To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

@KurtWilde

The DH isn't perfect but then again neither is the OP

I never said she was.

Fact is if OP had come come here and said 'DH compares our child's ability of lack thereof to that of a younger child' people would've said he was being awful and would damage his child in the long run.

But because she'd already identified this as shitty parenting and wanted advice on how to approach it better with him, she's been unfairly slaughtered.

Well I for one would not have said that 'he was being awful and would damage his child in the long run'. I would have said it was something the vast majority of parents do, but it's not something to be doing habitually. And she has hardly been slaughtered, talk about hyperbole. But setting yourself up as a self appointed expert and 'she who must be obeyed' is making a rod for your own back.

This thread is only going to go one way now.

Hand on heart, we all want to do our best parenting to raise our kids. We all know what it is like to spend time with a friend whose parenting style doesn't chime with our own and the painful friction this can cause even in a friendship merely during visits.
Why op is getting lynched because she is experiencing a parenting style clash with her DH in her own home which would be infinitely worse I don't know. Should she have first come cap in hand asking if it was OK DH compared the kids to others, barkewd orders at them and was more interested in his phone... would she have got some sympathy then from some of you who are so keen to burn the witch.

Parents who regularly "correct" the other when in hearing distance of children end up creating a situation where they will ask the permissive parent for what they want or if they don't like what the one parent says then they go and ask the other who has the power to over rule.

So what if you get your method from a book? People use book/website/personal recommendation because they agree with the logic of how it works. For example one writer might say that rigid sleep routines are necessary for babies where as another will say just go with the flow. Some people will go for one over the other but it doesn't mean they are wrong. A routine is easier for some parents because perhaps they need to do the school run every day where as another parent might just have one child so can go with the flow as they are on maternity.

Does your h know other 5 year olds or dads? I found that ex started to develop more realistic expectations of parenthood when he observed other kids and talked to others about what our kids were going through. Your h is unrealistic to expect your child to do what he says first time but your child is old enough to do it a lot of time , especially if it's a routine task like brushing teeth before going to sleep.

Do you go out to work OP? Might be an idea to get out of the house and away from the children a bit. You do sound a bit more invested than most......................

Yes, maybe that's the most sensible approach.

On another note I can't seem to quote anymore. It's greyed out.

I think, I'll let go of most things like being inattentive because of the phone but I don't like the snapping, being harsh or blaming Ds unfairly. I would have loved some ideas on how to broach those topics.

It's hard to know how to broach them when your DH gets so defensive. I think as someone said above, it's discussing the situation in a neutral way like 'this morning was quite stressful, how do you think we should handle it in the future so it goes smoother?' Then he will hopefully come up with something helpful and think it's his idea.

@whitehorsesdonotlie

As long as the child is not being abused and is safe and loved then surely that's what matters.

That's a pretty low bar, @starfishmummy, isn't it??

Why on earth should the OP stop trying to be a better mum? What could be more important?? If her partner is too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismisses ds' feelings, compares him to other kids, that's not being a great dad.

Exactly this. There's absolutely nothing wrong with making improvements to your parenting. I've been at this for 25 years and I got tons wrong, but I sure as hell listened when someone pulled me up on it. I happily take things on board that I've read on here or things that have been said to me irl when it comes to parenting my younger ones.

Of course it's not everything @whitehorsesdonotlie bit I don't have all day to itemise them and just mentioned essentials which sadly not every child has.

DH didn't do anything wrong by backing you in front of ds. A United approach is key.

When do you 'challenge' him?

None of the things you have described sound truly awful. Your way would drive me insane with the constant explanation. Sometimes things just need to be done. It also won't help your ds if he's treated sensitively because he's sensitive. The real world and school aren't like that.

Anyway, there's too much focus on parenting techniques and books now. I like those books because they gel with what I believe in (that kids should be treated with respect and kindness) and because those techniques come to me naturally. I'm not asking dh to use the same techniques. If something else works that's also kind and doesn't involve getting annoyed or shouting then that's fine with me.

I think a 5 year old should be treated kindly. I don't think it's controlling to want that. If you were a manager and saw one employee repeatedly snapping at, berating or guilt tripping another would you do nothing? Especially if the second employee was vulnerable in some way and couldn't defend themselves?

@Hercisback

DH didn't do anything wrong by backing you in front of ds. A United approach is key.

When do you 'challenge' him?

None of the things you have described sound truly awful. Your way would drive me insane with the constant explanation. Sometimes things just need to be done. It also won't help your ds if he's treated sensitively because he's sensitive. The real world and school aren't like that.

Not in front of them or in a way they would notice. Except sometimes dh Sometimes got his facts wrong eg saying you have already watched twenty minutes of videos now it's enough and then in those cases I have said in the past "no, it's actually just been 5 minutes" but now I do it discreetly.

And also, as I've said he's not awful. He's a good father. Some things are not optimal. I'd like to discuss them. If I can do better I'd want to know as well because this isn't some art work that I've created and can't stand being criticized about. It's our kids.

You're not being controlling by being kind but words like "correct" and "criticise" can be controlling behaviour.

Does your h come from a family where the parents ask something and the kids jump to attention? What's his relationship with his parents like now?

Ime people examine their relationship with their parents more nice they become a parent and sometimes this leads to a new perspective on the past.

@BananaPB

You're not being controlling by being kind but words like "correct" and "criticise" can be controlling behaviour.

