maybe with the children you are just eating the first thing that comes to hand ad hoc.

Do you have severe PMT? This can make for very severe mood swings.

Taking up some yoga and also mindfulness would help (but I realise very very difficult with such young children).

Are you able to get out with the children for light and exercise every day? Lack of light and exercise causes depression.

Taking some magnesium can help with tension and edginess. Vitamin D can help.

“Toloveandtowork
People keep saying depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it's like needing insulin for diabetes.
The drug companies love you thinking like that
In reality, it's often caused by a lack of support, especially in mothers. This is what switches the chemistry, not some brain fault”

@Toloveandtowork
I agree. It’s what “Mother’s Little Helper” was about.

Take away someone’s sleep, never let them rest, make them responsible for everything, give them hormones that change from week to week, expect them never to have a moment to themselves, possibly expect them to manage on low nutrition, take away their autonomy, expect them to be kind compassionate and loving at all times, give them a huge physical load through carrying and doing ………. then when they can’t manage and they begin to crack up give them a drug on the grounds that they have something wrong with their brain.

@scrollingleaves, yes, indeed. Well said.
We need to collectively wake up to the fact that modern motherhood damages us as people and human beings. Our nervous systems are not designed for this terrible load.
Then we keep it all quiet from our children, who if they have children themselves find out for themselves, and perhaps keep it quiet too.

I wish I had had enough insight/support to recognise my need when mine were younger. Be proud that you recognise the need and that you are self aware.

I will need my anti depression meds for the rest of my life. Just like I need painkillers for my migraines or like people need BP meds.
Accept what you need and live your life to the full. Regrets are the most painful and unchangeable thoughts ever x

Just a thought as you mentioned pms. My journey has been very similar to yours, ended up on tablets after my first and diagnosed with pnd. They did help and I was able to wean off them. I’ve since however discovered that my hormonal contraceptive pill caused a lot of my issues. I came off it to conceive baby number 2 and then after he was born I stayed off it for a while and was grateful that pnd hadn’t reared it’s ugly head. Then I went back onto the pill (a different one to before as I had similar depressive feelings) and within a couple of weeks I was back to feeling angry, depressed, losing my temper really quickly, just generally awful. I came straight off them and was back to normal again within a few days.
So my point is that it’s something to consider if you are on hormonal contraception. If not then I really hope the tablets make you feel more balanced. It’s a horrible place to be, don’t feel guilty, be kind to yourself and the rest will come x

Re: severe PMDD

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd/about-pmdd/

I was told by a doctor that PMD can even have an effect even before periods have come back after giving birth.

Absolutely, the mini pill is often prescribed to mothers at 6 week check and pnd rates peak not long after iirc

I hate hearing friends are on antidepressants and hormonal contraception at the same time when it's proven to cause depression. Also sleep deprivation on it's own can make people depressed

Some people have a chemical imbalance which requires life long medication

Is this true? I read an article from a psychiatrist recently more or less saying this was a myth? Anyway besides the point to OP. If they help get you through a tough time OP then it's surely worth considering it? When your baby is a little older things will calm down once more and you can come off them?

For what it's worth I really resonate with your post. I was much the same after my second child was born. Mean and irritable and unkind but plagued with guilt about it all and utterly shocked that this was the person I was when I previously considered myself to be kind and a good person. I also had issues in the marriage which I believe were the driving force behind it. I didn't feel supported, we weren't parenting as a team whatsoever and my frustrations were being fired in my children's direction as they were there with me all day and well children are irritating in general! So when your defences are already low they can be incredibly triggering. I also hated how inconsistent I was and how confusing it must have been to my DDs.

Can you get more practical support? My mum used to come and help and it was a sanity saver. Freed up time for one-to-one with them and just made things less fraught overall. I think without that help there's a real risk I would have escalated to hitting my DC. Horrible to even type that but it was definitely a possibility. The rage I felt sometime was dangerous.

They're a little older now and life is much much easier. I still snap/get irritable from time to time but it's dramatically reduced and we have a really good relationship so I hope no major damage was done.

I hope things improve for you soon

'daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate.'

I hope you have family and friends who are offering your kids some support.

You sound very aware that verbal abuse and 'dragging clothes' off kids is not ok so yes take the meds but also access cbt or online support on mh forums.

Also try and take your kids to activities so they get a break.

I completely feel for you, OP