To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

@MsPootle

OP, your DH is a poor father - the defensiveness on his part shows he knows what he's doing is wrong. Please don't mistake this type of super strict parenting as simply being clear and enforcing boundaries. I think you're already in 'dysfunctional territory'. You have a baby but you also have a 5 yr old - please don't let your DH do most of his parenting. As your DS grows up, he will remember the fear, the walking on eggshells and he will resent you both. This type of parenting never works - as an adult you simply have no love for that parent. It stays with you even if on the outside you look 'normal'. Nobody is a perfect parent but your DH is potentially doing lifelong harm to your DS.

What 'fear' will the child remember? The fact that his dad once said, "Stop crying, it won't get you what you want?" Seriously, fear? The dad sounds like a normal parent to me. Everything can be phrased differently, it doesn't mean that one way of saying something is right and all other ways wrong. It seems as if each parent has a slightly different approach, but neither approach is truly terrible. The boy is well cared for, loved and happy. That's more than a lot of children can say. There are some awful parents out there but neither of these two fall into that category. OP should just accept that she and husband have different styles, and stop trying to get him to do everything her way. But it's not a massive problem and nowhere even close to 'dysfunctional territory.'

So "time for socks and shoes on" can work better than "we don't want to be late and get our feet wet so let's put our shoes on

Absolutely agree, and I've said the same to my DC. But that's not the same as being snappy is it, because it can be said in a nice way.

I think as someone else said it's the tone that makes the difference.

Op, your post at 13.26 is truly shocking. So you correct your husband when gets the amount of time your son has watched a video for.

What 'fear' will the child remember? The fact that his dad once said, "Stop crying, it won't get you what you want?"Seriously, fear?

Did you miss the part where OPs DS is already asking her to not tell his dad about something he's done for fear of his reaction??

@Northernparent68

Op, your post at 13.26 is truly shocking. So you correct your husband when gets the amount of time your son has watched a video for.

Huh really? If someone accused you of something that wasn't true wouldn't you want them to be corrected?

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique".

Nobody is saying it’s fine (and I really don’t think anyone has described it as “parenting technique”). They’re saying it’s human. I try to follow what could be called a ‘gentle parenting’ approach, so I do understand what you’re saying. I’m a member of the ‘Gentle Parenting UK (following Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s books), you should look at joining, I think it will fit well with your beliefs and actually might have some suggestions on how to address some of your concerns. The whole concept is about respecting children etc. However every day at least half of the posts are from people who feel as though they’ve fallen short. They’ve snapped or shouted or lost their temper when they really wish they wouldn’t have. People who share your view struggle to live up to it, because it’s hard.

What do you say when you snap or lose your patience with your dc? How do you address it with them? Apologise/explain adults sometimes have big feelings too? If so, you’re dc will hopefully understand that some of these things apply when your dh snaps too.

@Northernparent68

Op, your post at 13.26 is truly shocking. So you correct your husband when gets the amount of time your son has watched a video for.

DH can watch twenty minutes of videos. If dh mistakenly thinks he's already had his ftwenty minutes but actually he's only had 5 minutes do I honestly need to agree with that and say it was twenty minutes? That's gaslighting.

I still think it's right to correct the misinformation but I try to do it discreetly now.

@Sam020

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything.

Why did it take until page 11 for that to come up?

You’ve posted totally different levels of your husband.

He’s gone from being kind and never nasty to thoroughly horrible and your DS is terrified of him

@LivingNextDoorToNorma

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique".

Nobody is saying it’s fine (and I really don’t think anyone has described it as “parenting technique”). They’re saying it’s human. I try to follow what could be called a ‘gentle parenting’ approach, so I do understand what you’re saying. I’m a member of the ‘Gentle Parenting UK (following Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s books), you should look at joining, I think it will fit well with your beliefs and actually might have some suggestions on how to address some of your concerns. The whole concept is about respecting children etc. However every day at least half of the posts are from people who feel as though they’ve fallen short. They’ve snapped or shouted or lost their temper when they really wish they wouldn’t have. People who share your view struggle to live up to it, because it’s hard.

What do you say when you snap or lose your patience with your dc? How do you address it with them? Apologise/explain adults sometimes have big feelings too? If so, you’re dc will hopefully understand that some of these things apply when your dh snaps too.

Yes, people are telling me I'm being controlling because I think my methods are better and dh s method arejust different.

Yes when I lose it I apologize and explain.

*Why did it take until page 11 for that to come up?

You’ve posted totally different levels of your husband.

He’s gone from being kind and never nasty to thoroughly horrible and your DS is terrified of him*

I wonder why :rolleyes:

@Sam020

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything.

