AIBU to feel horrified that I need medication to be a decent parent?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I keep trying to blame my rubbish parenting on anything and everything else- my own upbringing, my relationship with my partner, my tiredness etc - but fundamentally for whatever reason this is who I am. I used to be a great mum to my eldest, really good. Until she was about 3 we were such a team. I loved her more than anything and could do anything for her.

However other aspects of my life got on top of me and I had a bit of a breakdown. Went on citalopram. Became much better. Came off it to get pregnant and have another baby and I'm basically a shit parent now to both children.

The worst thing is I'm inconsistent. At my worst im angry and rough (so ashamed even writing it down but it's true - daughter won't take her pyjamas off so I end up dragging them off her, won't get off my back when I'm bent down changing the baby so I push her off in anger). In general I'm a bit tetchy, moany and distracted. But then I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow that this is the kind of mother I am now, I long for that easy overpowering love back and I love bomb her and overcompensate. I'm just all over the place, I'm utterly utterly useless. She must be so miserable and confused and wondering where her lovely kind mummy has gone. I'm literally crying my eyes out over the sleeping baby as I write this. I'm so ashamed.

The obvious answer is to go back on my pills. But I honestly thought they could just be a bridge to get me through a really hard time. I never thought I'd be dependent on them just to handle my every day life, just to be kind to my children. I hate that even if I take them and they work, I basically have to medicate myself I'm order to be a decent person. Why can't I be just a kind loving person without them? I used to be!

I sincerely hate myself right now. I'm weak, which I could bear; but I'm also selfish and fundamentally unkind and there's absolutely no getting away from or forgiving that. My children deserve so so much better but I'm ruining them, they won't know how to be happy because I'm not showing them what that is (neither is their dad which is a different story but compounds the problem). Every night when they're asleep (indeed any time I get 5 minutes to think) I feel so remorseful and ashamed and vow to do better. Then every day by breakfast time I'm already raging with irritation, laying blame, being mean.

No idea why I'm posting really. I know I need to go back on my tablets and see if it helps. And if it doesn't and this is just who I am now then I honestly think I just have to take myself out of the equation. Because nothing that's happening rises to the level a social worker would gets involved, but it's definitely definitely at a level to be really damaging to a sensitive child like my eldest daughter. As for my baby, honestly I barely feel like i know her at 9 months old, as I'm so not in the right headspace. I am not impatient with her like I am with my eldest but I certainly don't shower her with the same totally unlimited love I had for eldest as a baby, and the self sacrifice babies need just doesn't come easily or instinctively like it did with eldest as a baby. I'm honestly just getting through days at my worst. It's such a waste of this precious time and do unfair to her.

I hope the tablets help. But God I'm so ashamed I need them to be decent. I thought I was a good person but I'm not at all. I'm weak and broken and needy and erratic and frankly mean. How can I live any kind of life or be any kind of parent hating myself this much, even if medication can help me at least be more patient?

The fact you even posted this shows you are a good Mum. Fair play to you for being so honest. I believe you would have helped a lot of ladies with this post.

As the first poster said, it’s a chemical imbalance and you need the meds to sort that. It’s not your fault. The sooner you start the meds the quicker you leave these thoughts and feelings behind you

I've been taking citalapram for 12 years for severe general anxiety. Whilst I'm not 100% better I am certainly 95% better and wouldn't be able to do most of the things I can. Take the medication, there is no shame in doing anything you can to make life easier and better

Would you suggest to anyone else that taking medication for something their body needs in order to regulate itself properly makes them a failure/less than and that they should be ashamed/hate themselves/etc?

No, you wouldn’t, or you shouldn’t, anyway.

You are no less human than everyone else and it’s okay to need a bit of help.

I have anxiety and depression and I take Zoloft every day to treat it. It makes me a better parent and a better person. Would you judge me for that? I'm guessing not, so why are you being so hard on yourself?

Go back on the pills!! You're not doing anyone any favours by avoiding them. Please please help yourself and look after yourself, and use the tools you've found helpful.

It's not like you need a hit of smack yo get you through the morning. 😆 Please, just take them.

You've got depression--a chemical imbalance in your brain. Medication will help. That is nothing to be ashamed of. I have an underactive thyroid and must take medication for the rest of my life or else I get fatigue and depression and can't function. Certainly couldnt be a good mum if I didnt take them. Citalopram is no different. So-called 'mental health problems' are as much physical illnesses as underactive thyroids or asthma. Your brain is your body.

I have been very similar to this, mine was put down to some pretty serious PMS and I was also suicidal and thinking my kids would be better off without me as their Mum because I was so shit at it.

I took/take SSRI's and don't feel a moment of guilt/shame about it. Why should you feel embarrassed for doing the right thing by everyone, yourself, your kids and those around you!

They work, life works better with them, there's no debate in my mind that it's the right thing to do.

It gets easier as they older. Just focus on getting through each day for now.
I find it so much easier going to work and getting a break! Mine were in nursery as soon as maternity leave was over!
Take time for you, I would sometimes either arrange for someone to look after the children or use daycare and get your hair done or go for a coffee. Or get some housework done!

