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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

372 replies

Sam020 · 17/11/2021 07:43

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 17/11/2021 16:06

No, an adult getting cross is a consequence when the child does not do as they've been asked.

We are not talking excessive anger etc here!

It's perfectly normal for a school aged child to see that mum or dad are going to get a bit annoyed if they are naughty or don't do as they are told etc.

Its not clear Op imposes any consequences when her child is refusing to get ready for school etc. All she does is reward that behaviour with a lot of attention.

It's not going to result in a child who can follow instructions well etc, which is an important social skill for example at school as one of a class of 30 the teacher cannot be cajoling each child in order to get things done.

billy1966 · 17/11/2021 16:27

@Sam020

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything.
I think this incident tells you EXACTLY the type of father your husband is and the effect he is having on your 5 year old.

I honestly cannot understand where the words a great father can be applied to a man who's child is that afraid of his reactions.

OP, it sounds to me as if you have every reason to be concerned.

But be honest about him first.

This is not a great father.

If your 5 year old is a sensitive child then your husband behaving as he does will most likely be a source of anxiety in your child.

This is not good and does note bode well for the future.

Flowers
Nanny0gg · 17/11/2021 17:43

@Sam020

I may be on the wrong board though...
Out of interest, OP.

If your husband doesn't listen to you and change his ways, is it a dealbreaker for you?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/11/2021 19:08

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything

So what did You do?

MichelleScarn · 17/11/2021 19:59

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything

So what did You do?

And what's the back story? Was it an accident like slipping or accidentally dropping something, or accidentally kicking a football or the like into the TV and smashing it when they've been told countless times no ball games inside?
Original poster
Sam020 · 17/11/2021 20:09

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Yesterday ds broke something by accident and I told him to get dh to fix it. He started crying and pleading with me not to tell dh as DH would be cross. DH wouldn't want Ds to he afraid of him and to think he can't go to him with everything

So what did You do?

I told him he'll be fine and if he likes we can tell dad together. So we did and dh was fine and understanding. Ds was so relieved. To be honest I was surprised as well as I hadn't thought that D's is scared of him.
OP posts:
Original poster
Sam020 · 17/11/2021 20:13

He was playing with something and accidentally knocked over a clock, which broke. No, I hadn't told him he can't play or to be careful or anything so neither me nor dh blamed him for it.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 17/11/2021 20:18

Is he actually scared of him? Or just comparatively? As in, because you are so gentle and soft, even a slight raised voice from daddy becomes a big deal to him?

Knocking over a clock shouldn't really be happening. Was his play dangerous or out of control?

MichelleScarn · 17/11/2021 20:20

@Sam020

He was playing with something and accidentally knocked over a clock, which broke. No, I hadn't told him he can't play or to be careful or anything so neither me nor dh blamed him for it.
Where was the clock and what broke it?
Original poster
Sam020 · 17/11/2021 20:27

@Hercisback

Is he actually scared of him? Or just comparatively? As in, because you are so gentle and soft, even a slight raised voice from daddy becomes a big deal to him?

Knocking over a clock shouldn't really be happening. Was his play dangerous or out of control?

No it wasn't dangerous and he wasn't out of control. It was just unfortunate.
OP posts:
Original poster
Sam020 · 17/11/2021 20:27

How does it matter?

OP posts:
Magicalwoodlands · 17/11/2021 20:28

I knocked over a clock yesterday, I wasn’t dangerous or out of control, just clumsy Hmm

MichelleScarn · 17/11/2021 20:30

@Sam020

How does it matter?
There's a difference between a bit clumsy and knocking a clock that's easily accessible over, and kicking a ball or throwing something that knocks a clock off a wall or a mantlepiece.
Original poster
Sam020 · 17/11/2021 20:30

@Hercisback

Is he actually scared of him? Or just comparatively? As in, because you are so gentle and soft, even a slight raised voice from daddy becomes a big deal to him?

Knocking over a clock shouldn't really be happening. Was his play dangerous or out of control?

Yes, that is a possibility. He definitely is uncomfortable with raised voices and maybe it is because I rarely do.

I didn't think he was scared of DH. I don't think that knocking over stuff is such a big deal. Maybe we shouldn't have kept it there but anyway, that's not relevant to this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sam020 · 17/11/2021 20:31

And I'm the one who overthinks stuff? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Sam020 · 17/11/2021 20:33

To answer your question though he was just being clumsy. Not wilfully destructive. Hmm

OP posts:
jacks11 · 17/11/2021 20:54

YABU

You come across as thinking only the way you do things/your approach is correct. You are, of course, entitled to your opinion- but so is your husband. Maybe he thinks your approach is a bit too soft or indulgent? Why is your way the only way?

If he is a good, involved father then you need to let him parent his way unless there is something you are really against- even then it is not up to you to unilaterally to decide how things are done. You need to discuss and come to a joint approach.

You say that if your DH suggested something to you that you would consider it and change it if you agreed- but presumably if you didn’t you would carry on as you were? And if he kept on about it, how would you feel? It sounds like you are quite critical, and if the tone/feel of your criticisms come across to him the way they read to me, I’m not surprised he is defensive- it’s a little on the self-righteous side, almost patronising at times.

Mistymountain · 17/11/2021 21:01

I think he should be left to manage his own relationship with the children, without feed back on his performance

claymodels · 17/11/2021 21:58

@Mistymountain

I think he should be left to manage his own relationship with the children, without feed back on his performance

He is unnecessarily strict, harsh, dismissive, compares his son to others and the kid broke something by accident and was scared in case his father found out.

That's not a relationship and it's ridiculous to suggest anything other than someone should intervene and protect the poor kid.

BoredZelda · 17/11/2021 22:31

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate.

Except he isn’t, because….

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc.

None of that is the sign of a good father.

It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship

It is nasty stuff though. It is emotionally damaging to compare him to other kids, dismissing him etc.

CallmeBadJanet · 18/11/2021 17:21

@Sam020 Have a general discussion about how you were both parented. Ask what his parents did that made him feel great about himself as a child. Then ask him what his parents did that made him feel really shit about himself. He might have a light bulb moment.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 18/11/2021 17:33

Correct ? Correct ? If this is how you approach your relationship, I'm surprised you're still in one.

nokidshere · 18/11/2021 17:37

You don't have to parent the same way. Me and dh are very different people and have our own ideas on how daily life goes although we agree on what we want the outcomes to be and major stuff.

You need to let him parent the children without your input, it's incredibly patronising and rude to think your way is the best way, how do you know that? You say they are safe and happy and that he is involved so leave them be.

claymodels · 18/11/2021 17:42

@nokidshere

You don't have to parent the same way. Me and dh are very different people and have our own ideas on how daily life goes although we agree on what we want the outcomes to be and major stuff.

You need to let him parent the children without your input, it's incredibly patronising and rude to think your way is the best way, how do you know that? You say they are safe and happy and that he is involved so leave them be.

He is unnecessarily strict, harsh, dismissive, compares his son to others and the kid broke something by accident and was scared in case his father found out. That's not different parenting, it's unacceptable parenting and the child deserves better

itsjustnotok · 18/11/2021 17:42

It sounds like you want him to parent your way. You say he isn't mean but then say he's comparing and depending on the way he's doing it this can be mean. Sometimes not everything has to be a discussion, you might be grateful for that as your DS gets older.