This truly changes things @Sam020 A man who’s child is too frightened to tell him he accidentally broke something, is not a good father. No one, adult or child should be living in fear.

You need to sit your husband down, and explain this to him, seriously. I couldn’t be with a man that my children were frightened of.

He's neither perfect nor terrifying. He's got different aspects to him and I'd like to know how to improve the ones that aren't so great. People aren't black or white.

Also, why does it need to come up? I'm not interested in convincing people that dh is terrible or wrong. I asked for suggestions on how to talk to him about certain things.

I may be on the wrong board though...

@Sam020

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything.

You ended your opening post with a question how do you gently, without hurting his feelings tell him?

You have the perfect opportunity to have the conversation. Your DS being afraid of him and not asking him for help should be the kick up the arse he needs. I’m sure you can start the discussion gently but it will definitely hurt him knowing how his son feels. Hopefully that would shock him into looking more into his behaviour and words.

Also, why does it need to come up? I'm not interested in convincing people that dh is terrible or wrong. I asked for suggestions on how to talk to him about certain things.

You need to sit him down and explain that you have tangible evidence that his behaviour is damaging your child. Then he needs to come up with a plan to fix it. Be it reading your parenting books, attending parenting classes, whatever. If he isn’t prepared to do this, then you need to think about what’s best for your child. Being afraid in his own home isn’t it.

*KurtWilde

What 'fear' will the child remember? The fact that his dad once said, "Stop crying, it won't get you what you want?"Seriously, fear?

Did you miss the part where OPs DS is already asking her to not tell his dad about something he's done for fear of his reaction??

No I didn't miss that part. But how many children, when they do something they know is wrong, say, 'Don't tell mum/dad.' It generally means they know they'll get another telling off, it's not fear of a dreadful reprisal.

@Harriet1216

*KurtWilde

What 'fear' will the child remember? The fact that his dad once said, "Stop crying, it won't get you what you want?"Seriously, fear?

Did you miss the part where OPs DS is already asking her to not tell his dad about something he's done for fear of his reaction??

No I didn't miss that part. But how many children, when they do something they know is wrong, say, 'Don't tell mum/dad.' It generally means they know they'll get another telling off, it's not fear of a dreadful reprisal.

I think the problem in this case is that the thing the child did ‘wrong’ was accidentally break something, that was actually fixable. He was too frightened to ask his dad for help.

To be honest I am surprised though that people think that it's fine to snap at someone else if that someone else is a child or to think that snapping is a perfectly valid "parenting technique

Not all interactions with your child are parenting. What you say to your child when they say that they don't want you to tell dad about the broken item is important but some of the time you're just being together like humans are designed to.

OP you want his parenting to be optimal . If your choice of language in your posts is anything to go by though , I don’t think your interactions with your husband when you try to ‘correct’ him , are likely to be optimal either .

I’d imagine you would all benefit from family counselling not parenting books written by god knows who .

But how many children, when they do something they know is wrong, say, 'Don't tell mum/dad.' It generally means they know they'll get another telling off, it's not fear of a dreadful reprisal.

He didn't do something wrong, he broke something by accident

It sounds like often your child does not obey you with a lot of you faffing and coaxing and cajoling.

Thats one thing when a child is 2 or 3. But as they get older they really do need to learn to do as they are told. And I'm sorry but I dont think it's reasonable for you to be judgy with your DH for getting cross with your child when he's repeatedly ignoring simple instructions.

As they get older children do need to learn they are not in charge, and face the consequences (mum or dad getting cross) when they don't do as they are told.

What consequences do you apply when your son doesn't do as you've asked and you are forced to coax and cajole him?

@Earwigworries

OP you want his parenting to be optimal . If your choice of language in your posts is anything to go by though , I don’t think your interactions with your husband when you try to ‘correct’ him , are likely to be optimal either .

I’d imagine you would all benefit from family counselling not parenting books written by god knows who .

Or the OP could chill out and unclench a bit. She has a long road ahead of her is this level of analysis goes into everything.

But how many children, when they do something they know is wrong, say, 'Don't tell mum/dad.' It generally means they know they'll get another telling off, it's not fear of a dreadful reprisal.

But he hadn't done anything wrong, he'd accidentally broken something. He shouldn't be worried about telling his dad that which tells me his dad often reacts disproportionately to what's happened.

Thanks for the inputs everyone. Need to run now.

As they get older children do need to learn they are not in charge, and face the consequences (mum or dad getting cross) when they don't do as they are told.

Yes because getting cross is the only way to encourage a child to do as they're told.