Ex dictating holiday dates - AIBU?

[GetSetJetSet]

Name changed as would prefer this post to be anonymous.

Curious to get other people's views on my current situation and what they'd do if they were me.

Separated from ex 5yrs ago. Do not have a good co-parenting relationship. Share one primary school aged child and communication is mainly through email.
Been through court for child contact and have had an order in place for 4yrs.

Court order states contact during school holidays is to be agreed at least 3months in advance. Ex has our child for 2 weeks during the summer holidays.

I've had an email telling me he's booked a week next summer abroad and that he hopes it's ok as it's the only time he can get a decent priced holiday and he wants our child to enjoy a summer holiday. Sounds reasonable enough but it's during the time I've always taken our little one away on holiday - historically he's always had the back end of the summer holidays for contact and I've had the beginning, and I usually have to remind him I need his dates so I can arrange childcare etc.

AIBU to say no, on the basis that he hasn't adhered to the court order? He hasn't agreed the dates with me before booking his holiday and actually our child will be enjoying a summer holiday with me across the same dates?

He's messaging you 8/9 months before! Can't you take the end instead of beginning of summer hols next year? It sounds like you're being awkward for the sake of it

That is if you havent already booked a holiday.

I don't know what advice to give... think of what would be best for your daughter, not just what's in the court order. But if you do let him have his way (if you feel that's what's best for your daughter) I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not agree to this type of "ambush" again without prior agreement, as per the court order.

Op I can see why your annoyed i would be too but a judge will ask for proof that you have something booked for the dates hes going and if you can't prove it then your ex will be given those dates.
Choose your battles...this is one you cant win

He’s given you lots of notice, if you refused I think you would be the awkward one unless it clashes with something else very pertinent!
I think the court would see you as being unreasonable.
It doesn’t state you have the same weeks every year.

I don't understand, have you booked somewhere too OP with overlapping dates?

It doesn't sound like you have? So what's the issue with taking your DC on holiday on the back end of summer holidays instead?

It's rather more than 3 months in advance at the moment. Is there any real problem with him having the earlier dates next year? I presume you haven't yet booked a holiday, because if you had done that and not told him, he could equally well complain that it hasn't been agreed. The court order says "agreed at least 3 months in advance", not "at the same time as last year unless a change is negotiated".

I understand that you'd rather that he asked you before actually making the booking, but would you have said no if he had? Perhaps you should just be glad he's getting organised in good time this year.

You are being petty

YABU.

Well yeah it doesn’t seem reasonable to deny it to be honest. It seems petty. He has given loads of notice and is planning a holiday for the enjoyment of your child.

I think you're being unreasonable. He's asked more than 3 months in advance. Just because it's not the same weeks as last year you want to say no?
Just amend the time you go away.

I've had an email telling me he's booked a week next summer abroad and that he hopes it's ok as it's the only time he can get a decent priced holiday you could turn round and say no its not OK. This is him trying to agree the dates. He shouldn't have booked without asking first but maybe there was a deal on and he wanted to do something nice. He's given you a good amount of time this time. So pick your battles. Unless you actually have something booked and can prove this then let this go.

Yes massively unreasonable of you.

Unless you get an agreement exactly which weeks you and he are having your child during the summer then you need to be flexible and give up on the "historically".

YABU.
You have been given lots of notice.
I think it is unrealistic to expect the same weeks every year.
Pick your battles wisely.

It’s at least three months, he has given far more

Have you actually booked anything? If so I assume you told him?

Be the bigger person here, think of your child, you book another week

You are willing to deny your DC a lovely time with their dad just to exert a bit of control.

YABU

Yabu. Incredibly petty. He has checked with you months before - following the courts advice.

Historically is neither here nor there in courts eyes

My kids dad never has them and has never had them once since we split up 5 years ago never mine a holiday! Can’t believe you would refuse a holiday with their dad just to be petty, doesn’t even sound like you have anything planned you just want to be petty about dates.

Appreciate all your views and thank you for your responses.

If he'd have asked before booking I absolutely would not have a problem agreeing to the dates. It's the fact he's gone ahead and booked it without consulting me first that's hit a nerve.

He's also said he booked it because it's cheaper for him to do so at that time.
He's co-habiting with a partner and is very wealthy, whilst I've remained single and only have my wage coming in plus a small amount of maintenance from him (self employed and fudges his books)
I'm not bitter just explaining for context - he's snapped up the cheaper holiday and left with the more expensive times during the summer?

I am the resident parent and I am not required to inform him of my holiday plans, whereas he needs to provide me with his itinerary etc.

He was controlling in our relationship and I think this is him attempting to remain in control.

I'm wouldn't be saying no to be petty but it's a matter of principle - what is the point of the court order, and stress I went through to get it if he can just do what he likes and I'm expected to accept it because he's given me plenty of notice?

I've been flexible in February with half term and allowed him to take our child out of school to enjoy a two week holiday to celebrate a special occasion. February half term is always my contact time so it's not like I'm not willing to be flexible.

Does the court order specifically state what weeks in the summer each of you have? I’d guess it doesn’t otherwise you would have said so. He has given a huge amount of notice so YABU to start throwing your weight around just because you have historically had the same weeks.

Pick your battles to improve your co-parenting relationship.

Can’t you just swap this once but put it in writing that next time you’ll expect him to confirm the dates before booking anything?

It kind of sounds like you're trying to be difficult for the sake of it. So what he's booked it, let your child have a nice holiday if you don't have anything planned.

I personally always find the last week of the holidays cheapest holiday wise anyway.

There was nothing stopping you from booking in advance to get the cheaper times?