YANBU.. you have reflected on your behaviour and know it’s not fair for any of you, including yourself. I take fluxotine 20mg.. after about 11 years of refusing.. it’s coming up to a year since I started and honestly.. I know I need to be on these tablets for life. I take a blood pressure tablet and don’t feel guilt or ashamed for taking that.. as I tried life style changes and nothing has changed it.. I tried apps, books and lots to help with my mood/anxiety and it didn’t really help.. so I don’t feel guilt in taking the fluxotine. I am pregnant and taking the medication with number 2.. I did feel guilt
For taking it but know that my mood and anxiety would cause stress on the baby, if I stopped taking it. I would get into a routine of baby/toddler groups a couple times a week.. to help break up your week.

@Bagelsandbrie

Some people have a chemical imbalance which requires life long medication. It isn’t your fault. My dh is on citalopram 30mg and will probably take it for the rest of his life. He has bpd and without the Citalopram he cannot work and is miserable. It has been life changing for him and if it is for you too you should take it.

I am in the same position.

In my case I have an extremely underactive thyroid, and while those meds deal with the physical symptoms they just don't quite hit the spot in terms of my mental health.

I have been on as much as 40mg of Cipramil a day (when I was going through my divorce), but once that was settled I was able to reduce to 10mg which is considered by some GPs to be a sub-therapeutic dose.

It's good that you recognise you need help and are willing to accept it. You're not an awful person...just a human one.

My mother refused the meds. We are no contact as her denial ruined my childhood. I'm on setraline and will stay on it until my child leaves home. I'm not ruining his childhood like mine was ruined. I'm totally accepting of the fact that my anxiety will damage him otherwise and I am a worse parent without it. It's OK. You are not alone.

Some people's bodies don't produce insulin, so they need medication.

Some people's kidneys don't filter their blood, so they need medication.

Some people's brains don't produce balanced chemicals, so they need medication.

None of these are moral failings. None of these are the fault of the people themselves. They are simply part of the normal range of human bodies, and thankfully we live in a world with solutions to these concerns.

You aren't a bad parent because you need medication. And it is absolutely your depression telling you that you are.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel at peace. If you need medication to achieve that, it doesn't mean you have failed or done something wrong.

Since you know the pills help you - take the meds and enjoy your life! And look at it from another angle. It's not that you are mean w/o the meds and need them to be a good parent. It's - you are a good parent, but a chemical imbalance messes with your life. The meds help you to be yourself.
Your family loves you, but their life too will be better when you are not suffering.

You have depression op. Look up post natal rage as well.

Post natal depression is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I had never felt so out of control or in such a complete state of angst, anger, sadness, guilt, panic and stress in my life.

Your body and mind have been through massive changes and on little sleep. Take care of it, take the medication and let yourself feel better.

You are doing great and seeking the help you need. Medication is to correct the chemical imbalance - it's not because you are in anyway lacking as a person. Sounds like you are doing the best you can. Just take it a day at a time and keep going.

More people than you realise are in the exact same position as you. Some will take meds forever. Some take them for a short while to get over a specific situation.

You obviously care a great deal about your DC. Be kind to yourself

I take levothyroxine to correct my underactive thyroid gland.

I also take citalopram to keep me on an even keel.

I need both.

Please be kind to yourself, OP - it takes an excellent mother to write that kind of insightful post. Virtual to you.

Sending you love and strength OP. Go easy on yourself, take the medication and get yourself better

You’re not the only person who needs pills to be a functioning human. I am one of them and feel no shame in it and neither should you. Life is fucking hard for a very high percentage of people and we do what we can get to get through. Take the pills, they bring you back to who you really are not change you into a new sparkly mummy. You are that mummy already it’s crappy life shit that changes us.

I could have written your post OP - in fact I almost have a few times recently and felt so ashamed of myself that I never went through with it.
Only difference is that I'm not (yet) on meds but I have an appt with my GP next week and I'm actually hoping she suggests it.
Parenting small children is hard. Thank you for sharing and I hope it's made you feel even a little better to know you're not the only one who feels this way.

Some people have odd attitude to medication for MH. 'I felt better so stopped it'. 'I felt awful I needed it so stopped it'.

Long term medication for T1 or T2 diabetes, hypo thyroid, HRT, high BP and so on isn't as stigmatised. With advice from your GP, might be better to get stable on medication and try not to feel bad for taking it.

Good luck.

As a fellow parent of v small children, balancing it with a FT career and thus permanently exhausted, I sympathise. I have had to seriously invest in my MH, including facing my own erratic and traumatic childhood to prevent history repeating itself. Take all the help. ASAP.

As a child though, of a mother who was volatile and inconsistent, and as the now grown up adult child of a traumatic childhood - I cannot overstate how important it is to get help. Your child's childhood is now. Their confusion at their caregiver being volatile and swaying between dragging/shoving and love-bombing - will create adult attachment issues. People with ambivalent attachment styles are ones who have experienced inconsistent and confusing caregiving of the kind you described.

I had that in my childhood and its only now, with significant trauma-focused help that I have prevented my own parenting from re-creating history. Please get the help. the time is now. I remember trauma from pushing/dragging/shoving from when I was 6. I had to work through it systematically to create different memories for my currently 6 year old. The time to get help is now.

It isn't your fault and you are not a shit parent - you are just wired a little differently to most people and you need medication to smooth that out. And the fact that you have insight into that means you are a good parent - because you want to be your best self for your DC.

Take those pills with pride - you have an illness and need medication, there is nothing wrong with that! It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and you’re one of millions who need help. It’s OK to be on meds for any medical condition, mental health is so SO important and we often forget that. Don’t be ashamed of being unwell and trying to get better.