Does your h come from a family where the parents ask something and the kids jump to attention? What's his relationship with his parents like now?

Ime people examine their relationship with their parents more nice they become a parent and sometimes this leads to a new perspective on the past.

I meant I don't think it's controlling to try to get someone to treat your kids kindly. In this case our kids.

My question was how do I do this without dh feeling criticised.

Some things are not optimal.

In your opinion. The optimal is a decision you have made, not the two of you together.

I think, I'll let go of most things like being inattentive because of the phone but I don't like the snapping, being harsh or blaming Ds unfairly. I would have loved some ideas on how to broach those topics.

I think you need to start by fully separating out in your mind what matters and what doesn't, and what is a question of different styles and what is just outright not ok. If you'd done that before this thread you'd have got really different, and much more helpful to you answers, but it got lost because the specific examples you gave were petty. If you do the same when talking to him it'll never work: you need one or two very concrete things, not a long laundry list of ways in which his parenting is not living up to yours.

@BananaPB

You're not being controlling by being kind but words like "correct" and "criticise" can be controlling behaviour.

Does your h come from a family where the parents ask something and the kids jump to attention? What's his relationship with his parents like now?

Ime people examine their relationship with their parents more nice they become a parent and sometimes this leads to a new perspective on the past.

His dad Was a bit like that, I think. His mum wasn't but she always expected him to act like an adult.

@Hardbackwriter

I think, I'll let go of most things like being inattentive because of the phone but I don't like the snapping, being harsh or blaming Ds unfairly. I would have loved some ideas on how to broach those topics.

I think you need to start by fully separating out in your mind what matters and what doesn't, and what is a question of different styles and what is just outright not ok. If you'd done that before this thread you'd have got really different, and much more helpful to you answers, but it got lost because the specific examples you gave were petty. If you do the same when talking to him it'll never work: you need one or two very concrete things, not a long laundry list of ways in which his parenting is not living up to yours.

Yes. That's true. So how do I talk bout the more important things (to Dh)?

What's his relationship with them like now ?

If you were a manager and saw one employee repeatedly snapping at, berating or guilt tripping another would you do nothing? Especially if the second employee was vulnerable in some way and couldn't defend themselves?

Words are important.

And the ones you use are very telling about how you view yourself and how you view your husband when it comes to parenting.

Haven't RTFT, sorry, but I also struggle with this sometimes. It is frustrating to be trying very hard oneself to get it right (eg criticise the behaviour not the child, don't do comparisons etc) and then see all that undone by someone losing their rag and yelling, "Why are you such a lazy sod? Not like your sister!" or whatever.

Helpful to remember that one doesn't always get it right oneself all the time (including in ways one doesn't realise). How useful would it be to be constantly picked up on this?

One of the benefits of having two parents, for those that do, is that the child experiences multiple ways of doing things. It may be that your husband's approach objectively isn't as good as yours but the fact that he's there at all, having a different approach, is helpful- so if you tend to be too cautious, he might be too bold; if you're too lax, he might be too strict etc. And that's good, as you'll end up somewhere in the middle, with a child who can see that there's more than one way to approach the world and (ideally) has role models for how adults negotiate and compromise when they disagree.

OP, I agree with @SaltedCaramelHC's comments that you are still not considering that there are different approaches and your way is not objectively the 'right way'.

There is no harm in a discussion with your DH to cover your concerns, but I think if you go into it with the mindset that your way is the only way to raise a child then you are very likely to get a defensive response.

Also I don't think the analogy about 2 work colleagues is relevant when one of them is a child? Obviously a parent is going to speak to and discipline a child in a way they wouldn't talk to a work colleague - they are not two equals in this scenario.

Christ. You sound VERY hard work. The constant over-analysing over ever bloody conversation and interaction.

Do you think your DS class teacher goes round every 4/5 year old saying “I know you were enjoying PE, but it’s time for maths now (which I know is boring) and more PE on Thursday.” Or do they just blow a whistle/ring the bell and the kids do what they’re told? Do you think teachers have time for this? And I wouldn’t be impressed at you totally undermining school already.

Who talks like this in real life? I honestly think parenting your way means that kids can’t deal with ANY negativity at school/with friends/sports teams. Not everyone is ‘playful’, sometimes we all need to be told to stop doing something and do something else. There is nothing wrong with being told to stop crying as it won’t get you anywhere, parents have used that for millennia.

@JumperandJacket

Haven't RTFT, sorry, but I also struggle with this sometimes. It is frustrating to be trying very hard oneself to get it right (eg criticise the behaviour not the child, don't do comparisons etc) and then see all that undone by someone losing their rag and yelling, "Why are you such a lazy sod? Not like your sister!" or whatever.

Helpful to remember that one doesn't always get it right oneself all the time (including in ways one doesn't realise). How useful would it be to be constantly picked up on this?

One of the benefits of having two parents, for those that do, is that the child experiences multiple ways of doing things. It may be that your husband's approach objectively isn't as good as yours but the fact that he's there at all, having a different approach, is helpful- so if you tend to be too cautious, he might be too bold; if you're too lax, he might be too strict etc. And that's good, as you'll end up somewhere in the middle, with a child who can see that there's more than one way to approach the world and (ideally) has role models for how adults negotiate and compromise when they disagree.

Yes, that's a good point. Thanks.