To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

What prompted you to start reading parenting books? Does your h face the same difficulties? With a baby I guess you're on maternity but how much time does he spend solo parenting ?

You mentioned your sons lack of confidence in a pp. Would your h agree with this ? How does he think your son can become more confident? I ask because there's more than one opinion on this and there can be more than one correct answer to this

I meant I don't think it's controlling to try to get someone to treat your kids kindly. In this case our kids.

But you have said that he is a good dad and is loving and kind to your children?

Just because he is stricter than you and is sometimes on his phone when DS is around doesn't mean he is not treating him kindly. I don't think anything you have described here indicates he isn't kind to your son, just that you have very different methods of parenting to get to the same result (eg getting dressed).

@LittleMysSister

OP, I agree with *@SaltedCaramelHC*'s comments that you are still not considering that there are different approaches and your way is not objectively the 'right way'.

There is no harm in a discussion with your DH to cover your concerns, but I think if you go into it with the mindset that your way is the only way to raise a child then you are very likely to get a defensive response.

Also I don't think the analogy about 2 work colleagues is relevant when one of them is a child? Obviously a parent is going to speak to and discipline a child in a way they wouldn't talk to a work colleague - they are not two equals in this scenario.

I think, some things are debatable and a matter of style or opinions but Yes, in some situations I think I'm right and I'm sure in others I'm not.

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique".

What's your relationship with your h like? Do you worry about details and like the fact that he's able to see the bigger picture sometimes? Is it possible that you worrying about these details is ruining your enjoyment of family life and that you might (unfairly ) think that your parenting is to blame for your son's lack of confidence.

It's hard to tell how serious this problem is. A lot of parents are on phones too much and this is definitely not a good thing but you say he's generally great so it's hard to tell if you're nitpicking. Since you're the one seeing this, it's hard to say how reasonable your criticism is. Being snippy isn't good but that ranges from grossly inappropriate to a bit unfair iyswim

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique".

It's not. Just some people know they're guilty of doing it and have turned up to defend it as 'normal' because to them it is.

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique".

If your son's teacher is helping a child with a nose bleed while your son wants to show her his Lego model, do you think she's going to be sweetness and light or a bit short with them and say wait until later? We can't see the snippy conversations so it's hard to say how unreasonable your h is.

@LittleMysSister

I meant I don't think it's controlling to try to get someone to treat your kids kindly. In this case our kids.

But you have said that he is a good dad and is loving and kind to your children?

Just because he is stricter than you and is sometimes on his phone when DS is around doesn't mean he is not treating him kindly. I don't think anything you have described here indicates he isn't kind to your son, just that you have very different methods of parenting to get to the same result (eg getting dressed).

It's not so black and white. Yes, I think, he's a great father most of the time who loves his children and does a lot for them.

I would prefer him to do some things differently (especially things that I consider unkind, like snapping at him to do stuff and getting annoyed with him).

@BananaPB

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique".

If your son's teacher is helping a child with a nose bleed while your son wants to show her his Lego model, do you think she's going to be sweetness and light or a bit short with them and say wait until later? We can't see the snippy conversations so it's hard to say how unreasonable your h is.

That's not the kind of thing I'd expect.

I had this with my ex - he was authoritian and insistent that his way of parenting was jothing to do with me. My daughter is not close to him now. I think you have to talk to him about this - he's being unkind to your children and as other pps have said your children's emotional well being is more important than his ego.

If your son's teacher is helping a child with a nose bleed while your son wants to show her his Lego model, do you think she's going to be sweetness and light or a bit short with them and say wait until later?

Hardly the same. And also I'd hope a teacher wasn't snapping at small children when they've not technically done anything wrong

@MenoMom

I had this with my ex - he was authoritian and insistent that his way of parenting was jothing to do with me. My daughter is not close to him now. I think you have to talk to him about this - he's being unkind to your children and as other pps have said your children's emotional well being is more important than his ego.

Yes, that's my worry that at some point ds will feel he can't talk to him. I think, small children are quite forgiving. Older ones not so much.

I'm actually quite shocked at the number of people responding "how would you feel if he criticised your parenting" and that you're over controlling.
They sound a bit like your DH to be honest and make a great case for why you need to address these issues...there are adults out there that can't disassociate from their personal feelings, see everything as a personal attack, and are not emotionally well adjusted. This is exactly the emotional immaturity your DH is displaying and that presumably you are trying to avoid your DS developing.
Yes there is no one set "correct " way to parent, but it sounds like you aren't having arguments about the small stuff, but stuff that is generally accepted as not ideal if you want to bring up an emotionally well adjusted adult.
Your DS is more important than his inability to differentiate between what is criticism and what is you trying to be a team in your approach and trying to improve your approach and emotional baggage for the sake of your son. It's not necessarily his fault, but he could at least make an effort to 'unlearn' certain damaging behaviours (which we all have) for the sake of his son

@KurtWilde

If your son's teacher is helping a child with a nose bleed while your son wants to show her his Lego model, do you think she's going to be sweetness and light or a bit short with them and say wait until later?

Hardly the same. And also I'd hope a teacher wasn't snapping at small children when they've not technically done anything wrong

My example wasn't a good one but sometimes a short comment is better. Too many words can sometimes mean kids tuning out ime and doesn't have the same impact. So "time for socks and shoes on" can work better than "we don't want to be late and get our feet wet so let's put our shoes on "

Also gentle suggestions for improvement in parenting should not be received as if they are an attack on his whole sense of self....those are self esteem issues and he should should least recognise that in himself for what it is, not see it as a failure, jut accept it and think about how he can avoid passing that on

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything.

Yes, that's my worry that at some point ds will feel he can't talk to him. I think, small children are quite forgiving. Older ones not so much.

Small kids are not more forgiving, they just understand less and have a natural desire for parental love and attention.

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything.

It doesn't matter what DH would 'want' - your child is already worried about his dads reaction. It's already happened. Put a stop to this

@KurtWilde

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique".

It's not. Just some people know they're guilty of doing it and have turned up to defend it as 'normal' because to them it is.

Snapping is not a parenting technique for fecks sake, it's just something that happens occasionally anomgst and between normal human beings. Parents are in fact people too, not machines and it does children no harm to know that. Again, so long as it's not habitual, it's hardly the end of the world. My daughter interrupted me recently in the middle of a really important work call that she had kindly and gently been reminded not to do. I most definitely did snap at her when I got off the call, and would do the same again. But I doubt I will need to because I left her in no doubt as how annoyed I was.

@Sam020

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything.

yes, you need to talk to your h. Whether your ds' reaction is based on dad overreacting or not, this is a chance for your h to sit down at his sons level and show him some kindness and patience.

Being short here and there is normal. You say he is a great dad and they have a great bond. Parents are perfect and children can see sometimes we can be a bit grumpy too. And also sometimes justified (like the teacher/ nose bleed example. I would expect her to say "Sit down! I am busy" not going to ruin self esteem at all. If they are sad about that then opportunity to build some resilience and teach child about when it is inappropriate to interrupt)

There's a really great book called Crucial Conversations and it helped me a lot with communicating with my husband on difficult topics where we had different views. I would recommend it if you're looking for advice on how to find a way to have a shared, common parenting vision with your DH.

Banana what makes you think I'd not be fine with a short comment? That's not the thing I'm talking about. I tend to give explanations and find they work well with Ds but I don't expect dh to do that. Whatever works for him is fine as long as it's kind (or not emotionally damaging...but that's subjective I suppose).

I see though that it's not possible to discuss this without giving concrete examples, which I don't want to do fir the sake of anonymity. I've been too specific at times anyway

Thanks for the inputs everyone. Lots of food for thought.

@MizzFizz

There's a really great book called Crucial Conversations and it helped me a lot with communicating with my husband on difficult topics where we had different views. I would recommend it if you're looking for advice on how to find a way to have a shared, common parenting vision with your DH.

Thanks will check it out!!

You used the example of going downstairs and ending screen time. It sounds like you prefer to use more words than your h. Short can be rude and unacceptable

@Sandinmyknickers

I'm actually quite shocked at the number of people responding "how would you feel if he criticised your parenting" and that you're over controlling. They sound a bit like your DH to be honest and make a great case for why you need to address these issues...there are adults out there that can't disassociate from their personal feelings, see everything as a personal attack, and are not emotionally well adjusted. This is exactly the emotional immaturity your DH is displaying and that presumably you are trying to avoid your DS developing. Yes there is no one set "correct " way to parent, but it sounds like you aren't having arguments about the small stuff, but stuff that is generally accepted as not ideal if you want to bring up an emotionally well adjusted adult. Your DS is more important than his inability to differentiate between what is criticism and what is you trying to be a team in your approach and trying to improve your approach and emotional baggage for the sake of your son. It's not necessarily his fault, but he could at least make an effort to 'unlearn' certain damaging behaviours (which we all have) for the sake of his son

Yes thank you. I was beginning to think I am a bit crazy and controlling.

@BananaPB

You used the example of going downstairs and ending screen time. It sounds like you prefer to use more words than your h. Short can be rude and unacceptable

Yes. Short can be done kindly (or neutrally, which is fine too) or snappy and annoyed. Im talking more about tone here. Should have added that.